Uninvolved (38 page)

Once all of her clothes were put away and the bags of clothes she was getting rid of were in her trunk
,
she ran a bath. As she eased herself into the hot water
,
Becka relaxed. She could do th
is
.
She
could get over
Nate
. Becka
did not need another guy
this time
t
o help her do it either
.
All
she needed to do was stay busy. That shouldn’t be a problem
,
she figured
.
Given
it was the end of year
,
she would be busy at work
,
and the fact that her trip was coming up
,
Becka would be busy outside of work getting ready for it.

Once she was
back in Virginia
,
she would be rushing to see everyone she could so staying busy shouldn’t be a problem then either.
When she got
back from her trip
,
there'd be at least a day of laundry to get through and then New Year's. Maybe she and Dave could throw a party
.
That
would keep her b
usy. She could invite Lucy and C
urt and Crystal and maybe some other people from work
,
and Dave could invite some of his friends
.
Hopefully
not Kyle. That would be too awkward.
Becka's game plan was to avoid
the opposite sex all together.

Being with Kyle and flirting with Ian had cemented only how not
Nate
they were. This had only made Becka think about
Nate
even more.
The hot water of the bath felt amazing
.
Once
all of her muscles felt like jelly
,
Becka made herself get out before she fell asleep in there. The good thing about cleaning nonstop that day was Becka had no trouble falling asleep.

Chapter 19

Becka dressed with care
on
Monday
.
There
was always a chance she may run into
Nate
. There was no way she would let him see how hurt she was. Becka wore her pale yellow dress with
a
black and white striped cardigan and black pumps. She curled her hair and spent far too much time on her makeup. Seeing the time on her alarm clock
,
she raced out the door. Somehow
,
she managed to
still
get to work on time.

As her computer was starting up
,
Becka made herself a cup of cocoa.
Some guy from another department tried to talk to her while she was in the break room. Beck
a nodded politely and smiled but
hurried back to her desk. Becka was absolutely done with boys for the near future. That guy was lucky she didn’t hiss at him considering how annoyed she was at his gender.

The only part of her week that sucked was the thought with each notification of an email or a text that it might be
Nate
, only for it to not be.
Becka did her best to stay busy, but it seemed like every time her thoughts weren’t completely focused on something
,
she would think about him.
She could not help but wonder in those moments if he thought of her as well.

Becka had stopped going out with Dave and her friends. She just did not want to deal with speaking to members of the opposite sex. Dave was highly annoyed when he pointed out that he was
,
in fact, a member of the opposite sex
,
and Becka argued that he did not count.
Dave warned her that if she didn’t change her attitude by the time she got back to Arizona
,
he was staging an intervention, starting
on
New Year's.

Becka
then
wished she
had
never even brought up the idea of hosting
a
New Year's
party
. Dave, Crystal and Lucy had
taken
to it with such excitement that she could not back out now. Worst case
,
she could always barricade herself in her bedroom
, especially seeing
as
how
Dave and Crystal were planning on finding her a new guy.

Crystal had been somewhat seeing that guy Mitch
,
who apparently had tons of hot single friends. Crystal would not
,
however
,
confirm if any of them were employed. Lucy loved the idea because she and Curt had broken up
,
and she was currently looking for a replacement.
Becka felt like an awful friend
b
e
cause
she hadn’t even known that had happened. It didn’t stop her from being annoyed at them all
.
Couldn’t
they all understand that all Becka wanted was
Nate
?

After her cleaning spree
,
Becka felt hollow, as though a strong wind could knock her down.
In the days immediately following her ultimatum
,
Becka thought about
Nate
constantly, often times dissolving into tears.
When people spoke to her
,
it took her a moment
to realize it
,
and she would look at them blankly
,
wondering why they bothered. Some days
,
Becka tortured herself by watching romantic comedies, feeling intense jealousy towards the main character when she lived happily ever after. Most days
,
Becka just felt unsettled
.
Part
of her held out hope that
Nate
would come around while another part of her bemoaned her choice in ending things with him.

Her friends were impatient with her, trying to get her to do things that in the past would have worked.
Becka's old habit would be to distract herself with a new guy. Knowing how well that worked the last time
,
Becka was qui
tting boys cold turkey. Instead of trying to push her into going out on his nights off
,
Dave would stay in and watch movies or play video games with her.
At work
,
Becka considered exploring the other departments that worked on her floor to find out where
Nate
's desk was. Her last shred of dignity kept her from doing that.

Only this time it was different because this time it wasn’t just some guy
.
I
t was
Nate
.
By the time Becka ran out of things to clean
,
she felt tense all over again.
On one of Dave's nights off
,
he challenged Becka to a game of Battle Shots. It was similar to Battleship but
involved
shots of whatever they had in the house versus plastic ships. Dave had an uncanny ability when it came to locating B
ecka's shots. Becka enjoyed having
a few drinks out with her friends,
but
she
ended up
drinking
at
least double the amount she normally
had
.

Becka was pretty drunk and not a happy drunk. She was angry, finally acknowledging the fury
Nate
's actions
built in her. This emotion was more liberating then her previous devastation at the thought of
why doesn’t he like me?
This new emotion was more of a
how dar
e
he not like me?
Had Becka not deleted
Nate
's contact information from her phone
,
he would have received a slew of angry text messages from her. Dave egged her on, getting her to yell at him as though he were
Nate
until her voice was sore.

Before she went to bed
,
Dave prepped her room for potential overnight sickness. Becka came very close to needing the waste basket multiple times that evening.
The next morning
,
Becka felt as though she had been licking sandpaper most of the night. Her tongue felt too big for her mouth and her stomach queasy at best. Walking caused jointed pounding in her head. Becka somehow made it to her bathr
oom to drink some water and take
some Advil befor
e laying back down. When she wo
k
e
the next time
,
her stomach was feeling less queasy and more angry. Hobbling to the bathroom
,
Becka
swore
to herself she would never drink that much again.

After spending most
of the day in various stages of distress
,
Becka felt exhausted, albeit human
,
in the early evening. Dave
,
the victor of Battle Shots
,
was no worse for wear and getting ready for work. All Becka wanted to do was nibble on some crackers and
then take
a bath.
After her bath
,
Becka pulled down
her suitcases from a h
igh shelf
in her closet. Becka's eyes fell on
Nate
's beer bottle. She shook her head at the attachment she had formed to something so silly.

Willing herself to let him go
,
she pulled the bottle down from the shelf and went to throw it in the recycling bin
in the garage
. Becka may have cradled it close to her heart as she slowly made her way to the bin. She may have also hesitated, bottle dangling from her fingertips
,
before she released it. Not trusting herself to not go back and retrieve it, Becka gave the bin a good shake, causing the contents to
loudly
shuffle
,
and her prized keepsake
became
unrecognizable in the sea of identical bottles. Becka would have liked to have experienced a
feeling of
weight lifting off of her shoulders or a
liberation of her heart. Instead
,
she wanted to cry all over again
.
The
difference
this
time was that she didn’t.

Walking back in the house
,
Becka pulled down her luggage and began to pack for her trip. The weather in Virginia would be significantly colder than
in
Phoenix. There probably wouldn’t be any snow
.
It
normally only snowed in January or February. In either case
,
her Phoenix weather winter coat was laughable compared to what would work back home. Becka packed light layers and hoped that if the weather was really bad her mother might have a coat that wouldn’t embarrass her to wear.

Becka spent much of her time reflecting on the choices that she had made to get to where she was. Professionally
,
she was happier than she had ever been. She had thought she loved her mindless filing job but knew now, even when it was busy o
r
she felt overwhelmed
, that
her new job was fulfilling something in her that she had not known was missing. Instead of talking to Lilly about boys
,
she would tell her something new that she had learned that day. Personally
,
Becka still had a
long
way to go. She wanted to not need a guy to be happy
,
and she still felt this
gnawing guilt in what had happened with Kyle.

She called Kyle and asked if he would meet her for drink. She didn’t even know if he would respond, but he did and agreed. They met at the coffee house she had fled to
that
one night. It was strange seeing him again. She just felt like she had to make amends somehow. Kyle was aloof and quiet
, but he
eventually just told her that
,
while what she did sucked and hurt him
,
he was doing his best to move on and forgave her. Whether he was just saying it to be nice or not
,
it felt like a weight lifted off of Becka's conscience. They even shared an awkward hug when he left.