Until There Was You (Coming Home, #2) (23 page)

“Neither do you. This isn’t just about the army.” His voice was quiet, but beneath the soft tone was a hard edge that cut straight through her. His words dripped across the skin of her throat, threatening to choke her. “Do you know why it bothers me so much that you’ll fuck me, but you won’t let me touch you?”

Claire swallowed the dryness in her mouth. She didn’t want any painful revelations. She didn’t want to psychoanalyze her trust issues or the fact that everyone in her life always let her down. He was hitting too close to the mark, striking at the core of her that she’d kept hidden from everyone, even Reza, her best friend. She opened her mouth to speak but he pressed his thumb to her lips. His skin was hot and rough, hard against her mouth.

“Because for the first time as an adult, I’ve met a woman who is strong and
confident and gorgeous and she doesn’t think she’s worth the price of the uniform she wears. She’s so invested in being a soldier, she doesn’t think she’s worth anything outside of her rank.” Evan pushed against her, sliding his hand around her neck until his lips were a breath from her ear. Until his voice was so low she could barely hear him. “You’re better than what you’ll let yourself be. You’re more than the rank on your chest.” He nuzzled her ear and she shivered violently with arousal and awareness. “I don’t know what the war did to you, Claire, but you won’t let anyone get close. Won’t trust anyone.”

“Since when do you care?” she whispered.

“Since I saw something different this week. Something special. But you know what else I saw? A woman who’s afraid. Afraid to trust. Afraid to let her hair down.” He threaded his fingers through her hair tightly. “You told me once you thought I was too uptight but the truth is, you’re the one who never relaxes. You never trust anyone. And that’s a hell of a way to live.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” she whispered, her voice cracking in the silence. She closed her eyes against the fury in his voice.

“You’re wrong.” His breath traced over her ear. “I’ve got you dead to rights. You just don’t want to admit it. Who hurt you, Claire? Who broke you so badly that you don’t trust me enough to look me in the eyes when I’m inside you?”

She said nothing, refusing to meet his gaze. After a long moment, he released her. “So that’s the way it is, then.” His words were not a question. The door closed quietly behind him, leaving her cold to the bone, hollowed out and empty.

Leaving her alone. Just like always.

* * *

It was a long time before Claire gave up on her self-imposed house arrest. She
couldn’t find Reza, hadn’t been able to find him since the accident two days ago. And Evan? She was pretty sure Evan would never speak to her again. The loss ached against her heart, and she did her best to ignore the wound that still bled from his harsh words. She wouldn’t tell him why she’d done it. He didn’t need to know that Danvers had been gunning for Evan, too.

Restless, Claire walked into the hospital and her soul recoiled from the sterile smell of antiseptic and floor polish. She hated hospitals. She hated the memory of being in another hospital, long ago, but she pushed past her own tormented history, needing answers more.

She steeled herself with a deep breath and walked to the reception desk, asking for Lieutenant Engle’s room. She let the rank on her chest lie for her, as the woman smiled and assumed she was Engle’s commander. But when she climbed the stairs and passed the nurses’ station, her stomach started a familiar flip.

She straightened. She wasn’t that scared teenager anymore. She hadn’t been for a long time. She knocked on Engle’s door. She wanted to be angry with the LT for the stupid stunt that had landed her in the hospital and a lot of people Claire cared about in a world of hurt. Instead, she found herself wanting to know why she’d done it.

“Come in!”

Engle’s eyes widened as Claire rounded the corner and approached the bed. She swallowed nervously and Claire took in the extent of her injuries. Which honestly did not look that bad. “You looked like you were in a hell of a lot worse shape the other day on the range,” Claire said by way of greeting.

Engle offered a hesitant smile. “I’ve been better.” She swallowed again and the silence stretched between them. “I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt,” she whispered. “I just wanted to train my team.”

Claire searched for the right words. For anything she could say to ease the young lieutenant’s mind. “No one ever means for someone to get hurt,” she said after a long
moment. “Whose idea was the pyro?”

“Mine.”

Claire pinned her with a hard look. “Then why is Reza’s name on the paperwork?”

“I didn’t ask him to help,” Engle said quietly. “He said he knew someone who could get him the pyro. And so much of the other training was such a waste of time. I needed to know I’d done everything I could to train my team. I just wanted to do what you’d do. You’re always so headstrong, so confident. I know we’ve had our differences, but I kind of want to be like you when I grow up. You know, when I’m a captain.”

Claire scoffed quietly. “No. No you don’t. My life is one disaster after another.” She smiled wryly. “But thanks for saying so.”

The echo of Claire’s own words rang in her ears. She was uncomfortable that Engle had been looking up to her while Claire had been … Claire had been a bitch. “You’re in a lot of trouble, LT.”

Engle flinched. “Is Reza—I mean Sarn’t Ike?”

Unexpected anger flashed through Claire, brilliant and white hot. “Yeah, he is. He was already in trouble before he came to Fort Carson. And now thanks to your stupid infatuation with him and his with you, you two are in trouble.”

“Ma’am, there’s nothing going on between me and Reza.” Engle’s mouth opened, then closed abruptly. “He’s just a friend.”

“Bullshit. What were you doing in his room? Ever since Iraq you’ve had a thing for him.”

“I don’t have a thing for him.” Engle’s skin blanched and she looked away. Her words were so quiet, Claire doubted what she heard. “Ma’am, I’m gay,” she whispered.

Claire sank into the chair as embarrassment crawled, hot and prickly, over her skin. “Huh.” It was not her most eloquent moment. She searched for something to say, but “I’m sorry” seemed so unbelievably inadequate. She’d judged this woman. Harshly
and wrongly.

“Sarn’t Ike, he looked out for me. I let everyone think things were going on because, well, you know what it’s like being a young lieutenant.”

“No, actually, I’ve never been a young lieutenant,” Claire said dryly. “So you let everyone think you were with Iaconelli to avoid …”

“I wanted to avoid attention from the captains and majors so I could do my job.” Engle’s face was drawn, her skin tight. “Please don’t tell. I don’t want to get thrown out under Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”

Claire’s mouth opened but nothing came out. All of her assumptions were wrong. Not just wrong. Horribly wrong. “I’m sorry.” It was weak, but it was the only thing she had.

“You’re not going to tell?”

“No.” Claire smiled sadly. “I’m sorry I assumed … a lot of bad things about you.” She swallowed. “I was wrong.”

Engle’s mouth formed a soft oh. Silence stretched between them. “Do I have a chance of saving my career with Colonel Danvers?”

“I wish I knew.”

“I’m going to tell Colonel Danvers it was all my idea. I don’t want anyone else getting in trouble for me,” Engle said quietly, lifting her chin slightly.

“It’s a little too late for that,” Claire said. “The best thing you can do is own up to what you did. Don’t make excuses, okay? Put on your big-girl panties and own up.”

“Roger, Ma’am.” She paused, looking up at Claire with huge brown eyes. “Thanks for checking on me.”

Claire nodded once and left, unable to stand there looking at someone she’d judged so harshly. It was humbling to see the evidence of her error look up at her with something akin to hero worship.

It was not a comfortable feeling. Claire wasn’t a hero. Not even close. And as she
rode back to the lodge, she wracked her brain for a way around the obstacle that was threatening to end Reza’s career. Engle? She hadn’t expected to care about Engle or her career, but she did. Turned out she was a good kid. She’d made a tough decision, hiding who she was and letting people think the worst about her.

Claire doubted she could ever make it up to her but as she turned into the parking lot of the lodge, she knew she’d done the right thing by taking the blame for the pyro. It wasn’t much, but it was all she had at the moment.

A tiny piece of penance paid.

Claire parked the rented vehicle and stepped into the brilliant, sunny afternoon that was Fort Carson in November, determined to go for a walk and push aside the melancholy that threatened to choke her.

She started to head upstairs, but she couldn’t face the aching silence coming from Evan’s room. The kind of silence that suggested he’d checked out and headed back to Fort Hood. Which would be for the best, because she didn’t think she could face the scathing recrimination in his eyes when he looked at her.

He’d looked at her with such disappointment. He didn’t know whether to believe her or not. And there was nothing he could do about it. She’d made her choice.

It was the right thing to do. He never had to know she’d kept him from being investigated with her statement.

Which was fine. It didn’t matter. None of it did. She had a meeting with Colonel Richter scheduled for the day after she returned to Fort Hood. She was so tired of fighting for her career, for her credibility. If her signed sworn statement got Reza out of the hot seat and kept Engle in the fight, then so be it. If it kept Evan from ever being tainted by having known her, then good. Claire’s career would end quietly with an honorable discharge and she could go about her life as a civilian while Evan kept leading soldiers. If Reza was still in the fight, still leading soldiers in combat, well, then it would all be worth it.

Which meant her career, the only thing in her life that she’d ever been good at, was over.

Funny, she should be more panicked than she was. Instead, there was a strange, twisting calm inside her, an eerie quiet, like the waves pounding on the shore of the ocean. Steady. Constant.

She turned down a trail and started walking away from the lodge.

Screeching brakes shattered the snow-covered morning.

She spun toward the parking lot she had just left, crouching down in a reflexive reaction to the sound. A full-size black SUV careened over the center median and into one of the ski racks at the edge of the parking lot.

The world went absolutely still. Fear gripped her for one soul-crushing moment as she froze, unable to move. She recognized that SUV. One of the rental cars. Fear pulsed through her veins as she sprinted to the scene of the accident.
Please let me be wrong
.

She didn’t know how she was the first to reach the SUV. She grabbed the door handle and ripped it open.

Smoke billowed from the mangled front of the SUV and the driver was trying to extract himself from the air bag. Blood gushed down Reza’s face. One eye was already swollen shut and a massive gash split the skin across one cheek. He smiled when he recognized her, his teeth stained with blood. “Hey, can you find my seat-belt slicer? I seem to be stuck.”

Her eyes burned. And then she shoved it aside.

She would cry for him later.

Evan sprinted into the emergency room, his heart pounding in his throat, the fear threatening to choke him. He’d feared the worst when the phone call had come in, saying one of their team was in the hospital. That one of their rental vehicles was involved.

The memories of bloody snow had slammed through him until he thought he would break. He couldn’t say how he’d reached the hospital. The only thing he knew was blinding, punishing fear as he raced through the double doors.

Evan’s heart skipped in his chest, clenching tightly, his relief so palpable it nearly dropped him to his knees when he saw her.

Claire sat hunched over in the waiting room chair, arms wrapped tight around her stomach. If he lived a hundred years, he knew he’d never forget how Claire looked in that moment. Broken and wrung out from crying.

But alive. And unhurt.

He approached her slowly, not wanted to startle her, worried that the emotions twisting inside him were beyond his control. She looked up at him, her eyes green pools of sadness and worry, her mouth lined with fear. His throat closed off as he sat next to her, not waiting for an invitation that might never come.

If it wasn’t Claire in the hospital …

“He swears he wasn’t drinking,” Claire whispered.

“Pretty sure we don’t need a toxicology screen to tell us the truth on that.” He kept his voice low, quiet. As if he was afraid he’d spook her if he moved too fast.

Claire said nothing and hunched back over. “They’re only letting in family and the chain of command.”

She shifted, folding her hands in front of her and twisting her fingers together.
Evan sat down in the chair next to Claire’s, afraid to reach for her. “I’ll go with you. To lay out his options to him.”

She looked at him then, heartbreak filling her eyes. “There’s only one. He’s got to self-refer to alcohol counseling. He’s got to go to rehab.” Her voice cracked on the end of the word.

“Rehab isn’t a dirty word, Claire. It’s not going to change who he is. At least not in a bad way.” He wanted to cradle her face in his hands, to soothe the ragged grief he saw in her eyes. “He’ll still be Reza. Just hopefully a sober Reza.”

She shrugged and looked down at her hands and he knew she still wasn’t being completely honest with him. For now, he let it go. He didn’t think she was up for a fight. “I know that. Even if the company commander supports him, battalion and brigade might still push to throw him out for the alcohol-related incident.”

Evan shook his head, even as a deep disquiet slithered in and whispered that she might be right. “I have to have more faith in our leaders than that.”

“Then you have more faith than I do. If he were more senior, he’d be moved to another job and shuffled around. But he’s only a sergeant first class. He’s replaceable.” She offered him a rueful smile.