Unplugged (A Portrait of a Rock Star) (5 page)

“Okay, Mara, I’ll focus.”  And, for the next hour, I did focus.  I focused on how much work weight-training was.  I focused on the sweat that filled my brow and the fatigue that permeated my muscles.  I was beat and Mara told me that I would feel worse tomorrow. 

Why was I doing this?  I didn’t have an answer for that, except, having Mara as my personal trainer was the only way to keep her around right now.

After Mara finished kicking my out-of-shape ass, I asked her if she’d like to accompany me in having a cup of coffee.  She said of course and she offered to make the pot for me.  I, however, felt like being a bit more formal today, so I asked her if she would mind going to the local Starbuck’s with me.  No, she wouldn’t mind.  She was always just so sweet.  She waited for me in the living room, while I took a quick shower.  After all, I worked out pretty damn hard, it made sense that I’d smell like I did.  When I was done showering, I ran a quick blow dryer through my hair just to get the extra wetness out.  I looked at myself in the mirror.  It had only been a week since I had started eating healthier, but already my face looked a bit thinner, the glow was coming back and the gray film that had covered my eyes had disappeared.  They were blue again.  There was still a familiar gnawing in my heart, but thanks to the appearance of Mara in my life, I was beginning to at least look alive again. 

“Well that certainly felt good.” I uttered as I walked into the living room.  Mara, smiling as she looked at me, took my breath away.  While I was preening, Mara had taken out her ponytail, letting her shoulder length hair fall full around her face.  Her lips were shining a pretty pink color and her face had a rosy hue to it.  It appeared that Mara was doing a little primping herself.  This sudden awareness sent a shudder through my veins.  Could Mara be attracted to me as I was to her?  I certainly hoped so.

“You look good, Tagg.  I like your hair down.”  I, too, had been wearing a ponytail up until today.  Even after the haircut, I still pulled what I could back.  It was easier than styling it.

“Thanks.  I’m thinking about streaking it again.”  Then I laughed.  “Nah, that’s the old me.”

“Either way you would look good.”  Mara blushed, but she didn’t stop talking.  “It’s good to see you looking yourself again.”

“Yeah, well, I’d like to feel like myself again.”  I digressed.  “Let’s go.  I’ll drive.”  I did love my car.  It was the only possession I owned that I really appreciated.  Mom and Dad always bought me things growing up.  My ‘Vette was the first thing I bought with money that I had earned on my own.  I did love my ‘Vette.

Mara’s sweet smell was almost overwhelming as she sat so close to me in the passenger’s seat.  She smelled like cinnamon and…pears, I believe.  While I was driving, I actually closed my eyes a couple of times to inhale her scent.  I turned the radio on just in case the silence got awkward, but an old Holland song was on. This kind of ruined my mood.  I had a bittersweet taste in my mouth when it came to my old life.  I missed it, yet it was exactly that lifestyle that had ruined my life, destroyed my mind and demolished my heart.  It was hard to look back fondly on my golden days.  Fortunately, Mara had interrupted my thoughts.  “Tagg,” Mara hesitated, “does it bother you to hear your old songs?”

“Why?”  Here I was on the defense again.

“The expression on your face changed.”

“I guess it does.  I don’t like thinking about those days.” I hated being sullen around Mara.  I really liked her and I just wanted to enjoy her company; I needed to put these bad thoughts behind me.  “It’s okay.  I’m over it.”  I turned a quick glance at Mara to reassure her.  She nodded her head.  She didn’t press.  She never seemed to force a subject that was uncomfortable.  That was a pretty good quality; I respected that.

“So where’s the Starbuck’s around here?”  Mara asked.

I was surprised.  “Don’t you live around here?”

“I live in Oak Ridge; it’s about twenty, twenty-five minutes from here.”

“Is that West Milford?”  I really hadn’t traveled outside of a three-mile radius since moving here, so I wasn’t too familiar with the surrounding towns.

“No, I’m on the Jefferson side.”

“What’s the Jefferson side?”

Now it was Mara’s turn to be surprised.  “I guess you’re not too familiar with the area, either?”  I had parked my car and ran to the other side to open the door for Mara, but she was already on her way out; I guess she hadn’t pegged me for the courtly type, even though I’ve been trying in the short time she’d been around.  I ordered us two low-fat lattes and we finished our conversation while we waited. 

“Well, I only moved here a little over five years ago.”

Mara chuckled. “Is that all?”

She did make me laugh; I was so much lighter around Mara, I didn’t want it to ever end.  “Uh, I haven’t been out too much since then.”  I kept the smile on my face to remain buoyant; I didn’t want her to see my inner turmoil.  It embarrassed me to admit I’d been a hermit for so long.

The lattes were done and we proceeded to sit at a cozy little table at the back of the establishment.

I saw that Mara was still thinking about my last comment.  Compassion was apparent on her face.  “Tagg… Um, I know you’ve managed to stay away from the paparazzi for a long time, but, um, I mean, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry.”

I was a little apprehensive about hearing her question, but if I wanted some type of relationship with Mara, I figured I had to be somewhat open with her. “It’s okay, what are you trying to ask?” 

“You really haven’t gone out…in seven years?  I mean, you must have friends?” She was looking concerned, but she didn’t seem to pity me.  I hoped not.

“I have friends. I, uh, just haven’t seen them in a while.”  I sighed.  “I closed my self off from everyone, Mara.”  I sighed again, this time taking a moment to close my eyes. This was hard for me to talk about.  “After the incident, it got harder to face anyone. At first, the media kept hounding me, but then, after some time, they’d stopped following me.  No one really bothered to find out where I’d gone after I shut my beach house down.”  I paused a few seconds, but Mara sat silently waiting for me to continue.  “After I moved to Sparta, it was easy to be alone.  My mother brought groceries in the beginning, but then once I grew my beard and stopped wearing my contact lenses, I figured I could at least do my own food shopping.  After I drank and ate myself up to two-hundred pounds, it just got easier to hide myself.”

Mara looked down for a second, before looking up at me and nodding.  “It was hard to recognize you with the beard.  I like the glasses though.  They make you look … educated.”

“What makes you think I’m not?...  Educated, I mean.”

“I didn’t think you weren’t, I just thought the glasses made you look that way.”

“Because I did go to college you know?” I used my finger to push my glasses further up my nose, to emphasize my nerdiness.

Mara gave a little smile and nodded her head upward, “Now, when would you have had time to go to college? And, wouldn’t I have read about it in the papers all those years ago?”

It was my turn to smile back at Mara in defense, “I wasn’t totally useless while I sat on my ass for seven years.  I took some classes on-line; before I knew it, I had enough credits to graduate.  I’ve been thinking of actually, physically going to college to get my Master’s.”

“What was your online major?”

“Finance.” I made a hmmph sound instead of a chuckle. “I figured I better learn how to take care of my money …since I wouldn’t be actively making any more.”

“Smart move.” Mara took a pensive pause.  “Tagg …can I ask you something else?” Mara had that look on her face that said her question wasn’t going to be an easy one to answer.  You know the one, when your face gets all scrunched up, because you’re embarrassed about something?  I gave a slight nod with a gentle upward turn of my mouth. She took that how I meant it and asked her question.  “Don’t you get bored staying in your house all the time?”

For someone who says she’s shy, she certainly is a forward little person.  “Yeah, I do.  I get out, but I usually stay on my property.  I take walks to my dock on the lake and sit there… all day, sometimes.  It’s a lonely life I’ve made for myself, but it’s what I deserve.”

“Why do you deserve to be lonely?  No one deserves that.”

“Mara, you were a fan of Holland, you must have read the papers.” I reached in my pocket for a cigarette, but I came up empty; remembering now that I was trying to quit.

“But that doesn’t explain why you’ve earned a lonely life.” Mara bit her lower lip, a sign that she was feeling a little uneasy.

“Mara …the reason Crystal was speeding that night in her car was because she had just caught me in our marriage bed with another woman. A woman whose name I can’t even remember.”  I was getting loud. Luckily I realized that before anyone had noticed.  I lowered my voice. “Don’t you see?  If I hadn’t been cheating on her, she’d have never taken off.”  I lowered my head into my hand.  I didn’t even want to look Mara in the eyes.

What I heard was silence.  Not the usual, ‘Oh Tagg, you couldn’t have known,’ or ‘Oh Tagg, it’s not your fault she took off like that.’  No, what I received from Mara was her hand.  She placed it on top of my hand, the one that wasn’t holding my head up.  I turned my hand up, so that my hand was now holding hers. It was warm and comforting to have Mara’s hand in mine.  It sent a sensation up my arm that felt like trickling warm water. Slowly, I raised my head to look into her eye.  She was crying.  Her chocolaty brown eyes were filled with transparent liquid.  She was beautiful, but she was sad.  I had an instinctual feeling that she wasn’t sad for only me.

“I’m sorry Mara.  I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“That must be a terrible burden to live with.” Mara ignored my apology and continued to hold my hand.

Was she confirming that it was my fault?  I mean, yeah, it was, but usually people, well at least my mother, never agreed with me. Auggie, sure. The paparazzi, of course.  But, the latter had just wanted a story and I’m sure Crystal’s sister, Cameron had helped that story as much as my nameless lover had.  Cameron was so bitter after the accident.  When she had found out about my infidelity, Cameron nearly lost it.  She’d come to my house, nearly broke down my door and started beating on me.  Of course, I’d let her.  I’d deserved it.  If I could have physically beaten myself up, I would have.  So, to let Cameron do it, well, she was actually doing me a favor.  When Cameron had realized that I was as miserable as she was, she’d stopped attacking me.  But, now Mara wasn’t going to make this easy?  Wasn’t that human nature, to minimize what someone else was feeling to keep their own level of discomfort at a minimum?  But, I duly answered Mara’s question, “Yes, Mara, it is a terrible burden to live with, but I deserve it.”

Mara only nodded.  She didn’t disagree.  Either she was really insensitive to my feelings or she understood so completely that she had to agree with me.  I truly believed the latter.  I didn’t want to talk about this anymore.  It hurt too much and I didn’t want to feel that stake twisting in my heart right now.  But, I couldn’t seem to stop.  “You know, Mara, I never told anyone this.  Of course, my mom and dad know and Crystal’s family, well they were aware, but…”

“Excuse me, but aren’t you Tagg Holland?”  The women who interrupted were giggling like school girls, but they weren’t school girls.  They had to be close to my age.  It looked ridiculous.  Being star-struck like that, at their age was just ludicrous.  Maybe I was being insensitive, but the whole idolizing thing drove me crazy. I was no better than anyone else, worse actually, yet they treated me like I had cured Cancer.  I took a look at them and then back at Mara who was looking at me, wondering, probably, why I wasn’t answering them.  I continued gazing at Mara, but answered the women.  “Yes, I’m Tagg.”  I couldn’t take my eyes off Mara though.  Her eyes were pulling me in so deep, I felt like suddenly I was going to drown …in a pool of milk chocolate. The two middle-aged women got the hint and walked away.  

The moment had passed.  I had begun to tell Mara my secret, but those ladies had interrupted and now the moment was lost.  I would have to tell Mara some other time.  I had just hoped the right moment would present itself again.

We finished our lattes and drove back to my house.  I had asked Mara if she wanted to come in, but she said she had a spin class tonight and she wanted to take a nap before she had to go.  I found that amusing.  I could picture Mara napping, her small face peacefully gleaming as her mouth turned up just slightly, her eyes dancing beneath their lids while she dreamed.  I could only hope that she would dream of me.

“Spin class, huh?  Where do you teach?”

“At Fit Fanatics in Lake Hopatcong.  Would you like to come and take my class?”

There was nothing I could do but laugh.  “Mara, you have got to be kidding me.  I can barely last a mile jogging, you expect me to last forty-five minutes in a Spin class?”

“Well, of course.  You would go at your own pace.  You wouldn’t have to follow what the rest of us were doing.  There are beginners in every class I teach.  It’s a good bunch of people too.  Why don’t you give it try?”

“Maybe I will.  But, not tonight.  Not yet.  Give me a little time to adjust to being out of the house.”

“Sure Tagg.  But I’m going to hold you to it.”  Then she gently put her hand on my arm, just above my elbow.  “Thanks for the latte, Tagg.  I had a really nice time.”

“I did too.  Thanks for joining me.”

“I’ll see you Friday. And, if you go for one of your jogs, why don’t you put on a pair of sunglasses and a hat.  Maybe you’ll avoid your picture in the paper this time.”

“Yeah, I’ll do that." I chuckled.  "See you Friday, Mara.”  I couldn’t wait until Friday.

The next several weeks with Mara were wonderful.  Oh, of course she had kicked my fat ass, but it was starting to feel good.  The soreness in my muscles was actually a good reminder for me to stay on track.  Every time I felt an ache, or a slight pain in my arms or my legs, I knew I was working too hard to blow it on making the wrong food or beverage choice.  Each time Mara and I were finished with our training sessions, we would go to Starbuck’s for our skinny lattes.  The conversations never got as tense as our first visit, but they were enjoyable and very easy.  I was comfortable with Mara and if I were not mistaken, she was comfortable with me. 

It was Friday again and Mara would be coming any minute.  I was doing really well and dropping weight at a pretty speedy pace.  I could see muscles forming in my shoulders and biceps and it felt good.  But it worried me, because when would Mara feel as if I didn’t need her as a trainer any more?  I didn’t want her to tell me that I could do it without her.  Of course I could workout without her pushing me, but then when would I see her?  We hadn’t taken our relationship any further than a friendly trainer/client bond.  It was maddening, but I really wanted to ask Mara out on a date.  I just didn’t know how.  I hadn’t prepared myself for ever dating again; I don’t even know if I should date.  Could I ever be loyal?  I mean I really screwed up in my marriage and that’s the century’s understatement.  If I couldn’t trust myself, then how could I ever earn Mara’s trust in me?  So, because I was essentially deciding not to ask Mara out, I was feeling a bit sorrowful about it.  The trainer/client relationship was the best I could give, I guess.

When the doorbell rang, I expected it to be Mara.  It was not.  Standing at my front door was my 6’5” father, dressed in all his rock-star attire.  It didn’t matter that my father was no longer performing; he still donned his black leather each and every day.  Auggie Holland, with his long, thick salt and pepper hair, was a cross between Steven Tyler and Sam Elliot and he still attracted women of every age, any marital status.  But, what was more astonishing than seeing my larger-than-life dad at my door was seeing the man who was standing next to him.  My best-friend. Ronnie Fontane had a smile that spread from ear to ear.  I’m not sure if it was a genuine, happy-to-finally-see-you-again smile or your-dad’s-gonna-bring-us-back-to-the-big-time smile. “Dad, Ronnie, come in.” Before I shut the door, I saw Mara hesitate on her way up the walk.  “Mara, come on.  It’s okay.”  And, when she got closer, I whispered, “Please stay by my side the whole time they’re here.”

She crinkled her eyes at me like I was crazy, but shrugged and said, “Alright.”

We all headed for the living room, but no one sat down.  “Dad, Ronnie, this is Mara, my …Mara.”  I couldn’t call her my trainer.  Even though she was, my feelings for her were deeper than that and I couldn’t bring myself to minimize what she was to me.

Mara held out her hand to both of them.  “It’s nice to meet you.”  Although she had looked them both in the eyes when she was shaking their hands, she did seem very shy in their presence.  It was obvious she knew who they were.  I suddenly felt a pang in the pit of my stomach, because I was thinking of the ladies at the Starbuck’s several weeks ago.  Growing up around famous people, I guess I was immune to the hold that celebrities had on society.  In an attempt to make Mara feel more comfortable, I moved closer to her and took her hand in mine.  Truthfully, I don’t know if I did that to make her feel more at ease or to make myself feel that way.  In any event, I was holding her hand in front of my father and Ronnie and she didn’t pull it away.  She actually squeezed her hand tighter around mine.  It was hard to concentrate on my guests when all I could focus on was the galvanizing surge running through my body because I was hand-in-hand with Mara.

“So Taggart,” My dad always called me that and it never failed to put fear in me to hear him say it. “I think it's time we talk about going back to work.”

I closed my eyes in a vain attempt to make him disappear.  “Yeah, Dad, well, I’m not sure that I’m ready for that yet.”

“Oh, bullshit, Taggart.  You’ve taken long enough to wallow in your own self-pity; it’s not fair to Ronnie and the gang to keep them from the spotlight.  This isn’t just your career we’re dealing with now.”  Leave it to my dad to hold no punches.  I plopped myself on the couch, taking Mara with me.  I was still holding her hand, so she had no choice.  “I know this hideous accident has knocked you for a loop, but your mom has been coddling you for way too friggin’ long.  Get over it, Taggart and get back to what you were born to do.”

I looked at Ronnie with pleading eyes.  He still had that smirk on his face.  I shook my head; I felt betrayed.  “Did you put him up to this, Ron?”

Ronnie sat down on the chair behind him.  “He put me up to it, man; but we’re gettin’ nowhere with you.  It’s been seven years guy.  Seven years since we produced anything.  Don’t you miss it, Tagg?  Don’t you miss the music?”

Of course I did.  “Of course I do.” I turned to look at Mara.  I was feeling vulnerable and I needed her for reassurance.  She was looking at me and she gave me her sweet, almost smile.  She squeezed my hand, as if to say, I’m here.  This gave me strength; I wasn’t surprised.

“C’mon man.  We need you.  We’re ready to get out there again and we would rather not do it without you.”

This did take me by surprise.  “What?”

“Matty, Johnny and Me, we’re getting back out there.  We want you with us, but we’ll do it without you.”

“It’s my band, man.  Holland is my gig; I brought you into it, don’t forget that.”  This was making me seriously angry.  I knew I wasn’t ready to go back out there, but I sincerely hoped they wouldn’t stab me in the back and find a new lead singer.

My father stepped in as usual. He’d been pacing my living room the whole time.  “Holland’s not just your name, Taggart.  I gave it to you.”

What?  “What?  What are you saying?”  But I knew exactly what he was saying.  “You are an asshole, Auggie.  You are a complete and fricking asshole.” I enunciated each and every word.  I felt Mara’s hand tighten around mine.  I’m sure she felt me trembling.  I couldn’t keep from shaking.  My father was willing to take my place as the lead singer in my band.   I leaned my head back against the couch.  Mara’s other hand reached across her body to rub my arm.  I closed my eyes to let this calm me.  My breathing steadied as I matched the pace in which she moved her hand up and down my arm.

“Look Taggart,” Dad was going to finish me off, I was sure of that.  “I don’t want to take your place.  You’re right, you are Holland. You are the one your guys want.  Shit, you're the only one the fans will want to see singing up there.  But, I understand these guys.  The music’s in their blood.  Hell, I didn’t quit performing until a few years ago, why should they?  You guys are young.  Shit, you may be nearing your forties, but look at all the old-timers up there kicking the young bands’ asses.  Bon Jovi’s still rocking and still on top, man.  Springsteen, The Eagles, they’re all still struttin’ their stuff and producing the best music of their careers.  What happened to you back then, well, that just sucks.  It does.  But it shouldn’t be stopping you from living man.  It shouldn’t have been the end of your career.”

I couldn’t respond to that.  Not right away.  So, Ronnie did.  “Tagg, I know this is hard for you.  I wanted to be there for you too.  You wouldn’t let me.  Maybe, just maybe if you had let me, you could have been over this already.”

I sat up straight.  “I will never be over this, Ronnie.”  But that was all I could say.  I felt Mara’s hand loosen a little and I didn’t like that.  It didn’t make sense.  She was letting me know that she was there for me, by the touch of her small hand.  Why would she loosen it now?  What was she trying to say?

“I didn’t mean you’d be over your wife, Tagg.  I miss Crystal too.  I just thought, maybe you would have been able to move on a little.”  My wife.  Crystal.  Nobody gets it.  It was never about Crystal. Not really.  But, maybe that’s why Mara’s squeeze wasn’t as tight.  Maybe Mara thought it was about Crystal too.  This new piece of information had suddenly brightened my mood.  Because, if Mara was affected by the thought of my missing Crystal, then maybe Mara’s feelings toward me were similar to what mine were towards her.  Hmmm.

“Dad, Ronnie, let me think about this.  I can’t just suddenly change my course without thinking about it.”  All I wanted to do was be with Mara.  I had to get them out of my house, because I needed to talk to her.  I needed to tell her what my despair had been all about.