Underneath (25 page)

‘Fighting over a teacher they reckon. I’ve never taken to her, seems like she thinks she’s better than everyone, swanning about in that vintage shit. Her poor husband and little Joe, he’s so sweet.’

‘Well just shows you don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. Who’d have thought it of Lauren, I thought she was a good one....’

I recognise Tanya’s voice coming out from under an umbrella. I turn left and shortcut through the nursery school. We’re not supposed to go this way unless we have nursery kids, but I need to escape the narrow minds and prying eyes.

The window is open when I get home, which indicates that Niall is up and about. Honestly it’s like living in a fridge when he’s around. It’s quite cold, yet he has all the windows and the back door open. I usually hate it because once I’m cold it takes hours for me to warm up. Today it will make no difference; I’m numb on the inside anyway. I walk into the room and see Niall fixing his breakfast.

‘Joe went off fine.’

‘Why wouldn’t he?’ Niall says, his expression pinched.

‘I’m just telling you. How long are you going to be like this? Can’t I try and explain?’

‘When I’m ready, Lauren. I’ve enough on my mind sorting out all the insurance and other finances, so don’t pressure me right now.’

At no time during this conversation does he ever look up at me.

He points back into the living room. ‘Your phone’s on the side. The police just dropped it off, said there’s nothing further they can do. No evidence of anything. The phone used was a pre-paid, they obviously knew what they were doing.’ He goes back to buttering toast and I go into the room and pick up my phone.

I can’t face putting it on. I’ll sort out a new one today with a new number. I get Niall’s laptop and look at my emails. I see one from eBay customer services and click on it.

"Thank you for your email regarding the negative feedback on your account. Whilst we investigate the matter we have set up a temporary limit on your account of three items per week. This will be in place for the next three months whilst we monitor your account for suspicious activity. Please be aware that this limit is provided for your safety and security online."

Three items a week for three months? My business is over. Not that I think I’d have the confidence to sell much again after this. I’ve lost almost everything. The person texting was right, my dignity is shredded, my personal life is a shambles, my business is over and the cars need insurance work. The only things I have left are Joe and Monique, and hopefully in time Niall will come around. The doorbell rings and I rise to answer it.

‘Delivery for Mrs Lauren Lawler.’

I look at the black chrysanthemum wreath being delivered to my door by the local florist.

‘There must be some mistake.’

‘Are you Lauren Lawler?’

‘Yes, but ...’

‘Then it’s for you.’ He taps his pen on his clipboard. ‘Are you going to sign for it, or shall I take it back?’

I sign for it and take it back in the house to look at the card. I remove it slowly from the envelope, nervous that it’s going to contain poison or something. There’s just a plain card and on it is written ‘deepest sympathies on the loss of your best friend’. My heart lurches and I feel I need to rush to Monique to warn her, but I remember she’s at work. I rush to Niall and show him instead.

‘Leave it on the window ledge, I’ll show it to the police later. Maybe they can trace who made the order.’ He heads through the house towards the hallway. ‘I’m going for a drive, Lauren. I need to clear my head.’

He leaves me standing there.

I hear him removing just delivered post from the letterbox and opening an envelope. I go through to see if there’s anything for me. Niall has gone deathly white, as if he’s in great pain. I’m worried for his health.

‘Niall, are you okay? Does your chest hurt?’

He thrusts a photograph at me. It shows myself and Seb on Friday evening. Though our kiss was captured through the living room window, it’s perfectly clear what we were doing. I open my mouth to explain but before I can utter a word, Niall beats me to it.

‘I will collect Joe from school tonight. Right now, I don’t want to see your face or hear any more of your lies. Get the fuck out of this house,’ he spits. ‘Be gone before I get back or I swear to God I will throw you out myself.’ He slams the door and is gone.

I collapse to the floor, all my strength is gone. I am no longer real, just a speck where there once was life.

I don’t know how long I lay there for – catatonic – before I feel like I’m looking down on myself and seeing the pathetic wreck that is laid there. I’m transported back to my childhood, when my father could make me feel this way by the sound of his shouting voice, or the crack of his hand; or by my mother’s endless words about my uselessness. I sit up in shock. I will
not
go there again. I am Lauren
Lawler
now. I have left my previous persona behind.

I get up and pace around the living room. What shall I do? I realise I want my friend. I want to tell Monique everything; she’ll know what to do. I know she’ll let me stay over, that will give Niall time to calm down. I go and pack a bag of things I need and then drag out an empty suitcase from the garage. Monique won’t be back until around half five. I decide not to ring but to surprise her instead. We can have a fun girly evening and right now I decide I’ll go around the charity shops again to try and replace more of my wardrobe. I can also get a new phone. It’s a positive thing to do and the thought of it propels me into action. I drag myself into the shower and put on some clean clothes. Before I head out of the door, I write Niall a note telling him where I’ll be and that I’ll text him my new number. I check that my address book with everyone’s telephone numbers is in my bag, and catch sight of my black nails, now the only reminder of my previous mood.

After getting a new phone, I go around the charity shops. It’s a perfect shopping day and there seems to be lots of lovely items in my size. I get some Per Una jeans, a Diesel shirt, and several pairs of casual trousers. I buy so much I have to go back to the car mid-trip to drop it off so I can start again. I open the suitcase and place the new items inside, then zip it up.

Before round two I decide to hit my favourite cafe for a cup of life juice aka coffee. My favourite sofa is available and I feel buoyed that the shopping has gone so well. I feel it a sign that my brown couch is free to comfort me. I look at my new phone. It needs charging before I can put the numbers in, so I’ll have to do that at Monique’s. I sit back and look around. There’s a new piece of art on the wall, a kind of tribal mask, carved out of wood. It has a sign under it ‘protector of the innocent’ and a price tag of a hundred and twenty pounds. It’s by a local artist. Is it total coincidence that not only do I love it, but that it appears meant for me? We can’t really afford it, but I reason the insurance will come through at some point, my jewellery was worth a decent amount of money. I flag down the waitress and buy it. I head back to the car a second time and place it in the boot.

I spend the rest of the afternoon in the shops buying more items, getting a thrill out of each purchase. I add shoes and bags to the pile. I don’t need them but each one gives me happiness. At five I decide to head to the local pizza restaurant to pick up a takeaway for myself and Monique. While I am waiting I watch a family of four eating their meals. They are all so happy, and this is communicated without words. A wipe of one son’s mouth; a mother pouring some of her coke into the other son’s glass. She and her husband looking at the kids subconsciously and smiling at each other. Their happiness shines out of them like the winter sun, and just like that, it hurts my eyes. I look down at my bags and realise that apart from the things I need, the rest of it won’t make me happy. Once again I’m protecting myself with materialistic things that will only provide happiness for brief moments. It can’t compare to the love I have for my family. I feel I’ve made the right decision to stay at Monique’s tonight, and then tomorrow I’ll go home and stand in Niall’s way and protest until he listens. I will fight for my family, they are my life. I take the pizza and go and get the car, putting the purchases in the boot and the pizza on the seat at the side of me.

I pull up to Monique’s and press the buzzer. She comes through on the intercom. ‘Yeah?’

‘It’s me. I need a place to stay tonight. I brought pizza.’

There’s a moment of silence and she buzzes me through. I walk to her door and I’m surprised to see a guy there. He’s tall and good looking, with dark, mussed hair and a flush to his cheeks.

‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I never thought you might have company.’ I cover my mouth with my hands. Once again I’ve assumed that everyone is there to look after me. ‘Sorry, I’ll leave and call you later.’

‘Matty’s just going. Don’t worry about it.’

I hold up the box. ‘Sure you don’t want to share pizza?’

‘No I’m okay,’ he says, and winks at Monique. ‘I’ve had my fill.’

She rolls her eyes at him and I feel my own face flush. I’m guessing this is Dr Love and look at his ID card hanging from his waistband. He sees me and quickly whips it off. ‘Gosh, I’ll be losing that if I’m not careful. She didn’t give me chance to organise myself, that insatiable friend of yours.’ He bounds off saying he’ll catch us later and I step into the apartment.

‘Well, you were right. He is damn hot,’ I say, and place the pizza box on the side in the kitchen. I decide I’ll not share my woes with Mon and will enjoy a girly night instead. For once I’m not going to be selfish. I’ve already maybe spoilt her planned evening.

‘He is all that, which is why even though I’d ditched him, he’s found his way back into my bed.’ She grins. ‘Anyway, to what do I owe this honour?’

‘You’ve been a great friend and I want to spoil you. I’ve bought a couple of DVDs this afternoon,’ I get them out of my bag. ‘Pick one and we’ll have a cinema night.’

She looks at me like she wants to ask me something, but chews on her lip and walks into the kitchen instead to get plates. No eating straight from the box for Monique.

We have a great evening and I feel able to distance myself from what is happening at home. In my mind I’m on a mini-break, with no focus other than Monique, fashion and fun.

After the film ends Monique stands up. ‘I’ll go and fix up the spare room quickly. I wasn’t expecting you.’

‘Sorry, I really should have called.’

‘Well I would appreciate a call in future, but I forgive you this time. It’s been a great night.’

I watch some trash on the TV. I hear Monique banging around putting stuff away and dragging out the sofa bed. She returns. ‘It’s ready when you are, but leave your clothes and stuff you don’t need out here as all the drawers are full. You’ll be fine if you stick to the area around the bed, but I don’t want you tripping up.’

‘No problems, I’ll be careful.’

We settle down to watch Big Brother as I haven’t seen it for a few days. At eleven I decide to turn in, I don’t want to keep Monique up as she’s back at work in the morning. I want to get back to see Niall as soon as I can.

I go into her spare room. It’s covered in clothes; they are draped all over the surfaces. She’s much worse than I am at buying clothes, shoes and bags. I remember I need to charge my new phone, creep back into the living room and get it. I can hear Monique brushing her teeth. I return to my room and look for a suitable socket. As I place the phone on the dressing table I see one of her jewellery holders, one of those that are shaped like a lady’s body and a teacup necklace catches my eye. It’s just like mine. I feel another pang at its loss. I sit back on the bed thinking about the coincidence. We share the same tastes and have often bought the same thing. I wonder if Monique would let me buy it off her.

I settle under the duvet and think about how embarrassed I felt when I first turned up. A few minutes earlier and I would have interrupted her and Matty ‘at it’. I really must learn to think of others more. Another resolution going forward. I know it’s early days and he’s a lot younger than Mon, but there was a great spark between them, and I hope he’ll be able to break through her barriers. Finally, Dr Love has a name, Dr Matty Bailey. I frown, the name sounds familiar, but I can’t place where from. Then it comes to me. My eyes open wide and I shoot up in bed. The bloke who crashed into Niall’s car – he was called Dr Matthias Bailey. A wave of unease comes over me as I think of this next coincidence. I sit in the dark with my heart beating fast for a long time, until I’m sure that Monique must be asleep. I tiptoe to the bathroom and on my return listen at her door. I can hear the sounds of her snoring, something we’ve laughed at in the past and now I’m glad of the clear sign of sleep. Back in my room I switch the small lamp on and systematically go through all her drawers and cupboards. I find nothing. I’m about to dismiss my suspicions as stupid when I remember something she said to me when I told her about the break in, that she hoped they didn’t come after my shoes and bags. I never mentioned they had been left, so how would she know? A feeling of nausea begins to accompany my rapid heartbeat. I resolve to carry on looking. After about ten minutes I’m about to give up when I spy a vintage style vanity case at the back of a wardrobe. I bought it for her the first Christmas after we met. I open it up and inside find more of my missing jewellery and some photos. One of the photos is the one of Seb leaving my house. My hand shakes as I look through the pile of photos I am clutching. There are a couple of Bettina from what must be a few years ago as she looks younger. As I get to the bottom I find a well-thumbed photo of Monique gazing lovingly up at a man. The man is Danny Southwell.