Underground Secrets (The Underground #1) (19 page)

Before, when I was with Carter, I was weak. Well,
weaker
. After Carter, I started to run once a week and hit the gym every once in a while. So I am physically stronger but not by much. I blame myself for slacking. I told myself two years ago that I would grow and become strong, but every day I slacked more and more. And now the time has come to face him and face my past and I don’t have much. I’m fucking pathetic. But I won’t let that get me down. If I go out, it sure as hell is going to be with a fight. I think I should get a gun. Actually, I
know
I should get one. But there are some things I haven’t been able to cope with from that life. So getting a gun right now is a no-go.

I used to be the bad girl who did bad things and I fought hard with myself to turn my life around. And even though I have been living a better life because of it, I think that I might have to bring the bad girl back in order to deal with what I know is coming and it scares the hell out of me.

I have also come to another conclusion. This whole thing that Wes and I had started back in Indiana starts and ends there. It has nothing to with the fact that I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. No, it has to do with my situation now. I am doing it to protect him. I know Wes is strong, not just physically but also mentally. But Carter is a psychopath and so are the rest of the men at the warehouse. Sure he has been in prison for the last two years and hell, maybe he has changed, but I doubt it. He has been conditioned to live the life he was before he went away. I am not willing to take that kind of risk. If Carter is the even remotely the same man who took so much away from me two years ago, or even the years before that when he wasn’t as bad, then if he were to ever find out about Wes, he would kill him. I have no doubt about that.

So friends are all we can be. I know I shouldn’t even do that, but I am for once, being selfish. I want him in my life. I no longer will deny that. I just hope he understands without my having to explain it to him truthfully. That is, if I ever hear from him again. If I don’t, I should think of it as a blessing, given what is going on, but at the same time, I know deep down it will sting a little.

Gemma knows that I can’t make anything more than a friendship happen with Wes now. I could see the sadness on her face when we talked about it, but she understands that I would be putting his life at risk. She knows how crazy jealous Carter is and even though we are clearly not together and haven’t been for two years, there are still the ‘what ifs’ lingering in the back my mind. What if he has changed? What if he will leave me alone? What if, now that he is out, I won’t have to race and risk my life every summer because I sent him to prison? Those are the best case ‘what ifs’ and the least likely to happen. Unless Hell, has in fact, frozen over. The ones that are more likely, are what if he comes after me? What if he hurts me? What if he finds out about Wes? What if he hurts Wes? What if he kills Wes? What if he kills me? Gemma? Any one of my family members? What if? Those ‘what ifs’ I just can’t risk. But at the same time, I will do what I need to do to prevent them, but I will not let him make me paranoid. I am going to live life as normal as possible, until I know. At least I’ll try, anyway.

It’s Sunday and Gem and I are having our usually lazy day. We didn’t go out last night. We just stayed in, talked, and watched a movie. Today, we have been doing laundry. Did some cleaning this morning and are now back on the couch with popcorn, large fountain pops and a ton of old movies to be watched. Gemma picked the movie,
Caddy Shack
and we have been watching it for an hour, when there is a knock on the door. I know that a random knock shouldn’t just scare me, but given the recent news I received, I can’t help it. I told myself I wasn’t going to be scared, to be paranoid. But fuck me if that little talk I had with myself didn’t just go out the damn window.

My heart starts to beat fast. I look at Gemma and instantly know that hers is too. Her eyes are alert and wide.
Breathe, just breathe
. I try to calm myself down, rationalize and try to think of the many other people as to who the hell would be at my door at seven o’clock on a Sunday evening.

Carter.

That is all I am thinking about. I close my eyes and take a few deep breathes, and I will myself to get up. I am shaking, and beyond terrified as to who, or what, will be at the door. Another knock comes and I jump.
Jesus Marlie, pull yourself together. It could be anyone. Just breathe.
Gemma is right behind me and I can feel her breathing like she is hyperventilating.

“Go into your room,” I whisper to her.

She closes her eyes now, trying to calm herself. When she opens them, she appears to be better.

“No. I am okay,” she whispers back.

I nod at her answer. I am not going to stand and argue with her right now. I move to the kitchen and grab a knife from one of the drawers, then I creep to the door with Gemma right behind me. I wish we had a peephole so I could see who the hell it is. Why don’t I have a peep hole? Of all things! I make a quick mental note to install a new door; one with a peephole and new locks for it too.
I unlock the door and reach for the handle and curse my palms for being sweaty as shit right now, because my grip is weak.

“Ready?” I whisper to Gemma with the knife in my right hand, placed behind my back.

Unable to speak, she nods.

I turn the handle and pull the door open ready to attack if need be. I don’t see Carter, I see Wes. He is standing in front of me looking like hell. His hand is wrapped, he has stitches above his right brow, left cheek, and on his bottom lip. What the hell happened to him? All of my fears come to mind with one look at him. Did Carter find him and do this? No. I don’t think so. He probably wouldn’t be standing here then. I just stand at my door looking at him, unable to speak.

He comes in close and grabs the side of my face and stares me in the eyes. His look burning me to my core, “My god, Marlie, are you okay? You look shaken up.”

Stepping back, I realize his touch has calmed the anxiety created by the idea it may have been Carter at the door. “Me? You are the one who I should be asking that to.”

He steps farther in the apartment, forcing me take some steps back to allow him in and he shuts the door. I watch him as he slowly moves to sit on the couch. It’s such a struggle, I can barely watch.

“Yeah, I am fine. Mostly. I was in a car accident.”

I set the knife down and in an instant, I am next him. That would certainly explain why he hasn’t called me back. I don’t know why, but for some reason I don’t quite believe it. When he said ‘car accident’ his eyes said something else. But then again, his whole body looks completely wrecked and I am probably still paranoid with thoughts of Carter, so I let it go.

I place my hand on his thigh, “Oh my god, Wes, I wish I would have known. I am so sorry.”

He laughs a little and brings his hand back to the side of my face and caresses it. “Don’t be Marlie. I am okay. A little sore, but I will be fine. Nothing that won’t heal. And it’s not like it’s your fault. Dumbass ran a red light and drove right into the driver’s side.”

“I know, but I just… I… just… wow. I am glad you are okay.” I lean in to hug him and his body goes stiff.

“Ouch,” he winces.

I pull back. “Sorry.”

He chuckles again. “It’s fine, Marlie”.

He looks away and appears to be thinking something over. He looks up at Gemma and then to me, “Want to tell me why you had a knife in your hand and why you and Gemma look scared out of your minds when you opened up the door?”

Fuck. What the hell am I going to tell him? That anxiety that I had before I knew it was Wes at the door, yeah, it’s back now.
Think Marlie, think
.

“Oh, um… because we were watching a scary movie?” Shit. Why did I just pose that a question? Because I am a dumbass, that’s why.

He smirks and without looking, he picks up the DVD case and points it at the TV. “Cady Shack? That’s what scares you tough girl? Why do I find that hard to believe?” He shakes his head and sets it back down on the coffee table.

Well, isn’t he observant? How am I going to skirt around this? I begin to speak when a throat is cleared from behind me and I remember Gemma is still here. We both turn to look at her and she waves at us. Clearly she doesn’t know what to say either, but she wanted to stop his questions.

Good friend.

“Hey Wes, sorry about your car wreck. I am glad you’re alright. Marlie was losing her shit,” Her eyes go wide for a moment knowing instantly she shouldn’t have said that, but she quickly recovers and gives him a Gemma Watt smile.

“Thanks, Gemma. It’s been a rough week.” He says it casually, but something dark flickers through his eyes when he says it. Something else is going on, I can sense it.

“I bet it has,” she turns into the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water from the fridge. “I am going to go to my room and make some calls. I’ll catch you later, Wes.”

“Yep. See ya,” he smiles at her and then turns his attention back to me.

I look at Gem as she starts to walk to her room. She gives me sad look as she passes by heading down the hall; she knows what I am about to do. I am about to put Wes back into the friend zone, and it sucks. I don’t really know what to call what we are, but after that kiss, he was definitely not in the friend zone anymore.

I get up and walk towards the fridge. “Want something to drink? I have plenty of options.” I grab a tumbler and some whiskey from the cupboards, because I need something strong to ease my nerves. I feel like a fucking tweaker with how jumpy, nervous, and paranoid I have become in the last ten minutes.

He ignores my question. “So you were ‘losing your shit’ huh?”

“Gemma is delirious. I’ve been cool as a cucumber all week.”

“I see. So you haven’t wondered why I haven’t called?”

“No. I didn’t say that. I just didn’t freak out. I was… curious. That’s all.”

“I think you’re bullshitting.”

“And I think you should drop it.” Of course I was freaking out all week. Like, what the hell? But I will not admit that. Damn Gemma and her big mouth. Now I know the reason he hadn’t called. At least the reason he gave me.

He laughs, but doesn’t say another word. I watch him out of the corner of my eye as I am making our drinks and see him trying to turn to get himself more comfortable, but winces with every move. Now I feel bad because I am about to knock him down when he already is. I have a moment of weakness and reconsider telling him that we can only be friends, but I’ll only be putting it off and I don’t want to do that. I can’t. It’ll be only making things worse and by now I can tell he is the kind of guy who wants things given to him straight.

“Here.” I hand him a glass and I sit down next to him. This time not as close, still close, but not as.

He takes it and thanks me. I think and try to figure out the words I need to say to him. I didn’t practice a speech or anything, so I am just going to wing it. I take a long drink and set the glass of whiskey courage on the table next to the couch. I look up into his beautiful green eyes and lose my words. His eyes are like emeralds and they capture me every time I even so much as glance at them. I can get lost just looking at them.

He takes a sip and sets his glass down as well.

“Marlie,” he says it so gentle and quietly, that I can’t help but let a small moan escape. Just hearing him let my name slip from his lips like that sends an involuntary shiver throughout my body. I have heard my name come out of people’s mouths before, but when Wes says it, it rolls right off his tongue, pouring lust into each letter of my name. I watch a lustful glow come over his face and before I know it, he grabs my chin and pulls me in for a kiss. Letting the moment capture me, I don’t resist. I give into him. It’s a heated, passionate kiss and I want more. He moves my hair off to the side and wraps his hand around the back of my neck and deepens our kiss. I grab at his shoulders and dig my nails in, wanting to rip him apart with the need that I have for him at this moment. He moves to lay me back and I close my eyes. But the moment I close my eyes Carter’s image flashes behind the thin lids, letting reality kick in.

What the hell am I doing? I pull back and jump up off the couch leaving Wes looking confused. “I’m sorry, I can’t. We can’t.” I look down at my feet not wanting to look him in face and see his reaction.

“Why? I thought we were passed the hesitation?” he leans back and I look up. He stares at me with frustration written all over his face. Which is exactly how I feel. Damn it.

I take a deep breath, looking back down at my feet and let the words fall out of my mouth. “We have to remain friends, Wes. I am sorry, but I can’t let anything more than a friendship happen between us.”

“Sorry? I can’t believe this.” He gets up slowly and moves behind the couch. “I know you don’t just want to be friends. That kind of kiss doesn’t happen when you want to be friends, Marlie. I don’t know what I need to do to convince you to just let this happen,” he moves to stand in front of me and places his good hand to my face. I nuzzle it, closing my eyes and wishing I could be what he wants. “Tell me, what do I need to do?” he slowly runs his finger from the nape of my neck to my chin. He lifts my chin to get me to look at him, “because I sure as hell don’t want to be just your friend, Marlie. I am not sure what, but a friendship isn’t something I want with you. Not anymore.”

God, this fucking sucks. I move my chin out of his grasp. “You don’t get it. I can’t be anything more than a friend to you, Wes! Whether I want to or not. I told you, I have secrets. I have a fucked up past and I can’t…” I trail off before I say anything more. I can’t say anything more to him.

He lifts his hand and puts it behind his neck. Something I have noticed he does when he is aggravated. “I don’t care about any of that shit. So tell me, what’s changed? What has changed since that first kiss when you said you wanted to take things slow? Am I moving too fast for you? Is it because I haven’t spoken to you in a week? Tell me! What is it?”