Unmistakable (14 page)

During times when I think I’ve made up my mind, but actually not, is when I need God the most. The problem is, He doesn’t really speak loud enough for me to understand, and I don’t do silence. I can’t understand silence. He gives me a free will to do whatever I choose, but wanting me to choose the right way…the right path. What if both paths are good? Which one do I choose?

Speaking of choosing, I remember the text message, it says to wait for further instructions and if I don’t follow what they want me to do, they’ll kill Trish first and leave Cody last. When I saw both of their pictures on my phone, I wanted to cry…I wanted to tell someone…anyone…but I couldn’t. If whoever sent me that message wants to get my attention, boy, they’ve got it now.

After the most beautiful, emotional, unforgiving, powerful love making between Roxy and me, I feel empty. The knowledge she’s hiding something from me eats at me like a fucking locust. It destroys everything in its path, leaving nothing, but ashes in its wake; and I have a feeling my heart will be just that…nothing, but ashes when all is said and done.

I go straight to the deck to clear my mind. Tami’s busy preparing dinner in the kitchen and being interrogated by her, well, I’m not prepared for that. Being the mother hen of our crazy group, she can sense when something’s wrong. She’s like a hound dog.

I hate being alone when I’m like this, because in the quiet is when I feel every burn in my heart…every doubt in my mind. I let my mind wander to when I got back on base after a week long search for one fucking terrorist in Afghanistan. One fucking long week. What I found out leveled me…it nearly destroyed me.

My superior officer told me my parents were both killed, one shot each to the head, by a lone gunman trying to rob our store. The first feeling that registered in my brain was ‘I was supposed to be there…I was supposed to be protecting them’. Now…now they’re gone. I couldn’t even attend their funerals because I was stuck in a fucking foxhole somewhere, waiting for my mark. A mixture of anger, sadness, and regret swirls in my mind like a damn yogurt! A swirl of emotions, but instead of it leaving a good taste in my mouth; it leaves me wanting to throw up.

I feel angry because I told my dad time and time again to always pack. He has the right to own and carry one. Not that our store is in a bad neighborhood, but fucked up people tend to infiltrate anywhere. An unforgiving sadness, until now, permeated my heart because I was left alone. Loving Roxy and her loving me alleviates the pain, it leaves my heart less cold, less angry. Then, regret finds its way in my heart and the cycle start again.

Now, I find myself in a similar situation, except right now, I can do something about it. I can defend and protect Roxy. This is my redemption, my saving grace, but she won’t let me. She’s taking control away, and it makes my blood boil enough to lose sight of how much I adore her…how much I fucking love her. If I lose her because of this, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her or myself for not doing enough.

I’m so lost in thought I didn’t even sense someone standing next to me.

“Here’s what I got, no text, no voicemail, no email. A big fucking nothing,” LT says, with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“They’ve got to her, Damien. You should’ve seen the look on her face. Whatever she saw, scared the fuck out of her. I know it. My heart tells me she’s lying, man. She’s ripping my heart to shreds, here. Tell me to stand down, because I’m ready to start fucking World War III.” Frustration seeps through me and out of my mouth.

LT stands stoic; his emotions are in check, though I know the tidal wave is just about ready to burst. I just confirmed for him the one thing he never wanted to hear.

“We’ll keep an eye on her, Cody. That’s all we can do. Stick to her like…”

I interrupt him, because I know what I have to do. It’s Roxy who, obviously, doesn’t know what she has to do.

Raising my hand, I say, “…like white on rice. I know, LT. Even doing so, they’ve still gotten to her! I’m sure the fucking ball is rolling as we speak.”

“Fine, let the fucking ball roll. She can’t make her move if everything’s tight. If you need to fucking watch her take a shit, do it. Why the hell are you out here, anyway?”

Shaking my head, I say, “I can’t be with her, right now. Maybe, you should go.”

“What the fuck is going on?”

“You know how I lost my parents, yeah? I can almost forgive myself for not being there, because I was busy serving my country. I couldn’t control that shit! I’m wise enough to accept that. But, what your sister is doing to me, fuck! She’s stripping me, inch by inch, because she won’t let me protect her. It hurts right here.” I point to my chest. “It hurts knowing that the one person I want to risk my life for is fighting me at every turn. It’s like a slap in the face. Promise me, when the shit hits the fan and the unthinkable happens because of her, promise me you’ll stand by her, because I probably won’t be there.”

LT turns to me, concern masking his face. “You’re not saying what I think you’re saying.”

“I’m saying exactly that. I can’t be with someone who can’t trust me enough, to the point she’s willing to sacrifice herself and jeopardize
us
. I can’t. You very well know you’d feel the same way.”

LT remains standing, his eyes locked onto mine. Maybe, I need to make things a little clearer. So, I ask him questions I know will make him understand.

“A couple of questions, LT, and I’ll shut the fuck up.”

He nods, understanding clear in his eyes.

“One,
do
you trust me?”

His answer is quick, “Yes.”

“Two, You trust me
with
your life?”

Another quick and solid answer, “Yes. No question.”

“Three, You trust me to
make
the right decisions?”

“Yes. Without a doubt.”

“Four, Will you
tell
me your thoughts and plan
with
me to correct a situation?”

“Yes. Abso-fucking-lutely.”

“Five, Will
you
sacrifice
yourself
for
me
and
allow
me to do the same thing?”

“Yes.”

Resignation runs through my body like a shot of anesthesia paralyzing me, because LT just confirmed what Roxy isn’t willing to do. No matter the reason, no matter how sacrificial it is. If she doesn’t trust me enough to talk to me, there
is
nothing left…there
will
be nothing left.

Trust and Control are two things that are important to me. I need to know I can surrender both, and right now…at this very moment, I don’t think I can, not with what she’s doing to me. What I’m not willing to do is give it when she purposely wants to break it. Then, control is left hanging.

“There you have it. Your sister has already violated number three, and as for the rest, there’s no reason asking her any of it, because the answer will be ‘no’.” Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I tell him, “Go be with her, LT. I can’t right now.”

“Are you telling me you want to switch packages, now? Summer’s yours and she’s mine?”

Shaking my head, I say, “No, I just need a few minutes alone. I can’t turn off my feelings for her, LT. It’s as if I’m in a damn race against myself. I want to trust her, honestly, I do. But, how can I? She’s not making it easy for me. I’ll be here for as long as I need to be. If she has a change of heart and will be forthcoming with what the hell is going on, this…” I flail my hands, “this will all be forgotten, but if she won’t, I don’t know if that’s something I can forgive.”

“Is it you can’t trust her, or you can’t give up control?”

“Man, you know those two work side by side. You can’t give one without giving up the other. You tell me, with what she’s keeping from us, can I trust her to give her control?”

Before LT could answer, Brian and Jake walk out of the kitchen and onto the deck. Being that we’ve known each other for so long, they can sense, based on my body language, that something’s up.

“Hit me with what you know,” Jake says.

“The cartel has gotten their hands on Roxy. I didn’t see anything on her phone, but based on what Cody witnessed in the car, plus the intel that Gunny has, I think it’s safe to say they were successful in establishing contact. She’s definitely hiding something. She’s going against everything we planned. We’re already fucked before we even begin,” LT explains with a hint of resignation in his voice.

Brian speaks and tries to bring me back to a state of clarity. “This is different than your parents, Cody. You can’t live by that horrible incident and use it as a guide to judge any situation. In Roxy’s defense, she’s acting with the intention of saving us. Just as you’re getting pissed off because you want to save her. If indeed the cartel got to her, we’re still here to control the situation.”

“How is it different, B? People are trying to kill someone I love, AGAIN!” Shaking my head while pacing, I continue on, “But actually, you’re right, the situations are different somewhat. You want to know what’s different?”

Jake shrugs his shoulders. “I’m sure, you’ll let us know.”

“The difference is, I can do something about it! But, she won’t let me! Plus, my parents wouldn’t let me sit there and not do anything. They’d ask for help, because they trusted me enough to know I could help; that I’m capable of helping. They wouldn’t dare put themselves in danger. Roxy on the other hand, doesn’t trust me enough to tell me what the fuck is going on! That’s the difference.”

I walk toward the gate, maybe I’ll go for a walk, but Jake’s words stop my feet from moving.

“One thing, Cody, and then, you can walk into the fucking sunset. Since when do you ever give up on someone? I know, trust is important to you. It is for all of us. I’m not saying you haven’t earned it. Trust may not have anything to do with it. Maybe, she doesn’t want you to get hurt. She doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. I’m sure, Roxy is in there blaming herself for putting all of us in this situation. Knowing her, the guilt is killing her, right now. So, maybe, instead of pounding on her, be there next to her.”

It frustrates me that no one gets it.

I turn around to face them. “Answer me this. If Trish did something to put herself in danger, wouldn’t it piss you off not knowing? Oh, wait a second, as a matter of fact, she did. Need I remind you, how upset you were after the excitement of having kids wore off? No one wants to kill Trish, Jake! The mere fact that a lot could go wrong while carrying multiples is enough to make you lose your shit. Now, double that fucking emotion, that’s what Roxy is doing to me. She is purposely putting her life under fire, because she has this stupid mentality of blaming herself and thinking the only solution is to go behind our backs. How fucked up is that?”

I walk off into the fucking invisible sunset. Knowing I can’t go far, I lean on the gate, listen while my friends bicker, and put their two cents worth on whether they’ll take my side or Roxy’s.

“This is all kinds of fucked up,” Jake says. I can sense the frustration in his voice.

Welcome to the club, Supersperm man. You and me both. One for me, zero for my love.

LT’s voice echoes seconds later. “I get why he’s frustrated. God knows, I am. I know Cody sees this as a betrayal, but it’s not. Who the fuck am I lying to, of course it is. She should come to us!”

Join the club, buddy. You and me both. Two for me, zero for my love.

Brian’s calm voice offers a temporary reprieve. “Wait, don’t join the let’s hang Roxy out to dry chorus, LT. I get it she should come to us, but in no way, shape, or form it’s an act of betrayal. Do I need to remind you, you kept shit from her?

You’re not welcome in my club, Vagina Boy! Two for me, one for my love.

Brian’s angry voice booms loud and clear. “That girl in there is fighting a huge fight against herself. You, LT, out of every one of us standing here knows how that is. I’ve known Roxy for so long, I know how she thinks as everyone here does. She’s crazy as shit, but her heart, man…her heart is so big it can have all of us in there, and then some. She’s not going to risk anyone of us getting hurt because of her father. She loves us that much. Now, add how much she’s afraid of losing Cody, the only man I’ve seen her with that brings a glow to her face, who might get hurt because of her. Imagine the burden she carries, man. Imagine that for a second.”

Brian doesn’t stop there. He’s our very own Ms. Betsy with balls.

“Do you seriously think she wants to fucking die? What she clearly wants is for this to all go away without anyone getting hurt, but that’s impossible. She’s left with no other choice but to give in to them, because by doing that, we’re all safe. Everyone she….”

I can’t hear anymore after that, because it fucking hurts too much to think I’m about to lose the only person that brought meaning back into my life. I push open the gate and yell my way back, pointing an accusatory finger at Brian. How dare he analyze this whole fucked up situation and not know one very crucial detail….

“Yes! Everyone she loves will be safe, but if she dies…I die, too! Don’t you get it, B? I can’t live without her. I wouldn’t want to, not even for a fucking second. So, her fucking plan of saving the fucking day is fucking insane! It’s seriously fucking with my heart!”