Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (27 page)

In time, it seems, Nikolai's dread of his wife's cooking sublimated into another vector of emotion entirely: anger at the kitchen that enabled Nikolai's wife to create meal after terrifying meal. Something had to be
done.
The kitchen needed to be
stopped.
And so it was that Nikolai entered the kitchen, opened up the valve on the gas, and then, at the right moment, threw a match on the stove. Take that, Dread Kitchen of Evil!

The room exploded, naturally enough, and Nikolai learned that when you play with fire, you're going to get burned—he injured his hand in the explosion. Nikolai would later tell police that his inspiration for the explosion came from the action films of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, although we're personally hard-pressed to remember a scene in which either of them exacted revenge on a kitchen.

Nikolai was charged with destruction of property and endangering the life of his wife. He could get three years for that. But since that's three years Nikolai won't have to eat his wife's cooking, we're guessing he won't see that as being an entirely bad thing.

Source: Ananova,
Seattle Times

 

C
lem” was excited about the wedding
—and we celebrate that emotion. That's the way you're supposed to feel when you're a groomsman and helping your good buddy take that transition into married life. But there are appropriate ways to show that emotion. A witty toast at the reception. A nice gift. A bachelor party that will be remembered for years. All of these, acceptable. Firing off a semi-automatic weapon in a wedding limo? Not so much.

Panicked driver reports of shots being fired out of the sport utility-type limos brought the Macomb County, Michigan, sheriffs' cars bearing down on the two wedding limos. The cops made all thirty-four members of the wedding party pile out of the cars—including the bride and groom. They searched the cars for the unconventional noisemaker, which they found in the form of a Glock pistol. Clem admitted the gun was his but swore he didn't fire it, which was strange, since the cops determined the gun had recently been fired. What's more, they found evidence to suggest the gun had been stolen.

Thirty-three members of the wedding party were allowed to pile back into the limos and go on to their wedding revelry. Clem, on the other hand, was arrested and charged with receiving and concealing a stolen firearm, violating concealed weapons laws, and firing from a vehicle. That was worth a $25,000 bond, which Clem forfeited when he skipped bail.

Oh, Clem. Next time, just try a nice toast.

Source:
Detroit Free Press,
Clickondetroit.com

 

T
he man claimed to the Michigan State Police trooper
that his girlfriend had assaulted him with a knife. And the evidence appeared to back him up: there were cuts all over his body, as well a bite wound on his shoulder. The knife was not suspected to be the culprit of the bite wound. But everything else looked blade inflicted.

The girlfriend admitted to chewing on her boyfriend—a retaliatory bite, apparently, as she claimed he bit first—but denied she had so much as touched her man with a knife. When pressed on the subject, however the women divulged the unusual instrument of stabination:

A fish.

Yes, apparently, this charming couple had been whacking on each other for some amount of time, and it appeared as if the guy was going to get the upper hand. Then our heroine, showing the resourcefulness of a mother cougar defending her young—or at least of a future Jerry Springer show candidate readying herself for her moment of syndication—reached up to grab a mounted, stuffed fish from the mantle of the fire-place, and then proceeded to whale upon her boyfriend. We assume the guy told the cop he'd been stabbed with a knife because admitting to being perforated by a fish would make him look like a chump.

The girlfriend was hauled away, but we wonder what the charges might have been. Assault with a deadly, dead fish?

Source: Associated Press

We hear you ask: are you really giving more tips to stupid criminals? Aren't law-abiding citizens suffering enough? So, just to be safe, for all you stupid criminals out there, the following tips are for entertainment purposes only. Please do not follow them. If you should continue with criminal activities, please do so in as stupid a manner as possible, so that you will be easily caught and then safely locked up. Thank you for your attention. Now, on to the stories . . .

 

S
am” and “Paul” knew this about cash registers:
just as cracking a walnut's hard outer shell yields the nutty goodness inside, so will the cash register issue forth green wads of cash and metal discs of change. This money goodness is why the industrious duo kicked in the door of that Austin, Minnesota, restaurant, wrenched the shop's cash register from its moorings, and fled the scene just as they were spotted by a passing cab driver, who called the cops to report their adventure.

What Sam and Paul apparently didn't realize is that money is not all that a cash register stores. Some models (including the model they stole) also store long rolls of paper used to print out receipts for the customers. How long are these rolls of paper? Well, their lengths do vary, but in this particular case, it was just long enough that police called to the scene of the crime noticed that it had slipped out from the register, and followed its trail into the nearby bushes. Whereupon they found Sam, Paul, and the cash register, all in very close proximity to each other.

Sam and Paul were arrested, of course. Hopefully they'll get a receipt with their charges.

Source: Associated Press

 

A
nd what's the dye pack?
See, when you rob a bank, while the teller is shoveling cash into a bag, he or she will also slip in a contraption that looks like a regular wad of bills but actually contains an exploding canister filled with colored paint. When the canister explodes shortly after the perp leaves the scene, both he or she and the stolen money will be covered in paint, which makes a thief difficult to overlook and the money even harder to spend.

“Sandra,” who missed “Exploding Dye Pack 101” at bank robbing school, learned about the dye the hard way on the day that she walked into a Fort Worth, Texas, bank and robbed it. The teller handed over a bag filled with wads of cash and also a dye pack. Sandra grabbed the bag, left the scene, and overlooked the telltale canister hidden in her loot.

What does one do with a huge pile of ill-gained cash? In Sandra's case, and in apparent obliviousness to the irony of such an action, she drove to the town of Burleson to deposit the cash in
another
bank where, much to her surprise, the dye pack exploded just as she tried to deposit the money. Covered in pink paint, Sandra figured out real quick that the jig was up. She and her stolen wads of cash, now also a warm shade of pink, fled the scene but were picked up a short while later by local law enforcement who had no problem finding her because, after all, she was painted pink.

Source: Reuters

 

P
erhaps “Erik” had other things on his agenda
for the day besides robbing the bank and wanted to get an early start on his larceny. This might be why he showed up at that bank in Arendal, Norway, at 8:30 in the morning, swathed in a balaclava-type hood and wielding a butcher knife.

Here's the thing, though; the bank didn't open until 9 a.m. The door was locked while the bank personnel went through their early-morning activities. So there's Erik, in his balaclava and with his knife, standing at the door, waiting to get in. And what does he do next?
He knocks on the door.
To be let in.

Well, naturally, this doesn't work terribly well. See, if you are a person working at a bank, no matter how much you pride yourself on the refreshing, helpful personal service you provide to each and every customer, chances are pretty good that you're not going to be in a huge rush to admit into your place of business a knife-wielding fellow wearing a mask. And if you are, you should be fired.

Now what's Erik to do? At this point, the prudent thing for a weapon-wielding potential robber to do is run away, ditch the knife and balaclava, and try to get through the rest of the day without attracting any attention to yourself. But Erik had a better idea. He was early, sure. So he'd just wait. For the bank to open. Then he could
conduct his business.
So that's what he did, stationing himself and his knife on a nearby
bench, which is where the police found and arrested him shortly thereafter.

So remember, you crazy, larcenous kids: early to bed and early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Early to a robbery just gets you in trouble.

Source:
Aftenposten

 

I
t was an early Sunday morning
in the U.S. Virgin Islands town of Christiansted, but “Adrian” was not having a day of rest—indeed, far from it, as he was busy robbing himself a cafe and trying to find a way to open the store's safe. Before he could figure it out, however, the cafe's morning shift arrived, slightly earlier than usual. Trapped, Adrian looked to hide and ended up stuffing himself very tightly into the cafe's air conditioning vent.

This would have been a fine idea, had not the staff then decided to turn on the AC. For once they did, Adrian couldn't help but notice that the cooling system's fan was smacking him repeatedly and cutting into his flesh. And it was in the coiled-up, progressively minced position that the cafe's staff found him a few minutes later, as they followed up the strange sounds coming from the cooling system.

Adrian got a trip to the hospital. Then he got a trip to jail. Maybe he should have made it a day of rest after all.

Source: Associated Press

 

B
ud” and “Jan” wanted a Cadillac
sold by an Independence, Missouri, dealership. They just weren't keen on paying for it. Since stealing one was the only way, they nabbed a sweet model, one equipped with the OnStar navigation system. Not only could OnStar tell them how to get places, it could also let the dealership know where the stolen vehicle was being taken. But Bud and Jan (who by all indications had done their research on the make and model of car with which they were absconding) were prepared; shortly after they stole the car, they ripped out the car's antenna—thereby silencing the onboard tracking system.