Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (33 page)

In August 2001, Patrick Collier, 35, walked into a McDonald’s restaurant in Holly Hill, Florida, and ordered a meal. As he was sitting down to eat it he was approached by some McDonald’s corporate executives. Only weeks earlier he’d been homeless and sleeping in a cardboard box, and he was still down on his luck… and looked it. When the executives approached him, he said, “I thought I had done something wrong.”

Not quite—the executives handed him a certificate worth $1 million. A month earlier the FBI had arrested employees of the marketing company that ran the McDonald’s “Monopoly” contest for stealing more than $13 million worth of game prizes. McDon-aid’s, concerned that the scandal would harm consumer confidence in its sweepstakes, chose five restaurants at random and instructed each one to award a $1 million prize to someone eating in the restaurant. At random. Apparently, Collier was the first person chosen. “I’m getting a Harley,” he said, “and a couple of houses.”

Three safest modes of transportation: ship, train, and commercial airplane (in that order).

In June 2001, Dana Colwell of Frankenmuth, Michigan, was mowing her lawn when the mower picked up a two-inch nail that was lying on the ground and shot it up at her. Luckily for her, she was wearing a padded, “liquid curved” bra at the time. The nail punctured her right breast, but the bra slowed it down. If not for that, her doctor said, she would have been seriously injured. “I’d probably be dead,” said Colwell. She added that she hadn’t planned on wearing the bra that day, but, while she was dressing that morning, “a higher power told me to put it on.”

In June 2001, tropical storm Allison struck the township of Upper Moreland, Pennsylvania. The storm ruptured a gas main at the Village Green apartment complex, causing an explosion that destroyed much of the building and killed six people. One elderly resident lost everything she owned, but at least she had insurance. When claims adjuster Paul Markloff arrived a few days after, she asked him to search what was left of the apartment to find her purse. The woman was distraught and confused, but she believed the purse might contain as much as $8,000 in cash.

Markloff sifted through the rubble and found the purse. It contained only $35, so he looked around to see if there was any other money in the apartment…and found 181 envelopes filled with $50 and $100 bills stuffed into three drawers of a dressing table. “I was amazed,” Markloff says. “The dressing table was the only piece of furniture that hadn’t been touched by fire.” It took four bank tellers more than three hours to count the money, which came out to more than $420,000.

“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

—Mel Brooks

Q: How long is a million seconds? A: 11.5 days.

Today we think of salt as cheap and plentiful. But before modern mining methods, salt was rare and valuable
—
even worth fighting for.

Straining under 300 years of British rule, India badly wanted independence. The movement for self-rule began at the dawn of the 20th century; Mahatma Gandhi led the fight.

Salt was plentiful in India, and because of the tropical climate, where work in the hot sun depletes the body of its reserves, it was an indispensable commodity. But British Colonial law dictated that the sale or production of salt by anyone other than members of the British government was a criminal offense. And British salt was heavily taxed, forcing Indians of all castes to pay high prices for something they could have easily gotten for free at the seashore. Gandhi decided to use this as the focal point of his campaign for freedom.

March to the Sea

In 1930 Gandhi wrote to the British viceroy announcing his intention to break the Salt Laws in a campaign of civil disobedience. On March 12, Gandhi and 78 supporters began a march, walking from the town of Sabarmati to the coastal village of Dandi 240 miles away. Their 23-day journey took them through the center of every town along the way. In each town, speeches were made and people joined the march… until the procession was two miles long.

On April 6, the marchers reached the Arabian Sea, where Gandhi picked up a lump of mud and salt and boiled it to refine it, using the ages-old method of obtaining salt. He consumed the salt and then encouraged his thousands of followers to do the same, all of which was illegal according to British law. By the end of the month, the British had imprisoned over 60,000 people for making salt illegally. Gandhi himself was imprisoned for nine months. The salt march was one of Gandhi’s most visible and successful campaigns for independence and was closely followed by the media and the Indian people. The salt tax was eventually repealed, but it was too late for British Colonialists. The image of Gandhi marching to the sea had become a potent political symbol, adding momentum to the independence movement. In 1947 the British gave up and India finally achieved Gandhi’s goal—once again becoming an independent nation.

The world has been at peace only 8% of the time over the last 3,500 years.

For over 300 years, the Mexican salineros, or “saltmen,” had been mining and selling salt from deposits near what is now El Paso, Texas. They didn’t understand the concept of private ownership of what they considered public land—anyone who was strong enough to unearth the salt and and sell it was welcome to it.

That all changed in the 1870s when a young Texas district judge named Charles Howard used legal tactics to claim the land surrounding the mines as his own. Now Howard was saying
he
owned the property and no one was allowed to gather salt but him. At first, the salineros ignored him and continued mining as they had always done. Howard made his point clear by shooting one man who opposed him and arresting two others for merely talking about going to get salt.

Outrage spread like wildfire and a plan was made to fight back. When word came to Howard that a train of 16 wagons was being sent to get salt, he realized this meant a showdown and sent for the Texas Rangers. Howard and the Rangers were organizing when their building was surrounded by salineros and a siege began. The battle had dragged on for five days when the salineros sent word: “If Howard gives himself up willingly and gives up all claim to the salt lakes, no harm will come to him.” He surrendered, but a mob shouted for his death. Howard and a few of his followers were put in front of a vigilante firing squad and summarily executed. The rest of the Rangers were released, and they fled. They are noted today for being the only Rangers who have ever surrendered.

Federal troops soon arrived, seeking revenge for Howard’s murder. Anyone suspected of participating in the siege was shot on sight. Pandemonium broke out, and people began to loot and riot. A larger contingent of Texas Rangers then came on the scene and put an end to the fighting.

At the End of the Day

A full investigation of the affair led to no definite conclusions. No one was ever arrested or prosecuted. When a new agent was appointed to head up the Texas Rangers, the salineros politely applied for permission to haul salt for a reasonable fee. It was granted.

Low profile: The 17-year locust lives 16 years, 9 months underground.

In 1259, Charles of Anjou, king of Sicily, imposed the first Salt Tax on the people of France. Its original purpose was to finance a war against Naples. Every citizen over the age of eight was required to buy a certain amount of salt at a price determined by the king—but the tax wasn’t equitable. People who lived close to salt-production centers paid very little, while those who lived farther away were forced to pay taxes up to 20 times the actual value of the salt, equal to a month’s wages for the average family. Some provinces had special treaties that exempted them from the tax altogether, but it was illegal to buy salt in a province you didn’t live in. People traveling from one place to another were searched for smuggled salt, and the penalty for possessing it was often death.

Revolt

The Salt Tax, harsh and unfair, plagued the people of France for centuries. But the tax was hardest on butchers, who needed 30 pounds of salt to preserve a single pig. In 1413 butchers formed a union and organized a black market system to avoid the tax. Deadly skirmishes between butchers and tax collectors were common.

Ultimately, the Salt Tax was one of the factors that led to the French Revolution. During the Revolution, 32 Salt Tax collectors were executed by the peasants. The tax was repealed in 1791, but Napoléon reinstated it in 1806 in order to finance his invasion of Italy. It wasn’t finally abolished until shortly after World War II ended.

On April 29, 2001, 17-year-old Carla Renee White beat out 10 other women in a Berkeley County, South Carolina, beauty contest to win the title Miss Hell Hole. Now in its 30th year, the contest is named after a local community’s “defining body of water.”

It takes 6,000 gal. of paint, 60 people, and 4 months to paint the Eiffel Tower.

You know that “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” but there are countless other proverbs that you may have never heard. Here are some of BRI’s favorites from around the world.

“A full stomach likes to preach about fasting.”

Russia

“The addition is correct but where is the money?”

Japan

“The archer that shoots badly has a lie ready.”

Spain

“The beetle is a beauty in the eyes of its mother.”

Egypt

“A beggar who begs from another beggar will never get rich.”

Jamaica

“A good bell is heard far, a bad one still farther.”

Finland

“Evil knows where evil sleeps.”

Nigeria

“If you want a bird and a cage, buy the cage first.”

America

“If you want your dinner, don’t offend the cook.”

China

“Where the body wants to rest, there the legs must carry it.”

Poland

“The sweetest grapes hang highest.”

Germany

“Patience is an ointment for every sore.”

Wales

“What is play to the cat is death to the mouse.”

Denmark

“No medicine cures stupidity.”

Japan

“Run after two rabbits—you won’t catch either one.”

Armenia

“He who is free of faults will never die.”

Zaire

“Their mosquito won’t bite me.”

Ivory Coast

“The mud that you throw will fall on your own head.”

Iran

“Don’t sell the bearskin before the bear is dead.”

Holland

“Better to die upright than to live on your knees.”

Yiddish

“There is no phrase without a double meaning.”

Kenya

Queen Anne of England (1665–1714) had 17 children; they all died before she did.

Last year our friendly neighborhood bank went global…and unfriendly. They still have tellers, but if you want to do anything beyond cash a check, they point you to “the phone.” This satire by Tom McNichol, first published on
Salon.com
,
really rang true for us. Has it happened to you yet?

Dear Valued Customer: You may have already heard about First National’s recent acquisition of Bank of the West and our proposed merger with First Interstate and World Savings to form a new entity, Monolithic Bank, N.A. As a valued customer of the new Monolithic Bank, you may be wondering how this change will affect you.