Under the Lights (12 page)

Hearing her tell me what I already knew helped. It reassured me that it wasn't me that was unlovable, but it was my mother who just couldn't love me. I nodded, and she kissed my temple before pulling back and looking me in the eyes. “You're a special girl. One that makes me proud. Don't let life take that from you. Fight for it and prevail.”

I wasn't sure what she meant by all that, but it sounded hopeful. It sounded like she believed in me. I needed someone to. “I will, Nonna,” I promised her.

•  •  •

Later that evening as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling I realized a part of me was looking forward to going to school tomorrow. But when I tried to decipher what it was I liked
most about school, I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

The idea of seeing Gunner in the morning and our ride to school or facing Brady again and listening to him say things to me he shouldn't. Both were pathetic, and I needed to stop pretending that there could be something like that for me.

Brady and his smiles that had made my heart go silly when I was a kid still caught me somewhere in the chest. He was so good and dependable. You could trust him and know he wouldn't let you down. He also had a girlfriend he wasn't actually claiming, so that was a strike against him. I wasn't sure if what I felt in that kiss was the little girl with the crush bleeding through or something more.

Gunner was different. He frustrated me and calmed me all at once. I didn't question his motives; I understood them. He didn't go out of his way to be kind to everyone, but he also wasn't leading any girls on. He was brutally honest. When I was with him, I got comfort I hadn't experienced in a long time. Part of me actually needed him.

I'd had a chance at being a normal teen, and I'd ruined that.
Demolished
was a better word. My choices were the things nightmares were made of.

Closing my eyes, I thought of the days after that night and the times I had tried to wake myself from the living
horror I wanted to be only a nightmare. If I could just wake up and Quinn and Poppy would still be alive.

If only second chances were real. They weren't. They never would be. Not for me and not for Poppy.

My cell phone was tucked away in the antique maple dresser that sat directly across from my bed. It was there. I knew it was there. I just couldn't touch it or turn it on. My mother might have had the service turned off by now. I wasn't sure. I just knew I wouldn't use it again.

That small, flat smartphone held the memory of the last phone call I had accepted. A call from Poppy's mother. I never turned it back on again. I couldn't face the text messages or anyone else trying to call and find out details while attempting to act as if it was sympathy. That was the worst of it all. The nosy way people fished for the specifics.

Then there were the memories of the Snapchats and texts that I'd done daily with Poppy. There was too much on that phone that I couldn't see. I wondered if I'd always be this raw. Did a heart heal from something like this?

GUNNER

Like the other times I had picked up Willa, she was waiting on me out by the road so I wouldn't have to turn into her drive. I had given her space after the way she had opened up to me about her friend. I was guessing that other than her nonna no one here knew that story. Everyone here assumed her mother had sent her packing and run off with a new man, since that was once her thing.

Telling me had been a big deal for her. Just as my telling her I wasn't really a Lawton had been a huge deal for me. I'd sworn to myself to never tell anyone, but I had wanted to tell someone. I had wanted to tell Willa. It was trust. I trusted her more than anyone I realized when the words
fell from my lips. Why that was, I didn't really know. But I did.

I had placed a blueberry muffin on her seat. Not once had I forgotten to bring her whatever baked good Ms. Ames had on the kitchen table since the first day she'd ridden with me. I liked doing it for her, and I liked the way she smiled when it was there waiting on her. When she opened the door. She paused and saw it, then picked it up and flashed a smile at me.

“Thanks.”

“You're welcome.”

Also our normal morning greeting. I wanted this to become our routine. Mornings with Willa were better. I liked this. I got her alone, and we often laughed. Now we both knew the secrets we'd been trying to hide, and it felt more intimate. I'd never felt this connected to someone. From the moment I knew my life was a lie I had closed off, but Willa was reaching that part of me no one else had even tried to.

Once she was inside the truck and settled, she took a bite of her muffin and remained silent. I hadn't expected her to talk much this morning. Not after all we'd shared. I would let her have her peace and be patient. I wasn't going to allow her to pull away from me though. I needed Willa. And even if she didn't want to admit it, she needed me.

“I washed these blueberries for this muffin last night,” Willa said as she finished off the muffin and brushed the crumbs from her hands.

“Then Ms. Ames should have left you a few in the kitchen this morning.”

Willa nodded. “I completely agree. But Nonna won't bring home any food to eat that your parents paid for. Says it's stealing and the like.”

That was ridiculous. Ms. Ames brought me meals from her kitchen when my parents ran off on Sundays and when she magically knew I needed a special treat. Our food was hers. “Hate she feels that way. I don't see it that way.”

Willa shrugged. “Doesn't matter. I got the hookup with you, so it's all okay in the end.” She was teasing. Her voice wasn't as heavy as the last time we spoke. There was almost a lilt in her tone that I remembered from years ago. As if that girl wasn't completely gone after all.

“True. Guess you better keep me around. I hear tell that the big house is getting strawberry hot cakes tomorrow.”

Willa sighed. “Guess I know what I'll be washing tonight.”

Again her tone was light, and I liked it.

“Just make sure you get them real clean. Hate to eat hot cakes with dirty strawberries.”

Willa cut her eyes at me. “Don't push it. I may spit on the whole lot and not eat a one.”

This time I laughed. Loudly. And her grin grew into a full-on beam. God that was nice. Real nice.

“I'll behave,” I finally replied after my laughter eased. “You talk to Brady any this weekend?” I knew his truck had been up here briefly yesterday. This morning Ms. Ames had mentioned him stopping by and how that might be a bad idea. I should let him know Willa had healing to do right now.

I agreed with her. If Brady was coming around to be anything other than friendly, then he needed to move it right on along. The idea of that made me bitter, and I tried to bite it back. It was hard though. I had to remind myself Brady was my friend, the best one I'd had most of my life. Sure we'd changed over the years, but he was still important to me. We'd gone through a lot together, and that counted for something. I didn't want Willa to be what came between us, but then again I wasn't about to let him have her either.

“He came to see if I was okay with things yesterday.”

Her answer wasn't as detailed as I wanted it to be.

“So he apologized?” I asked, pushing for more.

She shrugged. “Mmm” was her mumbled response.
We had told each other shit we hadn't told anyone else. We should be past this erecting-walls stage now.

“What kind of answer is that? Yes, no, shut the hell up I'm not telling you?”

A small laugh escaped her, and I was glad she found it funny.

“Yes and no. I was the one who ran, and I owed him an apology for acting the way I did.” I wanted more than that. We were closer than this, and she knew it. My hands tightened on the steering wheel, and the idea that this was upsetting me so much shocked the hell out of me.

Besides, I disagreed. Brady had an easy life. The charmed sort. His parents loved each other, and his home life was secure. He hadn't dealt with family secrets or deaths. His aunt had been killed, but he'd hardly known her. Maggie coming to live with him had been the biggest drama he'd ever faced.

“But he did apologize?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yes, he just didn't need to.”

I wouldn't argue on our ride to school. That thought I'd keep to myself. Brady, however, was going to get questioned when I had him alone.

“You're not dressed in nineties clothing,” I pointed out, and she frowned like I had lost my mind.

“What?”

“It's homecoming week. Friday night is the homecoming game, and this entire week is themed. Nineties Day today, Western Day tomorrow, Pajama Day Wednesday, I forgot what Thursday is, and Friday is always School Colors Day.”

She looked at my jersey and jeans. “You're not in nineties attire either.”

“I'm on the team. I'm supposed to wear the jersey all week.”

Willa rolled her eyes. This was silly. I was not participating in any of it. I'd have been surprised if she was. If I didn't get to wear my jersey every day, I wouldn't participate in that either. Who the hell knew what nineties was supposed to look like. We were barely born in the nineties.

“All we did for homecoming at my old school was a dance after the game and a big pep rally on Friday.”

“We have those too. Except our pep rally is accompanied by a parade in the middle of town.”

She laughed. “I had forgotten about the homecoming parade. Do y'all still throw candy? I used to love for Nonna to take me for the candy.”

“Cheerleaders and band members do.”

“Do we get out of school for this?”

“Yep.”

“Sweet.”

I'd asked Serena to homecoming two weeks ago because I knew she'd be a sure thing. After our win all I'd care about was getting some. Now I was regretting that. I wanted to experience it with Willa. I could always cancel on Serena, but then she'd make Willa's life hell. Something I wasn't selfish enough to do.

WILLA

US Government was a good class to start the day with. It always felt like someone was telling me a story. No complicated math problems to figure out or Human Biology, which was the hardest elective they had available here, to concentrate on. Just a good story. If they would only let us drink coffee and eat muffins in class, then it would be the perfect beginning to the day. Unfortunately, Mr. Hawks was a stickler for no food or drinks in class. He also liked to see our hands moving and taking notes.

I didn't need notes. I was good with memory. I could listen to the story and remember all the details. Explaining that to him didn't seem like a wise idea, so I just took
notes and wished I had coffee and muffins. I also wished that I wasn't thinking about who Gunner was taking to the homecoming dance. I was sure he wouldn't go alone. Brady would be taking Ivy. I didn't have to ask to know that answer. I wasn't available to date and do things like dances anyway. I had too much to prove and too much to find a way to live with.

Caring who Gunner took wasn't healthy, and I really shouldn't have. But while Mr. Hawks discussed foreign policy and national defense, I was thinking about a silly high school homecoming dance that meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. It was just a dance. Not one I needed to attend. I hadn't gone to my junior one either. Instead I'd been . . . drunk at a party.

Shaking my head to clear that memory, I focused again on Mr. Hawks and writing down what he had just said. This was all I needed to think about. Make Nonna proud and graduate high school. Then I was going to focus on proving to my mother I wasn't a loser with no hope, while helping kids not make the mistakes I did. If I could save one life from drugs and the horror they brought, then I would. Every life I saved, I'd be doing it for Poppy . . . and Quinn.

The darkness settled in my chest again, and I felt the sick ache in my stomach as I thought of them. Quinn's
smiling face with her missing tooth. She'd just lost that front one and couldn't whistle anymore. We had laughed and laughed at her attempts. Quinn had been such a happy three-year-old girl. She had been closer to me than my own little brother, who stayed busy with after-school sports and our mother and his father. They had a family unit I was never really allowed into.

Poppy and Quinn had been my family. I swallowed against the lump forming in my throat. I couldn't break down in class. Listening closely, I wrote down every word out of Mr. Hawks's mouth. Making it a game to see if I could get it all down. That focus was the only thing that would get me through this class without crying.

“You okay?” Asa whispered, leaning over closer to me.

He had gotten into class after the bell rang, so we hadn't spoken, since Mr. Hawks had already started his lecture.

I'd completely forgotten him sitting there. I also hadn't ever gotten close enough to him at his party Saturday night to wish him a happy birthday. I would need to apologize for that. Sucking up my emotions, I managed a smile and nodded.

He didn't look convinced, and I was sure I wasn't completely masking my inner pain. Although I was trying my best. Mr. Hawks began writing our assignment on the
video screen that now replaced the white board. This way he never had to get up out of his desk. He could sit down and type everything out. Note the sarcasm in my voice. His love for honey buns in the morning meant he needed to do a little more standing up.

“I didn't see you Saturday night,” Asa said after Mr. Hawks was seated with a fresh cup of coffee and a honey bun.

“I'm sorry. You had so many people around you—then I left early. I'm not a real late-night person. I like sleep.” That was the best lie I had.