Undeniable (12 page)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Ash

I sat on the couch and drank my beer while I watched the game.

“I thought you had clinical today?” Livia sat beside me.

Scotty was in the kitchen, finishing dinner.

“I don’t have it this week.”
Because I blew off my exam to help Alaska—again.

Livia studied my face. “Or you missed another exam?”

If painting didn’t work out, she could be a detective. “I may have…”

“Why did you miss two?” The concern was in her voice. “You can’t afford to miss any more patient care.”

I didn’t want to admit it. “I just missed it, okay?”

“Did Alaska have anything to do with this?”

Damn it.
“She needed a new battery and she needed to get to work. Scotty picked me up and helped me out.”

Livia stared at me like she’d never seen me before. “Ash…”

“Don’t give me shit about it. I couldn’t leave her there without help.”

“No…that’s not what I was going to say.” Her eyes softened. “You’re so in love with this girl.”

“No, I’m not.” I jumped to my feet and headed to the refrigerator. I needed another beer—right now.

Scotty leaned against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “Why are you in denial about this?”

“I admit I’m fond of her but I don’t love her,” I barked.

“You smashed her boyfriend’s skull with a beer bottle.” Scotty gave me a firm look. “Dude, you snapped. I’ve never seen you that angry before.”

“He did what?” Livia raised her voice.

I guess Scotty never told her.
“I caught Alaska’s boyfriend cheating on her. I guess I just…lost it.”

Livia covered her face. “Did you tell her?”

I felt the anger come back. “She didn’t believe me.”

“How could she not believe you?” Scotty asked incredulously. “You saw everything.”

“He said he was working, so she called the firehouse to check. That smart fucker got there before she called and acted like he’d been there the whole time.”

“Seriously?” Scotty asked. “So, she’s still with him?”

“Unfortunately.” I downed half my beer, wanting to pass out.

“That poor girl.” Livia shook her head. “She deserves someone better than that.”

“I know she does.” I felt the depression sink in. “She’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. Not only is she beautiful, but she’s just…really cool. I don’t understand how he can be out with another woman when she’s waiting at home for him. How can she not be good enough for him?”

Livia gave me a look I’d never seen before. “She’s the one, Ash.”

I rolled my eyes. “None of this girl gossip shit. She’s just a friend and I care about her.”

“The most amazing girl in the world?” Scotty stared me down. “Those are your words, not mine.”

“You sacrificed two exams just to help her get to work. No offense, but your schoolwork is a lot more important than her photo shoots, which means you lied to her and never told her you were sacrificing your schoolwork for her. I have no doubt she would never let you go through with it. Therefore, you lied to her because you were determined to help her, no matter the cost. And you’ve never done that for anyone before, not even me.” Livia kept staring at me, proving her point. “Ash, she isn’t just a friend.”

I stepped away, needing my space. “She doesn’t feel the same way so it doesn’t matter.”

“How do you now unless you ask?” My sister followed me.

“She has a boyfriend and she refuses to believe he’s cheating on her.” I clenched my jaw. “It’s pretty clear she doesn’t have feelings for me.”

“Maybe she’s in denial just like you are.”

“No, I already hit on her once and she rejected me, coldly. She wants nothing more than my friendship, if that. I was stupid for ever getting close to her, for ever letting her in as much as I did. Because now it just hurts.” I walked out without looking back. My beer was still in my hand. I didn’t want to look at my sister or at Scotty. I just wanted to leave—to get out.

Sage met me at the bar. Of all my friends, he was the least annoying. He could be quiet when I asked, and he didn’t sick his nose in my personal life as much as my sister and Scotty.

Sage watched the game. “If the Padres don’t make it to the playoffs, I’m going to be pissed.”

“How much did you bet?”

“Two-hundred.”

“I hope you win—so you can buy me a beer afterwards.”

“Nah, I’d rather take a girl on a date.”

Sage was different than I was. He was looking for the right woman, not just someone to hit his sheets for the night. But that made him picky, and he was hard to impress.

“How’s it going with Alaska?” he asked.

“She’s just a friend,” I blurted.

“You’re sure about that?”

“Yeah.”

“Is she seeing anyone?”

I glared at him. “She has a boyfriend. And even if she didn’t, she’s off limits.”

He smirked. “I thought you said she’s just a friend?”

“You aren’t good enough for her.”

He shook his head slightly. “You’re in—”

“If you finish that sentence I’ll break my bottle over your head.”

He closed his mouth and watched the game again.

Smart decision.

“Can I say something? It’s not directly about her.”

“Why not? You’re going to say something anyway.”

“You really went psycho on her boyfriend? Because I’ve been hearing rumors…”

“He’s a piece of shit and he deserved it.” I felt no remorse for what I did.

“If he pressed charges, wouldn’t you have been kicked out of school?”

Medical school was different than traditional college. The standards were harder and they had strict rules about that type of thing. As physicians, we were held to a higher standard. Even a speeding ticket could cost my medical license. “I suppose…”

“And you risked that for her?”

“And she didn’t leave the fucker.” I hated thinking about it. My brain was about to explode.

“She must really be something…” He sipped his beer again and dropped the subject.

I didn’t go back to the Gaslight because it was too soon. I didn’t want to be spotted and questioned. I decided to lay low. There were plenty of things to do in Pacific Beach and La Jolla, and more bars than I could count.

“So…are you doing okay?” he asked. “In general?”

“I’ve been better.”

“Maybe you should move.”

I smirked. “I’ve considered it. My lease isn’t up for a few months though.”

“I’m sure Scotty and Livia wouldn’t mind letting you live with them temporarily.”

I cringed. “And share a wall with my sister? No thanks.”

“Good point.”

I ordered another beer and tried to fight the pounding headache behind my eyes. People were crowded in the bar and the music was loud. I couldn’t hear the game on the TV but I could see it.

A group of guys walked in, all wearing San Diego Firefighter t-shirts.

I smelled trouble.

I glanced to the left and noticed Jace. And he wasn’t alone. That same blonde was on his arm. There was a noticeable scar along the side of his head, the mark I left on him. He probably wouldn’t press charges because he would have to admit I attacked him, and if he was at the firehouse the whole time, his cover to Alaska would be blown. I guess that was in my favor.

The fact he was with all his coworkers made me sick. None of them knew Alaska? She called and checked in on him a few times. They just covered for him? They let her believe his lies? If I were a cheater, my sister would be the first one to rat me out.

“What?” Sage caught my look.

“That’s her boyfriend.” I nodded in their direction.

He cast a discreet glance. “Which one?”

“The one with the blonde.”

He looked back at me. “You’re sure?”

“You see the scar on his head?”

“Should we leave…?”

“I’m not scared of him.”

He eyed him hesitantly. “Me neither but…he’s with a dozen firefighters.”

“Still don’t care.” I drank my beer.

“You aren’t mad that he’s still cheating on her?”

“Of course, I’m mad. But I already told Alaska and she didn’t believe me.”

He pulled out his phone. “Um…in case you haven’t noticed, technology has changed in the past few years.”

It didn’t cross my mind. I pulled out my phone and turned on the camera.

“Just record it and send it to her. She won’t be able to deny that.”

I leaned back and stood the camera up against my glass. “I’d like to see her try.”

Sage and I drank our beers while the asshole smothered the blonde in kisses. His hand gripped her ass a few times, and he sucked her neck while he pushed her into the bar. Watching it made me sick. I wished I were doing that with Alaska, kissing her and holding her. I fantasized about her so many times, wished it was her I was fucking and not the random girl under me. I would never get to be with her, but at least this fucker wouldn’t either.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Alaska

I sat on the couch and watched TV. I didn’t feel like going out or doing anything. Jace was at work so I had nothing to do with anyone. The more I thought about Jace, the more confused I became. Should relationships be this much work? He was the only serious boyfriend I ever had so I didn’t have anything to compare it to. We used to be so happy and in love. Lately, I’ve felt like his desire for me has dwindled. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t even want to be around me.

What happened? What went wrong? Maybe I was holding onto the relationship because of what we used to be. I already talked to him and told him my concerns. He said he would be better but he wasn’t. Perhaps I should just end the relationship while we were still friendly with one another. If I waited too long, it could cause more pain and resentment. I didn’t want to hurt Jace. I really care about him.

A knock on my door shattered my thoughts. The knock was light, almost hesitant. Even though I was wearing my lazy clothes, I decided to answer the door anyway. I didn’t care if I looked hideous.

I looked through the peephole and spotted Ash on the other side. What did he want? I felt a sudden surge of joy when I realized he was outside my apartment. Maybe he and I could be friends again, be what we once were. I’d grown fond of him over the months.

I answered the door. “Hey. Car trouble?”

He didn’t laugh. He didn’t smile. He didn’t seem amused at all.

“Okay…is everything alright?”

“No, I’ll make this quick.” He took out his phone then hit the screen a few times. “Is Jace working tonight?” His voice was as cold as ice.

What was going on?
“Yeah. Why?”

“I just sent you something. Look at it.”

My heart moved into my throat. “Why?”

“Just do it.” He waited for me to grab my phone.

I pulled it out of my pocket then checked my messages. “You sent me a video?”

“Watch it.”

I suddenly felt scared. “Ash, what’s going on?”

“You’ll see.” His eyes looked lifeless, dull.

This whole situation was making me uneasy.

“For what its worth, I feel like shit.” His eyes looked empty and dead. His lips were pressed tight together, and his body was tense.

My thumb shook before I hit the play button.

There was the counter to the bar and a group of guys were standing by it, but the person in focus was Jace. He was wearing a firefighter t-shirt just like the rest of the guys, and his tattoo was visible. His arm was around the waist of a blonde woman. And he was kissing her…

Ash kept staring at me, keeping his silence.

Jace gripped her back while he held her close to him. Then he moved her against the bar, closing her in. He kissed her passionately, like he was a sailor who’d been on leave for months. He cupped her face while he did it. Then he pulled away, rubbing his nose against hers. She smiled, loving the way he was relishing her. The video went on for minutes, the same thing happening repeatedly. It was clear he didn’t just meet the girl. He’d known her for a while.

I wasn’t sure what hurt more. The fact he was cheating on me, or the fact he never kissed me the way he kissed this girl. He used to be affectionate with me, never keeping his hands off me. But that passion died months ago. Now he was doing it with her, actually looking at her. The game was on in the background but he didn’t look at it once.

I lowered the phone, breathing hard. I couldn’t think. It was so much to take in. He lied to me. He’d been lying to me for a long time. He wasn’t in love with me. He didn’t even respect me. When I asked if we should just call it quits, he said he wanted to work on our relationship. Why would he say that then string me along like this?

Along with the pain was embarrassment. Jace didn’t even try to be discreet about it. All the guys he worked with knew about it. When I called they covered for him, seeing me as the stupid girlfriend Jace didn’t really care about. I thought about the text messages he would get on his phone, always from the same girl.

Sarah.

Was my entire relationship a lie? Did he ever care about me? Did he ever love me? It would have hurt if he left me for another girl, but I would have accepted it and let him walk away. If he wanted to be with her, I wouldn’t have fought for him. But to lie to me…for so long…made me sick. When he was with me, he was with her. Those lips had tasted someone just a day before he tasted me. When we were in his bed, Sarah was in that bed right after me. Maybe even before.

God, this hurt.

While the pain was evident, the numb was stronger. My body couldn’t handle the betrayal, at least not at once. In order to survive, my mind numbed me, protecting me. My entire life had been filled with men who could never speak the truth. They bailed and left me to fend for myself. First it was my father and now it was Jace. He couldn’t just respect me and tell me the truth? That there was someone else? How long was he going to drag this out? Until he got caught?

“Alaska…?” Ash’s voice was gentle. “I didn’t want to show that to you. I hate the look on your face…it kills me.”

I forgot he was there even though I was looking directly at him. I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to regain my composure. I already cried in front of Ash and I didn’t want to do it again. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you the first time…”

“Don’t do that,” he said immediately. “Don’t apologize.”

I was in so much pain that I didn’t know what to do with myself. “I feel so stupid…”

He stared at me, the heartbreak in his eyes.

“I…I need to go.” I stepped back inside my apartment.

Ash stepped close to me. “I’m here if you need anything. I can just sit with you if that would help.”

“There’s nothing you can do for me. I just want to be alone.”

He stepped back. “Okay.” The struggle was in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to hold me, to do something.

“Thanks for letting me know…and I’m sorry I made such a stupid accusation toward you.”

“It’s water under the bridge.”

“Good night.”

He stepped back and sighed. “Good night, Alaska.”

I shut the door then went into my bedroom. I crawled under the covers and tried to hide from any form of light. I just wanted to disappear, to stop feeling. I didn’t want to exist. I just wanted to fall.

It was stupid to cry over a guy, the dumbest thing in the world. He cheated on me, used me, and lied to my face. He wasn’t worth my tears and heartbreak. I said that over and over again, but I could never stop my own tears.

I cried every day for a week.

I lay in bed and hardly moved. I canceled all my appointments and said I had a medical emergency. I shut out the world and tried to disappear.

I didn’t leave the apartment. I had enough water to get by, and I never had an appetite. The pain was too much, and it gripped me by the throat. I kept going over our relationship in my head, trying to figure out where it went wrong. If he wanted to be with someone else, I wouldn’t have been so distraught. Sometimes things happened. We weren’t married, so it was okay if he met someone he preferred over me. But to have a relationship with her, to sleep with her, and to carry on while he pretended everything was okay was…unacceptable. How could he do this to me? Did he have absolutely no respect for me?

The agony would turn into rage. But then it would simmer back to despair. My emotions were like a roller coaster. They had their ups and downs. Jace called me a few times but I never answered. I didn’t listen to his messages either. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I wanted to face him with a strong front. I refused to let him see how much he hurt me. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction.

A few people came to my door and knocked but I never answered it. I had a strong feeling it was Jace. He never showed enough care to make me think he’d ever check on me, but perhaps the guilt was getting to him. Maybe he was paranoid that I wasn’t calling him back because I knew something. I didn’t care. The guilt could eat him alive.

My phone lit up with a text message. I’ve been ignoring them lately, but I decided to read it.

Check your front doorstep.
It was Ash.

I forced myself to get out of bed and open the door.

On my doorstep was a plate covered in foil, and a gift bag. I took everything inside and examined it. The plate was a dinner of chicken and rice and vegetables. And there was a note.

You haven’t left your apartment once so I thought you might be hungry. I’m not as good of a cook as you, but I tried.

I smiled for the first time in a week then opened the gift bag. Inside was a high-resolution lens, the one I’d been saving for. And there was another note.

For when you’re feeling better.

I smiled again, realizing how thoughtful he was. He was nothing like the man I originally thought. He was actually incredibly sweet and wonderful. Maybe he was a manwhore too, but there were other beautiful things about him.

I pulled out my phone and texted him.
Thanks for everything. It was nice to smile for once.

You’ll smile again. I promise.

I put my phone down, and for the first time in a week, I actually ate something.

As the next week went by, my sister started to worry.

I haven’t seen you in a while. Lunch?

I didn’t want to tell her what happened. I just wanted to be alone.
I’m busy. Maybe next week.

Alright, but you’re buying because you’re a hotshot artist.

I rolled my eyes.
Sure.

I still didn’t leave my apartment. I was running low on clothes and groceries but I refused to go outside. I wasn’t ready to face the music yet.

Jace started to blow up my phone.

Why haven’t you called me?

Are you okay?

What’s going on?

I ignored him, letting him simmer. I had nothing to say to him anyway.

Ash texted me.
Check your doorstep.

Did he leave me another gift? I opened the front door and saw the pile of groceries. And there was a note.

I was worried you might eat your own hair.

I smiled then carried everything inside. Ash was the only person who knew what was going on in my life, and I was grateful he didn’t smother me. He kept his distance and let me deal with the heartbreak on my own.

I texted him.
Thank you. I don’t think I’d look good bald.

You could pull it off. And you’re welcome.

I returned to my solitude and worked on pictures I already had. When I spotted pictures of Jace, I tore them up and tossed them in the garbage. It was unnecessary to rip up every picture of an ex-boyfriend since no relationship ended well, but the fact he cheated on me made me doubt everything between us. I didn’t want his face in my apartment. I didn’t want anything that reminded me of him.

Slowly, I started to gather his things and pack them in a box. Whenever I faced him, I didn’t want him to have a reason to come back. I wanted that to be the last time I ever saw him outside my front door.

A few days later, I got a text from Ash.

Open your front door.

I smiled, wondering what it would be this time, and stepped outside.

A mug was sitting on the ground—with hot cocoa.

I smiled when I grabbed it, feeling my heart ache a little less. Then I walked inside and sat on the couch, feeling the warm mug in my hands.

I pulled out my phone.
It has extra marshmallows.

I thought you needed it.

Ash had been my guardian angel for the past few weeks. I never saw him but he was always there.
Thank you. And thank you for giving me space.

You’re welcome. I know you better than you realize.

I lay on the couch and sipped the hot cocoa until it was gone. Thinking about Ash made me feel better. It was nice to think about something else other than Jace having sex with that blonde while I stayed home on a Friday night. The bitterness flooded my veins every time.

A fist pounded on my door. “Alaska? Open this door.”

It was Jace. It looked like his patience had disappeared.

“I’m not leaving until you talk to me. You haven’t returned my calls and I’m worried.”

I checked my appearance in the mirror and changed my clothes. I didn’t want him to see all the weight I lost or my hollow cheeks. I dabbed some make up on my face so I wouldn’t look so lifeless. He wouldn’t see my suffering. He wouldn’t see my pain. Because he didn’t deserve to.

After I took a deep breath, I answered the door.

His eyes widened. He obviously didn’t expect me to open the door. “Baby?”

Baby? I hated hearing that.
“It’s Alaska.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “What’s going on? Why have you been ignoring me?”