Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (66 page)

A ROS SAMPLER

Is Amanda McKittrick Ros the worst novelist in literary history? Here are some excerpts from her work—you be the judge
.

Opening line of the book:
“Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?”

—
Delina Delaney
(If you can tell us what it means, let us know.)

Attacking a lawyer named Michael McBlear:
“Readers, did you ever hear
Of Mickey Monkeyface McBlear?
His snout is long with a flattish top Lined inside with a slimy crop:

His mouth like a slit in a money box

Portrays his kindred to a fox.”

—Poems of Puncture

On an Atlantic Ocean crossing:
“They reached Canada after a very pleasant trip across the useful pond that stimulates the backbone of commerce more than any other known element since Noah, captain of the flood, kicked the bucket.”

—Helen Huddleson

“Her superbly-formed eyes of grey-blue, with lightly-arched eyebrows and long lashes of that brownish tint, which only the lightly-tinted skin of an Arctic seal exhibits, looked divine.”

—Delina Delaney

“Leave me now deceptive demon of deluded mockery: lurk no more around the vale of vanity, like a vindictive viper: strike the lyre of living deception to the strains of dull deadness, despair and doubt...”

—Irene Iddesleigh

During the Middle Ages, murdering a traveling musician was not thought a serious crime.

Where does the money go when you buy “health food” products? To some New Age hippies who live in rustic communes and give the profits to charity, right? Well, they might have started out like that, but in some cases you’d be surprised
.

B
OCA BURGERS

Humble Origin:
This soy-based, vegetarian product was invented by a natural food restaurateur in 1993 and touted as a healthy alternative to Americans’ favorite meal.

Gobbled Up By:
Kraft Foods, makers of Oscar Mayer bologna, Jell-O, Cool Whip, and Cheez Whiz, in 2000. (Kraft is owned by Altria, also known as Philip Morris, the cigarette maker.)

POWERBAR ENERGY AND NUTRITION BARS

Humble Origin:
Started in a Berkeley, California, kitchen in 1986.

Gobbled Up By:
Swiss mega-corporation Nestlé. They bought the brand in 2000 for a reported $375 million and said it “demonstrates Nestlé’s commitment to health and nutrition.” Some of Nestlé’s other “health” foods: Butterfinger candy bars and Nesquik instant chocolate drink.

CASCADIAN FARM ORGANIC FOODS

Humble Origin:
Cascadian was a small organic farm when they started in 1972. They were “committed to sustainable agriculture for the environment—and delicious food for you!”

Gobbled Up By:
General Mills, the third largest food company in North America, and makers of Betty Crocker cake mixes, Lucky Charms, and Hamburger Helper. They bought Cascadian in 1999.

BEN & JERRY’S ICE CREAM

Humble Origin:
Started in a Vermont gas station in 1978 by two guys with a commitment to high-quality foods and social justice. If ice cream can be a health food, this is the brand.

Gobbled Up By:
Dutch multinational corporation Unilever. They bought Ben & Jerry’s in 2000 for $326 million. (They also own the company that makes Slim-Fast.)

A single toad will eat about 10,000 insects over the course of a summer.

ODWALLA NATURAL JUICES

Humble Origin:
Started by three musicians in Santa Cruz, California, to fund school music programs.

Gobbled Up By:
Coca-Cola, which bought Odwalla in 2001 for $181 million.

SILK SOY MILK

Humble Origin:
Created by White Wave, makers of soy products since 1977 under the credo “business without guilt.” It was marketed as a healthier alternative to cow’s milk.

Gobbled Up By:
Dean Foods, which also make powdered creamers and Gracias Nacho Cheese Sauces, in 2002. Another of Dean Foods’ products: cow’s milk. They claim to produce more than two billion gallons a year.

KASHI ORGANIC PROMISE CEREALS

Humble Origin:
“Kashi Company was founded in 1984 on the belief that everyone has the power to make healthful changes!”

Gobbled Up By:
The Kellogg Company, makers of Cocoa Krispies, Eggo waffles, Cheez-Its, and Pop-Tarts. They bought Kashi in 2000 for an estimated $40 million.

SUPRO SOY PROTEIN POWDER

Not So Humble Origin:
Supro Soy Protein is made “for Fitness and Health” by Protein Technologies International—a subsidiary of DuPont. In 1999 they successfully petitioned the FDA to permit claims that soy protein reduces the risk of heart disease. Some of DuPont’s other products: Over their long history, DuPont has made lead paint, insecticides, gunpowder, explosives, plutonium, and Agent Orange.

INCENTIVE TO WIN?

At the end of every New York Yankees home game, the P.A. system plays the song “New York, New York”: the Frank Sinatra version if they win...and the Liza Minelli version if they lose.

In ancient Greece, women didn’t start counting their age until they were married.

...and other great tabloid headlines
.

ALIENS PASSING GAS CAUSED HOLE IN OZONE LAYER!

—
Weekly World News

KEY TO HAPPINESS... YOUR GRANNY’S ARMPITS!

—
New York Post

I FOUND JESUS UNDER MY WALLPAPER

—
The Sun

NUDIST WELFARE MAN’S MODEL WIFE FELL FOR CHINESE HYPNOTIST FROM THE COOP BACON FACTORY

—
News of the World

HOTCAKES NO LONGER SELLING WELL

—
Weekly World News

OATMEAL PLANT BLOWS UP; OMAHA BURIED IN ICKY GOO

—National News Extra

MOST UFOs LOOK LIKE REGULAR PLANES!

—
Weekly World News

GIRL SCALPED BY BERSERK TORTILLA-MAKING MACHINE

—National News Extra

I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS CHEATING WITH KEVIN COSTNER...BUT I FOUND HER WITH PRINCE ANDREW!

—
The Star

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH FOUND IN NYC SUBWAY TOILET

—
Weekly World News

Tough guy: An adult male gorilla can bench press about 4,000 pounds.

Carl Sagan (1934–1996) was an outspoken astronomer and author whose life’s mission was to explain the unexplainable
.

“In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.”

“The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”

“It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English—up to 50 words used in correct context—no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.”

“The universe is neither benign nor hostile—merely indifferent.”

“We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.”

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think it’s forever.”

“Who are we? We find that we live on an insignificant planet of a humdrum star lost in a galaxy tucked away in some forgotten corner of a universe in which there are far more galaxies than people.”

“If we long to believe that the stars rise and set for us, that we are the reason there is a universe, does science do us a disservice in deflating our conceits?”

“All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value.”

“In science it often happens that scientists say, ‘You know, that’s a really good argument; my position is mistaken,’ and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. It happens every day, but I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion.”

Off to see the Wizard? Tornadoes strike most often between 4–6 p.m., March through July.

Have you ever lied about your age to get into a movie or stood on your tiptoes to be tall enough to get on a carnival ride? Here are some people who took “faking it” to extremes
.

S
UBJECT:
Willie James Young, Jr., of Miami

POSING AS:
Assistant principal of North Miami Middle School

NOT WHO HE SEEMED TO BE:
Young had been working for the school district for 22 years, but according to police, his true career was dealing narcotics. Young, it turns out, was a distributor for the Luis Cano international drug ring, accused of selling more than $100 million worth of cocaine on American streets. The assistant principal gig? Just a cover.

CAUGHT!
In 1998 Young was arrested by undercover Drug Enforcement Agency agents when he tried to buy 66 pounds of cocaine...just two blocks from his school. He later claimed that he only bought the drugs in order to get them off the street before dealers could sell them to kids. “I was going to take the stuff down to the North Miami Police Department,” he explained.

But the DEA had been building their case against Young for months, and had even negotiated drug deals with him in his office at school. “Someone called in the middle of one meeting, and he told them he was in a parent conference,” DEA spokesperson Pamela Brown told reporters. “Then he laughed about it [to me], saying it was a pretty good cover.” Young was convicted and sentenced to 30 years in prison.

SUBJECT:
Raul Cruz of Houston

POSING AS:
Rita Fry

NOT WHO HE SEEMED TO BE:
Rita Fry, a housewife, was actually Raul Cruz, a special education teacher at Woodson Middle School in Houston. Students at the school knew Cruz as a man, but neighbors had no inkling that Rita was anything but a woman.

Jupiter’s Great Red Spot is 25,000 miles wide.

And nobody (except for the cops, that is) knew that Cruz and the man he lived with were drug dealers.

CAUGHT!
Police had Rita and her “husband,” Jeffrey, under surveillance for more than two months before arresting them in September 1986 on charges of delivering cocaine to undercover police officers. “This bit about her being a man is absolutely incredible,” next-door neighbor Eloise Saylor told the
Houston Chronicle
. “I just can’t imagine her being a man. She will always be a she to me.”

SUBJECT:
Baldrick the cat, owned by Julie Coulthart, an English barmaid

POSING AS:
Scruffy the cat

NOT WHO HE SEEMED TO BE:
One morning in July 1991, Coulthart put the cat out and went off to work. But when she got home, Baldrick wasn’t there to greet her. He didn’t come home the following day, either, and after a couple of days, Coulthart assumed that he had run away or died. Not quite. Three weeks later, Baldrick turned up again, with a plaster cast on his leg. Where had he been? And who gave him the cast?

Coulthart assumed that some kind stranger must have taken Baldrick to the vet after he’d broken his leg, so she started going door to door, canvassing the neighborhood to see if she could find the Good Samaritan who had taken her cat to the vet.