Under Seige (20 page)

What would Julia say? He steadied himself with thoughts of her calm voice.

The door snapped closed and Zach opened his eyes to confront his daughter. "Well, Shelby Lynn, what do you have to say for yourself?''

"Nothing. Not one thing." She spun on her heel, flouncing out of the room.

"Think again."

Shelby sighed a lengthy beleaguered teenage exhale that had long ago lost any impact due to overuse.

She pivoted back around and stared at some point over his head with pretended boredom. He wished he could just lose his temper and have it out with her as he had done with John. Except, control became more elusive with this daughter of his who meant so much more to him.

Zach clenched and unclenched his fists and knew he would never use them on his children the way his father had. But he also knew angry words thrown like punches could leave other bruises. He tried to think as a reasonable parent or even a logical commander, not just an enraged father who'd found his kid a second away from screwing on the sofa while she should have been watching her little brother.

Brother?

Zach pinched the bridge of his nose. "Shelby, we trusted you to watch Patrick tonight."

"I
was
watching him," she insisted, swiping a strand of her rumpled dark hair out of her eyes. "I could hear him on the monitor. I checked him every twenty minutes."

"You knew there wasn't a chance I would agree to John being here alone with you."

"I needed to be with him tonight."

Shelby blinked back tears, which would have moved him if it hadn't been for that damned hickey on her neck. Zach wanted to pound a wall. "Sex without commitment is wrong."

She rolled her eyes. "Like you're really committed to Julia. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you two just married because of your kids. And it's no great lean either to guess that you didn't spend all this time on your motorcycle."

True, but none of her business. His daughter needed to remember who was the adult. "Shelby, don't push me."

She hooked her hands on the hips of her low-slung jeans, attitude and anger radiating from her. "You can ground me now and ground me again, even pitch my phone in the trash, but you can't control what I'm thinking. Another year and half and I'll be old enough to leave if I want."

Her words stopped him cold. Of course he knew her age, but somehow he couldn't erase the image of her at nine years old climbing a tree to save a nest of baby birds.

But she was sixteen, almost seventeen. He and Pam hadn't been more than eighteen months older when they'd started "just sleeping" together. The past sure had a way of biting a man on the ass when he least expected it. He needed Julia's help keeping track of Shelby now more than
ever.

Zach scrubbed a hand over his unshaven face, up to his bleary eyes, suddenly so damned tired beyond what the flight, party and unbelievable hours with Julia should have drained from him.

Bottom line, he couldn't post round the clock guards on his daughter, although the idea had merit. "At least promise me you'll protect yourself. Don't count on the guy to—"

"Why won't you ever stop being such a nimrod and listen to me?" Stomping forward, she shouted in his face, big fat frustrated tears in her eyes. "I told you already. We weren't doing anything. But if I'm going to be accused of the crime, I might as well go ahead and enjoy myself, don't cha think?"

She spun away and ran down the hall to her room. The slam rattled windows three rooms over.

A baby squawk sounded, echoed and built as Patrick cried. Aggie barked, scratching at Shelby's door, woofs turning to whines when she ignored her.

Zach reached down to scratch the dog's head on his way past. "Well, that went well, didn't it?"

Patrick's wails picked up speed and velocity. Man, the little fella was breaking a few sound barriers.

Zach strode into the bedroom, Aggie dashing past to leap on the bed. The golden retriever burrowed her head under quilted pillows, Julia's additions to his room.

Julia lifted Patrick from the crib, her white terrycloth robe twirling around her bare legs. "It's okay, sweetie, everything's okay."

"Want me to take him?"

Patrick wailed, his face tomato-red.

She shook her head. "Now that he's awake, he knows he's hungry."

"Of course." Zach leaned against the dresser, nudging the rainbow assortment of nail polish scattered along the wooden surface. When Patrick's cries didn't stop, Zach glanced up.

Julia was still standing by the rocker.

Her gaze skittered away from his and he could have sworn she seemed... Embarrassed?

He'd seen her feed Patrick hundreds of times the past months. They'd long ago moved past any awkwardness, and tonight should have cemented that. Why the sudden attack of nerves now?

He must be misreading her. Who could think anyway with the baby screaming? Patrick paused for a breath, then shifted the wails into high gear.

Surrendering to the inevitable, Julia sank into the oak rocker, slipping down one side of the robe to nurse him. The baby squirmed and kicked, hiccupping sobs between gulps.

Zach set aside a bottle of Passion Flower Pink polish and crouched beside her, stroking a hand over the baby's soft white hair. A surge of protectiveness rushed through him "Is he okay?"

She nodded. "I think so. The noise probably just startled him, and babies sense tension."

Plenty of that to go around. "I'm sorry Shel let you down."

Julia didn't answer, just rocked and cradled her son.

Zach dropped to the floor, leaning against the foot of the bed. His head fell back. "God, Jules, I don't know what to say to her anymore."

"From in here, it sounded like you told her all the right things. She's right about one thing though. We can't control her thoughts. We just have to hope she listened, and if she didn't, pray she'll be careful."

Not the reassurance he was looking for. "Sometimes it's all I can do not to lose it with her. She knows how to push my buttons until I want to shout it all out there."

"Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing."

"Now there's a new chapter for all those parenting books on my shelves."

"Put
the books away for a minute. Maybe yelling at each
other would be better than not talking at all."

He stared at his hands, shaking his head. "Not a chance, I lived that way growing up. My dad opted for the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' school of parenting. I swore I wouldn't go that route with my kids."

The creaking of the chair slowed, but he didn't want to look at her, not until he could be sure the memories wouldn't show in his eyes.

"You're not your father. You would never hurt your children."

"I know that," he said automatically, rather than risk any more discussion on a subject he'd rather shut down.

The day was already ending on a bad enough note with the baby awake, teenager bawling her eyes out and dog in his bed. Of course the day might have had a crummy end, but it sure had been great before he'd parked the Harley under the carport.

He shrugged out of his jacket, draped it on the edge of the bed by her velvet gown and started on the shirt studs. He would salvage what was left of the night. Julia could make him forget. He worked a cufflink free.

"Uh, Zach?"

"Yeah, Jules?" He pulled his shirt off.

She cradled her son closer, chewing her bottom lip with that self-conscious air again. "I know this may sound crazy after what we did tonight, but I'm not sure I'm ready for you to sleep in here."

A cuff link dropped, bounced off his shoe and rolled along the hardwood floor. Slowly, he looked up.

"Why?" he asked and hoped like hell she would roll out some explanation about how the cranky baby might bother him and he would reassure her he didn't give a damn. He wanted to crawl into that bed with her and sleep for twelve hours.

"I just don't think I'm ready to take that step yet. I heard what you said to Shelby, and you were right.

Sex without a commitment is wrong. That demeans it, turning it into something less than it should be." The rub of red along her neck from the scratch of his beard mocked him from across the room.

"For God's sake, Julia." He stood, draping his shirt over a hanger, a shirt that still carried the scent of roses and! Julia. "We're married. You can't get much more committed than that."

"Commitment is about more than a piece of paper." Her soft-spoken words didn't dilute the power of the punch, "We both know this isn't a committed marriage beyond the summer when you leave for Alabama."

"Do you want it to be?"

What the hell had he said?

Shock leveled him like a SCUD missile.

Once the shock faded, the idea shifted around in his mind. Why impose a deadline that would end a good thing? A better-than-he'd-ever-imagined thing, judging by the scratches Julia's nails had left on his back tonight.

They'd started this for the kids, and his girls needed a unified front now more than ever. And damn it, he'd grown attached to the little bruiser. He wanted to be there for those first steps.

Yeah, he'd been a rotten husband for Pam, but he and Julia were going at this from a different angle, as friends. Hadn't they both learned their lesson about romanticized views of marriage? Real life meant getting through a day at a time and that's just what he and Julia should do.

First he had to work past that stunned glaze in her eyes.

"Well? Do you want to give it a shot past the summer?" He took her silence as permission to persuade.

"We're not doing too bad here. Why not give it a chance? We have the kids, friendship and incredible sex in common. That's more than a lot of people ever have."

"You aren't in love with me, Zach."

What was he supposed to say to that? "You aren't in love with me either, Jules. What's your point?"

"Without love, this isn't going to last. If we go beyond the summer, eventually one of us is going to break it off. Someone will get hurt, most likely the children, and the longer we're a couple, the worse it will be for them if they grow more attached to us being together."

Zach sifted through her words, searching for the best way around her defenses. Aggie nudged his hand with her nose. He reached behind him to scratch the dog's head while he strategized.

"Zach? I'm serious."

"I hear you." Even if he didn't agree. But he would wait to push it later when she didn't have that stubborn set to her jaw.

"That's it? You're okay with this?"

"I'm not happy about it, but you made your point."

She slumped back in the chair. Was that a hint of disappointment on her face or wishful thinking on his part?

Standing, Julia shifted the sleeping baby to her shoulder and tightened her robe. She stopped in front of Zach, holding her son to her like a shield between them. "Just so you know, I don't regret what we did tonight."

Before he could answer, she pressed her fingers to his lips. "But I will regret it if we weaken again without thinking it through first. We owe it to ourselves and the children to be honest with each other and hold steady to our plan. We let our hormones mess with our minds tonight. We lost our focus and that can't happen anymore."

He knew her too well to miss the ache in her eyes. Her arm cradled Patrick so protectively, but her fingers against Zach's face trembled. She was torn, and he could play on that now.

Except he would lose her trust. He needed to think beyond the moment.

Her hand fell away. He tracked her as she put Patrick in his crib. Time for a temporary retreat to rearm for the next advance.

Julia was dead wrong about losing focus on the kids.

Hell, he was a master at multitasking. He'd made a successful career of juggling fifty agendas at once.

They didn't need some fairy-tale version of love to build a relationship. Pam had vowed to heaven and back that she'd loved him even as she'd walked out the door. No way did he need any more of that in his life.

Julia's "welcome home" image had been a near replica of what he'd planned for himself all those years ago back in his father's one-bedroom trailer. He'd wanted a life and family different from the one he'd grown up with. Now that he finally had it, he wouldn't let it fall apart.

He hadn't risen through the Air Force ranks by admitting defeat at the first sign of opposition. Against what should have been insurmountable odds, he'd convinced Julia to marry him.

Now, he just had to convince her to stay.

* * *

"The weather sucks too bad for me to walk back to the house." Rain pounded the roof, slicking the lone window in the small room in back of the base recreation center. "I'll get soaked."

"I can give you a quick ride home before the break's over." Julia edged out of the way of another child lying over a ball, one who didn't seem quite so taken with the exercise.

"I want to be here when they talk about your blueprints for the new playhouse." Her eyes pleaded for forgiveness. If only she would look at her father that way.

"Okay, then." The kid really was trying, and Julia didn't want to be late for the presentation. "Thanks for realizing how important this is to me." In time for summer, she would finish her model playhouse, complete with modifications for the special needs of the children in their group.

Now they just needed a space large enough to hold it.

Eleven children and their parents filled every inch of floor in the overcrowded room, the only place available for the newly founded group led by Rena Price, a civilian counselor from Family Advocacy at the base clinic.

This meeting differed from the Down syndrome support group she attended bimonthly downtown. Rena had designed it as a catchall meeting for any base family with a special needs child. Along with laughter, tears and support, they shared information to alleviate the specific stresses families constantly on the move faced—plugging in with new doctors and facilities, not to mention the insurance nightmares. All these challenges were often met by one parent alone, given that an active-duty spouse averaged fifty percent of the year TDY.