Under the Skin (21 page)

“You were right. This can’t work,” he said without looking up at his former lover as he carefully lowered himself back into the armchair. It broke his heart to say it, but he simply couldn’t ignore reality any longer. Nothing he could say, no enticement he could offer, would persuade Alexei to abandon his quest, and as long as he was part of the
vory
, they had no future. “Go back to Volkov before he decides to take his anger out on you too.”

“How badly are you hurt?” Alexei asked, ignoring everything else Patrick said as he knelt at the side of the younger man’s chair. His hands gently stroked his lover’s body, searching for injuries, his eyes never leaving Patrick’s face. “What did they do to you,
malysh
?”

Patrick hissed slightly when Alexei’s hands brushed over his ribs. “I’m fine,” he insisted, trying to ignore the way the endearment tugged at his heart. “I’ve been hurt worse on the job. It’s just a few bruises. You don’t need to worry about it. You should see the other guys,” he added, trying to lighten the mood a little. Their relationship might be over, but that didn’t mean he loved Alexei any less.

“I will see them,” Alexei promised, vowing to recreate every bruise on Patrick’s skin on the thugs’ flesh. “You should be in bed,” he added, rising to his feet and offering a hand to help Patrick stand. “Konstantin will not harm you again,” he added softly when Patrick frowned. “He will have to come through me first, I swear it.”

Patrick shook his head. “Don’t ruin everything because of me. You haven’t gotten your revenge yet.” There was no condemnation in his voice, simply acceptance. He’d spent all of the previous night after Alexei left and most of that day thinking, and he’d come to the conclusion that Alexei was right and that trying to convince him otherwise would be pure selfishness on his part. “I won’t interfere with that. I know how much it means to you.”

“You mean much to me.” The words were out before Alexei could censor them, but he would not call them back. He had lost one lover without being able to tell him what he had meant to him. He could not risk losing Patrick the same way. “Come to bed, Patya.”

Patrick’s eyes closed against the pain of hearing a hint of the emotion that yesterday would have thrilled him beyond words. Now it only increased the pain he felt. Still, he was selfish enough to want one more night with Alexei. Accepting the outstretched hand, he rose slowly and led Alexei into his bedroom. “We can’t do this again. Every time we turn to sex, it solves nothing.” He could not hide the defeat in his voice. “All we do is hurt each other more each time.”

“Has been enough hurt,” Alexei agreed, easing Patrick’s T-shirt over his head. He held his breath to keep from cursing at the livid bruises that marred the detective’s chest, resisting the urge to smooth his lips over each mark since it was clear Patrick would not welcome his attentions. His hands dropped to the waist of Patrick’s track pants, lowering them gently over the slender hips. He held out his arm for Patrick to steady himself as he stepped out of the pooled fabric, then helped support him as he slid between the sheets. “Rest,” he whispered quietly, unable to resist bending down to brush a tender kiss over the cut on his lover’s cheek before stepping away.

Patrick let Alexei undress him down to his shorts and tuck him into bed like an invalid. He stifled a sob at the loving kiss, reminding himself again how fruitless it was to hope for anything more. Carefully, he rolled to his side, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see Alexei leave him again.

Alexei’s heart knotted in his chest when Patrick closed his eyes, as if he couldn’t even bear to look at him.
What have I brought him but pain?
Alexei thought. He knew he should leave and let Patrick sleep, but he couldn’t force himself to go, returning to kneel at the side of the bed. Reaching for the hand that lay on top of the sheets, he touched his lips to the abraded knuckles. “Patya…,” he whispered, his own eyes closing on a wave of regret. “
Prosti
… forgive me for bringing you to this.”

Patrick’s eyes opened at the words, surprise showing on his face. “If anything, I brought it on myself,” he reminded Alexei, touched by the other man’s gesture and his continued presence. “I suggested we meet here, not you. I just hope I didn’t ruin everything for you. Konstantin knows about us now.”

“Is fixed,” Alexei assured him, promising himself he would do whatever it took to keep Konstantin convinced there was no cause for jealousy. “I tell him I pay you off. Now I have reason to come to see you.” Or he would, if there were any hope Patrick wanted to see him again.

“To what end?” Patrick asked hopelessly. “So we can keep tearing strips off each other like we did last night? I don’t know how much more my heart can take.”

Twining his fingers in Patrick’s clasp, Alexei brushed the soft hair away from his lover’s forehead with his other hand. “I cannot stay away,” he admitted softly. “I am not alive when my heart is here with you.”

Patrick stared at Alexei in shocked silence. He had never truly expected to hear any kind of declaration from his taciturn lover, even an oblique one. It took him a moment to absorb the words. Finally, he reached out and returned the caress Alexei had bestowed on him. Not sure what could come of it but unwilling to let his lover walk away again, he lifted the sheet slightly in invitation. “You can’t be comfortable there on the floor. Lie down with me.”

The hesitant note in Patrick’s voice reminded Alexei he was only asking for comfort, not sex—but whatever Patrick needed, Alexei would give to him. Toeing off his shoes and tossing his jacket aside, the
vor
lowered himself beside his injured lover, slowly wrapping an arm over the younger man’s chest. Despite his intentions, he could not help but remember when Patrick had come to him after he’d been shot by the Colombians. He slid back on the mattress, widening the space between them to mask the evidence of his inappropriate arousal.

Patrick moved into Alexei’s embrace, enjoying the quiet intimacy of simply being held. “So what happens now?” he asked, relaxing completely for the first time since he had felt hands grabbing him that morning.

Alexei shrugged, knowing there were no easy answers. “Whatever you want to happen,” he answered, refusing to look beyond this moment. Being able to hold Patrick in his arms again was a chance he had not dared to hope for—he would not tempt fate by asking for more.

“What I want isn’t going to happen,” Patrick said bluntly, though he didn’t pull away. “You’ll always leave and go back to the
vory
, and I won’t ask you to be less than you are. How can I when that’s what drew me to you—and back to you—in the first place?”

“You think too much,” Alexei chided with the ghost of a wry smile, his thumb rubbing the furrowed skin of his lover’s brow. “Leave tomorrow ’til tomorrow. Is only today.”

Patrick considered that statement. It certainly applied to them, but it would have been true anyway. Promises of a lifetime didn’t guarantee anything. A lifetime could be a day as easily as fifty years. He had seen that more than once when he’d worked traffic accidents. They could make the most of what time they could steal together, or they could be miserable apart. It was a compromise he wished they didn’t have to make, but it was better than nothing, better than what he’d feared he’d have. “Today,” he agreed, shifting closer to Alexei, his lips brushing the other man’s softly, a silent promise.

Slowly, carefully, Alexei drew Patrick closer, his lips parting in silent invitation to deepen the kiss. As much as he ached to feel Patrick pressed against him, he would do nothing to risk causing any further pain. His palm coasted lightly over Patrick’s back, the other hand reaching up to cup his lover’s cheek, urging him to continue.

Patrick lingered over the kiss, taking his time learning Alexei’s mouth. They’d kissed so rarely, and usually only in the heat of passion, their lips crashing together, that these lingering kisses seemed yet another new intimacy. He traced the scar on Alexei’s temple with his fingertips, wondering whether it still hurt him, although he didn’t ask, not wanting to shatter the peace that currently reigned between them. Instead, he took his lover up on his unspoken invitation, his tongue moving over the slightly parted lips, lingering on their contours rather than delving immediately inside.

The gentle, thorough exploration of his lover’s tongue probing his lips awoke a hunger Alexei believed had died over fifteen years before. Moaning softly, he moved his mouth against Patrick’s, opening wider, his head tilting to offer more access, the emotions he now believed Patrick shared freeing him to allow a measure of control he had willingly granted to no other.

The soft moan fired Patrick’s blood, and he pushed up on one elbow, ignoring the pain in his side so he could delve deeper into the hot cavity. Still keeping the kiss slow, but with ever increasing intensity, he searched out and claimed every nook and cranny of his lover’s mouth, needing this connection. His hands remained at his sides, his fear of provoking another attack of memory stronger than his desire to touch, but he knew instinctively there was nothing to fear in their kisses.

By the time Patrick released his mouth with a last gentle nip of his upper lip, Alexei was breathing harshly, his pulse pounding, his cock thick and swollen against the placket of his trousers. Lying back against the pillows, he drew Patrick’s hands to his chest, inviting him to open the buttons as he pulled off his tie and dropped it to the floor. “Touch me,
malysh,
” he murmured as slender fingers pulled the shirttails from his trousers and skated over his heated flesh.

Patrick’s fingers trembled as he did as Alexei asked, each caress followed by a pause while he searched his lover’s face constantly for any sign that he had evoked unpleasant memories. He hated the hesitancy that controlled him now, but he had hated even more seeing the look on Alexei’s face the night before. He peeled back the halves of the other man’s shirt, keeping his touch as light and loving as he could, hoping that would be enough to avoid a repeat of last night. “What does that word mean?” he asked softly, brushing his lips across Alexei’s again.

The tentative touches sparked Alexei’s desire but were not enough to satisfy the need they awakened. Flattening his palms over Patrick’s hands, he increased their pressure, guiding them to rub over his peaked nipples. “Means….” He hesitated, his voice breaking on a gasp as he maneuvered their hands to circle the hardened nubs. “Means ‘little one’…,” he answered, groaning when Patrick’s fingers moved of their own volition to tweak the sensitive points. “Baby….”

The whispered words and Alexei’s heartfelt groan encouraged Patrick to repeat the caress, pinching lightly at the peaked flesh. These were a lover’s caresses, he reminded himself, not something Alexei would have endured in prison, and that made them safe. Feeling bolder with that silent reassurance, he lowered his head and licked at them lightly, sucking first one, then the other nipple into his mouth. “
Malysh
,” he repeated, letting the word roll off his tongue. “I like it.”

“I like it too,” Alexei responded, tangling a hand into Patrick’s hair and guiding his mouth back for more of the seductive sensation. His cock was pressing so hard against his slacks it was almost painful, and he moved Patrick’s hand downward to cover the thick bulge, groaning in relief when the fingers curled around him. “
Da
,” he rasped, his hips rocking up into the touch, “
da
, Patya.”

Patrick almost balked when Alexei moved his hand lower, but his lover’s obvious pleasure overcame his qualms. He stroked the hard column through the fabric, lifting his head again to watch the older man’s face. He couldn’t do this without that reassurance. His own cock jumped at the thought of welcoming the heavy length inside him again, and he shifted restlessly, the motion suddenly aborted when his ribs protested. He cursed under his breath and collapsed back to the bed.

At Patrick’s gasp of pain, Alexei pushed onto an elbow, his eyes flying to gauge the younger man’s expression. “Too much?” he asked in concern, his body protesting the loss of Patrick’s touch but ready to stop if their lovemaking was more than the abused body could bear.

“I just moved the wrong way,” Patrick hastened to assure him, not wanting Alexei to perceive his withdrawal as a rejection. “Just give me a minute. I’ll be all right.”

The words echoed painfully in Alexei’s mind, the memory of how he had pushed Patrick away the night before shaming him. Vowing again that he would do nothing to hurt his lover, emotionally or physically, Alexei encouraged Patrick to rest on his back and carefully straddled him, taking care that none of his weight pressed against bruised flesh. The position exposed even more of his body to his lover’s reach, and he was quick to draw Patrick’s hands back to his chest, inviting them to stroke lower, following the planes of his abdomen to the waistband of his trousers.

The invitation was too clear to misunderstand, so despite his lingering concerns, Patrick let Alexei guide his hands, regretting the lost innocence of their relationship. He shook his head at the irony of that thought—there had been nothing innocent about their interactions from the moment their eyes met—but there had been a lack of inhibitions, and that was gone now, replaced by nervousness. The revelations of the day before didn’t change the way Patrick felt about Alexei—he’d already realized nothing could change his emotions except perhaps to make him love the other man even more—but they did influence the way he acted. Alexei had been hurt enough. Patrick refused to add to it.

Patrick didn’t resist the guidance of Alexei’s hands, but neither did he move beyond trailing his fingers over the lines of muscle that defined the
vor
’s hard stomach. Alexei couldn’t help but contrast this awkward tension with the near-violence of their first times together.
That
Patrick would have had Alexei’s slacks torn off and his cock halfway down his throat by now. Yet despite all the intervening pain since then, Alexei would not wish back those early days, not when he knew now how much more there was to his lover than just a delectable body—not when he was beginning to believe in what they felt for each other. Regaining the ability to feel again was worth the initial pain.