Unquenched (16 page)

I looked back at him with disappointment and the only word that
escaped from my mouth was, "But..." 

He cut me off immediately as if he had read my mind, and then, as
if to reassure me that he too had wanted to proceed, he said, "I just
don't want to start something that I can't finish."

Although his thought was not entirely complete, the implication
was that he wouldn't have wanted to leave during such an intimate moment just
because he was rushing to catch his flight.  But his choice of words struck me
oddly, and once again, raised questions in my mind.  I was searching for an
answer, yet the clues I was working with were fragmented, and therefore, it was
difficult to envision the clear picture that would ultimately unfold the truth.

"OK," I said, trying to hide my unquenched desire from
him, and at that point, my disappointment as well. 

"But I will see you soon, hopefully," he said.  "But
you know that depends on you." 

The mix of emotion that I was feeling then, was overwhelming and
confused me to no end.  I wanted him badly at that very moment yet knew that
there was no future for us.

"Tris, there's one more thing that makes it complicated if
you come for all those days.  It's Jordan," I said to him with
reservation.  "If you stay with me, I would be betraying him again.  I
excused myself for this short period of time but I can't pretend that I would
just not be available to him for five whole days.  And I also couldn't spend
nights with you if he were still in my life.  It wouldn't be fair to any of
us.  So I would need to make a decision about him before I could commit to even
spending any time with you," I said out loud, not really for his benefit
but with the hope of reinforcing the thoughts in my own mind.  "I just
wanted to tell you, to be fair," I said to him, half of me feeling the
need to be truthful and the other half praying that by sharing my dilemma, he
wouldn't give me any false hope. 

If his reasons for coming were not consistent with mine, it would
affect my timing with Jordan.  In my heart of hearts, I knew I would leave Jordan,
but Tristan was just helping me do it sooner.  But given the choice, I would
have done it on my terms, and not prompted pre-maturely by an opportunity to
see Tristan.

"And even then," I said, "I'm not really sure that
it is in our best interest to get together again, given our feelings for each
other." 

But I knew then, even as I said it, there was little chance left
anymore of my turning him away.

"Just so you know," he said purposefully, I wouldn't
come to see you if you were still together with him," ignoring my second
reason.  "I would want to know that you weren't involved with anyone else
and that we only had to be concerned about us.  Besides, I really don't see how
we could just leave it like this.  It feels, well, unfinished," he
assessed, as he confused me further and seduced me emotionally leaving me nowhere
else to turn.

As he began to stand from the teal carpeted floor, he said,
"Just think about it and let me know."  With not much time to waste
as it was already ten minutes after four, we walked to the door, he hugged me,
kissed me on the cheek, and said, "I'll see you in two weeks." 

He took a few steps in the direction of the elevator, looked back
at me, then came back to kiss me again.  He kissed me on the lips, and once
again, I watched him disappear into the elevator, this time knowing that in a
few hours’ time, he would be somewhere over the Atlantic.

CHAPTER FIVE

********

I sat in my office the very next day, fidgety, as I had a very
hard time focusing.  I picked up my phone and dialed the telephone number to my
own apartment at home.  After ringing two quick times, the answering machine
picked up.  It meant that there was a message.  Otherwise it would have picked
up after four.  I had called my machine out of restlessness because I usually
didn't receive calls at home during the day. 

"Hi, it's me," the wonderfully familiar foreign voice
said.  "I just wanted to say hello and tell you that it was great to be
with you yesterday," he continued.  "Anyway, call me when you can,
and I really look forward to speaking to you."  My heart dropped when I
heard his sound and I knew then, that if I had still planned on resisting Tristan,
I was truly kidding myself.

The next few days came and went as I anticipated getting together
with Jordan.  I knew what I had to do, regardless of what would or would not
transpire with Tristan.  We still had our plans for New Year's Eve with the
concert tickets Jordan had gotten.  The conversation we were going to have was
imminent, and had been pending since we were in Indonesia.  After the concert I
would have to address it, it just couldn't wait any longer.

"Jordan, I need to tell you something that has been on my
mind for a while," I said, dreading the sound of my own words. 

"OK, I'm listening," he said, anticipating something
negative by the tone in my voice.  I decided to just come out with it and not
mince words in the process. 

"It's just not working with us.  It's not you.  You're
great.  It's me.  I just don't feel what I need to in order to get us to that
next phase.  I've wanted it to work, I really have, but it takes more than
wanting it.  I have to feel it.  I'm not really sure what else to say because
I've been feeling this for quite a while and at this point, my instincts tell
me that more time together just won't give me the answer.  At least not right
now," I said, as genuine tears began to stream from my eyes. 

With his head in his hands, his body began to tremble, and I knew
that he had begun to cry too. 

"But I started to think that everything was OK with us, I
really don't understand," he responded.  "It appeared to me that we
were getting along so well," he added. 

"It's not about our day to day interaction Jordan, it's also
about what's in here," I said, pointing to my heart.

We talked and talked, for hours and hours, and finally there was
nothing left to say.  For neither of us.  We were both hurting terribly from
the loss of a friendship, and from the loss of hope for a life that we may have
shared, together.  I watched him drive away, feeling afraid, wondering and
praying that I had made the right decision.

It had been almost a week since Tristan had gone, and although we
had spoken several times, I had not yet confirmed with him that he should
come.  I had decided for certain that I wanted him to but I just wasn't ready
to tell him.  The thought of his presence inebriated me and although I had not
shared the thought with him, I was counting the days until he came.

The next day at work, I thought about Tristan when something I was
doing reminded me of him. 

My boss entered my office and asked, "When you get a chance,
could you send out some
FUN
brochures to the folks in the Asia office,
and of course, with a little note from you," as he handed me a list with
names and addresses. 

"Sure, no problem," I responded. 

The
FUN
promotional material was a glossy colored pamphlet
explaining in detail about
FUN
and its worldwide success.  It was an
impressive marketing tool and I would be sending it to potential foreign
partners.  Working in the international department, it was critical that we had
brochures available in various languages.  At the time I had been working on a
project for Latin America, so I searched for a Spanish version.  First I came
across a version in Chinese, then one in French, and then I noticed a language
that I was never even aware that we had.  At any other time I would have passed
it right by, but suddenly, I had become consumed with anything that was even
remotely related to him.  The German brochure I was holding had given me a
clever idea.  I found a clean piece of
FUN
stationary and began to write
feverishly:

         Dear Tris,

... remember when you so cheerfully reminded me that I might need
your assistance with German?  Well, I thought about it, and after all, as you
put it, I wouldn't want to put myself at a disadvantage, right?  So, why don't
we make a deal.  Two free nights in a New York apartment in exchange for a
translation of the FUN brochure in German that's enclosed.  Oh, and by the way,
the offer expires in a week.

Thinking of you...

      Me

P.S., if you have difficulty translating the words into English,
the English interpretation is printed on the flip side of each brochure page!
(I'd say you lucked out on this deal!).

After feeling satisfied that I had made my point, I licked the
envelope and sealed it.  He would understand clearly that I wanted him to come
and I knew he would appreciate the flirtatious and creative effort.  I walked
it to the post office, realizing that if I wanted it to get to him in time I
had to send it
Express
.

Three days had passed, and I anxiously awaited his phone call to
confirm his trip to New York.  The excitement had been building in me, in some
ways, more than it had the first time he came, this time knowing exactly what I
could expect.  Although I had been mourning the separation from Jordan, it had
been suppressed, and overridden by the heightened anticipation of Tristan's
arrival.  I would have to make plans, introduce him to everyone and figure out
how to best spend our time.  I had so much energy just knowing that he was
coming, I just wanted the moment to come.

Later on, that afternoon, the phone rang in my office.  My heart
dropped quickly as I realized that the distinct sound of the ring signified
that it was an outside call.  I hoped that it was him and wanted to know that
he hadn't changed his mind for any reason. 

"Hi, it's me," he said energetically, with a tone that
suggested everything was fine. 

"Hi, how are you?" I asked, wanting him to alleviate all
my doubts immediately and tell me that he was coming. 

"I am just fine and feeling very pleeased after having
received your letter today," he replied, as I could almost hear the smile
on his face. 

"Really?" I asked.  "Did you like the German
brochure?" I questioned, dancing around what I what I truly wanted to
know. 

"Yes, I did, but I liked what you wrote even more", he
answered.  I knew that what he was referring to was the line that read ...
thinking
of you
.  "And of course, I am looking forward to seeing you," he
finally said. 

I suddenly felt my body relax and felt myself at ease. 

"There is, however, a little change of plans," he
continued. 

I couldn't imagine what he was about to say. 

"A few days ago I called in sick because I caught a case of
the flu.  I am almost better now, but because of the way the schedule is
managed, they changed around my shifts for the rest of the month."

"Why would they do that," I asked, fearing the affect it
might have on our plans. 

"Well, as soon as anyone calls in sick, because they cannot
predict when that person will return, they replace them on the schedule for the
rest of the month, and ultimately that person has to fill in as a standby
attendant.  So, now that they have taken me off all of my scheduled flights,
the five consecutive days that I originally had off is no longer part of the
schedule.  In other words, on all of those days, I am now scheduled on standby. 
Do you understand so far?" he asked, trying to break the news to me
gently. 

"Yes," I replied, feeling the loss, almost more than I
could bear. 

"They have already scheduled me for a standby shift but it is
not for another three days," he explained.  "So, since I really don't
know when I will get a schedule with another big block of time off, I thought I
would just come anyway, even though it is only for two days," he finally
said, surprising me, yet a question hung in his voice as he looked for my
confirmation. 

"Yes, yes, come, I can't wait," I screamed, suddenly
feeling happier and rejuvenated.  "I'll be waiting here for you tomorrow,"
I added. 

As I witnessed my own reaction, something had become very clear to
me.  The emotional roller-coaster that he was about to take me on, had more or
less begun.

He arrived the next day, in the middle of the day, and he met me
in front of my office.  I had decided to leave early in order to be with him as
I did not want to waste a moment.

His tan colored skin had faded somewhat but his masculinity had
not diminished.  He was a striking creature who was virile and strong and he
emanated a sense of vitality.  His rugged square chin and his breathtaking
smile made me gasp as I kissed him hello.  My body began to burn with desire as
I smelled his scent while it lingered.  But more than that, I had a true
appreciation for his interests and passions and the way he shared them with
me.  There was so much about him.  Even his clothing.  I recognized his jacket,
as well as his shoes, but was impressed once again by how the simple clothes
that he wore, flattered him.

"Hi," he said.  "You look great," he added, as
he took me into his arms and hugged me.