Until I Love Again (27 page)

Ralph's mournful gaze followed them on their walk toward the car. Joey opened and closed the car door for Susanna before he climbed in himself. Ralph stood at the same spot when Joey glanced over his shoulder. Susanna didn't look back as Joey started the car and drove out of the lane.

“You did the right thing,” Joey assured her. “I'm once again glad
I stopped by. I struggled with the decision and wondered if it was the right thing to do, but when you came out on the porch all the fog cleared away.”

Susanna tried to smile. “I sort of feel like I'm sliding down a long chute to who knows where. I can't stop, and soon there won't be any going back. In fact, I may already have passed that point. This can't go on, you know. I've shattered
Daett
's confidence in me and the confidence I had in myself. Oh, Joey.” Susanna reached for his hand. “What am I going to do?”

“You're going home with me right now,” Joey said. “That always seems to help.”

“You are a godsend,” Susanna whispered, and a wisp of a smile formed on her face. “You seem to know what needs to be said at all the right times.”

Joey smiled. “I'm glad to help, although I don't think your father thinks I'm much of a help.”

Susanna's face clouded. “No, but you are to me.”

“And that's all that matters to me,” Joey said with a grin.

“Joey, can I change my mind?” Susanna asked. “Instead of going to your house, can we go down to the river in Heuvelton for a while and sit along the water's edge?”

“Your wish is my command,” Joey said.

Susanna's slight smile turned into a beam of light. “That would be perfect. What better music than the Lord's very own water falling over the rocks? If there's time, maybe we can go by your house afterward.”

“That sounds like a plan,” Joey said, and silence fell in the car as they approached the outskirts of the Heuvelton.

Minutes later, Joey pulled into the parking lot by the riverbank. Susanna took in the view through the car window. “You first brought me here all those months ago when this whole affair began.
Neither of us knew how tangled the web would become. To you, I looked Amish—but I wasn't really. How could you be my friend? Back then and even now?”

“Do you really need to ask?” Joey answered as he climbed out of the car to open her door. “Here's your answer.” He took her hand in his and led her to the river's edge, where they sat on a log. The murmur of water filled the air, and the smell of spring blossoms drifted over them. They had come to the right place from the look on Susanna's face. She seemed lost in her thoughts, but peace was finally written on her face.

Moments later she spoke. “Thanks for bringing me here. It's so peaceful and so right somehow. I don't know how to say it. I wish our lives were like this, perfectly in harmony with how the Lord made things. But I don't think my life will ever be right again. I don't see how it can, regardless of what choice I make.”

“I don't agree,” Joey protested. “I've told you before, I have confidence in you. You will make the right choice.”

Susanna shook her head. “You don't really know who I am, Joey. I'm half this and half that. I don't think you can really understand how I'm torn between two worlds.”

Joey didn't protest this time. She was right. He couldn't know her pain. He didn't understand what it was like to have his affections torn in two directions. But he could see how Susanna was attracted to the life of the community and how she loved her father.

“Do you think I could make a go of it in your world?” Susanna glanced at him. “If I jumped the fence, as we call it?”

Joey didn't hesitate. “Yes. I have no doubts you could make it. You have a brain, you have plenty of talent, and you're beautiful.”

Susanna blushed and looked away.

Joey wanted to continue. He wanted to tell her how gorgeous she would be in a proper dress, with her hair done by his mother's
stylist—but that might confuse her more. She might be ready someday, but not yet.

“Despite my
rumspringa
, I really don't understand your world,” Susanna said. “I understand the Amish world.”

“You could learn,” he offered. “It would come naturally with time.”

Susanna winced. “Do you mean it would come naturally because of my birth mother?”

Joey shook his head. “No, but you really mustn't be angry with your mother, Susanna. She gave you life, and she must have loved your father. Things might have been different if she hadn't passed. No doubt she would have raised you in her world, and—”

“So do you think I'd be better off if I had never been Amish?”

Joey hurried on. “I don't deal in might-have-beens. Things are what they are. What I'm saying is that your mother loved you, and she still would love you—the way your father does. That would be true whatever your choice is.”

“Whatever my choice is?” Susanna looked away.

“Yes, whatever your choice is,” Joey said, slowly wrapping his arm around her shoulder to pull her close. She winced at first but then settled back.

They clung to each other as the moments ticked past, with only the sounds of the river before them and the town behind them.

“That was the best answer I was given in a long time,” Susanna finally said.

Joey smiled and stood to his feet. “Shall we stop in at my parents for a few minutes to say hi and then get you back home?”

Susanna nodded and followed him back to the car.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

O
n Sunday morning, Susanna kept her head down as she entered Deacon Herman's home before the start of the service. Several of the women stared at her as she walked past. They all knew of her escapade this past week, but what would happen with her was the question.
Daett
had been tight-lipped last night after she defied him again and spent the afternoon with Joey. Clearly this had to end soon.
Daett
had gone somewhere for at least two hours after she came back. When
Daett
returned, his face showed his sorrow, written in long lines on his weather-beaten brow. That she had caused the agony in
Daett
's heart tore at her own. Yet her time with Joey had been important. She needed to be with him yesterday. Where their relationship would go from there she didn't know. Joey hadn't pressured her about the future, nor would he.

When he had dropped her off after the stop at his parents' place, he had just given her a brief hug and said, “Thanks for a great afternoon. I'm so glad you agreed to come with me.”

The tears had slipped down her cheeks, and she had stood frozen to the ground until Joey had said, “You'd better go in now. Just remember to let me know if you need anything.”

Joey understood her in a way that baffled her mind and ripped at her heart all at the same time. Only
Daett
's love had ever gotten this close to her, but Joey was only a friend. She had kept that refrain firmly fixed in her mind all last night.
He's a friend…he's a friend… he's a friend
.

Joey couldn't become more to her. How could he? Beyond that question was how to handle her
daett
without hurting him more. If he had yelled at her last night or brought Ernest Helmuth back with him to lecture her, perhaps she'd have felt better this morning. But
Daett
hadn't. His distress had only grown deeper.

“
Daett
still loves me,” Susanna whispered to herself. She chose a spot in the back corner of the kitchen to hide, but she forced herself to look up when the unmarried women began to form a line and enter the living room. Someone touched her on the elbow, and Emma's sober face was bent close to hers.

“I'm sorry about all this,” Emma whispered. “Maybe I didn't do the right thing after all.”

“It's okay,” Susanna whispered back.

Deacon Herman's
frau
, Rebecca, glanced at them, and Emma fell silent. Susanna tried to give Rebecca a smile, but the effort was weak. At least Rebecca had a friendly look in her eyes, so perhaps Deacon Herman had not turned against her. How that was possible, she didn't know. The deacon had to enforce the church
ordnung
, and she had violated plenty of those rules since her last baptismal class.
Daett
must have gone to Deacon Herman's place last night, if for no other reason than to clear his own name. What she had done could not be hidden even if
Daett
had wanted it to be.

The line of unmarried girls moved toward the living room doorway, and Emma squeezed Susanna's hand before they entered and the men could see them. Susanna squeezed back but kept her gaze fixed on the hardwood floor. Moments later she had to look up
to maneuver around the benches, and the blaze of Ernest's anger from across the room pierced her. Susanna winced and hurried on. Emma had turned bright red, so she must have noticed Ernest's look as well. Apparently Emma also considered herself the object of Ernest's outrage.

Susanna didn't look up when the first song number was given out. She would have to stand soon, and she needed all the strength she could muster. The song began, and on the second line, Bishop Enos rose to his feet. He slowly led the line of ministers upstairs. Out of the corner of her eye, Susanna saw the men from the baptismal class get to their feet one by one. She waited until Emma moved and then followed her. With downcast eyes, they both made their way across the room. Susanna caught another glimpse of Ernest. His eyes were still blazing, but a touch of sadness was now written on his face. Ernest must know he was losing her. The man thought he was in love with her, but when Susanna compared Joey's tender looks from yesterday with Ernest's this morning, Ernest stood no chance—even if Joey was only her friend. But what unholy thoughts to have on her way to the baptismal class! This must stop! Maybe she should confess everything to Bishop Enos once they reached the room upstairs. The problem was that she wasn't sorry. Not sorry at all.

A sigh escaped Susanna's lips. Emma didn't seem to notice as she led the way into the bedroom. The men were already seated across from the ministers on one side of the room, leaving two chairs open for them. Emma tucked her dress in and sat down. Susanna did the same, her gaze glued on the floor. That was the proper reaction for an Amish girl. Now if she could only repent.

Bishop Enos spoke first. “
Goot
morning to all of you on this Lord's day. We are thankful for another night's sleep in which we could rest our weary bones.” Bishop Enos paused to chuckle and rub his knees. “There's not much left but bones in these legs, but
let me keep on the subject.” Several of the ministers joined in the bishop's laughter. Emma didn't smile, and Susanna couldn't crack a smile if she tried.

Susanna forced herself to look up when Bishop Enos continued. “Anyway, we are here, and another day is upon us. I pray we can live it in a manner that pleases the Lord. I also hope that we can worship Him in the beauty of holiness.”

A chorus of “amens” came from the ministers.

Bishop Enos nodded and waited a moment. “Apparently we have some issues which must be resolved along those lines. Deacon Herman informs me that two of our baptismal applicants have strayed from the straight and narrow road and must be called back to the Lord's will.” A deep silence filled the room as Bishop Enos paused. No one moved a muscle. Bishop Enos cleared his throat before he began again. “I am, of course, deeply sorrowed by this report. What a tangled web we do weave, as the
Englisha
poet once said. I had hoped all of you would take this time to learn more deeply of the Lord's ways and the community's ways, but this apparently is not the case.” Bishop Enos's gaze drifted down the line of baptismal candidates and came to rest on Susanna's face.

Hot streaks of fire ran up her neck. Shame filled her heart, but no words would come. The bishop didn't expect any—at least not yet.

“It seems Susanna Miller is the most grievous transgressor,” Bishop Enos said. “I had hoped better things from Ralph's daughter, but I guess one never knows what lies in the heart until it is tested.”