Until There Was You (17 page)

"You're a strange person, Abel. But I like that about you. You're actually kind of wise in an annoying, stupid way."

"It's been said before. You're strange too, and
I
like that about
you
," Abel said.

Letting Go of What Weighs You Down

Nate looked down at the paper-covered rocks laid down in a straight line in front of him, the smallest rock to the left. There were five rocks. "I think I let Joshua down." "I ran away." "I didn't invest enough." "I loved a ghost." "I have to break Bailey's heart."

Nate stepped forward and bent down. He picked up the first rock, hesitated, and put it back down on the dirt. It felt painful to have it in his hand, as if the words were hot and searing his flesh, branding his palm with the sadness they expressed. He looked up into the distance, getting lost in the blue and white of the sky. "I don't think I can do this." Nate hadn't meant to say the words. They sounded small and ridiculous. Nate felt Abel kneel beside him and his huge hand nestle in between his shoulder blades.

"You
can
do this. I know that you can," Abel said kindly. Nate watched as Abel picked up the first rock—"I think I let Joshua down"—and put it in Nate's hand. "Go to the edge and then let it go. You owe it to yourself. You've got this."

Nate stood up and walked forward nervously. He gripped onto the stone and held his arm over the precipice shakily, imagining Joshua in front of him. "I don't think that I was a very good boyfriend. I expected too much of you. I treated you like you were a lifeline and not like you were a person. I think I let you down by not allowing you to have any flaws, and you were so desperate not to shatter my perfect image of you that you sacrificed everything. I'm sorry." Nate let go of the smallest rock and watched as it fell to the ground far below them. He could feel his chest loosen a little bit, grateful that he could offer Joshua an apology, even though he wasn't around to hear it. He felt like taking some responsibility in what happened helped him get rid of some of the guilt that had settled itself at the bottom of his stomach. Nate stretched, unspooling his muscles like he had been cooped up in a small space for a long time.

"Feel better?" Abel asked, his face concerned.

"I don't know.
Maybe
." Nate tried to pull apart the emotions doing battle inside his brain. He did feel a little better, as holding his worry in his hand made him feel like he had control over it, but saying the words that he had been thinking for days had physically hurt. Just the act of expressing his feeling felt like it had drained him of his energy.

"Do you want to do the next one? You don't have to if you don't think you're up to it. You've done really well."

"Yes. I think so. I think this was a good idea, thank you." Nate watched Abel pick up the next stone, "I ran away," and took it from him with a mix of appreciation and nervousness. He closed his eyes for a second, taking some time to compose himself. When he opened his eyes, he looked at Abel, who nodded kindly, and then turned around so that he was beside the edge of the peak. He held his arm out again. This stone was heavier, pulling his arm down a little.

"I have spent my life running away from things. I ran away from Grandview. I ran away from the mess that Joshua left behind. I always thought that it was difficult to be the person running away, to leave everything behind and dare to start over again. But I didn't realize how painful it was to be the person who is run from. When Joshua left me that note, I suddenly realized what it felt like to be cheated out of a goodbye. It feels like a betrayal, and I never wanted to make anybody feel like that. I wanted to do the kindest thing, and I didn't. I did the meanest. So I'm sorry for that." Nate let go of the second stone. "Can I have the next one? I just need to get through this," he said briskly.

"Of course. You're doing amazing." Abel passed the third stone to Nate.

Nate looked down at the paper that covered it. He read the words solemnly: "I didn't invest enough." His handwriting seemed to grow bigger and starker as he stared at it. He inhaled deeply and held his hand out and up to the clouds. "I've been thinking about this a lot recently. I was sitting in the financial advisor's office listening to a list of ways that my life had fallen apart, and I had no idea how I had let it all happen. I didn't ask the right questions and I didn't fight hard enough to secure our future. Looking back at it now, I think I spent a lot of time being scared—terrified that if I raised my concerns, I would shatter the illusion that everything was perfect.

"It seemed disrespectful to question Joshua; it felt rude after all of the things that he had done for me. I followed him blindly, doing whatever he said. I should have demanded to be included in the life that was very,
very
precious to me. If I wasn't strong enough to do it for myself, then I should have been a good enough dad to fight for Bailey's security. It was selfish and stupid to hold onto something that didn't exist just so that I wouldn't have to rock the boat or be seen as ungrateful." Nate let go of the third stone, watched it become tiny and insignificant, and turned to Abel.

Abel handed the fourth stone over and Nate took it, feeling its bulk in the center of his palm. It was heavy enough to strain his bicep a little bit. "Phew, this is a big one," Nate said, biting his bottom lip.

"I know," Abel replied gently.

Nate's eyes began to sting with tears. "This one's really hard."

"I know."

"I don't know if I can let go of this one. It just feels like too much, a step too far. I don't think I want to do this." Nate felt his breathing grow frantic. He held onto the stone like it was a safety rope, like it was the only thing in the world that would protect him. He felt vulnerable, exhausted, and scared of saying something that he wouldn't be able to take back. Of saying something that would open a floodgate that he wouldn't be strong enough to seal up again.

He
wanted
to see Joshua for what he truly was. He was
terrified
of seeing Joshua for what he truly was. Nate knew that if he confronted the things that he would have to confront to let go of the stone, then he wouldn't be able to go back again. He wouldn't be able to pretend that everything would be okay with Joshua in the end. Nate didn't know if he was ready to completely give up on the idea of a happy ending with Joshua—a happy ending that he'd been convinced belonged to him for a decade.

"You don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. This isn't about forcing you into a corner; it's about letting go of the things that you
want
to let go of. You get to decide. I didn't suggest this to pressure you into anything that you're not ready for. But I'm here for you." Nate instinctively swapped the stone to his left hand and held Abel's hand with his right one. He squeezed Abel's hand tightly, desperate to absorb some of his strength.

"Okay. I've got to do this." Nate looked down at the rock and saw that his hand was shaking. He closed his eyes and clenched his teeth together. He squeezed Abel's hand again and stretched his arm out into the bottomless blue of the sky, imagining Joshua again standing in front of him. Nate was surprised how painful it felt just bringing his features to mind.

"How could you do this to me? You were supposed to be my teammate. You told me that you loved me over and over again—when we first started dating, I was so surprised that someone would tell me that. I used to write it down each time in my diary. 'Joshua said he loved me again today, June fifth'
.
You told me that you love me so many times that I stopped writing it down, that's how common it was. And you also told me that you would never let me down, that you had me and Bailey, and that you wouldn't let anything happen to us.

"And I know that I put too much pressure on you. I get that. But you really fucked up and you took away the faith I had in you, and that wasn't yours to take. It belonged to me. If you had told me the truth, I would have supported you. I loved you so much, but I have to admit now that I loved something that didn't completely exist. I loved you. I love you. But I was in love with a character that I created too. So I have to let go of the superhero who flew into Grandview and rescued me in his big arms. That's not what happened and that's not who you are. So goodbye to the ghost that I was in love with. I wish that I had at least gotten to see you leave and say goodbye." Nate threw the stone as far and as hard as could so that it broke through his image of Joshua. He wiped the hot tears that were running down both his cheeks. His legs hurt as if they were sick of holding him up.

"Are you okay?"

Nate jumped as Abel's deep voice cut through the sad silence. He turned around and buried his face in Abel's chest, closing his eyes so that he felt like he had disappeared, as if he had fallen into blackness. He squeezed his eyes tighter in an attempt to cut off the thoughts that were pinging around inside of his head; he wanted to block everything out but the sound and feeling of his own breath.

Nate felt Abel's arms around him. He wanted to feel somebody next to him. It was a naked, desperate need to know that there was somebody whose heart wasn't broken and whose eyes weren't stinging from fatigue and sadness. The embrace was tentative, nervous and cautious. Abel patted Nate on the back and Nate felt awkward, but he also knew it was a genuinely kind gesture, not just something done out of obligation.

"I'm sorry, Abel. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm making you uncomfortable. Your heart's beating really fast." Nate pulled his face away from the shelter of Abel's body and straightened out his clothes. Everything looked too bright, like the sunrays had been intensified. Nate wanted everything to be shrouded in darkness so that he didn't have to look at anything clearly. He wanted the blank canvas of nighttime so that he could pretend everything was okay.

"I'm sorry," Abel said awkwardly.

"For what? I'm the one who launched myself at you," Nate replied, looking at the muddy dirt beneath them.

"About my heart beating too fast."

"Are you kidding me? Whose heart rate wouldn't spike at being attacked on the top of a mountain?" Nate said, shaking his arms out by his sides.

"I wish that I could bring you more comfort, though." Abel shrugged deeply. He sounded disappointed in himself. "Oh, and I don't think that you can class this as a mountain. I think if you told people you climbed a mountain today, they would imagine something a little bit different than hiking the trail."

"Hey! If I tell people that we climbed Everest today, then you have to back me up. Because I'm an emotional wreck, and you
always
have to agree with the emotional wreck. So what did we do today?"

"Climbed a mountain?"

"Exactly."

"For what it's worth, I think you climbed an
emotional
mountain today," Abel said sincerely.

"Yup. Oh, that reminds me—I forgot to ask you something earlier."

"What's that?" Abel asked.

"When did you win the award for being the corniest guy in the world?"

"Oh,
that.
Last year. I read all of your books to prepare for the competition. They were
so
helpful in raising my corny game." Abel smiled widely.

"You're a jerk." Nate jabbed Abel's arm.

"I know… and you have a stone left," Abel said, pointing at the lone rock on the ground.

"It's the one about Bailey. I think I'm going to put it in my backpack and bury it somewhere when I've spoken to him about Joshua. I want to carry the weight of it for a little while. I really want to know what it's like to carry that on my back and then what it feels like to let go of it. Does that sound stupid?" Nate asked, unsure of himself.

"No. Not at all. I think it makes perfect sense."

Nate picked up the heaviest stone, "I have to break Bailey's heart,"
and placed it in his back pack as if it were precious cargo. He picked up his bag and felt its heft before putting it on his back and shuffling it around so that he was comfortable.

"Do you want some help? You
have
climbed a mountain today, and we don't really need you to roll down the trail with nothing but a rock to cushion your fall."

"I'm fine, thank you. I've got this. I can do this. I'm sure of it," Nate said. For the first time since Joshua had left, he really did feel like he could shoulder the weight of his pain and of the difficult things he would have to do to climb back to happiness, for him and Bailey.

*~*~*

Nate looked out of Abel's windshield and stared at his parent's home. He thought about all of the ways that his conversation with Bailey could go—all the things that he could say and feel and do. "Well, this has been an emotionally and physically exhausting day. So thank you," Nate said, pulling himself from his thoughts of Bailey.

"That's what I aim for; I like people to come away from an afternoon with me emotionally broken and falling apart."

"I mean it. Thank you. I really needed today. I needed to admit some things to myself that I didn't want to admit. It's interesting, you know, how saying something out loud gives it more and less power at the exact same time. Voicing something is really powerful."

"No thanks needed. If it helped even a tiny bit, then I'm happy," Abel added earnestly.

"It did. You know, you didn't throw a stone."

"Me? No way. I'm happy keeping my problems locked inside."

"So what you're saying is that you made me do something that you wouldn't even try."

"Exactly, I am a deeply hypocritical person."

"You know, what you said, about coming out and all that, I just want you to know that you've got it all wrong. Everything you said was bullshit. Most things that happen in life move you a little bit forward, a little bit backwards, and a little bit forwards again until you look back at where you started and you can't really work out if you're winning the race or losing it. You coming out and being honest with yourself and the people in your life was a massive leap forward. Huge. You're further in the race than you realize. Sure, not everything changed for you overnight. But that doesn't mean that nothing changed at all.