Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (34 page)

Let me take this opportunity to assure you that this merger was undertaken solely with you, our valued customer, in mind. As one of the largest financial institutions in the world, Monolithic Bank is now in a position to serve you better than ever. Here’s how:

Absolutely Positively Totally Free Checking

Enjoy the convenience of Absolutely Positively Totally Free Checking, a Monolithic Bank exclusive. Just keep a minimum of $10,000 in a savings, money market,
and
time deposit account (or $30,000 in any one of them), and your first three checks each month are absolutely, positively, totally free!

Choose from a wide range of designer check colors, including White, Cream, Albino, Lily-of-the-Valley, Vanilla, and Ivory. And each check is distinctively personalized with your signature at the bottom.

No More Bounced Checks

You can also avoid the inconvenience and embarrassment of bounced checks by signing up for Automatic Overdraft Protection. Qualified customers who keep $5,000 in an easy-to-open Overdraft Protection Account are completely covered against bounced checks—up to $5,000! Automatically. We’ll even waive the annual membership fee if you sign up now.

William Henry Harrison’s inaugural address was the longest, at 8,443 words.

Best of all, your Absolutely Positively Totally Free Checking account comes with unlimited check-writing privileges. No one will ever come to your door and tell you to stop writing checks. You’re free to write as many checks as you want, until the accumulated service charges exceed your balance. That’s a Monolithic Bank promise.

Hard-Working Savings

Your money should work as hard as you do. At Monolithic Bank, it works even harder. Simply open a Money-Maker Savings Account and your money goes to work for you 365 days a year—no vacations, no sick days, and no maternity leave. Make additional deposits and watch your account balance go up, up, up. The sky’s the limit.

We’ve also got savings plans designed for special needs, like our Christmas Club account. Just transfer funds from your Money-Maker Savings into a Christmas Club account and your money will still be there when the holidays roll around—guaranteed!

Convenient Locations

Say good-bye to frustrating drives around town looking for a bank branch. Our new Branch Consolidation Plan makes banking easier by significantly reducing the number of bank outlets, making the remaining branches much easier to locate. You’ll soon settle on one location as your “home” branch and feel better about it.

And in case you’re wondering, most branch closings will be in “bad” neighborhoods, places where you and your loved ones probably wouldn’t want to be walking in the first place. We’re glad to be doing our part to make banking safe—and fun—once again. Welcome home!

Zero Human Error

You have better things to do than worry about whether the bank has made an error. Our rapidly expanding ATM network is bringing us closer to our goal of Zero Human Error—another Monolithic Bank exclusive. Each teller we replace with an ATM reduces the number of human mistakes, making your banking experience more efficient and pleasurable.

George Washington’s second inaugural address was the shortest, at just 135 words.

But don’t worry—we haven’t forgotten the value of friendly service. Our ATMs always greet you with a neighborly “Welcome” screen, never tire of asking whether you’d like another transaction, and thoughtfully “beep” when you leave your card in the machine. We guarantee a warm “Thank You” and “Have a Nice Day” printed right on every receipt.

Most importantly, our ATM network is designed with your safety in mind. Each machine comes equipped with a state-of-the-art parabolic mirror—simply look straight into the mirror and you’ll actually be able to see “behind” you. In the unlikely event of a mishap, our new Crime-Stoppers Hotline makes filling out a robbery report a snap. Just call during regular business hours and follow the easy instructions (touch tone phones only). And don’t worry about paying for the call—you’ll be billed automatically.

Sound Investment Advice

Whether you’re looking for long-term financial gain or short-term windfall profits, Monolithic has a flexible investment plan to suit your needs. Our investment specialists target companies that are aggressively downsizing or shedding unnecessary salary and pension costs, assuring you of a maximized rate of return. At Monolithic, our money managers never forget the time-honored investment maxim: Main Street’s pain is Wall Street’s gain.

We don’t stop at the border, either. Our financial specialists search the globe for investment opportunities that will work harder for you. Ask about our Third World Growth and Income Fund, which seeks emerging companies in China, Indonesia, Cambodia, Albania, and Mexico that have dramatically lowered labor costs. You’ll soon become a “slave” to high earnings.

Of course, money doesn’t grow on trees. But if it did, there’d be a tree growing beside every Monolithic Bank investment specialist!

No-Hassle Loans

You’ve told us that banks should make it easy to borrow money, and we’ve listened. All we need to process your No-Hassle Loan is your application, a credit report, an appraisal, a current pay stub, and your tax returns for the last five years. That’s it! No last-minute holdups for “additional” paperwork.

Not again: 15% of drivers get 76% of all traffic tickets.

Our No-Hassle Loan Officers will customize a car or home equity loan tailored to your financial requirements, without bothering you with confusing details about “rates,” “points,” and “collateral.” They’ll even advise you on public transit options if your car unexpectedly changes hands or help you look for an apartment if you suddenly lose your house.

Our mortgage lenders understand that a house is not merely a house—it’s a home. That’s why we’ve developed the Home Sweet Home Mortgage Kit to help you secure the home of your dreams. Be sure to consult the handy Home Buyers Map for your region—applicants within the designated red-lined area may qualify for special treatment.

Commitment to Diversity

At Monolithic, we’re committed to diversity. We will not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, age, religion, familial status, sexual orientation, disability, or national origin. Everyone is welcome to deposit his money here.

We’re working hard to make our workplace more diverse, too. In many areas, it’s not unusual to see women and people of color working at our branch offices, or employed by companies that clean and provide security to those branches. Who knows—someday one of those hard workers may become a branch manager. At Monolithic, anything’s possible.

Peace
of
Mind

Most importantly, your money is safe at Monolithic Bank. It’s federally insured by the FDIC for qualified customers. It’s also backed by the full faith and credit of the U. S. government—your money is legal tender for all debts public and private.

And thanks to our recent mergers, Monolithic Bank is now officially Too Big To Fail. The feds couldn’t shut us down if they tried. Not even if all our investments suddenly went belly up and the board of directors fled to the Cayman Islands. Not that it’s going to happen.

You’ll sleep better knowing your money’s safe at Monolithic. So go ahead—sleep.

We’ll handle the rest.

It would take 5,000 strands of spider web to make a ribbon 1 inch wide.

Sometimes, the best way to illustrate a point is by telling a story.

An old man once called his sons to him. “I shall soon die,” he said, “but before I leave you, I want to show you something of great importance. But first go and gather some thin sticks for me.”

His sons did as they were bid.

Then the father gave each of them a stick and said, “Please break this for me.” Each of them broke a stick with great ease.

Then the father took all the remaining sticks and placed them together. “Now,” he said to one of his sons, “break all these sticks at one time.” The son tried and tried but could not do so. Nor could any of the other boys break the bundle of sticks.

“I am sure,” said their father, “that you know what I mean to tell you by this. Each one of you, alone, is weak; but if you stay together, you will be strong.”

In unity there is strength.

There was once a shepherd boy who used to mind his sheep far out of town on a lonely hillside. The days wore heavy on his hands and one day the lad thought of a way to drum up some excitement. He ran down the hill shouting, “A wolf! A wolf!”

At this, the neighboring farmers, thinking that a wolf was devouring the boy’s flock, dropped their work and ran to his aid. However, when they got to the hillside, the boy laughed and said, “I was just playing a joke.” The men were quite annoyed and went back to their work.

Some few days later, the boy tried the same thing again. Again the farmers dropped their tools and ran to his assistance. When they saw that the boy had fooled them a second time, they were very angry. The next day, however, a wolf did appear.

“Wolf! Wolf!” cried the boy. But this time the farmers did not believe him. They refused to help him, and many of the boy’s sheep were eaten.

A
liar is not believed even when he tells the truth.

A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue.

Plenty has been written about how people who nearly die, get a glimpse of the “other side,” and then somehow make it back to the land of the living. Here are some examples of another kind of “rebirth”: people who were thought to be dead, but were actually quite alive.

D
ECEASED:
Ajay “Happy” Chopra, 34, of New Delhi, India

NEWS OF HIS DEATH:
Several weeks after Happy disappeared from his home in 1995, his brother Ashok spotted someone he thought was his brother at a local bazaar. He walked up to the man and—no kidding—asked him, “Are you Happy?” The man nodded “yes.” So Ashok took him home and bathed and fed him. He wasn’t troubled by the man’s apparent inability to speak, because Happy had a history of drug abuse.

That evening “Happy” died. The funeral and cremation took place the following morning.

RESURRECTION:
The next evening, the real Happy Chopra returned from a religious pilgrimage, unaware that “his remains” had been cremated just that morning. The Chopra family has no idea who the dead man was, and due to the cremation no one will ever know. “The resemblance was uncanny,” Ashok says. “Not only myself, but the whole neighborhood thought Happy had come back.” Bonus: Happy Chopra is now seen as a sort of demigod in his neighborhood. “People touch his feet, seek his blessings, and give him offerings of money,” Ashok says.

DECEASED:
Abdel-Sattar Abdel-Salam Badawi, an Egyptian man suffering from fibrosis of the liver

NEWS OF HIS DEATH:
In July 1997, Badawi fell into a deep coma. Thinking he was dead, doctors put his body into a coffin and sent him to the morgue.

Longest underwater kiss on record: 2 minutes, 18 seconds.

RESURRECTION:
About twelve hours later Badawi came out of his coma. “I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t see anything,” he later told a reporter. “I moved my hands and pushed open the coffin lid, to find myself among the dead. I shouted for someone to rescue me. When no one heard me, I started to chant verses from the Koran.”

Badawi remained locked in the morgue for more than twelve hours before a nurse unlocked the door. But upon seeing a “corpse” standing up and reciting from the Koran, the nurse dropped dead from a heart attack. “I left the body in the refrigerator,” Badawi says, “and got out of that place.”

UPDATE:
The doctor who declared Badawi dead was reprimanded; Badawi says he will never go to the hospital again.

DECEASED:
Jose Estrada, 48, of Baytown, Texas

NEWS OF HIS DEATH:
In February 1996, Estrada went for a run on a jogging trail near his house. He didn’t know it, but just a few minutes earlier paramedics had taken away the body of a man who had collapsed and died while jogging on the same trail. The dead man wasn’t carrying any identification—all he had was a set of General Motors car keys. So a sheriff’s deputy went back to the scene to see if the keys fit any of the cars. Somehow, the keys fit in Estrada’s GM truck.

The deputy traced the license plate to the Estrada residence, broke the news to Estrada’s wife, Herlinda, and took her to the hospital to identify the body. “There was a tube in the man’s mouth, and tape over his mouth and eyes, so I couldn’t really see his face,” Herlinda says. “I thought, ‘This must be Jose.’ You’re in such a state of shock, you’re not thinking straight.”

RESURRECTION:
While all of this was going on, Estrada finished his jog and stopped at the grocery store before heading home. As he was putting away the groceries, his wife’s boss called to offer condolences. Informed of his own death, Estrada raced to the hospital to tell his wife it was a mistake, arriving just after she signed the death certificate. “After I stopped hugging him, I started crying,” Herlinda says. “And I told him, ‘If you ever die on me again, I’ll kill you myself.’ ”