Untamed (Vampire Awakenings, Book 3) (30 page)

She searched his face as he continued to
kneel before her. There was something in his demeanor that made her
think that she wasn't going to like what he had to say. But she was
the one insisting on full disclosure. "What is it?"

The bed indented as he sat beside her. His
body emitted heat that warmed her to the tips of her toes; her skin
began to tingle as his arm brushed against hers. It was the
strangest sensation to be afraid of someone and yet so unbelievably
attracted to them at the same time. No, she wasn't afraid of him,
that wasn't the right word. She was wary of him, unnerved by what
he was and the world that he existed in, but she knew he would
never harm her in anyway.

"There's something about vampires that is
unique only to us," he told her.

"Something more than drinking blood?"

He chuckled as he took hold of her hand and
held it in his lap. "Yes, something more."

"Please don't tell me you can turn into a bat
or something like that. I'm not so sure I can handle having slept
with someone that can become a rodent."

"We stay entirely human shaped," he assured
her.

"That's good to know. So what is this
uniqueness?"

His thumb stroked over the back of her hand.
"When we meet the person, or vampire, that we're meant to spend the
rest of our lives with, we form an intense bond with them, one that
cannot be severed. One that can drive us mad if we happen to lose
our mate or if the bond isn't completed."

Emma didn't know where he was going with all
of this. It seemed so strange but then again there was nothing
normal about him or his family. "And how is this bond
completed?"

"Sex and the exchange of blood, if one is a
human then it's necessary that they become a vampire too."

An unsettling feeling was beginning to form
in the pit of her stomach. Her hand tightened around his as she
struggled to continue to breathe normally, she knew he could hear
the increased beat of her heart and her palm was becoming sweaty.
"I see," she murmured.

"My mother and father are mated, so are
Isabelle and Stefan. My father nearly lost complete control of
himself before the bond with my mother was completed, Stefan and
Isabelle tried to stay apart but it almost killed her and it nearly
drove him insane. I've never seen anything like what Isabelle went
through while they were separated, she was in such agony and there
was nothing I could do to help her."

"That must have been awful," she
murmured.

His gaze was haunted as it came back to her.
"It was. I didn't understand it at the time, not completely, but I
understand it now."

Though she tried her hardest to keep it from
happening, her bottom lip began to tremble. "Ethan..."

"This is your choice Emma; I won't force you
into anything, ever. If you decide that this is not the life for
you, I will respect your wishes. I will make sure that you are safe
and I will go away."

"It can't be me," she whispered. "How could
you possibly think that I'm your mate in such a short amount of
time?"

"It
is
you
Emma; I have no doubt about that."

Her head spun as she tried to grasp what it
was that he was telling her. She felt the impulse to pace, almost
jumped up from the bed, but she didn't think her legs would support
her and she didn't feel like falling flat on her face so she
remained where she was.

"The bond between mates is so strong that
they can actually read each other's thoughts and communicate with
one another telepathically. The pathway between the minds is opened
when the bond is completed," he continued. "I don't expect a
decision from you now, but if you choose to come back to me, you
have to know what it is that you're getting into. If you come back
to me Emma there is no going back, not for me. This is
forever."

The urge to grab a paper bag and start
breathing into it filled her. She felt as if a tornado had just
picked her up and dumped her in the middle of a bunch of
munchkins.

"Oh crap." Those two words did absolutely
nothing to describe how she felt right now, but they just popped
out. "Why do you believe so strongly that I am your mate?"

He'd been trying so hard to keep his more
volatile side hidden from her, but now he may have to expose it.
She stared at him as he tried to think of a way to explain it to
her without frightening her even more. "Don't lie to me Ethan, if
there is even a small chance that all of this could work out, you
can't keep anything else from me. I'll never forgive you if you
do."

He leaned forward to press a kiss against her
forehead. "I won't lie to you and I'll never keep anything from you
again, but I don't want you to be frightened of me."

"Ethan I am well aware of the fact that you
could kill me before I even blink, believe me there's nothing you
could say that would be any more frightening than that
realization."

"I'm not so sure about that."

Those words were about the least reassuring
thing she'd ever heard. "Not telling me is scaring me even
more."

He leaned against her side. "This connection,
just the touch of you, it calms me in ways I never thought
possible. I'm not like my siblings Emma, they're easy going in ways
that I've never been before."

"But you've always seemed happy to me," Emma
said her tone revealing her confusion.

"Because of
you
, and I was happy with my life even if it was
stressful at times, but I'm different than they are. There's always
been something inside of me, something deadlier, something crueler
than what they are. I've fought for as long as I can remember to
keep my thirst and my impulse to kill under control."

He waited for her to recoil from him, to jump
up and run away, but she remained where she was and she didn't look
at all horrified by what he was telling her. For some reason that
made him feel as if he had to elaborate on his words, he
had
to make her understand what a
monster he was. She was going to get up and walk away when he was
done anyway, he might as well make it sooner rather than later.

"Killing is all I've
ever
desired and once I reached maturity, and
stopped aging, the urge to drive my fangs into someone's neck and
bathe in their blood has been a nearly constant battle for me."

Emma took a deep breath as she tried to
process his words. "But you've never done it before that man last
night?"

"No, he was my first but I've kept myself
away from humans because of that constant fear. You're the only
human I've ever been with Emma, the only one I've had extended
contact with in years. I didn't think it was possible for me to be
around a human for any length of time until I met you."

"Then maybe you're more like your siblings
than you thought."

Ethan lurched up from the bed and paced away
from her. "I'm not like them, they're good, and I'm twisted.
There's something
wrong
with
me."

"There's nothing wrong with you Ethan," she
whispered.

"If you knew some of the things I've done to
try and escape what is inside of me, you wouldn't think so," he
growled.

"But you've never killed anyone before
yesterday and you don't hurt people."

"Not anyone that didn't ask me to." The
widening of her eyes and her recoil from him was what he'd been
looking for. "I've inflicted pain on vampires that have asked me to
and I've asked them to do the same to me, in bed."

Emma's breath caught in her throat as his
words sank in. She leaned back as he returned to her and rested his
hands on either side of her. "There are things I've done to try and
make what is inside of me go away that would make you cringe. That
would make even the most diehard sadist cringe or perhaps it would
make them proud. We don't die Emma; we can go far beyond what any
human could in order to gain pleasure from the pain."

Emma swallowed heavily as she searched his
face. He was trying to push her away, she knew that, but no matter
how much he tried to convince her that he was unredeemable, she saw
the longing in his eyes. He expected her to run, expected her to
turn away from him and call him a monster just like he believed he
was, but no matter what he said he could never be a monster in her
eyes.

"I have been whipped so badly that the skin
on my back was completely gone. It took me hours to heal from it
and you know what I did? I got off on it, Emma. I've been chained
for hours, burned, branded and beaten to the point that I've had
broken bones and I got
off
on it
because I
enjoyed
it. I did the
same to the woman that asked me for it and I got enjoyment from
that
too."

"Stop," she whispered.

"Stop what?" he snarled as his eyes turned
red.

Emma thought a reasonable human would cringe
away from him; instead she tilted her chin and glared up at him.
"Stop trying to push me away!"

"Would you like to know what else I've
done?"

"No."

"But you want to know it all."

"That isn't you Ethan," she whispered.

"You don't know who I am."

"Don't I?" she retorted with defiance. Some
of his antagonism deflated as he studied her. Yes, she did know who
he was, more than anyone else she knew who he was, and she was
still sitting before him. "Whatever you did or whatever was done to
you, wasn't something you deserved no matter how much you believe
or believed it was. If I know anything it's that you can't be
trapped within your past, you'll only be buried within it if you
are, and if you allow that to happen Ethan then you
will
be lost."

"You're too good for me."

"I'm not perfect Ethan!" she snapped, her
patience fraying. "I don't understand what you're trying to do
here? Shock me into walking away, bring me closer, or prove some
kind of point. Why are you telling me this Ethan?"

He stared at her as he tried to figure out
the answer to her question. She had asked to know everything but
that wasn't why he was telling her this. He was telling her because
for once he was able to tell
some
one every awful detail that he'd been trying
to deny, been too ashamed to face, and fighting to keep buried
about himself. He could finally unburden himself and though he was
going about it in a bad way, he found that he
had
to get it out.

"Because I can," he admitted as some of his
anger faded away. "Because I can tell you things that I've never
told anyone, because I
have
to tell
you Emma. Because I've lived with this and fought this for so long,
but I was always so certain that one day I would lose the battle,
and be consumed by the power of death. Last night, with that man,
the voice inside promised that his death would bring me release, it
only made it so that I crave
more
,
and then you touch me. The driving bloodlust, the burning urge to
kill, it all just fades away and for the first time in my life I
have peace. You are my angel Emma but I'm a monster."

She was trying to let her mind rule over her
heart but those words drove her to her feet and to him before she
could stop herself. She wrapped her arms around his waist and
rested her head against his chest. "You're not a monster Ethan,
you're my hero, and though I'm so unbelievably confused and
uncertain right now, I do know that you're a better man than you're
giving yourself credit for. You
are
a good man Ethan, that's the whole reason you've never harmed
anyone that didn't deserve it, or didn't ask you for it."

Ethan was unable to believe that she was
willing to touch him after what he had just revealed. He stared
down at the top of her head before coming to his senses and
slipping his arms around her shoulders. It felt so unbelievably
good to be holding her again, and though he believed that she was
wrong when she told him he was a good man, he couldn't let her
go.

"You shut the world out," he whispered into
her hair.

"You can't shut the world out Ethan, that's
not living."

"You make it possible for me to live in the
world then." He was going to be her complete undoing, she realized.
It was so difficult to keep her distance when he was saying things
like that to her.

"I'm not entirely sure what this world is
anymore," she said with a small laugh.

"These past couple of days have been a lot
for you, I know, I'll give you time to decide what it is that you
want."

She forced herself to release him and take a
step back. His hands lingered on her shoulders before slipping
away, the minute the contact with him was lost his eyes took on
that reddish color. Emma shuddered as she searched his face. "I
don't understand. You said that your father was nearly driven mad,
that Isabelle almost died, and yet you would let me go?"

He rested his hand against her cheek. "The
only thing I care about is your safety and happiness Emma. If that
means I have to walk away then that is what I am going to do."

"And what will happen to you?"

"Don't worry about me."

Emma frowned as he turned away from her and
walked toward the door. "But I
do
worry about you. What will happen to you Ethan, will you go mad;
would you die?"

His shoulders hunched forward as he grabbed
hold of the door handle. "I will stay away from you."

It wasn't an answer to her question but she
didn't have time to press him on it as he opened the door and left
the room. Emma took a step after him as the door shut with a click
of finality that caused tears to form in her eyes. Everything
inside of her screamed to go after him but she remained unmoving as
his words continued to swirl through her mind.