Until Now (Not Yet #2) (11 page)

My heart slammed in my chest. “FUCK!” I roared, slamming my beer can down on the ground.

Amy jumped, and Emma hugged her. “You did the right thing saying something, Amy.”

Landon stepped forward. “What’re you gonna do?”

I reached into my pocket and grabbed my keys. Thank God I’d only had one beer. “What am I gonna do? I’m gonna go be with them!” I shouted, running to my truck.

“Drive safe!” Emma yelled, and as I passed, Landon squeezed my shoulder. His silent nod made my chest tighten.

I was going to take care of my girl and her boy.

***

BLOOMINGTON WAS ONLY sixty miles away, and that was a good thing. The campus was dead with everyone gone for the holiday, so I parked close to Grace’s building. The smell of turkey filled the hallway, and I stopped to catch my breath before knocking on her door. I didn’t want to scare her, but I was feeling out of control. I was devastated that she and Finn were alone. I was destroyed she hadn’t trusted me enough to tell me this. And I was furious that I didn’t know how to fix the problem.

I knocked on the door. I heard Finn call to his mom and her ask him to wait. Then the door opened, and there she was.

She took my breath away. She was dressed simply, in jeans and a gray sweater, her hair piled on her head in a messy bun, and her brown glasses on her face. Beautiful.
Perfect
.

“Dean,” she gasped and immediately blushed. As overwhelmed as I felt, I couldn’t hold back a smile. Her skin turning pink or red was one of the most adorable things in the whole damn world.

“Can I come in?” I asked, and she opened the door wide.

“Dean!” Finn ran over and wrapped his body around one of my legs. “Mama! We have company for turkey dinner!”

I swallowed against the rock in my throat. Why was life so fucking unfair sometimes? I looked up into Grace’s eyes. They shone with tears behind her glasses.

I grabbed on to her hand and squeezed. “You have room for one more at the table?”

She choked back a sob and nodded. “Of course.” I enveloped her in a hug, and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

I moved my mouth to her ear. “You and I need to talk later, okay?” I felt her head nod, but she didn’t speak, nor did she let go.

I didn’t want to let go either.

***

“WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE food to eat at Thanksgiving?” I asked Finn as Grace sliced the pumpkin pie. Her dinner was nothing like the one my family had. My mom cooked for days, and she fed thirty people. Grace had cooked a turkey breast, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing, and a pumpkin pie. Everything was from scratch and completely delicious, but it was simple. Instead of a prayer, Grace had asked us each to say what we were grateful for.

“My mama. She loves me and feeds my belly.” Finn proclaimed.

I cleared my throat. “I’m grateful to be here with both of you.” I looked at Finn first and then at Grace, hoping she could see how much I meant those words.

Grace took a sip of the wine I ran out and bought right before dinner. I used the excuse that my mom would never let me join another family for dinner empty-handed, but I wanted to make Grace’s dinner special for her. She took care of Finn, but who took care of her?

“I’m grateful that I followed my heart.” She looked at Finn and then at me. “Even when it was scary, I always listened to my heart.” She wiped at her eyes and took another sip of wine. I held her hand under the table until Finn yelled out that he needed his turkey cut.

“I like mashed taters. Oh, and pie with whipped cream. Oh, and sparkly juice too!” Grace placed a slice of pie in front of each of us and grabbed a can of whipped cream from her fridge.

“Nobody let me drink this fancy-schmancy sparkling apple juice when I was a kid. I had to drink milk. What a bummer,” I said as I grinned at Finn. Finn had told me that he and Grace shared sparkling cider on holidays to be fancy.

“Schmancy.” Finn chortled. “That’s funny!”

Grace approached Finn with the whipped cream. She sprayed a large dollop on his pie. “Open up!” She winked at me, and I watched her spray a mound into Finn’s mouth and a tiny drop on the tip of his nose.

Finn giggled uncontrollably as he swallowed his extra treat.

“We’ve started our own traditions,” Grace explained. “Want some?” She laughed and pointed the can to my mouth. “Or should I save it for later?” She winked and bit her bottom lip.

And… I was hard. I pulled her onto my lap. “Just on the pie for now, Red.” I kissed her neck, and Grace shivered.

I was ready for later.

Right now.

Chapter Twelve

Grace

I SANG LULLABIES to Finn as I bathed him and put him to bed. I hadn’t seen my son this happy in a long time. He had never known a holiday with anyone other than me, and having Dean present meant the world to him. My heart hurt when I thought of Christmas, Easter, or next Thanksgiving when it would be just the two of us again.

Walking back into the kitchen, I saw that Dean had ignored my direction to leave the dishes and had almost finished cleaning up from the entire meal. I wrapped my arms around his back and kissed between his shoulder blades before pressing the side of my face against him. I hummed, a sound of contentment, and Dean stiffened.

“That feels way too good, Red. You better cut that out.” He turned around, moving me into his arms. “I have some pots and pans left to clean.”

I reached up to kiss his lips. “I told you not to do the dishes.” I scowled, and he tweaked my nose.

“At my house growing up, the girls cooked and the guys cleaned. Every holiday. Seems fair to me.” Dean brought his mouth to mine, fusing our lips together. Then he swung me around, sitting my butt on the kitchen counter.

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Finn were alone?”

I closed my eyes. My head felt dizzy and hot at the thought of what I had to tell him. “Kiss me first?” I whispered and opened my eyes. “I’ll tell you my whole story, but first I need to be kissed.”

Dean’s eyes darkened. He ran his hand up my neck and into the back of my hair. I tilted my chin up, and he pressed his lips to mine. My mouth opened, and I traced the edge of my tongue along the seam of his lips. His mouth opened to me, and I tasted him, sucking on his tongue. We both moaned, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to get even closer. My hands moved up his chest and around his neck.

Dean pulled away and dragged his mouth to my neck, kissing and sucking my skin along the way. “The things I want to do to you, Red.” He bit my earlobe, and I moved my hips closer, rubbing against him. He groaned at the contact. My body was hot and needy and vibrating with lust for this man. “But we need to talk. Let me in. Let me know you.”

I nodded, my eyelids heavy from my own desire. He lifted me off the counter and carried me into the living room. Dean sat on the couch, keeping me straddling him. He sat back and studied my face.

It was time.

“Josh was my high school boyfriend. He’s the only guy I ever dated.” Dean nodded and laced my fingers with his. “We slept together for the first time in the fall of our senior year of high school. Josh was depressed. He would go through bouts of pretty severe depression.”

Dean’s eyebrows pinched together. “What do you mean?”

“At first it was little things, like always finding the fault in situations. You know? He always saw the glass half empty to my half full. But then he’d get angry that I would see the good in situations.”

Dean swallowed before asking, “Did he ever… hurt you?”

I placed my hand on my breastbone and could feel my racing heart. “Not physically. But emotionally he was a tough guy to love. Quick to anger, slow to reason with, and often despondent. As a teenager I didn’t realize he was depressed. I thought it was me and that I bothered him or irritated him. So I was always trying to be better. More resilient. More loving.”

Dean leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Red, no one should ever make you, of all people, feel like you need to be more
anything
.”

I smiled at him, and tears formed at the corners of my eyes. “My family is very religious. Ultraconservative. I promised my parents, my dad in particular, that I would never have sex before marriage.” The tears welled up in my eyes and traveled down my cheeks. “But Josh wouldn’t stop asking. He told me it would prove my love to him.”

Dean unlaced our fingers and used his thumbs to brush away my tears. He didn’t say anything, but his big blue eyes were full of sorrow.

“So we had sex. It wasn’t good, but it pleased Josh. He seemed more… settled.” I took a shaky breath and moved off Dean’s lap. I sat next to him, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin on my knees.

Dean’s jaw was clenched tightly, but he allowed me my space. “I discovered I was pregnant in February.” I closed my eyes and let the emotions of that time wash over me. The fear and confusion had left me paralyzed.

“What happened when you told him?” Dean spoke through gritted teeth. His body was taut, and his hands were in fists at his sides.

I opened my eyes. “That’s the weirdest part, Dean. I asked him to meet me at my house, and when I told him, I expected him to freak out. I expected him to yell or to cry or to blame me. But he didn’t.” I pressed my lips in a firm line and inhaled a long breath through my nose. “He calmly stated that he would have to stay home from college and get a job. He said his parents would be devastated and furious with him. But that was it. Then he left.” I swallowed back a sob, and Dean pulled me, curled in a ball, back onto his lap.

“And then?”

I looked into Dean’s eyes and spoke the hardest words I’d ever had to say. “He went home and shot himself with his dad’s handgun. No note, no explanation.”

“I’m so sorry, Grace. I’m so, so, sorry,” Dean whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

I got up from his lap and walked over to the window. I took some deep breaths before I could go on. “I think it was the pressure and the realization that he had let his family down. I think that and the ongoing depression were what made him snap.” I looked over my shoulder, and Dean sat with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, watching me.

“Whatever it was that made him take his life, I don’t believe he knew how much pain he’d leave behind. His parents lost their child, and his child lost his father. And me?” My throat tightened from the pressure of holding back my sobs. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

“Forgive yourself for what?”

I kept my back to him, shielding him from the tears that ran down my face. “For getting pregnant. He didn’t need any extra pressure from me. I should have told him he could go on to school and I’d handle everything. I should have told his parents so they could watch out for him. I should have… saved him.”

Dean jumped up and walked over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Grace, this is not your fault. Mental illness is a disease. It’s not something Josh had control over, and it’s sure as hell not something you could have prevented. Especially not as a teenager.”

I wiped my tears away and then turned to face him. I wanted to believe what he said, but the guilt was too strong.

“I still don’t understand why you’re alone, Red. It sounds like Finn has two sets of grandparents.” Dean asked in a low and wary voice.

My responding laugh was hard. “He does. But they want nothing to do with either of us.”

He gripped my hands in his, voice trembling. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“I had to tell Josh’s parents that I was pregnant right away. They were searching for answers and… well… I knew that was the catalyst for his actions.” I looked at the floor, my shame keeping me from meeting Dean’s eyes. “They blamed me completely. His mom told me I was a whore and that I had tempted Josh into sin, and his guilt caused him to kill himself. They said my baby was evil and the reason for the death of their son.” Tears streamed down my face in rivers. I clasped my hand over my mouth as my stomach roiled. For a moment I thought I might get sick.

Dean walked away from me. This was too much for him. He didn’t need to be burdened with my past. I sobbed into my hand, and when he turned around, his eyes blazed with heat. He engulfed me in his arms, his lips right near my ear. “I want to kick somebody’s ass, Red. I’m holding back with every part of me to keep from losing it right now. Those people are the worst kind of motherfuckers. I get that they were grieving, but blaming you? Blaming… Finn? No wonder you can’t let your guilt go.” His voice cracked, and he pressed my body against his.

We held each other for a few minutes until our breathing slowed. “I’m scared to fucking death to even ask this, but what about your parents?”

I pulled back. Dean’s eyes were red as they darted back and forth between mine. “I told you before that my parents were religious, right?” He nodded. “They demanded my celibacy. So when I broke that promise, I broke their hearts. They told me that.” Dean closed his eyes, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Most shocking of all was their insistence that I have an abortion.”

Dean reared back. “The fuck?”

I nodded. My nausea continued, and my head throbbed. Sweat coated my palms, and I rubbed them on the legs of my jeans. “They were mortified that I would bring shame to them and to our church. They told me to get an abortion and then to repent for my sins. My mom even suggested I leave the country and do mission work.”

Dean stared at me, and I watched the blaze in his eyes turn to ice.

“Of course I refused to have an abortion. I loved my baby from the moment I knew he or she existed. I also felt that my child was the last piece of Josh I had. As mad as I was with him for leaving us, I would never kill our child. I turned eighteen and graduated from high school in May, which made me a legal adult. I outright refused an abortion, and so they threw me out. My parents told me they never wanted to see me again.”

Dean’s face contorted. I felt the need to comfort him. I had had more than four years to accept my story. I had moved on.