Until Lilly (5 page)

Chapter 2

Lilly

What the hell just happened?
I look in the rearview mirror to see Ashlyn trying to see out the back window. I never in a million years thought I would see Cash again, let alone see him when I have Ashlyn with me and he has his son. I want to puke. He had asked why I was being so cool about this; honestly, I might have been cool on the outside, but on the inside, I was freaking right the fuck out. All I’d wanted to do was pick Ashlyn up, run out of there, and get as far away from him as I could.

“Mommy
, was that really my daddy?” Oh, God, I never thought I would be having this conversation. I considered that maybe when she got older she might look for him, but I never thought that I would have to find a way to explain to my almost-three-year-old something that I didn’t even understand.

“Yeah
, love, that was your daddy.” I silently pray that she falls asleep and doesn’t have any more questions. Hell, this would be so much easier if she was still a baby. She doesn’t say anything else the whole way home. My mind is going over millions of scenarios, some of them involving packing up and taking off back to Alaska to the comfort of my parents, but I know I can’t do that. The look on Cash’s face when he saw Ashlyn and realized who she is was , just broke my heart. And then, when I looked in his eyes when he told me that he didn’t send those messages, all I saw was honesty.
He didn’t want to admit he was married
, I remind myself.

When I pull up in front of our apartment building
, I look back and see Ashlyn asleep. I grab our bags and unhook her, pulling her out of the car. I slam the door and make my way up the two sets of outside stairs, and once I reach the door, I juggle her and our bags so that we can get inside. The first thing I do is drop our bags to the floor and go lay her down in her bed, pulling off her shoes and making sure her doll is where she can see it when she wakes up. I pull a blanket over her and make my way to the kitchen, where I pull out a bottle of moscato from my fridge, pop the cork, and fill my wine glass half-full. I down the contents, then refill the glass.

I walk to the living room and sit down on my secondhand couch
, looking around our small two-bedroom apartment. It’s not much, but it’s what I could afford from the money I saved working over the past few summers in a fish processing plant. Most of our furniture is used, but in good condition; the only things that I bought new were our beds. When we moved from Alaska, I didn’t want to pay for shipping everything, so we came with our clothes and what could fit in suitcases. I wonder what Cash will say about our home. My stomach starts to turn when thoughts of him trying to take Ashlyn from me fill my head. My phone starts ringing from my bag on the floor. I unfold myself from the couch, pick up my bag and digging to the bottom for my phone, but by the time I find it, it has stopped ringing. I flip it over in my hand, seeing Cash’s name along with the words Missed Call.

“Shit
,” I whisper, fumbling with the phone when it starts ringing again. I drop it to the floor, forgetting I have a glass of wine in my hand, so when I bend over to pick it up, I dump the glass of wine all over it. I shake as much of the wine off as I can, then start franticly wiping it on my jeans. The phone goes silent for a second before ringing again, and I slide my finger across the screen, hoping that it will work.

“Hello
?”

“Are you home?” Cash growls down the line
. I look around for a second before answering him.

“Yes.”

“I called and you didn’t answer, and I told you to call me when you got home.” I roll my eyes and take a breath.

“Well
, I had to put Ashlyn to bed because she fell asleep in the car. Then I had to have a glass of wine. Then you called and I spilt said wine all over my phone, so I am
so
sorry if I didn’t call or answer you fast enough.”

“You had to have a glass of wine? And you spilt it all over your phone
?” he asks.

“Um…
yes. I definitely had to have a glass of wine,” I tell him truthfully, ignoring the part about spilling my wine. I have always been clumsy. “There is only so much stress a girl can take. And it’s either wine or shopping, and since I am a single mother and can’t afford to shop my stress away, I had to have a glass of wine.” I realize I’m rambling and squeeze my eyes closed, my head falling back and hitting the wall. I hear him laughing; my eyes fly open and I remember that he used to always laugh at everything I said. In Alaska, I’d hated that I still loved the memory of the sound of his laughter; part of me still wants to hate him, but I just can’t.

“You still there?”

“What?”

“I thought the call dropped.”

“Oh no, it didn’t,” I say like an idiot; obviously, he knows the call didn’t drop.

“So I…”
He pauses, and I can picture him running his hand through his hair the way he always used to when he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to say it. “I talked to my mom, and she will watch Jax tomorrow so I can come up and see you and Ashlyn.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I have
the weekend off, so we will be home.”

“Okay
, good,” he says, and I can hear the nervousness in his voice. “Did you talk to her?”

“No, I will
. It’s just she fell asleep in the car.”

“Yeah
, Jax fell asleep too,” he sighs.

“This is really awkward
,” I laugh.

“Tell me about it.” I have the urge to ask him about his wife
, but can’t spit the words out. The thought of him married makes me ill. Why did he still have to be so gorgeous? With his overgrown dark hair, crystal-clear blue eyes, tan skin, strong jaw, his height and body—geez, his body is as perfect as I remember—wearing dark jeans that fit just right, and a red t-shirt that was so tight I could see everything. “So I was thinking that I would come up around ten; does that work for you?”

“What?” I hear the words
, but they don’t register for a second because I am stuck in a daydream about his body. Maybe it’s time to start dating.

“Ten in the morning
…does that work for you?” I can hear the smile in his voice, and I shake myself out of my daydream.

“Yeah
, sure. Ten is fine.”

“Good, I told Ashlyn I would talk to her tonight before she goes to bed
. Can you have her call me when she wakes up from her nap?”

“Yeah, no problem.” I close my eyes.

“I am glad you don’t hate me,” he whispers, the words sounding pained. My eyes open.

“I want to.” I really do
. I want to rage and scream and cry, but I just can’t. I feel like this isn’t really happening.

“I have a lot to explain. I just
…
damn
, this situation is completely fucked up.”

“Look
, we will just talk tomorrow or whenever. I will have Ashlyn call you tonight. I just…I just need to know that you plan on sticking around; otherwise, I won’t put her through this.”

“I told you already I won’t change my mind. I have already missed out on way too much.”

“All right, so let me give you my address.” I rattle it off to him quickly. “See you tomorrow,” I say, and before he can say anything more, I hang up. I pull the phone from my ear and it starts ringing again right away; this time my mom’s number is flashing across the screen.

“Hey
, Mom.” I try to sound cheerful.

“What’s wrong?”
Dammit, I didn’t want to have to tell her this. I moved home shortly after I had Ashlyn. I tried to make it on my own, but with a new baby, school, a job, and an apartment, it was just too difficult. My dad was ready to fly down and kill Cash, and my mom wasn’t much better.

“Iraninto
Ashlyn’sdadtoday,andshewaswithme,” I say as quickly as verbally possible.

“You what?”
she screeches.

“Oh
, God, Mom, I don’t know. I took Ashlyn to the place she likes with all the trampolines and he was there with his son. I tried to leave and he stopped me. He knew right away that Ashlyn was his, and I swear, Mom, I swear he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about when I told him about the messages.”

“You need to come home.”

“Mom,” I sigh, sitting down on the couch.

“Honey
, that prick told you to get rid of my granddaughter. He doesn’t get to come in now, filling your head with a bunch of bull-hocky, making you believe that he never told you those things.”

“I know
, Mom, but what if he didn’t do it? I can’t keep Ashlyn away from him; she knew right away who he was. If he really does want to be in her life, I can’t keep him out.”

“I have a 12
-gauge that says different.”

“I think that’s illegal
, and I kinda love you, so I would hate to see you in jail.”

“Honey
, just,” she pauses, “just promise me that you know what you’re doing.” I had not a clue what I was doing.

“I am thinking of Ashlyn
, Mom. That’s my one thought.”

“How is my grandbaby taking this?”

“I haven’t really talked to her about it yet. She fell asleep in the car on the way home. I have no idea how to explain this to her.”

“Well
,” she lets out a long breath, “don’t start off by saying that her dad is a good for nothing asshole.” I laugh. I can’t help it; my mom is funny.

“That’s sound advice.”

“Just tell her that he is ready to get to know her—that he missed her and is glad that you moved close so that they can see each other.”

“That’s even better advice.”

“Well, kiddo, you know I love you, and you know if you need anything—even an alibi—me and your dad will be here for you.”

“Thanks
, Mom. I love you,” I whisper, laying down on the couch. “Tell Daddy I love him.”

“I will
, honey. If you need us, you call.”

“I will
, Mom. Don’t worry about me; everything will be all right.” I hang up, staring at the ceiling, knowing I need to get up, but I don’t move until I see Ashlyn standing in the hall rubbing her eyes. I call her over, pulling her into my lap. I explain as best as I can about Cash and why he wasn’t around before, and how that was now going to change. Then I tell her about him coming over the next day, and she is very excited about that. My dad was the only man who she’s had in her life, so having her dad would be huge for her. After Cash, I only dated one guy. He was sweet and good friends with my dad. We didn’t get serious—I wasn’t ready for that. When I got the job here in Tennessee, he was a little upset I was leaving, but understood why. Plus I never wanted to feel the loss of someone that I loved again like I felt when Cash left me. So it was easier to get out before we got too involved.

Ashlyn jumped off my lap and ran to her room, yelling over her shoulder that she wanted it to be perfect for when her daddy came to play tomorrow.
I snorted to myself; maybe there was a bright side to this after all.

*~*~*

Cash

“What’s going on?” I turn
, looking at Asher as he walks through the door. The last time I called a meeting at the barn was the day I broke up with Lilly and my life changed forever. I can’t help thinking that this time the meeting is no less serious but I am praying that the outcome will lead me to my own happiness.

“No clue
,” Nico says, frowning down at his phone.

“Is everything okay?” Trevor asks Nico
, who puts his cell phone away before sitting back in his chair.

“
Work stuff.” He shrugs before looking at me. “So why are we here?” he asks. Since he started working for Kenton, his whole persona has changed. There is an edge to him that wasn’t there before. Now, he doesn’t just
look
like a bad ass with tattoos; he
is
a badass with tattoos.

“I saw Lilly today
,” I say.

“That’s good
, right?” Trevor says, looking slightly confused.

“Well
, she has a daughter.” I clear my throat, running my hand down the back of my neck. “I…have a daughter,” I say the words that I still can’t believe myself.

“What do you mean you have a daughter?” Asher ask
s.

“Seems that when we were together
, she got pregnant. I didn’t know this, and she says that she tried to tell me, but someone sent her messages from my phone telling her to get an abortion.”

“What?” Trevor asks
loudly.

“I really don’t know what the fuck happened.” I scrub my hands down my face. The image of Lilly and the look of pain in her eyes feels like a weight against my chest. “All I can think is that Jules somehow got my phone and told her. She also told her that we were getting married
, and this was long before I had even agreed to marry her.”