Until You (19 page)

“I’m sorry, Ashleigh.
 
Christ, I…” he began, with a slight shake of his head. 

“I know.  You don’t need to explain.”

He should have felt relieved that she wasn’t going to make the situation any more difficult than it already was, but instead he merely felt remorseful and ashamed.  However, despite his shame and despite what had happened, what he had instigated, he knew that he couldn’t allow it to change anything.  He couldn’t allow it to mean anything to him, or to her.
 
As difficult as it was, he understood that, even if she didn’t.

Rising from the sofa, Ashleigh concealed her hurt as best she could behind a veil of false bravado.  “I should go,” she said, though silently she prayed he would tell her to stay.  He didn’t.

“I will leave for London first thing in the morning.”  Running his fingers through his tousled hair, he regarded Ashleigh with somber resignation.  “I do not think it would be wise for us to…see each other again.” 

She couldn’t speak, so she simply nodded her head in assent.  Turning, her foot brushed against her forgotten nightdress.  Picking it up she clutched it to her chest, inhaling the lingering scent of his cologne that clung to the fabric as she walked slowly toward the door.  

As he watched her walk away, he felt an unfamiliar ache in the pit of his heart that he refused to name or acknowledge.  “Goodbye Nicholas,” she said quietly as her hand grasped the door handle, and then she was gone.

Climbing the stairs, Ashleigh could feel the slight tenderness between her thighs.  How was it possible that he was walking out of her life, when only minutes earlier their bodies had been joined in the most intimate way imaginable?  How could he not see what they had, what they
could
have, if only he would let them?  Sudden tears stung the backs of her eyelids, but she didn’t regret what had happened.  It had been the most wonderful experience of her life and despite her aching heart; she would cherish the memory forever.

True to his word, Nicholas left the following morning, having already departed by the time Ashleigh arrived downstairs for breakfast.  Fortunately Madeline had left early as well, having gone to pay a call on one of her friends.
 
As such, she wasn’t forced to hide her melancholy with false cheerfulness as she absently nibbled on a warm apple pastry, forcing herself to eat even though she had no appetite.

She hadn’t slept well once she’d returned to her bed, tossing and turning fitfully until finally she’d drifted off to a restless sleep shortly before dawn.  Though deeply saddened by Nicholas’ ultimate withdrawal, she still had no regrets.  The intimacy they had shared had been glorious and perfect.  The loss of her virginity was insignificant compared to the utter bliss she had experienced in Nicholas’ arms and she refused to feel shamed by it.  Perhaps in time he would realize that she wasn’t like the women in his past, the women who had hurt him so deeply.  If she gave him some time, maybe he would learn that he could trust her, and then perhaps he would finally be able to acknowledge his feelings for her.  She knew it was unlikely, but she couldn’t help hoping nonetheless.

Realizing that she needed to occupy her mind with something other than thoughts of Nicholas, she decided to go for a ride.  Though she was slightly tender from her initiation into the realm of carnal pleasure, she knew she would go stir-crazy sitting around the house.  Besides, she hadn’t ridden in several days and she missed it.

Having changed into her favorite faded shirt and breeches, Ashleigh walked to the stable and made her way to Raider’s stall.  Feeling guilty for neglecting him for so long, she gave him an extra handful of sugar cubes as one of the grooms went to fetch her saddle.  She idly rubbed his sleek neck, lost in thought, only vaguely aware of the adoring gazes of the young
stablehands
as they watched her gently stroking the huge stallion’s silky coat. 

When she cantered out of the courtyard a few minutes later she felt her spirits lift, though her typical exuberance was a bit muted.  She rode aimlessly for several minutes, having no particular destination in mind.  Then, realizing that she was traveling in the same direction they had taken during the foxhunt, she decided to revisit the spot where Nicholas had first kissed her. 

A short time later she reached the shadowed clearing.  Dismounting, she tied Raider's reins to a low hanging branch of a nearby tree and then purposefully made her way toward the large tree stump where Nicholas had spanked her for her supposed recklessness during the hunt.  Sitting down upon the rough surface she glanced around and then closed her eyes as memories of that day and the others they had shared played through her mind.

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed as she sat in quiet reflection, but when she eventually opened her eyes she thought she finally understood why Nicholas guarded his heart so carefully.  Now she too had experienced the agonizing pain of love and loss, and it was a devastating feeling.  However, unlike Nicholas she still believed in love, she still had hope.  Perhaps it was foolish, but her romantic’s heart would never allow her to give up on the dream of one day achieving her happily ever after with the man she loved, not after last night.

Shivering slightly as a cool breeze stirred the few remaining leaves in the trees, she glanced around.  It would be winter soon.  The nights were already beginning to grow cold, and soon the fireplaces would be kept constantly lit to stave off the chill.  She hoped it would snow soon, for she had always loved the beauty of winter.  The snow blanketed everything in a shroud of white, creating a sense of peaceful tranquility that she longed for, now more than ever.  Her emotions had been rioting up and down so drastically for the past weeks that she needed some time to simply relax and let everything settle into place.  And more importantly, some time to heal her ravaged heart.

Hearing Raider nicker softly behind her she rose from her position on the stump, and after hoisting herself into the saddle she turned and left the clearing behind.  This time however, as they exited the wooded area she didn't hold Raider back, instead letting the powerful stallion have his head.  Leaning down low against his neck, her hair flying out behind her like a cloak of red and copper flames, she urged him on until they flew like the wind across the solid ground as they had done so many times before.

Wham!
  Nicholas’ head snapped back from the jarring force of the blow, a sharp pain piercing his already tender jaw.  He welcomed the pain, craved it even, knowing he deserved every bit of it and then some.  He had been at Kingston's Hall nearly every day for the past several weeks in a futile attempt to divert his mind from the beautiful young woman he had left behind at
Sethe
Manor after thoughtlessly and selfishly taking her innocence.  Recovering quickly, he swung his arm and his gloved fist connected solidly with his opponent’s ribcage.  Every blow he gave and every blow he received was an attempt to drive Ashleigh, as well as his inner demons, from his thoughts.

Several spectators had gathered around the ring, enjoying the match between the two tall well-muscled men.  Nicholas was a frequent participant at Kingston's, however most of those present had never seen him enter the ring so often in such a short time, or compete with such seriousness and vigor.  Normally the matches were a test of skill and physical fitness, in this instance however, the duke seemed to be waging an internal as well as an external battle they murmured amongst themselves, and all were clearly anxious to see the outcome of the match.  Several even placed wagers on the conclusion, the smart ones betting on him.

Eventually Nicholas had had enough and delivered a staggering blow to his opponent's chin.  The man crumpled to the mat in a heap.  Drawing off his gloves, he threw them to the mat and exited the ring without so much as a backward glance.  He walked through the small crowd amongst cries of praise and congratulations, noticing as he did a good deal of money changing hands.  He was glad at least someone had gained something from his performance in the ring, because he certainly hadn't.  Ashleigh St. John was as much on his mind now as she had ever been.  

Despite the perpetual dawning of each new day and Nicholas’ repeated efforts to divert his thoughts, the following weeks seemed to drag on endlessly and before he knew it Christmas had crept up on him, seemingly without his notice.

With only three weeks until Christmas,
Sethe
Manor was bustling with activity.  The servants had painstakingly looped festive garlands around all of the staircase railings, while the doors and windows had been adorned with beautiful wreaths made of freshly-cut, highly-scented pine boughs.  Holly, ivy and sprigs of rosemary peeked from every corner of the house, yule logs burned in the massive fireplaces and mistletoe hung in several archways, much to the delight of the unmarried footmen seeking to catch one of the housemaids unawares.  Everyone seemed happy and full of holiday cheer, everyone except Ashleigh, who distracted and preoccupied with her thoughts, had difficulty embracing the spirit of the season with her usual enthusiasm.

For the past several days she had been overcome by waves of nausea shortly after awakening, suffered unusual bouts of fatigue in the middle of the afternoons, and she hadn’t had her monthly flux since before her night with Nicholas in the library.  No longer able to deny her suspicions, she had finally accepted the fact that she was going to have a baby.  At first she had been terrified, but gradually her fear had turned to wonderment and eventually to joyful anticipation.  She was going to have a child, Nicholas’ child. 

The only thing that dampened her increasing excitement was her trepidation regarding Nicholas’ reaction, as well as her grandfather’s.  She had received several letters from the earl, postmarked from various locations, the most recent from Southeast Asia, but he still had unsettled business and wouldn’t be returning for several more weeks.  Unfortunately, his ship had been caught in a vicious storm early in the voyage, sending the passengers and crew well off-course and causing a prolonged delay in his journey.  With the ship heavily damaged, all of those on board had apparently sought shelter on a remote, sparsely inhabited island where they had been forced to remain for several weeks while repairs were made to the vessel, and thus he and his solicitors were woefully behind schedule.  Much to his aggravation and disappointment, he didn’t expect to be back in England for another several weeks.
 
As much as she wanted him home, she was inordinately grateful that he was alive and well after his harrowing ordeal, more than anything else.

Of course, when he returned Ashleigh knew that he was going to be devastated when he learned of her condition, for if Nicholas did not marry her, which she would never force him to do, her child would be born a bastard and she would ultimately become a social outcast.  Although she could live with her own public degradation, she couldn’t bear the thought of bringing dishonor upon her grandfather, nor could she abide the shame of illegitimacy that would be attached to the innocent child growing daily within her womb.  As the days continued to pass, she realized that the time was nearing for her to make some very difficult decisions. 

Though her waistline was still flat, it was only a matter of time before the signs of her condition became visibly apparent.  For Madeline’s sake, she tried to hide her growing apprehension, but she sensed the dowager suspected something was amiss, for Madeline Leighton was a clever woman with a keen sense of observation.  She’d always suspected that Madeline knew that she had developed feelings for Nicholas, but she didn’t question her about it, and for that she was extremely thankful.  For despite their friendship and Madeline’s obvious affection for her, Ashleigh could not yet bring herself to confide in her about her unrequited love for her grandson or her present condition.  She hadn’t been able to confide in Tiffany either, so for the time being she faced her predicament alone.

Opening the letter that had just arrived from
Sethe
Manor, Nicholas was seated in virtually the same position he had been in when he’d read his grandmother’s note informing him that Ashleigh St. John was to become a guest in their home.  Now, scanning the lines of his grandmother’s most recent missive, he sighed in resignation.  She was expecting him home for Christmas, and if the tone of her letter was any indication, she was none too happy with the length of his recent absence.  He had hoped that if he’d waited long enough, Ashleigh’s grandfather would have returned and she would no longer be residing at
Sethe
Manor.  However, after reading the remainder of his grandmother’s letter, he realized that wasn’t the case.  Unfortunately, unless he wished to further displease his grandmother, he was going to have to return to the country soon.

Only a day after Madeline Leighton had dispatched her letter to Nicholas, she was pleasantly surprised to see her grandson striding into the front hall.  However, it clearly wasn’t the grandson she had been expecting.  Arms outstretched, she crossed the marble floor to the handsome young man who immediately lifted her right off her feet, embracing her in an enthusiastic hug much to the amusement of their butler and several footmen, before setting her back down and planting an affectionate kiss upon her brow.