Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (3 page)

As always, these books would never make it to press were it not for the committed (they should be) staff at BRI headquarters in Ashland, Oregon.

•
Thanks to our writers, John D. (check out his harrowing tale of “The Gimli Glider,” perhaps the most nail-biting story we’ve ever told) and Little Thom (he gave us “The History of Civilization” and “Forgotten Founding Father”).

•
Then there’s Brian, who knows far too much about pop culture and proves it with his great article about the lost
Star Wars
movie. And we can’t forget Ol’ Jay, who left the BRI, but somehow still shows up every day...and one day he showed up with a terrific piece on Woodstock.

•
Laura does a bit of everything, from answering the mail, to revamping our store, to writing about Jackie Chan’s most brutal injuries. Thanks to John G. for his typesetting prowess and creative eye (and to Jeff for helping during crunch time!). And thanks to Rain for filling all of our customer orders with a smile.

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Sam came to Ashland, said “Whassup?” wrote some articles (“Upstanding Citizens,” for instance), then said “Later,” and flew back to New York City. Who was that masked man?

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Special props: to Michael B., the world’s best (and most patient) cover designer; to Angie, who provided hundreds of great running feet (including Uncle John’s new favorite: “This page is about 500,000 atoms thick”); to the Godfather, Allen Orso; to Jenny Baldwin and Paul Stanley, our cohorts at Banta; and to our copyeditor, Sharilyn (Weer verry sad two sea you goe., but dont wurrry—weel bee just find).

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Holding it all together is our production manager, Julia, whose grace and perseverance make our lives a whole lot easier.

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Thank you to Mrs. Uncle John from the BRI for sparing your wonderful husband for most of the summer and fall so we could get this book done. You can have him back now. (He may need a nap.)

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And last, but most, thank you to our dedicated readers. You’re a part of our family, too. See you next year.

And in the meantime,

Go with the Flow!

—
Uncle John, the BRI staff, and Porter the Wonder Dog

It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you
.

S
UPER MARIO BROTHERS.
Mario, the Italian-American plumber in dozens of Nintendo video games, was modeled after the landlord at Nintendo’s New York offices in the 1970s.

GOLLUM.
Actor Andy Serkis provided the voice and movements for the character in the
Lord of the Rings
films. He based the voice on the sound of his cat coughing up a hairball. Special effects artists modeled Gollum’s wiry, bony frame on punk rocker Iggy Pop.

“SMOKE ON THE WATER.”
In 1971 the band Deep Purple was about to perform at a casino in Montreux, Switzerland. Just before they went on, a fan fired a flare gun into the crowd (the opening act, Frank Zappa, was performing). The casino burned to the ground, spreading huge plumes of smoke across Lake Geneva. The image stuck with the band and inspired the classic rock song.

NBA LOGO.
The National Basketball Association’s logo is red and blue with the white silhouette of a player dribbling a ball. The model: 1960s Los Angeles Lakers star Jerry West.

TAXI DRIVER
(1976). Paul Schrader created Robert De Niro’s creepy Travis Bickle character after reading the published diaries of Arthur Bremer, the man convicted of trying to assassinate presidential candidate George Wallace in 1972. In turn, John Hinckley, Jr. claims
Taxi Driver
inspired his attempt to murder President Reagan.

COLUMBIA PICTURES LOGO.
The woman in a toga holding a torch aloft is not based on the Statue of Liberty. The model for the logo—used since 1925—was Evelyn Venable, a bit player at Columbia.

AMERICAN FLAG BUMPER STICKERS.
Peter Fonda got the idea to use American flags to decorate the motorcycle he rode in his 1969 film,
Easy Rider
, from John Wayne’s flag-emblazoned jacket in
Flying Tigers
(1942). But when Fonda rode the motorcycle through Los Angeles, police stopped him for
desecrating
the flag. “By 1970,” says Fonda, “every cop car had a flag on its fender.”

Princess Diana’s favorite band was Duran Duran.

The verdict is in! These real-life courtroom exchanges make some of the best bathroom reading there is. These were actually said in court, and recorded word for word
.

Q:
Do you recall telling the police that you passed out at that time?

A:
I passed out, yes. I passed out. I think I blacked out. I passed out, but I don’t know if I was really out. I just remember blacking out, and I assume I passed out. If I didn’t pass out, maybe just my mind blacked out.

Judge:
Had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

Defendant:
Uh-huh.

Judge:
Had you?

Lawyer:
Answer it audibly.

Judge:
Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

Defendant:
Audibly.

Lawyer:
Do you now wear corrective glasses?

Witness:
There are three of you?

Judge:
How do you plead, guilty or not guilty?

Defendant:
I’m guilty as hell.

Judge:
Let the record reflect the defendant is guilty as hell.

Lawyer:
Officer, at this point in your mind, did you consider him to be a suspect in the homicide?

Officer:
No. I really did not have enough intelligence to make that decision.

Q:
I take it you helped milk the cows?

A:
I milked them.

Q:
Did you help with breeding at all?

A:
The bulls did the breeding. I couldn’t do that.

Lawyer:
When you said that, there was some hesitation. Have you heard of others that you haven’t heard about yet?

Q:
So you don’t recall the exact distance?

A:
That he was from me? Or I was from him?

Lawyer:
What about the research?

Witness:
I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that.

Lawyer:
What about just common sense?

Witness:
Well, I am not here using common sense. I’m here as an expert.

Lawyer:
Now, Doctor, which way would someone fall after receiving a twelve-gauge shotgun blast directly in the chest?

Witness:
Down.

Eight percent of pet owners dress up their dogs and cats for Halloween.

Here’s the story of a pokey little horse who has won the hearts of Japanese racing fans...by losing every race she enters
.

S
TEED WITHOUT SPEED

In the summer of 2003, the owners of a struggling track in Kochi, Japan, were looking for a way to keep from going under. Someone noticed that one of the horses competing in an upcoming race, an eight-year-old named
Haru-urara
(“Glorious spring”), was just a few races away from losing her 100th race in a row—why not try to get some publicity out of it?

They got a local newspaper to do a story on Haru-urara, and the national press picked it up. Until then she’d been just another unknown loser, but Haru-urara turned out to be just the right horse at just the right time: Japan had been on a losing streak of its own—the economy had been in bad shape for more than a decade and unemployment was high—and the losing horse that kept on trying was an inspiration to Japanese workers worried about their own economic futures. Attendance at the race track soared from an average of 1,600 fans per day to 5,000 on Haru-urara’s 100th race. (She lost.) Thirteen thousand showed up on her 106th. Japan’s top jockey rode her...and she lost again.

NEVER GIVE UP

Haru-urara has become the most famous horse in Japan. Fans expect her to lose but bet on her anyway, just to get a ticket with her name on it—it’s considered good luck. So many people place bets on her, in fact, that she’s usually favored to win, even though everyone knows she will lose. Like a pro athlete, she endorses products (she races with a pink Hello Kitty riding mask), appears in beer commercials, has her own line of merchandise, and has been the subject of both a pop song and a major motion picture.

Best of all, she has been saved from the fate of many losing horses—the slaughterhouse. Her trainer, Dai Muneishi, has arranged for her to retire to a farm on the northern island of Hokkaido. “I don’t really know why she’s so popular,” Muneishi says, “but I guess the biggest reason is that the sight of her running with all her heart gives comfort to people’s hearts.”

Non-dairy creamer is flammable.

Some people seem to be able to overcome any obstacle—including age
.

HIT RECORD

Youngest:
In 1992 a 4-year-old named Jordy had a hit in France with “Dur Dur d’Être Bébé!” (“It’s Not Easy Being a Baby!”)

Oldest:
Louis Armstrong was 62 in 1964 when “Hello, Dolly!” hit #1.

PRO HOCKEY PLAYER

Youngest:
Bep Guidolin joined the Boston Bruins in 1942 when he was 16.

Oldest:
Gordie Howe played professionally from 1946 to 1980, when he was 52 years old.

MAYOR

Youngest:
Jeffrey Dunkel won the mayorship of Mount Carbon, Pennsylvania, in 2001 at the age of 18.

Oldest:
Dorothy Geeben was still leading Ocean Breeze Park, Florida, at age 96.

CONVICTED MURDERER

Youngest:
Thirteen-year-old Nathaniel Abraham was convicted in 2000.

Oldest:
Leonard Nathan Sherman of Daly City, California, was 85 in 1999 when he got life in prison for shooting his sister.

OSCAR WINNER

Youngest:
Tatum O’Neal won for
Paper Moon
at the age of 10.

Oldest:
Jessica Tandy won for
Driving Miss Daisy
at age 80.

POPE

Youngest:
Benedict IX, elected pope at age 11 in 1032.

Oldest:
Adrian I, elected at age 80 in 772.

PERSON TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL

Youngest:
Thomas Gregory did it in 1988 when he was 11.

Oldest:
Clifford Batt did it in 1987 at 67.

AUTHOR

Youngest:
Dorothy Straight was 4 years old in 1964 when her book,
How the World Began
, came out.

Oldest:
Sarah Louise Delany’s book,
On My Own at 107
, was published in 1997. She was 107.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
HOST

Youngest:
Drew Barrymore hosted in 1982 at age 7.

Oldest:
Miskel Spillman was 80 when she won an “Anyone Can Host” contest in 1977.

Average life expectancy worldwide: 66 years old.

Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes
.

A
VANT GARBAGE

“Damien Hirst, an avant-garde artist, saw his brand-new installation at London’s Eyestorm Gallery go missing briefly. The work is a collection of found objects recovered from an artist’s launch party (cigarette butts, beer bottles, soda cans, candy wrappers, etc.). A cleaning man mistook the ‘exhibit’ for the nightly garbage and tossed it out. Gallery officials recreated it later by referring to a photograph of the trash to get the exact placement of the items.”

—
News of the Weird

LEAST WANTED

“Two Mexican criminals, Alfredo Ramirez and Alvaro Valdes, were recently withdrawn from a highly publicized ‘Most Wanted’ list distributed to police stations all over Mexico. The reason: officials discovered that the two men were already in prison. The state prosecutor’s office released a congratulatory statement saying that it ‘recognizes the unmatched cooperation of the citizens and authorities of the country...which allowed us to locate these two dangerous evil-doers, who are already in jail.’”

—
Reuters

DUMMY

“When Claudia Sassi, 57, heard a voice from inside her husband’s casket, she collapsed and died. Jacques de Putron, a ventriloquist friend of the husband, told police he thought mourners would find it uplifting to hear ‘Let me out!’ coming from his coffin.”

—
Stuff
magazine