Universal Alien (12 page)

“R
AJNISH SINGH,”
Richard said. “He prefers to be called Raj.”

“Why are you introducing me to Kitty?” Singh asked.

“Bizarro World,” Crawford said.

Singh's eyes narrowed, he cocked his head a bit to the right, stared at me, then nodded. “Okay, how did it happen?”

“Wow, does everyone here read the comics?”

“Many of us did before we knew you, or rather, your counterpart,” James said with a grin, “but everyone else has been forced to in order to keep up. It does make some things easier. Raj, this falls under the highest need-to-know orders and that means no one outside of this room needs to know.”

Singh nodded. “That makes sense. Embassy personnel will figure it out, though.”

“Not if we do our jobs right,” Crawford said.

“Look, the biggest issue that we're all sort of stepping around is that this Kitty thinks she's married to me, not Jeff.” Charles rubbed the back of his neck. “We're already dealing with rumors of our ‘affair.' Kitty acting like she doesn't want Jeff touching her is only going to fuel that.”

“What, you want me to commit adultery just to make it easier with the press?”

“No,” Mom said quickly. “But you do have to pretend to be in love with Jeff.”

“You two are big on the public displays of affection,” Lorraine said. “So, you'd better get used to hanging onto him and kissing him, at the least.”

“I haven't kissed another man since Charles and I got married.” A horrible thought occurred. “What if she doesn't realize she's in Bizarro World? What if she's sleeping with my husband?” All the old fears—that Charles was cheating on me whenever he went away on trips and I couldn't reach him—surfaced. What if he'd figured it out and wanted to sleep with a different and, apparently, far cooler version of me?

“Technically, it would be you doing it,” James said.

“The hell it is.”

“Look,” Christopher snapped, “this isn't a game. We're in the midst of a huge political situation. Worry about your sex life later.”

One of the military guys nodded. “Jerry Tucker. I'm your favorite flyboy, just so you know. And, Christopher's right—who's zooming who isn't important. Making sure America and Australia remain friends and ensuring that the A-Cs in other countries aren't rounded up and shipped to America is vital.”

“The precedent for that kind of thing isn't good,” Claudia said.

“The Holocaust. And all other forms of ethnic cleansing. Yeah, I know history. At least mine.”

“It's the same here,” Singh said. “And that means that, yes, you're going to have to do uncomfortable things for the good of your country and your people. In your case, for the good of both your countries, and people you don't realize are yours.”

“But, you know, no pressure.”

Crawford grinned. “You sound like our Kitty, so that's a huge start.”

“We need to get her back to the Embassy,” Serene said. “We need to stop having clandestine meetings in the middle of Walter Reed. I'd prefer to take her to the Science Center, by the way, but I'm not sure if that won't cause more problems.”

Charles shook his head. “Actually, that will solve most of them. We tell the press that she's really hurt her head and being taking back to Centaurion Division for medical care. No one will question it, other than the staff here, since a bruised forehead isn't all that big a deal.”

“Nice to know you care. I have whiplash, too, I'm pretty sure. And if we weren't anti-drug I'd down a couple of Valium if I could get my hands on them.”

Charles gave me a funny look. “I do care, Kitty. But I can't care like you want.”

“Why not?”

Charles looked lost. “Because . . .”

“He married my sister,” Paul said, as he put his arm around Charles' shoulders. “She was . . . murdered by our enemies. They'd only been married six months.”

Charles had said something about this earlier, but it hadn't really registered until now because I'd been panicking and thought he was being flippant toward me for some reason.

“You married someone else?” Tried not to sound hurt or heartbroken. Failed, based on most of the expressions in the room, Charles' in particular. He looked like he'd been punched in the gut, repeatedly.

“He did,” Martini said gently, as he came over and took my hand. “So did you. Here. It took him a long time, but he'd finally moved on. I'll explain it all later, when we debrief you. You're going to have to accept that things are different here, but I promise I won't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

“Okay. I guess.” It wasn't, but there was nothing I could do about the situation right now. Besides, Charles looked ready to break down, and I had a feeling both Paul and Martini had realized this. Before I had. Time to pull up the Big Girl Panties and deal. “So, now what?”

“Now,” Martini said, “we take a gate to the Science Center, Raj and Angela cover the press and join us later, and we figure out how to fix everything—our problems and yours, too.”

“Promises, promises.”

Martini chuckled, then James made a call. There was a weird shimmering in the air again, and everyone in suits began stepping through it and then disappearing.

“This is how you guys appeared out of nowhere, isn't it?”

“Yes,” Martini confirmed. “You normally get nauseated by the transfer and I, ah, carry you through. You say it makes you feel better. The other Kitty you, I mean.”

“Yeah, I figured that out. Um . . .” Looked at Charles.

Who looked uncomfortable. “Jeff, I'll go through before you. Kitty, really, if I'm essentially the same man in your world, I'll understand.”

“The hell you will, Mister Jealous.”

Everyone else started laughing. Martini looked embarrassed and Charles looked like someone had just discovered some deep, dark secret.

“So, you really do like just one type,” Lorraine said as she stopped laughing. She was about the only one. “Amy was right.”

“Amy who?”

“Amy Gaultier, now Gaultier-White,” Claudia replied, still giggling. “One of your besties from high school, now married to Christopher.”

“Speaking of whom,” Christopher snapped. He didn't appear to have a sense of humor he was aware of. “We'll have to brief her. She'll know this isn't our Kitty right away.” As he said this, a different part of the air shimmered and a tall, willowy redhead appeared out of nowhere.

“What are you talking about, Christopher? Kitty, are you okay?” she asked, looking and sounding worried.

My fists clenched. “Just what the hell are you doing here, you bitch?”

The laughter in the room ceased immediately. “What?” Christopher asked. “Kitty, what the hell?”

I was too angry to speak. What the hell was Amy doing in this life, intertwined with it, apparently? Martini held me back from attacking her, which I'd kick him in the shins for later.

Amy gaped at me. “Kitty? What do you mean? And why are you calling me a bitch?”

“You know why,” I managed to growl out.

“This isn't actually our Kitty, this is the Kitty from Bizarro World,” Crawford said to Amy. He gave her a fast update while I contemplated if I could pound her face in before they all pulled me off of her or not. Sadly, had to bet on not.

“Got it,” Amy said when Crawford was done. “Glad we've all learned to be instantly adaptable to whatever weird gets tossed at us.”

“Some adaptation isn't going to happen,” I snarled under my breath.

“Kitty, why are you mad at me?” Amy asked. As if she didn't know.

I could see the wheels in Charles' head turning. “Oh. You and I got married in Vegas, right?” I nodded. “And I'll bet you called Amy to ask her to come out to be in our wedding.” Nodded again. “And she was likely . . . less than complimentary about your choice of a husband.”

“That's a polite way of putting it.”

Amy had the grace to look guilty and embarrassed. “Yeah, I probably wouldn't have been . . . supportive at that time, if what Tim just told me is true.”

“It's true,” James confirmed.

“You said Charles was a loser and that you hoped I was marrying him because he now had money,” I confirmed through gritted teeth. “I verified that you weren't joking and you verified a lot more nasty things about Charles, and me, for loving him. We haven't spoken since, and I intend to keep it that way. Keep this heinous bitch away from me because I will beat the ever-living crap out of her if she comes near me.”

“N
OT
AN OPTION,”
Mom said. “And you're going to get over it, all of it, right now.” Mom had her No Nonsense Voice going strong. “I don't care what relationship you and Amy do or don't have in your world. In this one, you're best friends and you will act like such for the foreseeable future. Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes.” My fists were still clenched. So were my teeth.

“Kitty, I'm sorry. For the me in the other world, your world, I mean. I'm sure that she did say terrible things. I've said them about Chuck for years, even after I discovered aliens were on the planet. But . . . Chuck and I are friends now. I've realized what you saw all those years ago—he's really the smartest guy in any room and he's not Conspiracy Chuck so much as totally in the know. This change in my attitude was made a lot easier since he's literally never wrong and I've seen that proved over and over again.”

“I was wrong about where Hoffa's buried,” Charles said calmly, as he gave Amy a smile I could honestly say was fond.

“Really? Where is Hoffa buried, then? You have a theory in my world—”

“
If
we could get back to what matters,” Mom snapped. “Amy's apologized. Kitty?”

“Oh my God, really? I'm not a teenager anymore.”

Mom gave me the Hairy Eyeball Look, crossed her arms over her chest, and tapped her fingers. Based on this posture, I was one word away from being grounded.

I caved. “Apology accepted. If this world's Charles has forgiven you, and only if.”

He nodded. “I have. We're all dealing with things so much more important than how I was treated in high school, that it's relatively easy to get past.”

Martini snorted. “Yeah, right. They've come to an accord in the recent term, baby, but before then, believe me, I have no issues believing that the Amy in your world hated the Chuck in that world and had no problem telling you so. And the dislike was definitely mutual. They get along now mostly because of you.”

“You mean my Cosmic Alternate, but fine. Politics makes strange bedfellows and all that.”

“And we're in a political situation,” James said. “So let's get going. Amy, you'll get fully briefed along with Kitty. There was no way she wasn't going to have to know anyway, so all of you who are glaring at me and Tim for ‘telling the secret' can just cool your jets.”

“We already have too many in the know,” Mom said, but she sounded resigned, not really mad. “Stop gleefully adding in more.”

James shrugged and shot Mom the cover boy smile. “We'll handle it, Angela. We always do. And we'll get your Kitty back, too. I promise.”

Mom nodded and I felt a lump in my throat. She wanted me to leave. Guess I couldn't blame her—I wasn't really her daughter. Martini squeezed my hand.

“That's good, but remember—they're both my Kitty,” Mom said. “Don't think I'm willing to lose one over the other. Just call me an overprotective mother bear. In any and all universes.”

Martini let go of me and I went to Mom and hugged her. “Thank you.”

She hugged me back, her breath-taking bear hug. “It'll all work out, kitten. You focus on getting up to speed on the kind of things you do in this universe, and I'll keep the wolves at bay as long as I can.” She let me go and jerked her head at the others. “Get moving. Raj, you're with me. Everyone else, get to Dulce and get everyone's stories straight. Pronto.”

Those still in the room nodded and started through the shimmering air. They faded slowly into nothingness, which was kind of fascinating and icky at the same time.

“Are they being diced up or something?”

“No,” Martini said. “The gates don't work that way.”

Christopher sighed. “Stop coddling her. We didn't coddle our Kitty and she more than managed. They work via the same method the Operations Team—which we'll explain to you later—uses to get us whatever we need pretty much before we need it. A subatomic, spatio-temporal warp process, filtered through black hole technology causing a space-time shift with both a controlled event horizon and ergosphere that allows safe transference of any and all materials. All gates also use a form of harmonic frequency. Floater gates, such as the one we're about to go through, require more intense harmonic frequencies in order to exist and hold. This is why all gates have to be calibrated before anyone or anything goes through them. There's more to it, but that's the gist.”

“Interesting.” Everyone stared at me. “What?”

“We're not used to you grasping the scientific stuff so . . . quickly,” Claudia said.

“In other words, you all think I'm an idiot. Got it.”

“No,” Charles said. “You haven't had to hide how smart you are in the world you come from, because you're married to me. But in this world, you carried on your use of, ah, protective coloration, and it's second nature to you now.” He grinned. “It works well for you and allows you to make logical leaps that others miss, so it's a good thing.”

“Oh. I have to be a ditz again? Fantastic.”

“Not a ditz. Just be yourself, Kitty. From what I can tell, you're still the you I know here, just with some different life experiences.” Charles looked sad for a moment, then he nodded to Martini and walked through the shimmering.

“No one here thinks you're stupid,” Martini said as the others followed Charles. “Like Tim said, you've been the Head of Airborne for Centaurion Division, the Co- and then Head Ambassador for our principality, and now you're the wife of the Vice President. And in all that time, you've saved the day, and all of us, over and over again.”

The room was empty other than Singh, Mom, me, and Martini. Mom nodded to us. “We're going to go stress out the Secret Service and hospital staff. Don't dally.” She and Singh left, closing the door firmly behind them.

“Why would we dally?”

“Ah . . .” Martini looked embarrassed. “We tend to, ah . . . make out. Sometimes. Before we go through a gate.”

Examined his expression. “You mean we make out every time.”

He shrugged and grinned. “I can't say I've ever thought it was a bad thing.”

I laughed. “I'll bet.” Considered what everyone had been telling me and I leaned up and kissed his cheek. He seemed shocked, but in a good way. “That'll have to do for now. But it's probably bad luck if I don't kiss you in some way.”

He hugged me. “I'm willing to be superstitious.” With that, Martini swung me up into his arms and walked us through the shimmering. And I was instantly reminded that I'd hit my head.

The nausea hit, hard and fast, and—married to other people or whatever we were or not—I buried my face in his neck. It helped a bit, and him tightening his hold on me helped more.

Thankfully, it was over fast. Martini put me down gently and rubbed the back of my neck. “It'll pass, baby, I promise. And yes, I'm calling you ‘baby' because I always do and you're going to have to get used to that.”

“Charles calls me ‘baby,' too.”

“Glad both versions of you like that.”

“Yeah.” Looked around. “Where in the world are we?” We were in what seemed like a huge cavern loaded with more computers, desks and screens than I'd ever seen, even in the movies. There were tons of people bustling about and most of them were women who were all, regardless of age, as hot as Lorraine, Claudia, and Serene. Meaning I'd landed in the Land of the Beauty Queens. Hoped the rest of them were as nice as the three I'd met so far appeared to be, but I didn't count on it.

“This is the Dulce Science Center for Extra-Terrestrial Studies. Our main science, research, and medical facility. We're in New Mexico now, by the way.”

“This looks like the biggest version of the Bat Cave ever. Though I imagine it's a highlight of the UFO Tour or something.”

Martini laughed. “Oh, in some ways, this isn't going to be as hard as everyone fears.”