Until I Saw Your Smile (39 page)

She is definitely heating up. I need to cool her off.
“We're working on that, aren't we?” Matthew said softly, rubbing her leg. “You're getting there. One step at a—”

“Don't keep
fucking
saying that!” she shouted. “I can't fucking stand that! One step at a time. It's fucking bullshit!”

Matthew lifted his hand off her leg.
That didn't work.

“I am going nowhere, Matthew!” she shouted, tears forming in her eyes. “I'm
not
getting better. Speed-walking around Williamsburg is
not
going to cure me. I
hate
going for walks as if I'm some sort of dog. I think the only reason you try to get me out of here is to scare the living
shit
out of me so you can play the hero when we get back.”

“That's not it at all, Angela,” Matthew said. “What you're saying is—”

“Crazy?” Angela interrupted. “Go ahead and say it. Say, ‘Angela, you're fucking crazy.' ”

“Angela, I will never say that,” Matthew said.

She started rocking back and forth. “I'm as useless as a wooden frying pan, Matthew. Admit it!”

“Angela, that's not true,” Matthew said. “I need you.”

“No, you
fucking
don't.” She took a deep breath. “I want you to go.”

She pointed to the window. “Go find your mongrel bitch in heat! She's out there running the streets you like so much! She's waiting for you!”

“No,” Matthew said softly.

She threw back the covers and jumped out of the bed, pointing into the kitchen. “Leave! Return all those phone calls! You know you want to, and don't try to lie! Victoria will show you the
view!
Monique will let you use her
entire
condom collection! Mary will do you while she's praying! Allison will relapse, and you can do
whatever
you want with her drunk ass!”

“I'm not leaving,” Matthew said, trying to stay calm.

“Get the
fuck
out of here!” Angela shouted.

“No,” he said softly. “You're stuck with me. I'm not leaving.”

Angela's eyes filled with tears. “I've got
nothing
to offer you, Matthew!”

Do I dare touch her? Not yet. She's still on fire.
“You have everything I need, and you even have things I didn't know I needed.”

“I'm nothing!” Angela shouted. “I'm less than nothing! I can't even walk two blocks without getting scared of every man passing us or every man leaning up against a building or the sound of a strange man's voice. All a man has to do is clear his throat and I want to start running in the opposite direction. I try so hard to swallow my fear until we get back, and sometimes I nearly vomit my guts out.”

Matthew took one of her hands in his. “We'll be walking everywhere together soon. You'll see.”

Angela wrenched her hand from his and walked to the window. “Don't you wish I was normal?”

“You are by far the most normal woman I've ever met,” Matthew said.

She spread out her arms. “
This isn't normal! None of this is fucking normal!
”

“No, it isn't,” Matthew whispered. “It's extraordinary, and I love you.”

“I am
not
normal, Matthew!” Angela shouted.

“I am out of my mind! I have nothing to offer—” She blinked. “What did you say?”

She did hear me. Even said softly, those are three powerful words.
“I said, what we have is extraordinary, and I love you.”

Angela's jaw quivered, her eyes blinking.

“I love you, Angela.” He smiled. “I really do.”

Angela paced beside the bed. “Why? How?
How
can you love me? I'm crazy. I'm damaged. And you still have women blowing up your phone and flirting right in front of me. You could have any woman in the world.”

“That's not true,” Matthew said. “The only woman in the world I want is you.”

Angela stopped pacing. “But why? Why do you love
me?
I am a lost cause!”

He rose and stood beside her, wanting to hold her so badly. “I love you because the air tastes sweeter around you.”

She looked briefly into his eyes.

“It does,” he said. “The air around you has a taste. The air has weight around you. I can swallow it. It nourishes me. I breathe easier around you. I love you for that.”

“But you can't,” Angela said.

Matthew ignored her. “I love you because I haven't smiled so much in my entire life. Life, my life, is sweeter because of you. I love
you
. I love you the way you are.” He rubbed the backs of her arms. “I even love you right this moment.”

“As messed up as I am,” Angela said.

He gently turned her around and took her hands. “As
wonderful
and
incredible
as you are. When I look at you or talk to you or simply hold you, I'm happy, truly, unbelievably happy. I've
never
been this content. I love you and want you and need you. I have never said any of this to anyone ever. Please don't ever ask me to leave you again. I am going to be with you for better or worse.”

Angela looked at the floor. “As long as I don't get worser, right?” she whispered.

He stepped closer. “I think you're getting better.”

Angela stepped back, pulling her hands away from him. “You think
this
is an improvement? I just screamed my guts out at you. I just told you to go hook up with your dates from hell. I just accused you of wanting to sleep with Felisa.” She turned away. “I saw you looking at her, and I . . . I started thinking so many . . . horrible things. I have to be crazy.”

“Jealousy is something most sane people feel at one time or other. Jealousy is normal.”
I can't see her eyes.
“Please look at me.”

Angela turned slowly. “I'm surprised you want me to. I am an emotional wreck.”

Matthew smiled and caressed her face with his fingertips. “You're
definitely
not emotionally
detached
now. Numb Angela has left the building, and fiery, passionate Angela is in this room. I like this woman very much.”

“You can't like me,” Angela said.

“I do. Don't you see what's happening?” He held her face. “Angela, you're coming out of your shell. You're loosening your armor. You're becoming wild and untamed, and it's very sexy.” He pushed his fingers through her hair. “Your hair is a mess for the first time probably ever. I like it. I'm always worried I'll mess up your hair, and here it is already messed up, so if I feel like doing this . . .” He ran his fingers through her hair from her forehead to her neck. “I won't feel so bad. You also dropped the F-bomb several times. And the shouting, though quite loud, is filled with fire. It's quite a turn-on.”

Angela blinked. “My anger and frustration arouses you?”

“Your
passion
arouses me,” Matthew said. “I'm hoping that you will tackle me and make passionate love to my helpless body.”

Angela laughed slightly. “You'll never be helpless.”

“Nor will you,” he said. “Nor
are
you.” He slid his hands around her waist. “Nor will you ever be.”

Angela buried her head into Matthew's chest and wept.

“I won't let go of you,” he whispered. “I'm never letting go of you.”

He guided her to the bed, where he sat, settled Angela into his lap, and let her body shake and her tears soak his shirt for several minutes.

“I'm sorry I yelled at you,” Angela said, wiping at her eyes. “I'm a little insecure, huh?”

“Just a wee bit,” Matthew said. “But you have no reason to be. I'm yours.”

“I'm stuck with you,” Angela said.

“Yes.”

Angela looked at the bed. “Okay.” She closed her eyes. “I've made a decision.” She opened her eyes. “And I'm scared.”

“I'm right here,” Matthew said.

“I want to sleep with my back to you again,” Angela said, “only this time I'm not going to look back. I was up most of the other night checking to see if you were still there. No, that's not true. I was looking back to make sure it
was
you.”

“What exactly do you feel when someone is behind you?” Matthew asked.

“I feel like I'm being hunted, I guess,” Angela whispered. “I hunch up my shoulders and drop my head lower as if I'm trying to make myself smaller or something, to make myself harder to see.”

“And I can't stop looking around.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “It's why my neck and shoulders get so sore. I'm constantly watching my own back.”

He laid her down on her side. “Let me watch your back for a while.” He slid in behind her.

Angela instantly looked back.

“Hi,” he whispered. “Do you come here often? My name is Matthew. What's yours?”

Angela sighed. “This is hard for me.”

“It's only me, Angela.”

“I know.” She turned her head toward the window and backed her booty into him.

“I like this view,” Matthew whispered.

“I don't.” She began to breathe heavily. “Maybe some other time.” She flipped onto her back. “I know, I know. It's stupid.” She pounded the bed with her fists. “I'm sorry. I just have to be able to see your eyes so I know it's you.”

Matthew rubbed her stomach. “You know, if we had a mirror, we could set it up against that wall, and you would see me any time you opened your eyes.”

Angela sat up. “I think there's one on the back of my parents' door. My mama used to get dressed in front of it.”

“One mirror coming up,” he said. “I'll be back in a sec.”

Matthew rushed to the other bedroom door, which complained with a harsh creak as it opened to a room covered in a layer of dust.

The room had a larger bed, a small couch at its foot, a massive twelve-drawer dresser, and two wingback chairs in front of a broad window facing another part of the alley. After Matthew looked behind the door and found the rectangular mirror, he turned the top two clips to the side and slid the mirror free.

He carried it into Angela's bedroom and propped it up next to the window. “How's that?”

“Get beside me,” she whispered.

He jumped into the bed, resting his cheek on hers.

“Move it to the right some,” she said.

He adjusted the mirror and returned to her side. “Can you see my eyes?” he whispered.

“Yes.” Her breathing slowed substantially. “Hi.”

“Hi. You're kinda cute.”

She reached her left arm up to caress his face. “I like you behind me.”

“May I kiss on you while you watch?” Matthew asked.

Angela smiled. “Yes.”

Matthew kissed the top and sides of her head. He kissed her left ear, left cheek, and the left side of her neck.

“You still watching?” Matthew whispered.

“Yes,” Angela whispered.

He pulled up her shirt, exposing her breasts and kissed her side, her breast, and her stomach.

“Can you still see me?” Matthew asked as he kissed her hip.

“Yes.”

Matthew looked at Angela's eyes in the mirror. “I don't remember your eyes sparkling like that. You look dreamy. Are you relaxed?”

“Yes and no. You missed a spot.” She pressed back with her booty.

“Hmm,” Matthew said. “You'll have to turn onto your stomach for me.”

Angela turned onto her stomach, her head facing the mirror. “Like this?”

So eager.
“Yes.”

Matthew tugged at the elastic of her underwear. “You still watching?”

Angela nodded.

He smoothly removed her underwear, kissing down her booty and legs as he did.

“You're wearing too many clothes,” Angela whispered.

Matthew set a personal record for disrobing. “Is this better?”

“Much better,” she said. “You still missed a spot.”

He kissed each cheek of her booty. “Did I get it that time?”

“No.”

“You want to see me kiss your ass,” Matthew said.

Angela nodded.

Matthew started at the top of her booty, gripping her firm flesh, and worked his way down, in between, and under. Angela raised her hips, and he ran his tongue to her clitoris.

“Oh shit,” Angela sighed.

Matthew moved up the bed. “Are you okay?”

Angela lowered her hips. “Yes. That was . . .” She seemed to shiver. “Go back.”

He rubbed her back. “You want me to finish the job.”

“Well, um, stay here for a second.” She smiled at him in the mirror. “Is this what you see when you watch me sleep?”

“I don't see myself at all,” Matthew said. “I only see you.”

“I see
us.
I like this mirror.” She turned onto her back. “I want to watch you kissing me other places.”

“Only if I can use my tongue, too,” Matthew whispered.

She sighed. “You better.”