Unstoppable (18 page)

“It was who I was,” she said of her addiction to injuring herself.

In my travels I hear many similar stories, and they are very concerning. Mental health experts say people who harm themselves by cutting or bruising themselves generally are not trying to kill themselves, but too often they endanger themselves. It is a coping strategy, but it’s like putting a Band-Aid on a severed artery. Cutting doesn’t cure or fix the real problem. Those who practice self-harm usually are seeking relief from intense emotional pain that, in their distress, they feel they can’t escape any other way.

Terri and others say their urge to hurt themselves is an addiction because most get an immediate sensation of numbing or calming that makes them keep doing it, even though they know it is harmful. Often they would rather hurt themselves than do more pleasurable things.

The practice of cutting has been described as screaming without words.

Terri wrote of the torment that drove her to seek pain as a relief from overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. Fortunately, this young woman accepted help from a professional counselor. She stopped before the self-destructive urges led to her death.

Thanks to counseling and her own determination, Terri had not cut herself for a year and a half, but then urges began to plague her once more, she wrote. Again, her counselor helped her manage those potentially lethal impulses.

As part of the renewed treatment, the counselor told Terri my story and suggested she watch my videos. In her e-mail Terri wrote that my own journey put hers in perspective.

“If I have learned anything from Nick’s story, it is that no matter how hard life is, no matter how tempted I may be, I should be grateful. I should be grateful for the fact that I even have arms. I should be grateful that I have legs. I should be grateful for being able to type this with fingers. I should be grateful that I am able to feed, dress, and take care of myself with such ease,” Terri wrote.

“Why would I destroy such a precious gift that God gave me with such a horrible act?” she added.

Terri’s story was both scary and uplifting. It’s scary because her history of self-destructive urges was all too familiar. It’s uplifting because she wisely accepted professional counseling and followed expert advice that likely saved her life.

Still, I want to reach people like Terri before they do any harm to themselves or to those they love. I understand their mental anguish, but I know there are much better ways to deal with it than slashing their bodies to bring physical pain. When I contemplated and then attempted suicide as a boy, I was convinced that my feelings of despair were unique. I felt alone in my torment, but the frightening fact is that I was just one of countless hurting people around the world who consider, attempt, and succeed at harming themselves or ending their lives.

Because most cutting and other self-inflicted injuries are done in private, there are few in-depth statistical studies of self-harm, which can include scratching, biting, cutting, head banging, hair pulling, ingesting toxic materials, and burning oneself. One study of US college students found that 32 percent reported having engaged in these dangerous behaviors. Experts on self-harm estimate that 15 to 22 percent of all adolescents and young adults have intentionally injured themselves at least once.

The statistical records on attempted suicide and actual suicide are more readily available and even more alarming. Every year approximately one million people on this planet commit suicide. That amounts to one intentionally self-inflicted death every forty seconds. Suicide has become the third leading cause of death for fifteen- to twenty-four-year-olds, and the rate of suicides has increased 60 percent in the last forty-five years, according to the World Health Organization.

Just recently I spoke at a Washington, DC, high school where I asked students to close their eyes and then to raise their hands and close their fists if they had ever had suicidal thoughts. Nearly 75 percent of the eight hundred students indicated that they’d had such thoughts. I then asked them to leave their fists closed if they had actually attempted suicide. Nearly eighty students indicated that they had attempted to take their own lives. Isn’t that scary?

Those who are overwhelmed by suicidal urges often feel they have no purpose in life or that their lives are barren of meaning. They feel the future is without hope because of their pain, whether it’s due to a broken relationship, a medical issue, the loss of a loved one, or other challenges that seem insurmountable.

Each of us has unique burdens. I understand what it is like to lose hope. Even now, looking back on my own suicide attempt—as wrong as it was—I can understand the thinking of the despondent boy I was then. My lack of limbs wasn’t the problem; my lack of faith and hope triggered my despair.

Since I’d been born without arms or legs, I never missed them. I found ways to do most tasks on my own. I had a happy childhood of skateboarding, fishing, and playing “room soccer” with my brother and sister and many cousins. Sure, every now and then there would be unpleasant poking and prodding by doctors and therapists. Most of the time, though, I didn’t mind the favorable attention my unusual body brought. Sometimes even good things came of it. Australian newspapers and television stations did features on me, lauding my determined efforts to live without limits.

Bullying and hurtful remarks were rare until I reached an age when nearly all kids are subjected to similar torment on a playground, in a cafeteria, or on a bus. My self-destructive urges came when I lost faith and focused on what I could not do rather than what I could. I lost hope in the future because my vision was limited to what I could see instead of opening myself to what was possible—and even impossible.

No one should feel sorry for me. And no one should play down their own challenges by comparing them to mine. We all have problems and concerns. Comparing yours to mine may be helpful, but the real perspective
you should adopt is that God is bigger than any problems any of us might have. I’m grateful that Terri and other people find a fresh and more positive perspective on their lives by looking at mine for inspiration, but that is not what I’m all about.

First, although I lack a few items on the standard limb package, I’m having a ridiculously good life. In fact, my youthful self-acceptance and self-confidence did not begin to crumble until I began relentlessly comparing myself to my peers. Then, instead of taking pride in what I could do, I dwelled on those things my mates could do that were beyond my abilities. Instead of seeing myself as enabled, I saw myself as disabled. Instead of taking pride in my uniqueness, I yearned to be what I was not. My focus shifted. I felt worthless. I saw myself as a burden upon my family. My future seemed without hope.

Negative thoughts and emotions can overwhelm you and rob you of perspective. If you don’t shut them down, self-destruction can seem like the only escape because you can’t see another way out.

If I feel dead, why not make death a reality?

I can only stop the pain inside by causing pain on the outside!

A great many people have fleeting thoughts of suicide or self-harm. What will save your life in these situations is to shift your perspective from yourself to those you love, from the pain of right now to the greater possibilities of the future.

When self-destructive and suicidal thoughts torment you, I recommend putting faith in action, whether it is a faith that you will have better days and a better life, or faith that those who love you, including your Creator, will help you through this storm. Jesus said the thief comes to steal, to kill, and to destroy, but He comes that we may have life—a
more abundant
life.

My attempted suicide around the age of ten ended when my perspective shifted from my own despair to the emotional pain taking my life would cause my family and other loved ones. That shift, from myself to those I cared most about, took me off the path of self-destruction and sent me on a walk of faith. Your actions impact others. Consider how your self-destructive actions might affect those who love you, those who look up to you, and those who rely on you.

Darren wrote to our website saying he’d lost his job and a relationship and he’d experienced a financial crisis in just one year. Thoughts of suicide battered him night and day. He’d fought the negative self-destructive thoughts by watching my videos and by thinking about his children.

“I could not bear the thought of my kids growing up without me,” he wrote. He realized that every life is marked by struggles, “but all you have to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and know that life is good and will go on.”

Now, maybe you feel that no one cares about you. All I can say is that the One who created you cares so much that He has brought you this far. Don’t you want to see where the rest of the path leads? You may not have a strong spiritual background. You may not consider yourself a Christian. But as long as you are living and breathing, there is a possibility of better days ahead. As long as that possibility exists, you can put your faith in it and go from there, one day at a time.

Do you fear I’m offering you false hope? Consider that I’m writing this, my second book, without benefit of arms or legs! And consider, too, that I’m writing this as someone who just eighteen years ago tried to take his own life. Yet, today, I am incredibly blessed as a twenty-nine-year-old
man who travels the world to speak to millions of people, a man surrounded by love.

God sees the beauty and value of all His children. His love is the reason we are here, and that is something you should never forget. You can escape the hurt, the loneliness, and the fear. You are loved. You were created for a purpose, and over time it will be revealed to you. Know that where you feel weak, God will give you strength. All you have to do is put faith into action by reaching out to those who love you, those who want to help you, and most of all to your Creator by asking Him to come into your life.

Reject self-destructive thoughts. Shut them off. Replace them with positive messages or prayer. Let go of the bitterness and anger and hurt, and let God’s love into your heart. The spiritual realm is very real. The Bible says that, when we pray, angels come down from heaven and war for us against the principalities of darkness. This is Satan’s army trying to deceive you and destroy you with lies and those little voices of negativity. No need to be afraid, for God hears your prayers, and no name is more powerful than that of Jesus.

Some people may let you down, and it may seem that some even want to cause you harm. God won’t. He has a plan for you. It’s called salvation, and take it from me, it’s worth sticking around to see what He has in store for you both in this world and in heaven everlasting.

One problem I’ve seen with many people who are dealing with self-destructive thoughts is that they don’t trust that our God is a loving God. Somewhere they’ve come up with a view of God as a vengeful enforcer poised to strike down anyone who doesn’t follow His commandments. If
they’ve made mistakes or not lived a perfect life—whatever that is—they feel they will never be worthy of God’s love. That is not true! Our loving Father always stands ready to forgive you and to welcome you into His arms.

Jinny wrote to tell me she contemplated suicide because she did not feel God’s favor. She is not alone, especially among other South Koreans. Despite a thriving economy, her country’s suicide rate has doubled over the last decade, giving it the highest suicide rate among the industrialized countries.

Suicide is the leading cause of death among twenty- to forty-year-old South Koreans, and it is the fourth leading cause of death for all residents, behind cancer, stroke, and heart disease, according to news reports. Group suicides planned on the Internet are increasingly common. Recently it was reported that thirty-five South Koreans were taking their lives each day. Seventeen hundred committed suicide in one month (November 2008) as part of a wave of “sympathetic suicides” following that of a popular actress. That was followed by the highly publicized suicide of a former South Korean president who jumped off a cliff after leaving a note that he could not “fathom the countless agonies down the road.”

The stress of school and work is often cited as a factor in private conversations with South Koreans, but there are social taboos about admitting anything publicly. Seeking psychiatric counseling is also seen as an embarrassing admission to a flawed character.

I often speak in South Korea, China, Japan, and India about my experiences with suicidal urges because of the high rate of suicides in those countries. When I speak in those nations, individuals often tell me they feel alone and hopeless. They don’t seem to understand that God is forgiving and loving. Jinny wrote that she considered suicide many times “due to my
severe life. I believe that God is faithful, good, and generous to others, but not to me.” Jinny added she has “always failed [to kill herself] whatever I’ve tried. I thought God didn’t care about me, and that He was strict, cold, and stern to me.”

The Bible says over and over that we are to fear God, which doesn’t mean that we should cower in terror or hide from His wrath. Instead, it is a call for us to show Him respect and obedience while acknowledging His greatness. The Bible also says “God is love.” We should never forget that He loves us so much He sent His Son down from heaven to die on the cross. So while we should respect God, we should always remember that He loves us too.

He is waiting for you to let Him heal you. He does not have to heal you physically; He just has to heal your heart. He will give you peace, love, and joy. He hears your prayers, so keep praying. And remember that He may not answer your prayers the way you want, or at the time you want, but His grace is always sufficient.

When things in your life do not make sense, keep on praying. Ask God what He wants you to do, and let Him heal you on the inside. He understands that you and I are not perfect. We are works in progress, but we should let Him work within us.