Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (18 page)

Four years later, the U.N. officials in Brussels bowed to the inevitable and mailed Nasseri’s new refugee card to him. That year the French also issued him identity papers, which gave him the right to live in France (or at least to step out of the airport). Again, Nasseri refused. He wouldn’t even
sign
his French papers, let alone use them. Why? For one thing, the papers listed his nationality as Iranian (and he had disowned his country for throwing him out). For another, they identified him as Merhan Nasseri (and he had adopted the nickname given him by the airport staff—Alfred Sir).

California alone has the fifth largest economy in the world.

Why is Nasseri being so stubborn when his freedom is so near? His years at the airport have taken their toll on his mental health. Bourget says Nasseri is “extremely paranoid and confused,” and the airport’s medical chief, Dr. Phillipe Bargain, agrees. “He has a fragile psychological balance,” Bargain reports. Both men predict that Nasseri will live at the airport until he dies.

HOME SWEET HOME

Nasseri’s schedule hasn’t changed much over the years. He rises at about 8:00 a.m. and showers, shaves, and brushes his teeth in the men’s room. Then he goes to McDonald’s or one of the other restaurants and has breakfast. Afterward he sits on his red plastic bench, reading, smoking cigarettes, and listening to his radio (he’s picked up a little French by listening to announcements over the airport’s public address system).

Nasseri visits with anyone who wants to talk to him and records each encounter in his journal, now more than 8,000 pages long. He either has fast food for dinner or buys his own food at the airport minimart. “I suppose it’s not very healthy to live on burgers, pizzas, and sandwiches all the time,” he says. At 9:00 p.m. he curls up on his plastic bench and goes to sleep.

BIG MAN ON CAMPUS

Nasseri used to rely on the kindness of airport staff and strangers for clothing, meal vouchers, and pocket change. Now that Dream-Works—producers of
The Terminal
—has paid him for his story (a rumored $275,000), he can buy things himself. He has been the subject of countless articles, two documentaries, and two feature films over the years. Maybe that’s why he stays. “After 15 years, with financial success, I’m happy,” he told
Premiere
magazine in 2004. “This is my dream world. I don’t have any worries.”

“Better to be alone than in bad company.”

—Thomas Fuller

Camels have three eyelids.

College athletes have to pass their classes or they’re not allowed to play sports. In 2001 the University of Georgia devised a course to ensure that their basketball players got at least one
A
: “Coaching Principles and Strategies of Basketball,” taught by Assistant Coach Jim Harrick, Jr. The following questions are from the actual final exam
.

1.
How many goals are on a basketball court?

a) 1

b) 2

c) 3

d) 4

2.
How many players are allowed to play on a team at one time?

a) 2

b) 3

c) 4

d) 5

3.
How many halves are in a basketball game?

a) 1

b) 2

c) 3

d) 4

4.
How many quarters?

a) 1

b) 2

c) 3

d) 4

5.
How many points does a 3-point field goal account for in a basketball game?

a) 1

b) 2

c) 3

d) 4

6.
Draw the half-court line.

7.
What is the name of the exam which all Georgia high school seniors must pass?

a) Eye Exam

b) How Do the Grits Taste Exam

c) Bug Control Exam

d) Georgia Exit Exam

8.
If you go on to become a huge coaching success, to whom will you tribute the credit?

a) Mike Krzyzewski

b) Bobby Knight

c) John Wooden

d) Jim Harrick, Jr.

9.
Who is the best assistant coach in the country?

a) Ron Jursa

b) John Pelphrey

c) Jim Harrick, Jr.

d) Steve Wojciechowski

10.
Draw the 3-point line.

Answers (if you really need them) are on
page 513
.

When the Irish say “Top of the mornin’ to you,” answer “and the rest of the day to you.”

More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction
.

S
ORRY ABOUT THE PAPER

“A tree has been sent a letter—to reassure it that it is safe from being cut down. The two-page message, headed ‘Dear The Tree,’ was stuck to its trunk. It followed concerns from environmental campaigners that the 60-year-old lime on University Road, Southampton, was about to be cut down. It assures the tree that there is a six-month temporary preservation order on it and goes on to say that if the tree would like to make further comments, it should make them in writing to the local council. A spokesman for Southampton City Council said addressing the tree was a ‘standard legal device.’”

—Metro (U.K.)

EARS TO YOU!

“A Turkish bus driver glued part of his ear back on after it was cut off by thieves. Recep Yavrucu refused hospital treatment and bought a tube of super glue instead. He said he was scared of doctors and needles and preferred to treat his own wounds. Four youths attacked him on his regular run at Antalya. They also stole around £100. The injured man helped police with their inquiries but refused their offer to take him to the hospital. ‘I’ve never been to a doctor, and I’m not starting now,’ Mr. Yavrucu said. ‘Having a piece of my ear cut off was not that serious. I fixed it myself.’”

—Hurriyet
(Turkey)

MISS OTHER UNIVERSE

“In January, sponsors of a Bangkok ‘beauty’ pageant selected 40 contestants out of about 200 semi-finalists to vie for the title of Miss Acne-Free 2001. The 40 were selected actually on the basis of how severely pimpled and pock-marked their faces were, with the eventual winner to be the woman who, with treatment, clears up the most. Said one eager contestant, ‘It is not often that I can step into the limelight because of my acne.’”

—The Nation
(Thailand)

Pope John Paul I once wrote a fan letter to Pinocchio.

AWW, SHOOT

“Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to be shot? Phil Horner of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, did, so he took a gun and shot himself in the shoulder. While this may sound odd, it gets even more weird. Recently a 911 call came in and an ambulance was once again sent to the Horner residence. It seems that he shot himself one more time. The reason? In his own words, ‘I wanted to see if it hurt as much as it did the first time.’”

—Bizarre News

THE HOLE STORY

“Forty-one-year-old Romanian Cornel Pasat has been living for the last year—stark naked—at the bottom of a 30-foot hole dug in his living room, because he can’t face people since his girlfriend left him. Relatives, tired of supplying food and water and emptying the bucket he uses as a toilet, called in the authorities for help. Says police chief Marcu Marian: ‘I don’t know how we can persuade him to come out—he seems quite happy down there.’”

—The Dispatch
(South Africa)

FULL HOUSE

“A couple in Australia named their three children Kitchen, Bedroom, and Garage after the rooms where they were conceived.”

—“The Edge,”
The Oregonian

THAT’S FUNNY

“German authorities have fined a woman for laughing too loudly. Officials in Berlin took action against the 47-year-old, named only as Barbara M. in court papers, when her neighbor complained her giggling was disturbing the peace. The neighbor said Ms. M. frequently invited people round and they would laugh the night away. ‘It is against the law in Germany to make noise after 10 p.m.,’ he complained. She claims he was exaggerating. ‘I invited some colleagues to dinner on one occasion and after a couple of glasses of wine we started to enjoy ourselves.’ She said the next thing she knew the police were knocking on her door and a few days later she received a fine for 25 euros. ‘It was laughable,’ she said.”

—Ananova

Only 5% of the stars in our galaxy are bigger than our sun.

Finally, technology merges with fashion
.

T
HE “NO-CONTACT” JACKET:

Inventors hope to challenge the “existing power landscapes between men and women” by delivering 80,000 volts of electricity to the initiator of any unauthorized contact. Turning a key on the left sleeve arms the battery-powered garment. If the wearer is touched anywhere on the upper body, the toucher gets a shock equal to inserting his finger in an electrical socket.

IMAGEWEAR:
Designers at Nokia have created necklaces that can store and display up to eight digital images. The images are transferred wirelessly from a mobile phone or computer. The idea behind these techno medallions: “To display images that reflect the individual style or emotion of the wearer.”

COMPUTER JACKET:
Pioneer Electronics came up with a wearable computer designed “for people on the go.” It has an Organic Electro-luminescent flat-panel display screen built into one sleeve, a keypad on its cuff, and speakers in the collar. It’s based on the same technology that Pioneer currently uses in their car stereo systems.

AMERICAN SIGN LANGUAGE GLOVE:
This glove (which looks more like a robotic arm) translates sign language into spoken word or text. Sensors inside the glove map the wearer’s hand and finger movements. A microcontroller analyzes the information to find the correct letter, word, or phrase associated with the movement, then converts them into text or speech.

9-1-1-DERWEAR:
German scientists have developed electronic underwear that not only monitors your vital signs, but can also call emergency services when help is needed. The bra and underpants have sewn-in sensors that look for dangerous heart rhythms. When trouble is detected, the sensor will automatically call a number for medical assistance. (They’re also machine washable.)

High cost of medicine: Gold was once used to treat lung disease.

Here at the BRI when we think of Dolly Parton we think of two things: her wit and her wisdom
.

“I hope people realize that there is a brain underneath the hair and a heart underneath the boobs.”

“I believe in my cosmetics line. There are plenty of charities for the home
less
. Isn’t it time somebody helped the home
ly
?”

“What people do behind closed doors is certainly not my concern unless I’m behind there with them.”

“I would only set foot on the street without all this makeup if my husband was dying of a heart attack. He’d have to be really sick.”

“I’m a very open person. One reason I’m a good boss is ’cause you always know what I’m athinkin’. I won’t treat you bad. I’ll just say, ‘Hey, Joe, there’s somethin’ that’s really been buggin’ the s#@* outta me.”

“After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.”

On her namesake, Dolly the cloned sheep:
“Even though it’s controversial, I’m honored. There’s no such thing as baaaad publicity.”

“It’s a good thing I was born a girl, because if I’d have been a boy, I’d have been a drag queen.”

“I have to honestly say that most of the stuff the tabloids write has a little grain of truth. They’ve told a lot of stuff about me that’s true. They’ve told a lot of stuff about me that ain’t true. And I don’t admit or deny any of it, because what I ain’t done, I’m capable of doing.”