Unmarked: Sean's Story (Chosen #4) (14 page)

Chapter Twenty-Three

Aoife

The dinner out with Lizzie and Nick was a disaster. It made both me and Sean ruminate about what we were doing about our time together in America. I loved him. I would always love him. I didn’t know how to handle these feelings for a guy when I knew that at the end of my time here, I wouldn’t ever see him again. I couldn’t ever see him again.

I had responsibilities back home and they called to me every day. I
had
to be selfless. I had to be the one that is thinking about other people and as much as I wanted it to be my Sean in Boston, it just couldn’t be. My family in Ireland had been my life for so many years that it was ingrained in blood. I couldn’t think about other people because I must make sure that my family is taken care of and I couldn’t do that by staying here. Maybe that was wrong of me – leading Sean along like this but he knew that I wouldn’t stay.

He thought I wouldn’t. He didn’t know that I actually
couldn’t.

If there was a way that he could come home with me and it would still be okay, I would do it in a heartbeat but Sean doesn't want my life back home. He has The Ink Shop here and although Lizzie doesn't really like me very much, he has good friends. Nothing is tying him down. Nothing is keeping him from moving on and doing more with his future. If I was in his life after this summer, I would bring him down. My family is such a disaster.

Sean has asked me many times why my scars are only on my chest and my back and my stomach and I didn’t tell him. Da said that I must look like I am unmarked to the world. I must look like I am beautiful to the world. I must look like I have my life all put together; everything is good, solid and beautiful.

Ironically, that's why I loved Sean so much. He was aware of the ugly that lies underneath my clothes
–
clothes that I use more for protection than for fashion. Sean doesn't know that the lies are the secrets that live deep underneath my skin. If I told him everything about my life back in Ireland, that would be total exposure. I would be exposing everything and I would ruin how he views me. I won’t back down.  I would go to any lengths to make sure that my family is happy and well cared for.

That is all Sean needs to know. He doesn't need to know everything about me. He could go back to living his normal life after these few weeks with me. When I go back to Ireland I will be back to being the head of my family and that is my obligation. I am not unmarked.  I have more tattoos, albeit from abuse, than Sean does. No matter how many marks I accumulate, one thing will always remain steady in my life. My number one priority will always be my love for my man.
Sean should always know that he lives deep inside my heart forever. That was why I needed to let him go.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Sean

Every week we went to Kenpo. Three times a week, we made it part of our life. It was our thing. Like some couples bowl or go for wine tasting? We went to a class to learn how to kick the shit out of people. Aoife got bad ass. She was really talented in adjusting her weight. We practiced at our place, at my place up in Newburyport, and even at the park when we took walks to get food or just because we couldn’t fuck each other to death every day. Well, we tried to.

One Thursday night, we were headed out for class and my cell rang. I didn’t go to grab it but instead took the house keys out of Aoife’s hands and started for the door. As I pulled it open, my phone rang again, and we both looked back at it. Two calls in a row warranted a look – at the very least.

Lizzie’s face and name took up the phone’s screen and I heard Aoife say something about something being obvious under her breath. I made a quick text and told Lizzie I would call her later.

She called again.

“Listen, we are going to be late.” Aoife’s arms were crossed over her chest and I nodded in agreement. We were consistent about Kenpo. We were always early and even stayed after so we could do a little one on one with each other if we were paired with others during the class.

“Maybe something is wrong with one of the kids, though,” I worried out loud, looking at the phone with a bothered look.

“Yeah, you’re right. Pick up the call.” Her body relaxed at her resolved agreement that it could be Niall or Sammy.

“Lizzie, what’s up?” I answered immediately and briskly.

“Oh, God, Sean. Nick and I just had the worst argument ever. He left. He just said he needed some space to think and I am so scared. We have been fighting so much and I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh shit. I am sorry to hear that,” I said as I looked up at Aoife and shook my head no. This wasn’t life threatening. Life changing maybe but so was Kenpo for Aoife. By the looks of it, she was ready to throw a fit so we could get going.

“Here. Let me call you back, okay? We were right in the middle of something but I will call you back, okay?” I begged Lizzie.

“Please come over, Sean. I need my friend. I need my best friend.”

I agreed with something and clicked off the phone.

“So?” Aoife asked. “What is happening?”

I looked up to her and tried to think of a way to make both girls have me. It was impossible and the quiet became too long for Aoife.

“I have to go meet Lizzie,” I finally confessed. “Nick and Lizzie are having problems. She asked me to talk to her as a friend. She needs a friend.”

Aoife crossed her arms even more across her chest in a protective stance. She wasn’t going to let me in at all. Was this it? I wouldn’t choose between a few weeks with the love of my life and a lifetime of friendship. They both needed to fucking chill.

“So then you aren’t coming to karate then?”

I shook my head as I grabbed my Ford baseball hat and started to head out the door.

“I will drop you at Maverick’s and then be back to pick you up.” I said firmly as I pushed by her.

“Don’t bother, Sean.” It was a cold backlash and honestly, I didn’t know she had it in her.

“Don’t do this, Aoife. It is one class. One night. You can throw me down afterwards and teach me what I missed.” I tried to poke a little at her in fun to get her to chill. She wasn’t having any of that.

“I mean, you can go to her. You can even drop me off because I will be late if I walk but don’t bother coming back.” I think I heard her gasp after she had said that
–
like maybe she hadn’t wanted to and it slipped out, like most of her other thoughts about me.

I stopped walking. My breathing stopped as I tried to repeat what she said to me in my head over and over again. I turned around slowly and for the first time, I didn’t look at her with love or anything. I was stone. Stone Sean looked like a metal head, fucking bad ass that no one fucked with. She saw my look and cowered a little. I may have been scaring her but what the hell was she saying?

“You prefer that I go home after I visit my friend? You don’t want me to come home to you, my girlfriend, because another person needs me to talk tonight?” I said succinctly and with raw anger.

She shook her head and kept walking to the truck. “No. This class is just as important. We have a few weeks left. That’s it. Nothing more. We both know it, so go to Lizzie. You two can wallow in pity about how fucking tough life is. But no, I don’t want you to come back. You choose her? Then deal with your choice.”

I knew we were both under stress because of the impending doom of our relationship but for her to cut it off now was fucking ridiculous. I blew out a breath and dragged my palms down my face.

I didn’t need this shit.

“Fine. I will swing back and grab my shit before I head out,” I said coldly. She wanted me out? She didn’t want to let me in? She didn’t even want me to visit her in Ireland? I wasn’t going to be that guy who begs. No way. I was a successful business owner and I had enough faith in myself that I was doing the right thing by being a friend tonight.

When I dropped her at Mavericks, she went for the door.

“Aoife. Aren’t you going to say goodbye?” I looked at her with a blank face. What game was she playing because it was obviously hurting her more than me. Fear was the root of all games. She didn’t think she was good enough. I had tried to show her so many times and in so many ways but you can’t make someone believe something that they don’t want to. I felt really sad.

She shook her head and I saw her face split into a contorted look of pain. It looked like a soundless sob. I had felt that once. I held my breath because it was stuck at the back of my mouth and I tried to get the pain out with the expression.  It was the day I found out my dad died. It hurt. It was pure, raw pain. I tried to grab for her so she would just let it out, but she gasped for air and jumped out of the car before I heard the first sob come from her.

I watched her go into the school and immediately go to the right where the bathrooms were. If I chased after her now, it would create a scene. This unusual relationship was so terribly screwed already that I didn’t think it even mattered if I did.

Driving towards Lizzie’s, I pushed return call and got her on the first ring. She told me to come up and everyone knew that I was on my way. She was bawling, too. What kind of advice did I have for a couple that had been married for years? I couldn’t even keep a woman for a few months and I would swim the Atlantic Ocean to be with her.

I found Lizzie on the couch with a roll of toilet paper on her lap.
She looked miserable but attempted a small smile as I walked in. I felt for her, I really did. Relationships were tough but I guess this was the first time I realized that even Nick and Lizzie weren’t diamonds – all sparkly and shiny all the time.

“Where are the kids?” I asked, looking around the penthouse. I had never seen their place so quiet.

“Niall went to the movies and Sammy is doing a sleepover with my parents tonight,” she answered numbly. She wasn’t crying in the moment but looked like she was just back from a complete mental breakdown.

“So what’s happening?” I asked as I plopped myself on the coffee table across from her. I let out a big exhale. This was a shitty night and I was ready to commiserate.

She looked up into my eyes and smiled. That gorgeous Lizzie smile that always made my heart beat a little faster. It used to make me want to grab her in my arms and kiss her until she fell in love with me, too. But not tonight. I didn’t feel anything except pissed that I couldn’t make everyone happy. I gave her a quick smile and nodded for her to talk.

“Nick is always working, you know,” she said and the crying started up again. “I mean, we started the company and I loved it for a while but we haven’t had time to really enjoy one another. He is gone like three weeks out of the month and I get so fucking lonely.”

“Where did he go tonight?” I asked, pulling off my cap, scratching my head, and placing it back on.

“Studio, probably,” she cried. “But like I called you and you came right over. Why can’t he just take an extra week off to be with our family? To be with me? I am his wife!”

“Well, maybe he really likes work.” I had no fucking clue. I had taken a week off of work for Aoife no problem and thought about doing it again before she dumped me tonight.

“Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with you? You are the perfect guy.” Her whine told me that she was trying to make a joke about it and even though she didn’t know, she had epically failed. That shit was not funny.

All air, breath, and thought stood still and I couldn’t even comprehend the words that had just spilled from this woman’s mouth. I had loved this woman with every inch of my being and had waited so fucking long for her to realize what she had just said in jest. She said it out of frivolousness and I think that was what killed me the most.

I stared at her long and hard. I saw the imperfections of her character. The world was falling
–
no it was fucking crashing down
–
all around our friendship and she had no friggin’ clue. I was ready to explode and I didn’t know how to let it out. Laugh? Scream? Cry?

I panicked. I got pissed. I was hurt and I wanted revenge. I wanted to throttle her. I wanted to hug her. I wanted to slap the bitch. I wanted to cry. She had taken all of those years of pushing back my own selfish thoughts and frivolously thrown them into my face, as if they meant nothing.

It was apparent from her sheepish smile and the small twitching of her lip that Lizzie wanted a laugh out of me. She wanted me to say,
“Nah, I am a dick, Lizzie and we are just friends. You know that! Nick is the one that loves you with everything he is.”

She didn’t get either answer. She got me looking down at my hands and not knowing how the hell to answer the question.

So I took the bait. I made the plunge. I had nothing and no one to lose at this point. I threw out all my poker chips on one really crappy hand. I flushed my dignity down the toilet.

“I was in love with you, Lizzie O’Malley,” I said it so quietly, I was unsure if she even heard me. I waited to see if my confession had changed anything. I waited for long seconds with my head down and my eyes captivated by a piece of lint on the plush carpet. Then it happened.

I saw her legs jerk and I looked up to find her wide-eyed and obviously full of questions that I would never be able to answer. How does one pack nearly twelve years of thoughts, dreams, and some pretty raunchy sexual visions into one conversation? She searched my face as if she was looking for me to punk her or yell “just joshin’ ya!”

“Why?” she choked out as she grabbed her chest. I watched the telltale blotching start to creep up her neck. She was uncomfortable, very aroused, or just plain embarrassed. I prayed that she wasn’t the latter.

I threw my arms out to the side and baffled, I answered her with a question. “How could I not fall in love with you?”

The enormous ball of regret took over my complete body. Oh and fuck me, it was heavy. My head hurt. I was a bonfire of regret. It had been so simple to say the words, to put myself out there, and yet I never did.  I had wasted so much time waiting for her. I had spent so much time worrying about when Aoife was going to leave. I lived in my head of broken dreams and unattainable hopes.