Unforgettable (4 page)

“Then why are you here?” she demanded.

Fuck. Why was I here?
I wasn’t wearing a shirt and I fit right in. “Uh…”

She moved around me again, trying to get away from me as quickly as possible.

“Livia, it’s not how it looks.”

“Leave me alone.” She moved down the hallway toward the other end of the house.

The music was too loud and I was sick of screaming over the bass to be heard. I had to rely on sight more than sound to communicate. I grabbed her arm then yanked her into an unlocked room. It was a closet. It was a tight fit but I dragged her inside and shut the door. The music was muffled.

I could hear myself think again.

“What the hell are you doing?” she snapped.

“I just want to talk to you without having to scream.”

“And I don’t want to talk to you at all.” She moved for the door but I held her back.

“I’m not hooking up with anyone, Livia. I haven’t been with anyone but you.”
Uh, I guess that wasn’t totally true…
But I kicked Amanda out and nothing else happened. That wasn’t important right now. “You think I would beat the shit out of some guy if I wasn’t still hooked on you? Do you think I would be this miserable if I weren’t still hung up on you?”

“Then why are you at a fraternity party—
this fraternity party
.”

Now I understood why she was upset. She associated this place with scumbags. I’m pretty sure she experienced her trauma in this very building. Anytime she was inside of it, she went haywire. She was sporadic and emotional. She wasn’t herself.

I didn’t know how to answer her question. I didn’t want to tell her the truth. That would just make it worse. “I can’t tell you.”

“What? You can’t tell me?” I could barely see her face in the darkness but I could imagine how it looked.

“I know that sounds weird, but if you have any trust for me at all—at all—then please just take my word for it. I’ve never lied to you or misled you. It’s not in my nature. Please just trust me on this.”

“You realize how weird that sounds?”

“I know. I promise I’ll tell you one day.”

She was quiet for a while. All I could hear was her breathing.

“My feelings for you are exactly as they’ve always been. I’m lost without you…” This isn’t how I expected his conversation to happen, not in a small closet at a party. “I find it hard to believe that you don’t feel what I feel. Tears immediately fell from your eyes when you thought I was sleeping around again. If you don’t want me and you want our relationship to be over, then why would you care?”

Her eyes closed and she kept her thoughts to herself.

“Livia, what’s the real reason? Why are you pushing me away?”

“I just…can’t be with you.”

I was getting sick of this same vague excuse. “Can you give me something better than that?”

She closed her eyes again.

“Livia, why are you hurting me like this?”

“I don’t want to…I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“The right thing?” Was she crazy? “How can keeping us apart be the right thing? I’m miserable and you’re miserable. Let’s just go back to what we once were. I’m angry by this entire ordeal, but I’ll let it go and start new with you. Because I love you…”

She took a deep breath then opened her eyes.

“Livia, come on…”

“Can I think about it?”

My patience was disappearing. “What is there to think about?”

She opened the door then stepped out.

I followed her but didn’t drag her back inside. Her amateur behavior and childish games were getting on my nerves. I wanted to yell at her again but I held it back. All it would do is push her further away.

She finally found Ash. He was talking to a blonde, a very familiar blonde.

Amanda was chatting with him, wearing a pink bikini that was as bright as a bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Livia grabbed Ash by the arm. “Why do you call me to get you and make me drag you out? This is the last time, Ash.”

“Geez, calm down.” He yanked his arm away.

Amanda turned her gaze on me. “Coming back for another round?” The irritation was in her eyes. She glanced at Livia then back at me. The threat was clear on her face.

I needed to get out of this situation. “Ash, let’s go.”

“What is she talking about?” Livia asked.

“I’m referring to last week.” She put her hands on her hips. “When Scotty and I hooked up at a bar and went back to his place.”

I was going to strangle this bitch.

Livia’s face contorted in pain. Her breathing went haywire and she looked like she lost the world. She wouldn’t look at me, staring at the ground.

“What?” Ash asked, clearly confused.

Livia stormed off, abandoning her brother.

Fuck.

I chased after her.

Ash grabbed me by the arm. “You cheated on my sister?” The rage was in his eyes.

“No. We were broken up.” I yanked my arm back. “And I didn’t do anything anyway.” I chased after Livia, following her until she ran out of the house. She was running across the lawn, heading for her car. “Livia!”

She ran faster.

I sprinted after her, catching up to her within seconds. I grabbed her arm and made her halt in her tracks. She tried to twist away but I wouldn’t let her go. I tightened my hold on her, forcing her to face me.

“Let go of me!” She screamed then tried to pull away.

“Listen to me!”

She got free then backed away, a frightened look on her face. “Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.” She stumbled to the ground, cowering. The panic was in her eyes. “Stop.”

I didn’t move. “Livia, I’m not going to hurt you.”

She pulled her knees to her chest and breathed hard.

Fuck. Sometimes I forgot she was a rape victim.

I lowered myself to the grass and sat down, not touching her. “I would never make you do anything you were uncomfortable with. Please trust me.”

Her breathing suddenly stopped. The serious look in her eyes was unreadable. “What…?”

“I’m not going to force you to do anything.”

She moved back to her feet, stepping away.

“Livia, let me explain what happened with Amanda.”

“I think it was pretty clear,” she said viciously.

“I didn’t have sex with her. I didn’t even kiss her.”

“I’m sure.” The sarcasm was heavy.

“Why would I lie to you?”

“Because you just did a few minutes ago,” she snapped. “You told me I was the only one. You lied to my face. Just because we were in the dark doesn’t make it okay.” She shook her head slightly, the sadness in her eyes. “You know what? We were broken up so it’s really none of my business…I don’t need the details. They don’t matter anyway. You don’t matter…”

How could she say that to me?
I was at this stupid party because I was trying to rip apart the man who did this to her, that made her into this fearful and scared person. Every time I thought about it, it made me want to cry. How could she think any girl would mean anything to me? It was like our relationship never happened.

I stepped back then ran my hand through my hair. “I give up, Livia.”

She watched me, her eyes guarded.

“You’ve never trusted me. If you did, you would tell me what you’re hiding. You would tell me who you saw at this party last month. You would tell me why you cower away from me like I might hurt you. You would know nothing happened with that girl, at least something serious.

“You’re not the only one with problems. I have my baggage too. My parents died. They died, Livia. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t give my mom a kiss on the cheek before I left for school that morning. I had every day to tell them how much I loved them, but I took them for granted. The moment you came into my life I promised myself I wouldn’t make that mistake again. So, when I held you in my arms, feeling my heart bleed for you, I said what I was feeling. That I loved you more than anything else in this fucking world.

“I never let anyone in because I’m too scared to lose them. You don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you love. You don’t have a damn clue how shitty it feels. But I risked it with you because I couldn’t resist you. I was patient with you, taking things as slow as you needed. I respected you and loved your soul as much as your face. But I lost you too. You’re gone.”

Livia took a deep breath then tears streamed down her face. She sniffed then wiped them away. “Scotty…”

I held up my hand. “I’m done.” Despite how much it hurt, I turned around and walked away. I already gave this girl everything and I couldn’t give her any more. I wanted to help her, to be what she needed, but if she wouldn’t let me in then that would never happen.

And I couldn’t torture myself a second longer.

CHAPTER FOUR

Livia

“You guys broke up?” Ash asked from across the table.

It was Saturday morning. I finally got Ash home then he passed out on my couch.

“Yeah…”

“When?”

“About a month ago.”

“Why?” he demanded. “I thought you guys were happy?”

“We were…”

“Then what happened? When I talked to Scotty, he said he was in love with you.”

I took a deep breath when I heard his words. They stung painfully. I hated the way I left things with Scotty last time I saw him. His words broke my heart. I knew I was hurting him, making him suffer. I hated myself for it. “I broke up with him.”

“Why?” He cocked an eyebrow.

“It just wasn’t working out…”

“But…you spent every waking hour with him. Weren’t you sleeping together?”

This was awkward. “We would sleep together…not have sex.”

He seemed even more confused. “You dated him for almost three months and never put out?”

I didn’t answer him.

“Wow. I couldn’t wait three months for anyone.”

But Scotty was different.

“What’s wrong with him, Livia? He seemed like a good guy.”

“It just wasn’t right, okay?” I snapped.

He studied my face. “There’s something you aren’t telling me.”

When did he become so inquisitive?
“It’s my personal life, not yours.”

“And I didn’t think you’d have another personal life again. Now tell me.”

“It’s nothing…”

“Livia.” His voice sliced through the air. “I’m sick of seeing you mop around over something I have no knowledge of. You were finally happy when Scotty was around. What possible reason could you fathom to justify this? Livia, just be happy. Whatever he did, work on it.”

“He didn’t do anything.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“I’m done talking about this.”

Ash turned red in the face. “I don’t know what the hell is up your ass. If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, then fine. Do whatever the hell you want. I’m sick of trying to help you. You know why I always call you to pick me up?”

I didn’t have a clue.

“Because I hope that you’ll stick around and have a good time. Believe me, I can get a ride home from someone else. I only do it for you. And if I didn’t call you, you would never leave this fucking house.” He walked over to my easel and knocked it over. “Sitting in the dark with your paint brushes isn’t living, Livia. It’s barely existing. Now go talk to Scotty before it’s too late. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a catch. Don’t let some other girl end up with him.”

My brother never blew up at me like that.

He stared me down. “I hate seeing you like this. Just tell me what the hell happened to you. Tell me.”

I averted my gaze.

He gripped the chair tightly then released it. “Fine. Throw your life away. Whatever.” He marched to the door but stopped and turned around. “Mom and Dad are right. Your life is a series of bad decisions.” He gave me a venomous glare. “And choosing not to live is the biggest one.” He walked out and slammed the door behind him, making the walls shake.

As the week passed, I felt myself fall apart. Now I didn’t even feel safe in my own home. My thoughts suffocated me. My longing for Scotty ripped me apart. All of this was my fault.

I deserved this agony.

But Scotty didn’t.

I couldn’t count the number of times I woke up in the morning and vowed my life would be different. Starting today, it would be different. I would talk to my old friends and apologize for disappearing. I would get my old life back. I would smile again, go for a jog around the block, have a beer at a party, and just fuck up like a normal college student.

But it never happened.

I reverted to my old ways, keeping all the curtains and blinds closed. When people spoke to me on campus, I ignored them and walked away. I avoided group work because I hated people.

They were all disgusting.

I considered taking my own life…more than once.

Ash was right. I wasn’t living. I was a waste of space. But I was too much of a coward to claim my life. Any time I thought about it, it made me sick.

When Scotty came around, those thoughts dulled. I was happy. I laughed. I actually laughed.

But now he was gone.

Scotty ignored me like he usually did in psychology. That wasn’t surprising, but it hurt anyway. I spent most of my time in the library, sitting in the corner, hiding from the world like always. In the back of my mind, I hoped Scotty would talk to me again. He never did.

When I was walking to my car, I saw two people I recognized.

Liam and Keira were standing near the driver’s door. Liam seemed indifferent, but his fiancé seemed pissed. She stared at me like she might rip me in half. She was my height and my size, but I had a feeling she could kick my ass. I wasn’t as weak as I made myself out to be, but she clearly had the rage going for her.

Liam put his hand on her arm. “Keira…”

She twisted her arm out of his grasp then marched to me. “Nobody fucks with my cousin and gets away with it.” She was so angry split flew out of her mouth. “Do you get off playing with him?”

Was that a serious question?

“How dare you hurt him like this, constantly playing games with him? Are you an idiot? I promise you’ll never find a better guy than him.” She gave me an angry look. “And you definitely won’t find someone to put up with your bullshit. He’s done everything for you, giving you everything he’s had, and you just walk away?”

I was speechless.

“Do me a favor. If you don’t want him, don’t you dare call him for anything. If some lunatic comes after you, that’s a job for the police, not my cousin. Don’t ask to stay at his place, you insensitive bitch.”

“Keira.” Liam grabbed her shoulder.

“No.” She moved out of his hold. “And for the record, he was drunk when he ran into Amanda at the bar. She picked up on him, and depressed as hell over you, he agreed. But when they got to his place, nothing happened. She went down on him for a second then he kicked her out—because of you. And how dare you accuse him of being a liar. That’s you, not him.” She finally turned around and walked back to Liam. “Let’s get out of here. I never want to see this girl again.”

Liam stayed behind while she walked away. Then he looked at me. “Just leave him alone, okay?” His voice was gentle, not threatening like Keira’s was. “I hoped you would tell him the real reason why you left him, but I guess you never will.” He had a knowing look in his eyes. “Take care.” He walked away, leaving me alone.

Somehow, I felt a million times worse.

Another week without Scotty was killing me. Memories of our time together came back to me. I remembered the smell of the breeze on our date at the zoo. My sheets still had his faint scent. No matter how many times I washed it the smell wouldn’t disappear. I saw his face everywhere. The clouds of the sky somehow formed his face. Whenever I had a paintbrush in my hand, I drew his face. My artistic inspiration was ruined by his absence.

I couldn’t take this anymore.

Maybe I should just tell him the truth….

But he would be disgusted with me.

He would despise me.

He wouldn’t look at me the same way.

But at least he wouldn’t be in pain anymore. He wouldn’t want me anymore. The problem would be fixed. His heart wouldn’t ache like mine did. He would be able to walk away without any regrets. I could take all the pain, sparing him. Since he was such an incredible guy, he deserved it.

But now I had to tell him…and I really didn’t want to.

I tried to brainstorm what I should say. How should I say it? I hadn’t told anyone what happened on that night six months ago. Not a single soul. Scotty would be the first.

What if he told everyone? What if rumors went around? I would be the poor girl that no one wanted. Everyone would look at me like something was wrong with  me. They would judge me. They would think I was weak. They would think I was gross.

But he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would do that, even after everything I did to him.

With a heavy heart, I left my cave and headed to his place.

His truck was in the driveway so I knew he was home. It took me a half an hour to walk from my car to his doorstep. Then I stood there, shifting my weight back and forth, not sure what to do with myself. My hands shook. My heart worked in overdrive. When I felt lightheaded, I closed my eyes and tried to stay calm.

I stood there for twenty minutes before I finally raised my fist to his door. I took a deep breath then knocked.

Oh god. This was really happening.

I heard his footsteps against the hardwood floor.

He was coming.

Shit, he was coming.

He opened the door then stared at me. His face was unreadable. His jaw was tense, and his eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them. I felt like he loathed me, hated looking at me. He kept one hand on the door while he looked at me. He didn’t speak. His chin was darker than it used to be, like he hadn’t shaved in several days. His normally green eyes were almost brown.

“Hi…”

He clenched his jaw.

“I…I wanted to talk to you.”

Nothing. He didn’t say a damn word.

God, he really did hate me.

He was as still as a statue. He didn’t even blink.

Just do it. Just get it over with
. “I wanted to tell you the real reason why I ended…us.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You were nothing but wonderful to me and you earned the right to know.”

His body tensed visibly.

“I…” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force it out of my mouth. The acid burned in my throat just thinking about it. I remembered the way I was held down, the way I was bruised. It made me want to cry, to fall apart and never pick myself up again. How could anyone want me after what happened? I was disgusted with myself. Tears seeped from my eyes and started to fall.

Scotty didn’t comfort me. He just waited, staring me down like I was an opponent in the ring.

“I knew you wouldn’t want me anymore…so I just ended the relationship instead of putting you in an awkward situation. I thought I was doing the right thing, putting you first. I’m just sorry I let it drag on for so long.”

“That didn’t explain anything.” His voice was harsh. The anger seeped through.

I was avoiding the actual words as long as I could. When I said it out loud, it would make it real. It would make it permanent. I couldn’t just put it in the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. Someone else would know, making it immortal. I lost sight of why I was doing this, but I knew he deserved the truth. “I….I was raped.”

I took a deep breath, feeling my warm tears fall down my face. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him look at me. Any love he had for me would disappear, fading so much that it was never there to begin with. Our relationship was already done, but now the memory was ruined. Everything changed.

I wanted to fall to my knees and disappear, becoming part of the trees and the grass. What I wanted more than anything was to disappear, to stop living, to stop thinking. I just wanted peace in my heart. But that’s something I would never have.

Two hands grabbed my wrists then gently pulled them down, making me expose my face. I kept my eyes closed, using my last line of defense against his piercing gaze.

“Livia.” His voice was gentle.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I wasn’t thinking. You were just so wonderful to me and I felt safe…I didn’t want to lose you. I was so selfish. This is all my fault. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Livia.”

I still didn’t open my eyes.

“Look at me.”

“I can’t…you see me differently now. I don’t want to see the disgust on your face. I’m already ashamed.”

The firmness was in his voice. “Look at me.”

I took a deep breath then opened my eyes. My tears blurred my vision but I could still see. His eyes were green, vibrant and strong. The sadness was in the lines of his face. His lips were pressed together tightly. He moved his hands to my cheeks, cradling my face. “I love you, Livia.”

My lung gasped for air. “What…?”

“I love you,” he repeated. “Together or apart, that will never change.”

I remembered the words he texted me weeks ago.

“You know what I see when I look at you? I see the most amazing girl in the world. She has a heart of gold, the fingertips of a master painter, the lips of an angel, and the soul of an exceptional woman. She’s strong even if she doesn’t realize it. She’s beautiful, funny, and wonderful. She’s my best friend, the person I tell everything to. She hates gorillas but loves every other deadly creature in the world. She’s an enigma, a paradox. I can never tell what she’s thinking but I like to guess. She’s the only woman I love, the only person I’ve ever shared my soul with. And that’s exactly what I thought before.”