Undeniable (11 page)

While I’m dialling, a message from Nish comes through. I see it has the word
tomorrow
in it, but that’s all I catch before I accidentally delete it.

‘Hello?’ Mia says in a little far away voice. Like a tiny mouse. Then she says it again because I haven’t actually answered.

‘Heyyy,’ I say.

‘You’re drunk,’ she replies immediately.

‘You sound crackly!’ I’m whispering and holding my hand over my mouth, even though I’m sure they won’t hear me from down in the living room.

‘I’m in France . . .Where are you? Oh, Jamie says hi.’

‘Tell Jamie I hate him. He’s stolen you off. Away. I want you back.’

There is some rustling and then Jamie’s voice.

‘She’s yours for a tenner – I’ve been looking to trade her in.’

Then I hear an ‘Oi’ and a scuffle and Mia’s back on. ‘So where are you?’

‘Just at Spencer’s.’ I’m trying to sound casual but my throat is too tight.

‘Is that the guy who had the party?’ she says. ‘The others told me about him.’

‘What did they say?’ I’ve stopped whispering, but my voice is still coming out higher than I mean it to.

‘That he kissed you and it freaked you out. Gabi, what’s wrong?’

‘Wrong? Nothing! How are you?’ I swallow.

There’s a pause and some shuffling. It sounds like she’s moving to another room.

‘Gabi,’ she says firmly. ‘What would you be saying if this was me?’

‘Come to my bosom and tell me everything,’ I mumble.

‘Exactly,’ she says. ‘So, you know . . . do that.’

Mia doesn’t like naming body parts.

So I tell her. About the kiss and how I can’t get it out of my mind. About all the things his friends were saying about him just now. How I look at him and have no idea what he’s
thinking, but I get a thrill every time I find out something new about him. How exciting it is being at the point where everything is a possibility. And how scary. And how the idea of trusting
someone fills me with panic. Mia just listens and lets me speak.

‘I don’t understand how it’s happened.’ I catch my breath. ‘I got scared and I’m drunk and now I’ve run away to hide in this
massive
bathroom.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, it’s just massive. You could just run round and round the room to dry yourself instead of using a towel.’

‘No – what do you mean you don’t understand how it happened?’ she says.

‘I think I like him.’

‘It’s okay to like him,’ Mia says softly.

I pause. ‘No it’s not! I only just broke up with Max. People will think I’m heartless.’

‘Anyone that matters knows you’re not heartless, Gabi. If someone thinks otherwise they’re a moron.’

‘You won’t tell anyone, will you?’

‘Well, this is awkward, because I’ve been live tweeting our conversation.’

‘Oh Mia, even in France you’re still a knob.’

‘’Fraid so.’

‘But you’re my knob.’

‘Um, thanks. Do you think you will tell him you like him?’

‘No. He might not even feel the same. And if he does then he shouldn’t get involved with me anyway. I’m mad and all over the place and shouldn’t be allowed near
people.’

‘You are quite mad, but you’re also amazing and I have the highest standards in the world for anyone that goes near
you
. He would be lucky to be involved with you.’

‘I love it when you’re soppy, Mia.’

‘Shut up.’

I smile and then lean my head against the toilet roll holder and neither of us says anything for a while. It’s one of those comfortable silences that you can have with your best friend. I
close my eyes.

‘Gabi?’ GABI?’ Mia’s voice is barking at me. ‘Have you fallen asleep?’

‘Sorry! A bit.’ My eyes snap back open.

‘You should probably go back downstairs now. You’ve been on the phone to me for about half an hour. They’ll think you’re being sick.’

I stride back into the room and say, ‘I wasn’t being sick.’

They all look up at me. Now they think I definitely was.

Spencer stands up, all three of him, in fact. He looks concerned, I think.

‘Shall we take you to bed?’

The time it did happen with Max probably sounds cooler than it was. It was in a car at a house party. But the car was his older brother, Cal’s, and the party was
Cal’s friend’s, so we didn’t really know anyone there. Mia and some of the other girls from school were huddled in a corner mostly saying, ‘What?’ and repeating
themselves a lot because the music was so loud. Mia was actually hoping to get with this guy Kieran (who I now call Kieran the Dick) but I didn’t know that at the time because Mia is all
sneaky and secretive with stuff like that. I beat it out of her in the end. Not literally. Well, a bit literally.

They weren’t being very partyish so I dragged Max round to mingle but that backfired because he started talking to some guy about football and then didn’t seem to notice all the
yawning and eye-rolling I was doing. Eventually I said, ‘Max! I think someone is starting a beat-boxing competition!’ and he went, ‘Ooh, where?’ and I took him off to the
kitchen.

I went behind Max and threaded my arms under his and squeezed him. I was in one of those moods where my heart just buzzed with how much I loved him.

‘Let’s get drinks!’ I said, while Max was looking round for people beat-boxing.

It was a huge kitchen, which blatantly contained everything you could ever need, so we set about finding the ingredients for Jaegerbombs.

‘One, two, three – down!’ said Max.

I was busy doing my disgusted-shots face before I realised Max was looking at something.

‘What?’ I turned round.

‘Those are Cal’s car keys.’

I turned back. The question was there in his eyes.

Outside was chilly and we both had our arms crossed to try to stop the shivering. We hadn’t stopped to get coats. Looking back at the house we could see the silhouettes of people
through the curtains. We didn’t think anyone had seen us leave. Both our heads turned in panic to the house again when Max pressed the button to unlock the car, causing a loud beep and the
headlights to light up, but nothing changed.

Then once we’d slid onto the back seat, Max decided to try to put the front seats down to make it more like a bed. He pushed the one on the driver’s side too forcefully and the
headrest smacked against the horn. We both squealed – him more high-pitched than me, I think – and then we were silent. But again the house didn’t react.

The seats were freezing and at first our kissing was disrupted by frequent shivering. I moved on top of him and he hugged me close. I went in for a long, slow kiss and slid my hand over his
chest and down. He moaned slightly as a felt him straining against his jeans. He shifted over and then we awkwardly repositioned ourselves so I was lying back on the seat and he was lying on his
side on the front seats.

‘Clothes off ?’ he said.

‘Can we keep top halves on?’ I asked.

‘Won’t that look weird?’

‘Only if you go back into the house like that.’

He flung his jeans away in an impression of a stripper before realising that the condom was in his pocket. Then I couldn’t stop laughing at his bum in the air as he scrambled around to
pick them up again.

Then he was on top of me. Our bare legs together. He moved a strand of hair away from my face.

‘I love you.’

I smiled at him. ‘I know. Get on with it.’

When it actually happened it was like everything went quiet. There was nothing except the sound of our breathing – and whispering because he was worried about hurting me and I was
telling him it was okay. I can’t remember exactly what we said. It is all a blur. But a happy blur. With Max I felt completely safe.

Afterwards we lay there hugging for a while, but we knew we couldn’t be long. Cal was supposed to be giving us all a lift home and they would be wondering where we were.

We found out that actually they weren’t. We’d been seen going towards the car and that word had got round to everyone except Mia, who had left her lip gloss in the car and had
come out to get it. A minute later, she’d run back into the house shouting, ‘MY EYES!’

I’m sitting on Spencer’s bed. He left me to get changed into a T-shirt.

I could tell him how I feel – that I like him. It could start something. Something that would take over and throw us together and send us on an adventure.

Something beyond my control.

He puts his head round the door and holds up a toothbrush. ‘Spare,’ he says.

‘Do you keep one handy for all the girls you bring back here?’ I shoot back. It comes out more angry than I meant it to.

‘What’s it to you? I’m just your tour guide,’ he says. He says it in a jokey way, but there’s an edge to his voice.

‘Who said I cared?’ I look up at him defiantly.

He frowns. The room suddenly feels tense and awkward. But there’s no going back now. He sits down next to me on the bed. ‘I see what’s happened here.’ His voice is low
and serious. ‘You lurve me,’ he says.

It takes me a moment to process that.

‘What?’

‘You really lurve me, don’t you?’ His voice is all husky.

‘No, I don’t!’

‘You do!’ He’s made his eyes all wide and he’s pouting.

‘I do not.’ I jab him in the ribs.

‘Ow! Look,’ he says, ‘you wanted this to be strictly friendly. So I’ve been behaving myself.’ A smile creeps in at the corners of his mouth.
‘Mostly.’

The moment fizzes in the air between us and I smile at him.

‘But for the record,’ he carries on, ‘I think you’re hilarious. I don’t know why you’re so fixed on this friends thing, but if that’s something you
can’t tell me then that’s cool. The main thing is I like hanging out with you. I’d like to keep hanging out with you.’

I get the urge to grab him and kiss him and start off whatever adventure will happen if I do. But I can’t just yet. Also, the room is still spinning and if I let go of the bed I might fall
over.

‘How do I know these aren’t lines you use on all the girls?’ I say.

He shrugs. ‘You’ll just have to trust me.’

I pad back into the massive bathroom, following Spencer and holding the spare toothbrush.

‘You know, you could just run round and round in here to dry yourself. You wouldn’t need a towel,’ I say as I make my way towards the sink.

‘That’s what all the girls say,’ he says dryly. ‘Actually, no. No one has said that before.’

We both look at each other and then start cleaning our teeth at the same time. I am surprisingly coordinated seeing as I was having trouble sitting up. Then I catch Spencer’s eye in the
mirror. Involuntarily, we both break into a grin. Which causes me to briefly dribble and quickly aim my face over the sink. When I look up, Spencer is still smiling.

‘I’ad ang urlly nii iii u-ay,’ he says through the toothpaste. Then he spits.

I steal a glance at him in the mirror. ‘Was that, “I had a really nice time today”?’

He looks at me quizzically. ‘Maybe.’

I drink a gallon of water to ward off certain death and then lie back in the bed. The mattress creaks as he joins me. He starts talking again about the agent woman he met and I stare straight up
at the ceiling. I could roll over and talk to him properly but there is the smallest chance I might be sick.

It takes me a few moments to realise he’s asked me a question.

‘What do you mean, “What about me?”?’ I say as it sinks in.

‘What was Colin, the producer, saying to you?’

I force my brain to remember. ‘He was saying he would find me more interesting things to do.’

‘That’s great!’

‘Yeah, I was hoping maybe I might get to meet some of the writers and find out what they do. I’ve got this sort-of idea thing I’m working on.’ I stop, realising what
I’ve said. ‘It’s probably crap.’

I hear him shift over on to his side. ‘I’m sure it’s not. I’d love to read it.’

I turn on to my side away from him. ‘Night, night!’

‘Gabi . . .’

I do a pretend snore.

His arm slips round me and I realise my whole body is tensed. ‘I’m going to pester you till you let me read it,’ he says. His breath on my neck makes me even more tense, but at
the same time feel like I want to melt into him. We stay like that and bit by bit I relax. This is what Max used to do when I got wound up. Just be there. And one by one all my panicky thoughts
would switch off.

It’s strange being in the same situation with a different arm around me. He feels solid and there and like if I push him he’ll push back. Like he feels this could be something really
special and he won’t give up at the first sign of trouble.

But how can you be sure?

I wake up an hour later and creep out to the loo, only treading a little bit on Spencer. I’ve got a pounding headache and I want to die.

When I come back in, he’s awake. He asks me if I’m all right and I tell him that it feels like tiny people are having a rock fight inside my skull.

‘I know a good cure for a headache,’ he says, looking at me steadily, with a hint of a grin.

I open my mouth, but can’t think of anything to say and shut it again. Like a fish. I go over and sit on the bed and look at him. There’s a wicked glint in his eye and it makes me
smile. I hardly know anything about him, but there’s something drawing me in. I kind of find it exciting that he’s a mystery.

I lean towards him and get a flutter of panic. Are we actually going to do anything? What if he’s in fact a bit of a dick and he does this routine on every girl? Also, my boobs go a bit
all over the place when released. I didn’t care with Max, but things with Spencer are different.

‘I’m not ready to be number twenty-five just yet,’ I say quickly.

He grins. ‘I had something else in mind.’ He’s moved off the bed and is standing in front of me. And at that moment I grab the front of his T-shirt and pull him towards me. We
kiss and his body is pressed between my legs, grazing up against me. He pushes me back on the bed, so I can feel the weight of him on me. As our kisses get harder, I pull at his hair and I can hear
both our breathing get faster. He runs his hands over my legs, just missing the place where I feel I might explode. Then he pulls his head away from mine and, keeping eye contact, moves back down
until he’s kneeling by the side of the bed. He pushes the edge of my T-shirt up and kisses my stomach. He slides off my knickers and his kisses carry on going down. I freeze for a moment when
I realise what’s happening. This is definitely crossing over into something. Something . . . But soon it is difficult to think.