Until Forever (Women of Prayer) (10 page)

He looked at her with tears in his eyes, unable to do anything more than nod his head. She continued on. “The Bible says that when the least of these gives his heart to the Lord, the angels rejoice. When your name was added to the Lamb’s book of Life, the angels literally had a whooping party. And here I am resentful, begrudging you the very salvation that God granted me so long ago on a day when I thought all hope was lost. I pray that I will never again forget the mercy and grace that I received at the hand of the Father. Oh, Mark, I am so sorry. I will stand by you in prayer and support. Jessi doesn’t know Jesus yet. I’m praying that changes very soon. Until she does, she is not going to be very open to you being in her life. I pray that you will be patient with her. She doesn’t know the heart of the Father like we do. She hasn’t realized that she needs his forgiveness. She blames him for Ethan’s death almost as much as she blames herself, and yet she still finds herself unworthy of his love, and therefore she rejects him to keep from being hurt again. She looks at the possibility of a relationship with him like she would an earthly relationship. Those have all added up to pain for her. Every man who has ever been in her life has rejected her. I know that causes you pain, and I’m sorry for that. But I’m also sure you have come to terms with it. That’s also how she looks at a relationship with God. As if the Father would ever turn his back on her. She doesn’t realize how precious she is to him. I’m trusting that someday she will. I have God’s promise on that.”

Mark too had felt peace regarding Jessi’s faith. “I too know that someday she will reach out and ask for the forgiveness that God offers. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later. I know God is going to use me somehow in all of this. He made that painfully clear to me when he let me know in no uncertain terms that I had to come here to speak with her. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do or say. Does he always work this way? Give little glimpses into his plans but never let you in on the whole thing?” Mark went on, not giving Merry a chance to answer. “I know one thing for sure: he sure is growing my patience. Each time I’m not sure I can take anymore, I remember the words that my chaplain spoke to me the day I got out of prison: ‘Take one day at a time, Mark. One day at a time.’” With that, he stood to go. “I would appreciate any and all the help you can give me, Merry. I treasure your prayers, and I value the wisdom of your words. I also understand your feelings about me in the beginning. I know you were honest about your reaction to me, and I appreciate that. I wouldn’t have expected anything less. I also forgive you. Not because I believe you have anything to be forgiven for—I deserved everything I got—but because you asked for it. I respect you enough to give you what you ask. I too ask for your forgiveness. I have much more to be forgiven for.”

Merry smiled and embraced Mark. “I forgive you, Mark. That much I can do. Forgive as the Father has forgiven me.”

He turned as he walked down the front steps. “I’ll be back every day until she speaks with me. I will be persistent about this. Tell her that for me, would you?”

She gave a slight nod as her assent, and he turned and walked away from what was to be the first of many visits to her home.

Chapter 11

After Mark left, Merry spent the rest of the afternoon on the phone with her prayer group. She asked for each member to be in prayer today, as she would have to speak with Jessi as soon as she got home from her visit with her mother. She had taken Olivia to see her grandmother for the day and would be back this evening before Olivia’s bedtime. After Jessi put Olivia to bed, she would have to tell her about Mark’s visit, and she was afraid it would send her back to Wisconsin as fast as she could get there. Mark did not know about Olivia, and Jessi would do anything to keep it that way. Once she was sure all the ladies were praying, she sat on her back porch and read her Bible and prayed. Even though she knew a major storm was about to hit, she felt as if she were in its eye. It was a strange but peaceful feeling knowing that God was in control of the storms. She was still there when she heard the car pull up. She went to the front door and opened it for Jessi, who was carrying a sleeping Olivia.

“I see we have a sleeping beauty on our hands. A rough day?”

Jessi grinned. “Well, kind of. You know how Mom can be—absent most of your life, but when she decides to play the part she goes to the nines to make an impression. How long has it been since she’s even contacted Olivia, let alone seen her? I just don’t get her, Aunt Merry. Doesn’t she understand that Olivia would just like her grandmother in her life? She would benefit from the relationship too, even though she doesn’t seem to think so. I thought things would get better since she stayed by my side at the hospital. I guess I was wrong.”

Aunt Merry followed her while she carried Olivia to her bed and got her changed and tucked in. “Well, sweetheart, you know your mother as well, if not better than, I do. She has been this way since you were a little girl. That’s why you had a bedroom upstairs at our house and a playhouse out back to play in. She gave you life and felt as if she had done her part as a mother. That was all she was willing to give. And I’m guessing she was feeling guilty today, like she did on a regular basis when you were small. I take it she was overdoing it a bit?”

“You wouldn’t believe it, Aunt Merry. We went shopping, out to lunch, to the zoo, and then out to supper. I put my foot down when she suggested a movie after dinner. I suggested we go back to her house, where she could get to know her granddaughter a little bit. She reluctantly agreed, and when we did get back to her house she didn’t even know what to say or how to act. Next year I don’t think I am going to call her when we come. I just hate to rob Olivia of a relationship with her grandmother. You and I are the only family Olivia has. She needs more, Aunt Merry. She needs more.”

“Well, why don’t we head downstairs and have a cup of tea. There’s something I need to talk with you about, and it has to do with exactly that.” Aunt Merry prayed as she headed downstairs.

Father, please give me wisdom with what I’m about to say. Be my lips, Lord, and speak for me. Guide me, Father. I don’t want to hurt this child that I love so much. Prepare her heart, Lord, so she is open to what she is about to hear.

Merry put the tea kettle on to boil and took two cups down from the kitchen cupboard. She was purposefully slow at her tasks. She added a tea bag to each cup, along with a teaspoon of sugar. She and Jessi had shared so many cups of tea over the years that she didn’t have to ask what Jessi wanted. She added the milk once the tea bag had steeped for a minute, carried the tea to the table, and sat down at the table with Jessi.

“Honey, I’m not going to pull any punches with you here, and you are not going to like what I’m about to tell you, but I don’t have any choice. Mark came by the house today.”

Jessi stood up and sucked in a sharp breath. “I have to go, Aunt Merry. I have to go tonight. He can’t find out about Olivia. He’ll hurt her. I know he will.” Jessi was starting to panic. She was moving her feet but retracing her steps, trying to make sense of all the thoughts that were flooding her mind. “I didn’t even know he was out of prison. I thought he had another year. When did he get out?” She didn’t expect an answer; she didn’t even realize she was speaking out loud.

Aunt Merry stood up and faced her niece. “Look at me, Jessi.” She took Jessi’s face in her hands and turned it so they were looking eye to eye. “We need to sit down and discuss this calmly. You can’t be waking that baby up and taking off and driving in the middle of the night. First of all, you’re too tired to drive all night, and you’d be putting yourself and Olivia at risk. I know that’s something that you don’t want to be doing. Second, he doesn’t even know Olivia exists. He hasn’t seen her, and I certainly didn’t tell him about her. All he wants is to talk with you. Talk with him. Let him tell you he is sorry, and then you and Olivia can disappear. If you don’t talk with him now, he will find you. He told me to tell you he won’t give up. At least if you talk with him now, it will be on your terms. You can set the time and place. If you wait until he finds you, he might find Olivia first. Is that a chance you are willing to take? Do you want him asking questions about Olivia? One look at her, and he’ll know she is his. This is the best way, Jessi. Think about it.”

Jessi sat back down, closed her eyes, and put her head in her hands. “Oh my gosh, you are right. What am I going to do? I can’t do this Aunt Merry. What did he say? What does he want?”

“That’s the first thing I asked him, honey. He said he only wants to talk with you. That’s it.”

“About what? Why does he want to talk with me after all this time?”

Merry took a sip of her tea before answering. “Well, I think he may have wanted to speak with you for quite a while now. You never once opened one of his letters to see what he had to say, and you sent them all back. I’m thinking that may have been a mistake, but there is nothing we can do about it now. You will have to face him, Jessi. It’s the only way he’s ever going to leave you alone. You have no choice but to meet with him. It’s the only way.”

Jessi kissed her aunt good night and went upstairs. She went into Olivia’s room and knelt beside her bed. She watched her daughter as she slept. Nothing could ever take this child away from her. She wouldn’t allow it. She would protect her with all she had as long as she lived and breathed. She kissed her lightly on the cheek before heading into her own room. She didn’t like the idea of meeting with Mark, but she could see the logic in what Aunt Merry was saying. She could always count on the wisdom of her aunt. Her first response would have been to run. Run fast and run far. But Aunt Merry was right. He would have found her, and when he did, he would find Olivia. She had to be smart about this. She had to think.

Jessi sat in her sitting area with only the moonlight shining through the open window for light. She would have to call the prison to find out where he was living. She would start there. She couldn’t imagine they wouldn’t know, but if they didn’t, she would contact his sister. If he was out of prison, surely he would be in touch with her. Even with his drinking problems, the two of them had remained close. She could never understand why. During his trial, Julia had been there to support him. Each day Jessi slipped into the back of the courtroom to make sure Mark paid for his actions. She didn’t want to face him, so she left before he could see her. Once, during a break, she had come face-to-face with Julia. Julia gave her a hug and told her she was sorry, and she wasn’t there to try to keep Mark from going to prison. She knew he deserved what punishment he received. She just wanted him to know that someone loved him unconditionally. Mark needed to know that someone still cared about him, even though he’d messed up. Jessi had never understood Julia’s way of thinking.

After coming up with a plan of action, Jessi stretched and went to bed. She had decided to get up early the next morning and go running. It was something she hadn’t done in a while but used to do when she was stressed out about something and needed to think. She curled up in bed and eventually drifted off into a sleep that was full of dreams and nightmares. She woke up only once, though she tossed and turned most of the night. She arose at seven the next morning feeling as if she had gotten no sleep at all. She was out the door by seven thirty, running as if her life depended on it. She never would have guessed that her ex-husband had become an early morning person himself and was at that moment on his way to see her. If she had, instead of running, she would have been driving far from where she was, with her daughter safely strapped in the backseat.

Chapter 12

Mark knocked on Merry’s front door at quarter to eight. He had an interview at ten, and it would take him a good forty-five minutes to get across town by bus, so he’d had to start early. A little girl rubbing her eyes came to the front door and said hello.

There was something about this little girl that had been bugging him since he had seen her the first time unloading the luggage from the car. Up close, he knew exactly what it was. She looked just like him. This was his daughter. She had to be. He could see it as plain as day. “Is your mommy home?” he tested her.

“No, she went running. I saw her leave a little while ago. She didn’t know I was up,” Olivia spoke through the screen.

At that moment Mark heard the back door slam. Aunt Merry must have been out in the backyard. The child must have just come down from sleeping. When he saw the expression on Aunt Merry’s face, he knew he was right. She was his. This was the reason Jessi had moved away. She didn’t want him knowing about his daughter. Even though he was disappointed, he couldn’t blame her. In her eyes, he would have no rights to a child. Not after Ethan.

When Aunt Merry reached the door, she simply said, “Oh, my.”