Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (22 page)

As was apparently well-known by the folks on the boat, since as it came closer to Hippie Hollow, everyone on the boat went to the shore-facing side to get a look at the exposed bits and pieces on the beach. In their rush for ogletainment, our boat riders neglected to consider what happens to a boat with all the weight on one side.

And what does happen? Well, the boat capsizes, that's what. And suddenly sixty people hoping to get a look at nekkid folks found themselves getting something of a cold dunking (probably just what they needed). Two people were slightly injured, but most of the passengers were simply all wet. We bet the nudists on the beach enjoyed the show they got more than the people on the boat enjoyed theirs.

Source: Associated Press

 

W
e all have our little obsessions.
Some are harmless. Some are a little strange. And then somewhere
way
past that is “Robert” and his strange preoccupation with Vaseline.

Yes, Vaseline, the world's best-loved petroleum jelly. Who knew that a product that can soothe your chapped lips can also remove eye makeup without clogging your pores? Truly, it's a miracle product with lots of good, clean uses.

Just not quite as many as Robert had for the product. Robert had been staying at a Motel 6 near Binghamton, New York; when he checked out, housekeeping went in and found that Robert had liberally applied Vaseline to everything in the room. By everything, we mean
everything:
the TV, the chairs, tables, towels, sheets, even the carpeting. After police were called to the scene, they found a trash can filled with fourteen empty Vaseline containers. In all, damage to the room cost over $1,000.

Where to find the greasy miscreant? Binghamton police had a hunch that someone who might slather one motel room might do something similar elsewhere. And wouldn't you know, they were right. Robert was apprehended at a nearby hotel, covered from stem to stern in Vaseline. And aren't you glad you're not the cop who had to handcuff
him (
think they wiped him down first so he wouldn't squirm out of the handcuffs?). But handcuff him they did, and sent him to jail, too, for “criminal mischief.” There's a euphemism for you.

Source: Associated Press,
Newsday

 

W
e just about drooled over ourselves
when we saw this one while we were doing research for the book because it was just so perfect. And then we realized that it was maybe
too
perfect. Our research found the story in several different places, but each of the stories had the same source. And
Snopes.com
, the great Internet repository of urban legends, lists this story as “questionable.” So we reluctantly have to place this one in the “of doubtful truthfulness” file. You take your chances. But it's just too good not to share.

The story involves a German couple. They've been married for eight years, and while they're otherwise happy, they've had no luck on the child front. So they go to the University Clinic of Lubek to see what might be the problem. The doctors there do a number of tests on the man and wife and discover the two of them are normally fertile; there's no biological impediment to having kids. Now, if the couple aren't having a whole lot of sex, that could complicate matters—it cuts down on the number of chances for conception. So the doctors ask the couple, “How often are you having sex?” To which the couple replies, “Having what?”

“We are not talking retarded people here,” the clinic spokesperson is supposed to have said, “but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.”

Now you can see why we adore this story down to its bones, and yet are
deeply
suspicious about it. The idea that two people could go through decades of life and eight years of marriage and not know about the whole sex thing. It's boggling. At last report the couple were being sex therapy lessons;
they're
in for a shock.

True or not? You make the call.

Source: Ananova

 

A
note to nudists,
if you are of advancing years, you'll want to stay well clear of the Eforie Nord resort in Romania. The police are trying to pass a law there that will make it illegal for women over the age of sixty to go topless. Apparently, law enforcement in this Black Sea hot spot has gotten complaints about older women shucking their tops and letting it all hang out.

The official line here is that all those nekkid older women might scare away the tourists, but a quote from one Romanian policeman is rather more instructive: “It's always a pleasure to see a young woman, who also has to be beautiful of course, topless on the beach,” he said. “But the irony is that there are more old women going topless. I find it sometimes quite repulsive. I can understand the idea of wanting to get a uniform tan, but old women should simply give up on it.”

No word from the Romanian policemen if there would be a commensurate ban, on, say, pasty old guys prancing around in Speedos, or (shiver, shiver) without them. Also, of course, no word on how many of those allegedly tourist-scaring old women are actually tourists themselves, and therefore unlikely to be frightened by their own nudity. Or, for that matter, how many of the topless old women find the police repulsive. In the meantime, our advice to the policemen is simply this: You don't
have
to look, pal.

Source:
ThisisLondon.com
, Ananova

 

I
n these times,
job benefits mean more to employees than ever—and if you're a business owner, the key to attracting and retaining good workers is to offer them benefits that are relevant to their lives; benefits that will keep on giving.

Like, say, porn.

Hey,
we're
not offering it, but the Danish IT company LL Media is. It pays for its workers' subscriptions for Internet smut, so long as they view it at home and not at work. Its owners came to the decision to offer porn as a benefit to workers in a simple, matter-of-fact way. “We know that 80 percent of all hits on the Internet are on porn sites,” said company director Levi Nielsen. “And we can see that people also surf porn pages during work.” And remember—when it comes to benefits, you want to give the people what they want. And Nielsen stated he believed this benefit would make his staff more relaxed. Well, for starters.

This benefit might make one hesitant to get near any of the company's computer equipment. But there's a catch: as noted above, the free porn is only for home use—the company blocks all smutty sites during the work day. Work, it seems, is still meant to be work.

We doubt this will catch on over here. For one thing, who wants to be the first to ask for it? No, no. After
you.

Source: Aftenposten

 

M
andy” loved “Teddy.”
Teddy loved Mandy. Oh sure, they met in an interesting way: Mandy was in Daviess County Detention Center in Kentucky for first-degree possession of a controlled substance, while Teddy was in the same facility sweating out multiple DUIs. But even their reasons for incarceration implied they had so much in common. What is love but the controlled substance of the heart?

There were, of course, complications, namely that in the United States, at least, detention facilities are not designed to allow for easy romantic moments. But where there's a will, there's a way, especially when there are also crawl spaces in the detention facility. Teddy apparently discovered that all the cells in the facility were connected by plumbing ductwork, and if one is ambitious (and we suspect, thin) enough, one can crawl through the ductwork to get to other cells for a romantic interlude.

Interestingly enough, another thing detention facilities in the United States don't offer much of is birth control, which is why Mandy found herself pregnant. Mandy and Teddy both denied any sexual contact, but you know, a baby isn't someone one can brew up one's self.

The two of them were charged with administrative violations of attempted escape, lying to a jail deputy, and interfering with the safety and security of a facility. Mandy was carted off to a separate women's facility, one that presumably does not have easily invasive piping. It seems that the course of true love still runs bumpy.

Source:
Messenger-Inquirer
(Owensboro, KY)

 

Y
es, it's true.
Road rage makes people do strange, inexplicable things. That's why it's not called “Road Tiffs” or “Road Squabbles” or something innocuous like that. No, when you're in a road rage, you've pretty much taken leave of your senses—and in at least one case, one man took leave of his pants.

We're on the road in Laforurche Parish, Louisiana, traveling south on Highway 3235, and two cars have our attention. One is a car being driven by a woman; the other is a pick-up truck being driven by a man. The truck is hauling a trailer and going slow enough that the woman decides to pass the truck. Well, this doesn't sit very well with the driver of the truck, who honks his horn at her, and passes her and slows down intentionally to make her pass him again. As she does so, he rolls down his window, lifts up his torso, and flashes something one does not normally see poking out a car window. Yeah, that'll show her.

Alas, technology was not on the flasher's side: the woman flipped out her cell phone and called her husband, who took the license plate number and called the sheriff's office, who ran the plate and then paid a visit to the flasher in question. He admitted to driving on that road, but denied the flashing. They arrested him on obscenity charges anyway; interestingly enough, he'd been arrested on obscenity before. Some people. He was lucky the woman didn't have a camera on that cell phone.

Road Rage: best to keep it in check. Or at least keep it clothed.

Source:
TheNewOrleansChannel.com