Uncle John’s True Crime (36 page)

After his release from prison, Al Capone retired to Florida
.

The Second Trial

The case went to trial a second time, beginning on January 11 and lasting until February 3. The second trial was much like the first, only this time the defense introduced even more evidence concerning Ms. Rappé’s shady past. But Arbuckle’s lawyers, confident they would win handily, did not have Arbuckle take the stand in his defense. That was a huge mistake—this time the jury deadlocked 9–3 in favor of
conviction
.

The Third Trial

The case went to trial a third time on March 13. This time, Arbuckle’s defense left nothing to chance: it provided still more evidence questioning both Rappé’s physical health and her moral character, and it brought Arbuckle back to the stand to testify on his own behalf.

FINAL VERDICT

The case went to the jury on April 12, 1922. They deliberated for less than 5 minutes, then returned to court and read the following statement:

THE AFTERMATH

Roscoe Arbuckle was a free man, but his life was in tatters. The trials had cost him more than $750,000, wiping out nearly his entire life savings
(the $3 million Paramount contract had fallen through when the scandal broke). As if that wasn’t bad enough, the IRS went after him a few months later, when it seized the remainder of his estate to collect more than $100,000 in back taxes. It also obtained a court order to attach whatever wages he earned in the future until the entire tax debt was paid back.

Longest time on the FBI’s 10 Most Wanted: Victor Manuel Gerena has been on it since 1984
.

THE HAYS OFFICE

Things got even worse for Arbuckle. Largely because of the scandal, 12 of Hollywood’s top studio moguls hired William Hays, chairman of the Republican National Committee and a former postmaster general, to become America’s “movie czar.” His job: Keep Hollywood’s image clean. His first task: Deal with Arbuckle.

Hatchet Job

Six days after Arbuckle was acquitted, the “Hays Office” (as it came to be known) banned him from the screen. The public was led to believe it was a moral issue. Actually, Hays was doing the bidding of Paramount heads Adolph Zukor and Jesse Lasky, who no longer wanted to work with Arbuckle, out of fear that he was box office poison. But they didn’t take any chances; rather than risk losing Arbuckle to a competing studio, they lobbied the Hays Office to ban him from the film industry entirely.

COMEBACK

The ban was lifted eight months later, but the taint remained and Arbuckle had trouble finding work. He began work on a short subject film called
Handy Andy
, but was so hounded by reporters that he gave up on the project.

Over the next decade he appeared in stage shows, ran a Hollywood nightclub, and directed a number of films under the pseudonym William B. Goodrich (Will B. Good). But it wasn’t until 1932—more than 10 years after the trials—that he had a chance to return to the screen. Studio head Jack Warner hired him to act in a film called
Hey, Pop!
It was a box office success, and Arbuckle was signed for six more films. He only completed three—
Buzzin’ Around
,
Tamalio
, and
In the Dough
. The evening
In the Dough
finished shooting, Arbuckle celebrated at dinner with his wife and went home to bed. He died in his sleep at about 2:30 a.m., leaving an estate valued at less than $2,000.

Between 1934 and 1955, there was not a single bank robbery in Hawaii
.

The bad news: You’re in jail. The good news: You can still enjoy one of the finer things in life—wine. You just have to make it yourself. In the toilet
.

W
HAT YOU’LL NEED:
several thick black garbage bags; a few slices of bread or rolls; some warm water; a straw; sugar packets or cubes; and something fruity with sugar in it, such as fruit juice, tomatoes, or Kool-Aid packets.

DIRECTIONS

Step 1
. You’ll start by making a double- or triple-thick brewing chamber. Do this with a plastic trash bag stuck inside another trash bag stuck inside another trash bag.

Step 2
. Pour in a gallon of warm water.

Step 3
. Add as much fruity material as you can muster. This can be anything from leftover fruit juice to orange rinds, raisins, tomatoes, Kool-Aid, even ketchup packets...or a little bit of each—whatever you can salvage from the limited offerings of the prison cafeteria. The fermentation process turns sugar into alcohol, so the more sugar or sugar-rich foods and liquids you have, the stronger the wine will be. Throw in about 50 sugar packets or sugar cubes, and add a new one every other day or so.

Step 4
. Fermentation is triggered by the addition of yeast. Since yeast packets aren’t readily available in prison, you’ll have to get creative. Bread has yeast in it, but what really has a large concentration of yeast is bread
mold
. So snag some bread from the cafeteria when it’s still fresh and moist and put it on a shelf for a few days until it starts to get moldy. When the mold forms, the bread is ready to go into the wine bag. Think ahead: The moldy bread should go into the chamber at the same time as the fruity material.

Step 5
. Seal the bag by knotting it tightly. Run it under hot tap water every day for about 15 minutes and wrap it in a blanket to keep it warm.

A single hair can reveal a person’s sex, age, and race. (Good thing Uncle John is bald.)

Step 6
. As the yeast in the bread mold ferments the sugar into alcohol, it creates carbon dioxide as a by-product, and that has to have some way to escape. So ventilate the chamber by cutting a tiny hole in the garbage bags and inserting a straw.

Step 7
. Hide it. (Is there a prison anywhere in the world that lets inmates make their own liquor?) Three days will produce a slightly alcoholic wine, but wait a week and the wine will ferment into a strong—but horrible-tasting—brew of about 13 percent alcohol, the higher end of commercially available wine’s alcoholic content.

Step 8
. When the week is up, wait. You can’t drink it quite yet. You have to “shock” the wine to stop the fermentation process. Here’s how: Place the bag (careful of the straw and straw-hole) in the toilet bowl. Flush the toilet every few minutes for about an hour to allow the cold water to wash over the outside of the bag, cooling the wine and ending fermentation.

Step 9
. Enjoy. (And try not to get caught.)

*
*
*

• “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

• “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

• “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the speed of a nine-millimeter bullet fired from my gun.”

• “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket.”

• “Warning? You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I will give you
another
ticket.”

• “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife will get a toaster oven.”

• “Just how big
were
those two beers?”

In 1986 a guard in an armored car was killed when $50,000 worth of quarters fell on him
.

These sentences may have made sense at the time they were handed down...but we doubt it
.

• Leah Marie Fairbanks of Duluth, Minnesota, pleaded guilty to first-degree assault charges and was sentenced to 14 months probation...plus she had to read seven classic novels and the Declaration of Independence and then write reports on each one.

• Anna Mae Leach of Castle Shannon, Pennsylvania, was jailed for a week for not returning three videotapes. (The charges turned out to be false.)

• Gloria Cisternas of Santiago, Chile, was sentenced to seven days in jail for failing to pay a $63 (U.S.) fine. She had been fined for failing to keep her lawn green.

•
USA Today
reported that Utah’s Tom Green had been convicted for polygamy and criminal nonsupport. Sentence: “0–5 years in prison.”

• Tony and Angelica Flores spent a night in jail after failing to appear for their court date. Criminal charges had been filed against them in Peoria, Arizona, for keeping their Christmas lights up too long.

• In Louisville, Kentucky, Luther Crawford, father of 12 kids by 11 different women, was $33,000 behind on child support payments. He avoided going to prison by accepting the judge’s offer that he refrain from sex until he has paid up.

• A wealthy Finnish man was fined $103,000—for a speeding ticket. In Finland, traffic fines are levied in proportion to the driver’s income.

• Four Swedish teenagers were convicted of high treason for their plot against King Carl Gustaf. Their plot: to throw a strawberry cream pie at him.

13 American prisons banned the TV show
Prison Break
.

One of the most famous unexplained disappearances ever recorded is the case of the
Mary Celeste.
In 1872 the ship was found drifting aimlessly in the Atlantic, in seaworthy condition and fully provisioned. But the entire crew had vanished without a trace, and the presence of blood stains found on the empty vessel has fueled rumors that a grave crime was committed on board. But what
really
happened? To this day, no one knows
.

B
ACKGROUND

On November 5, 1872, the
Mary Celeste
set off from New York carrying a cargo of l,701 barrels of commercial alcohol. Her captain was Benjamin Spooner Briggs, a well-known seaman who allowed no drinking on his ship and regularly read the Bible to his men. The crew had been carefully chosen for their character and seamanship, especially because the captain had brought along his wife and two-year-old daughter. He was looking forward to a safe and pleasant voyage.

DISAPPEARANCE

One month later, on December 5, Captain Morehouse of the
Dei Gratia
—another cargo ship bound for Gibraltar—noticed a vessel on the horizon. It looked like it was in trouble, so he changed course to see if he could be of assistance. After calling out to the ship and getting no reply, Morehouse lowered a boat and sent two men to board. It was immediately evident that the ship, which turned out to be the
Mary Celeste
, was deserted. The men looked for underwater damage, but the vessel was not leaking, and was in no danger of sinking. There was evidence that the
Mary Celeste
had encountered bad weather, but on the whole she was in perfectly good condition and should have had no problem continuing her journey.

Stranger yet, there were six months’ worth of provisions aboard and plenty of fresh water. All of the crew’s personal possessions were intact—even the ship’s strongbox. In fact, absolutely nothing was missing
except some of the ship’s papers and the ship’s lifeboat. Captain Briggs, his family, and the crew had obviously abandoned the ship in a hurry...but why? What could have frightened them so much that they’d desert a seaworthy vessel for an overcrowded yawl and take their chances in the stormy Atlantic?

Frenchman Stéphane Breitwieser claims he stole 239 artworks from 172 museums in 6 years
.

INVESTIGATION

Still puzzled by the disappearance of the crew, Captain Morehouse decided to claim the
Mary Celeste
as salvage. He put three men aboard her and proceeded with both ships to Gibraltar.

Officials in Gibraltar were suspicious of Morehouse when he showed up with a “salvage” ship in such good condition, still carrying valuable cargo. They investigated and discovered that:

• The
Mary Celeste
’s hull was perfectly sound, indicating she had not been in a collision. Nor was there any evidence of explosion or fire.

• The cargo of commercial alcohol seemed to be intact and complete.

• A phial of sewing machine oil was standing upright, spare panes of glass were found unbroken, and the furniture in the captain’s cabin was in its proper place—all indications that the ship hadn’t endured particularly rough weather.

• The fact that the crew had left behind all their possessions—even their tobacco—indicated that they had left the ship in a panic, afraid for their lives, but the investigators could see no reason for this.

• The most mysterious item aboard was a sword found under the captain’s bed. It seemed to be smeared with blood, then wiped. Blood was also found on the railing, and both bows of the ship had strange cuts in them which could not be explained.

THE OFFICIAL WORD

Solly Flood, attorney general for Gibraltar, found the bloodstains suspicious and was convinced there had been violence aboard the
Mary Celeste
. However, the Vice Admiralty Court issued a verdict clearing Morehouse and his crew of any suspicion. After the ship’s owners paid Morehouse a reward, the
Mary Celeste
was given a new crew, and went on to Italy, where her cargo was delivered. She continued to sail for 12 years but was known as a “hoodoo ship,” so most seamen refused to set foot on her.

It is a crime in Parkersburg, West Virginia, to sneak up on policeman and shout “Boo!”