Unsticky (76 page)
Authors: Sarah Manning
‘Why did you leave?’ There was no easy way to broach it so Grace found herself simply spitting it out.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Why did you leave me? What did I do wrong?’ Grace croaked because her throat was suddenly dry as if all the moisture had been sucked out of her body.
‘You didn’t do anything wrong, Gracie. What’s the point of dragging this up after all this time?’
‘Because I have to know. I need to figure out why everyone gets sick of me and leaves, because then I can change and make it stop. And you were the first one to go so you must have seen something, like, rotten in me. What was it?’
‘It wasn’t you, it was me,’ Caroline said, which was too ironic for words. ‘You didn’t want to stay with me. The judge asked you, and you said you didn’t want to live with me.’
‘But I was eight! Who asks an eight year old something like that? And if you’d loved me, you wouldn’t have just given up and gone to Australia and left me behind.’
‘Grace, the judge asked you again and again. The social worker took you out of the court and you were gone ages and when you came back, all you would say is that you didn’t want to live with me or your father.’
That wasn’t right. ‘No, it didn’t happen like that. She asked me one time.’
‘That’s exactly what happened. And that’s what happened when we went back a week later too. And every week for a whole month.’
Grace could picture it so clearly. Rubbing her finger on the polished wooden table and leaving greasy smears. The portrait of the Queen behind the judge, and afterwards how her grandfather had bought her a lolly from the ice-cream van parked outside. ‘I don’t remember any of that,’ she snapped.
‘Well, I do because it was the worst fucking month of my life and it’s been etched in my memory ever since,’ Caroline snapped right back.
‘That can’t be right. She asked me and you looked at Dad and then you looked at me, really glared like you hated me, and so I said it just the once and it felt like I’d said the worst swear word ever, and then you weren’t there and it was all my fault.’ Grace curled her legs under her and rested one hand against her burning cheek. ‘You could still have stayed though, couldn’t you?’
Caroline’s voice, when she spoke, was thick with tears. ‘Grace, you don’t know how much I regret not staying and fighting for you. I think about you all the time; what would have happened if I’d just dragged you back home with me. I know things got really bad with the divorce but I thought we were happy together. Do you remember how, in the summer we’d spend all day on the beach and we’d collect shells together and you’d nag me to paint your toenails pink like mine?’
‘Every time I tried to think about you, I’d get so angry and all I could remember was you and Dad rowing all the time because you wouldn’t have got married if you hadn’t got pregnant. Neither of you really wanted me and that’s the story of my life. That I’m just not fucking good enough.’
‘That’s absolute rubbish, Grace,’ Caroline snorted with a half-laugh, half-sob. ‘The divorce was about us, not you. In fact, you were the only good thing that came out of our marriage. I guess you haven’t had this conversation with your dad?’
That hadn’t even occurred to Grace. ‘No, he’s a wanker. I hate him.’
‘And you don’t hate me?’
‘It’s more complicated than that. I just shoved everything about you away so I wouldn’t have to think about it. Then you got back in touch, and I had to deal with it all again. Except I didn’t.’ Grace could hear her voice starting to quiver but she was determined to get through this. ‘The day I got your first email about Kirsty, I walked out of my degree. I had two weeks to go and I just bailed on it. Like, it reminded me there was no point. I wasn’t going to be good enough again so I might just as well give up.’
‘I felt exactly like that after the divorce,’ Caroline said. ‘I was walking past the travel agent’s and they were advertising cheap flights and I thought, Everything is just too hard and Grace doesn’t want me so I’ll leave.’
‘I wish you’d stayed. I feel like life happens to other people, and I drift in and out of their lives without ever making any kind of impact. I want to matter to someone. Like, they’ll put up with all my bad shit because my good stuff makes up for it, you know?’ The tension had shifted, almost evaporated, and for the first time, Grace wished that Caroline was there, that they could go for a drink together or something. ‘Do you love Gary?’
‘Yeah, I do,’ Caroline said gently. ‘He bugs me like you wouldn’t believe, but I couldn’t imagine being without him.’
‘But how do you know that you love him?’ Grace persisted. ‘ ’Cause people say that they love each other, but what does it mean? That you can’t live without someone? Because you can - you won’t die if they’re not there, even if you feel like you might for a while and—’
‘What’s with all the soul-searching, Gracie? Is it that guy you were seeing? Mum didn’t like him at all. Said he was no better than he ought to be, which wasn’t much.’
‘He’s not like that at all,’ Grace hissed, instinctively springing to Vaughn’s defence. ‘He was really nice to her but she was determined to think he was being smarmy.’
‘So, you’re still together?’ Caroline prompted.
‘No, it wasn’t going to work out. We just couldn’t come to an agreement.’ It was so unintentionally funny that Grace started laughing, though it turned into sobs halfway through, and then she was choking it all out. All of it. Not the carefully edited version she’d told her grandmother or the abridged edition she’d given Lily. Caroline got the full
Ballad of Grace and Vaughn
; she even had to get rid of the washing repairman halfway through.
Ballad of Grace and Vaughn
; she even had to get rid of the washing repairman halfway through.
‘God, how did you manage to get yourself into such a mess?’ Caroline asked when Grace had got to the end, which was the part where she’d sold all of Vaughn’s gifts and Barb would only give them back if Grace paid their resale value. ‘Am I meant to give you a stirring pep-talk about seizing the day and being mistress of your own destiny, because I’d be really crap at that.’
‘I probably wouldn’t listen. Or I’d agree with you and then do completely the opposite.’ Grace stretched out her right leg, which was getting crampy, and yawned. ‘If he’d really wanted me to stay, he’d have shut up about the contract or found a way that we could have worked round it, but he didn’t.’
‘Well, neither did you,’ Caroline pointed out.
‘Yeah, but that’s what Vaughn does. He’s Solution Guy. I don’t do that, I can’t do that because—’
‘Your job is just to drift? Yeah, you said.’ Caroline’s voice was Sahara dry. ‘But maybe it’s up to you to find a way to make it work. He sounds like he doesn’t know his arse from his elbow.’
‘He really doesn’t. God, he just kept going on and on about the bloody contract and locking me in for another year. I just don’t get him. I never did, I suppose.’
Caroline made an impatient sound. ‘What’s to get? Of course he wants a watertight contract. From what you’ve said, he’s probably worried you’ll wake up one morning, come to your senses and get the hell out of there.’ Grace heard Caroline light a cigarette and exhale deeply. ‘I mean, he’s not exactly a catch, is he?’
‘He is!’ Grace said indignantly. ‘He’s handsome and he’s funny - well, sarcastic funny so sometimes you’re not quite sure if he’s joking - and he’s rich and good in bed and—’
‘—Divorced, has issues up the wazoo, addictions, serious commitment phobia,’ Caroline recited. ‘Why can’t you find a nice boy your own age?’
‘Have you
seen
the boys who are my own age? They’re pathetic and they walk around with their jeans slung so low, you can see their pants. Anyway, I don’t want anyone else, I just want Vaughn.’ It was good to finally say it, as if Grace said it out loud then maybe the universe would get the message and send him back to her. ‘I should probably go now. It’s really late.’
seen
the boys who are my own age? They’re pathetic and they walk around with their jeans slung so low, you can see their pants. Anyway, I don’t want anyone else, I just want Vaughn.’ It was good to finally say it, as if Grace said it out loud then maybe the universe would get the message and send him back to her. ‘I should probably go now. It’s really late.’
‘I’m not going to make any big demands, but next time I email you, you could always email me back,’ Caroline suggested. ‘Just to let me know how you are and whether Mum has reached a decision about the sandwiches at her wake re: crusts or no crusts.’
‘I might be coming to Australia for Fashion Week,’ Grace revealed casually. It wasn’t a done deal but Kiki seemed keen to pack her off as she said she couldn’t bear to look at Grace’s miserable face much longer. ‘If it happened I’d be working a lot, but y’know, we’d be on the same continent,’ she tailed off.
‘Well, let me know either way,’ Caroline said just as casually, but then she sighed. ‘It’s so good to hear from you, Gracie. If you ever need to talk, about Vaughn or anything, well, you know where I am. No pressure or anything. I know I haven’t been the greatest mother in the world, but we could be friends or work towards being friends.’
Grace put the phone down, her hand shaking slightly. She couldn’t even begin to sort out how she felt about maybe having Caroline back in her life as far as the odd email and phone call went. After finishing the bottle of wine, she concluded that it was a good thing, though she knew that she’d always have a momentary flash of panic when she saw Caroline’s name in her inbox. It was too late to do the mother/daughter bonding thing - Grace never even thought of herself as someone’s daughter - but you could never have too many friends. Or, and it was a big or, Caroline could be an honorary older sister - she seemed really adept at sniffing out Grace’s bullshit. And there was only one other person in the world who was able to do that.
Grace just wished that Caroline had been a little less effusive about Vaughn’s failings. And that she gave better advice, because how could she go to Vaughn now? She couldn’t. She’d walked out and she couldn’t walk back in. Not without a really big sign that let her know she’d be welcome, because Vaughn’s unpredictability was the most predictable thing about him.
So, it was stalemate. No way was she signing another one of his contracts. Even if it wasn’t an employment contract, it would be something that Vaughn had got his really expensive team of lawyers to draw up, and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from including a few sneaky clauses that would bite her on the arse later. He might have said that a contract would protect them from each other, but really it was something Vaughn could hide behind, rather than admit that a relationship was something he couldn’t control. That
she
was something he couldn’t control because he’d never really believe that Grace would want to be with him if the bottom fell out of the global art market and the only good time he could show her was a once-a-week trip to the cinema. There was no way Grace would be able to persuade him otherwise, and signing a contract would just confirm all of Vaughn’s worst suspicions. She was damned if she did and doubly damned if she didn’t because she still wouldn’t have Vaughn.
she
was something he couldn’t control because he’d never really believe that Grace would want to be with him if the bottom fell out of the global art market and the only good time he could show her was a once-a-week trip to the cinema. There was no way Grace would be able to persuade him otherwise, and signing a contract would just confirm all of Vaughn’s worst suspicions. She was damned if she did and doubly damned if she didn’t because she still wouldn’t have Vaughn.
It was time to think about a future that didn’t have Vaughn in it, but a one-bedroom flat in North Finchley with too many cats instead. Because Grace had no talent for coming up with cunning plans and she also had no follow-through and was too keen on big, dramatic gestures . . . and all of a sudden she knew exactly what she was going to spend her money on.
chapter forty-three
A couple of weeks later, Grace spent the last of her Barb money at Liberty’s on a little black dress, a pair of bright red tights and shoes that should have had
Fuck Me
stamped on their soles. With the last ten pounds, she took a cab over to Thirlestone Mews.
Fuck Me
stamped on their soles. With the last ten pounds, she took a cab over to Thirlestone Mews.
‘I’m here to see Vaughn,’ she said, when Piers answered the intercom. ‘It’s Grace.’
‘Hey Grace . . . I’m really sorry, um, but I don’t seem to have you on his schedule.’
‘Can you just tell Vaughn that I need to see him, Piers,’ Grace said sharply because she’d replayed this scene in her head again and again, and sitting on the doorstep hadn’t featured too highly.
‘He’s busy right now.’
Busy was better than not being there at all. ‘He said if I needed anything, I was to get in touch - so stop being difficult and let me in!’
Doubt was setting in fast because maybe that was what Vaughn had said to the others. It could be part of his boilerplate goodbye speech and not mean a thing.
Just then the door opened and Piers was standing there, all flustered and twitchy. ‘It’s good to see you, but you should have called first.’
‘Good to see you too.’
They eyed each other warily. Grace tried to look stern because she knew Piers would cave under pressure, but he was still barring her way. ‘He’s in a meeting.’
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