Untrusting (Troubled) (11 page)

It’s eleven by the time we get off
the phone so I get up to start my laundry and house cleaning.  House
cleaning doesn’t take long in basically one room.  After dusting and
vacuuming, I haul my laundry down to Mom’s.  We talk while my laundry’s
going.

I tell her about the dinner tonight
and ask if we can take four of the horses out this afternoon.  She says it
should be okay, they haven’t been ridden today.  I ask if she and Dad
would like to come over, we’re barbecuing for supper.  I’m getting steaks
and hot dogs, Shay’s coming.  They have dance classes tonight at seven, so
supper will have to be finished by six thirty.  She offers to let the dogs
out since they’ll be in town.  I thank her and in a panic I ask her if she’d
mind watching my laundry.  I forgot I have to let the dogs out and I have
to go shopping for supper.  She tells me to go, she’ll take care things.

I run home, grab my purse and keys
and take off for town.  I get to the office just as Maria’s coming
out.  “What are you doin’ here?” I ask.  She came to let the dogs out
since we’d talked so long and she knew I had things to do at home.  I
thank her and ask if the dogs are okay.  They are, so I ask her to go
shopping with me.  We get all the supplies we’ll need for supper and I
head home.  Maria and Shay will be out in about an hour.  I tell her
we’d be going riding when the guys arrive.  She hasn’t been riding in a
long time, but she’ll love it and Shay will, too.

I get home and get the groceries in
the house.  Then run up to Mom’s to collect my laundry, making it home
just as Steve arrives.  While I’m putting my laundry away, we talk about
the flyers and the towns he’d covered this morning.  Chief is lying beside
the arm chair where Steve’s sitting.  He asks how the dogs are and I have
to admit I’d forgotten them, but Maria let them out for me.  I tell him
about my trip into town.  I remind him Chief is due for x-rays to
determine if the ribs are healed.

Then I tell him I invited Maria,
Shay and Bob out, if he’s around, to spend the afternoon and part of the
evening with us.  He’s okay with that and is visibly more at ease.  I
add Mom and Dad will be here for supper.  Then they have dance class so
they’re going to let the dogs out for me.

I finish putting my laundry away and
we go out to the barn.  Izzie is glad to see me after two weeks of no
attention.  She takes to Steve right away, as do all the horses.  I
don’t know if I’m glad or miffed.  We hear Bob’s truck in the driveway so
we go to meet it.  Bob, Maria and Shay come in for a cold drink before we
go riding.

We get the horses saddled and Shay
insists on riding with Bob.  Maria’ okay with it, thinking he’ll change
his mind and ride with her.  We ride down the creek so we’ll be close to
water and in the shade.  I have to admit the guys look good in cowboy
hats.  It’s obvious they’re experienced riders in the easy way they handle
the horses.  Shay’s never been on a horse outside of the barn and he’s so
excited Bob has to hang on to him.  Eventually, Bob talks with him and he
settles down and rides like he was born on a horse.  Maria asks Bob what
he’d said to him when we stop to water the horses.  Bob confesses he
appealed to Shay’s cowboy side…with a little showing off included, meaning,
riding like he’s been riding his whole life, confidently.  Maria laughs
and asks Shay if he wants to ride with her now.  He declines, preferring
to be a “cowboy.”  Bob tells him, “A cowboy always takes care of his
woman,” and Shay rides with Maria to protect her from…whatever’s in his imagination.

Steve and Bob kick they’re horses
up, since the horses are acting antsy and gallop up to the top of the
ridge.  We take it slower and Shay’s disappointed, he wants to go
faster.  Bob hears him and comes back for him.  We’re only a hundred yards
from the ridge crest when Bob takes him and gallops up the hill.  Shay’s
laughing, hanging onto his hat and having a ball, totally fearless.  But
Maria’s anxious.  We gallop along with Bob and Shay to the ridge. 
Maria hides her concern when we go galloping off the ridge to the pasture
below.  The cattle are at the water trough and Shay is in awe.  He’s
never been this close to cattle before.  We get off to rest and water the
horses.

“Mama, my butt hurts.” Shay
announces, pulling at the seat of his jeans.  Maria explains riding does
that sometimes.  He also announces he has to pee.  Bob hears and says
he’ll take care of it.  The three guys mount and ride over to the stand of
trees to take care of the problem.  Maria and I stay with the cattle at
the water trough.  When they come back, Bob apologizes to Maria for Shay’s
wet jeans.  He didn’t realize Shay wasn’t standing for that “activity”
yet.  Maria laughs and says she brought a change of clothes, just in
case.  They’d put him on a tree stump so he wouldn’t wet his boots, but
didn’t get his jeans clear.  They had to put on a “show and tell” for him
to understand what he was supposed to do.  We’re chuckling at the visual
THAT brought to mind.  I check the time and tell them we need to head back
to start the grill.  Mom and Dad have to eat by six, they have plans
tonight.  We ride home a little faster than we rode out, since Shay’s a
veteran rider now.

We take care of the horses and are
firing up the grill when Dad comes over to get the guys to help him bring the
picnic table over.  When they get back with the table, Maria starts
setting it.  Dad brings out the beer he’d bought for the occasion. 
We all have one while the grill’s heating up.

Steve asks what I’m going to do
with the steaks when we go in to get them to put on the grill.  Salt and
pepper is what I always use.  “You mind if Bob and I fix the steaks? 
We do a lotta cooking at the station and no one’s died yet.”  I tell him
to go ahead, next thing I know they’ve fixed the whole meal and the steaks are
on the grill with Bob in command.  Mom comes over to join us and has a
beer with us.  Supper’s ready at five thirty five.  The steaks have
some kinda rub on them and the rest of the food is great, too.  The
grilled baked potatoes are heavenly.

During supper the guys get to
talking about the ranch.  Steve and Dad discuss ideas about increasing
revenue and other things.  Mom interrupts them to say they have to
go.  Dad says he wants to talk to Steve some more about the ranch and they
agree to talk again, later.

Shay stays close to Bob most of the
afternoon.  When Maria and I go in to clean up after supper, the guys
help.  Shay’s occupied watching TV.  My little kitchen can’t hold all
four of us without our bumping into each other, there’re a few hugs and when we
finish, there’s kisses.  Shay’s fallen asleep on the couch, tired from the
heat and not getting a nap this afternoon.  It’s still early, so Bob turns
on the radio and we dance in my little dining room and kitchen so we don’t
disturb Shay.

Chief comes over to get our
attention when Steve and I sit down, me on his lap.  He wants out so we go
out with him.  He didn’t get to go on the ride with us, too much activity
for him.  While we’re out Steve puts his arm around my shoulders and it
progresses to a hug, then a kiss.  But it’s a gentle kiss and a quick one,
little more that a peck.  When I try for more of a kiss, he moves behind
me and holds me.  I can feel him shaking.  “Are you okay? 
You’re shaking.”  He’s fine he says, but he lets me go and goes looking
for Chief.  I’m left wondering what’s going on.

He comes back with Chief and we go
back inside to find Bob and Maria in a kiss that would melt the polar ice
cap.  They don’t stop when we come in, but as soon as Shay moves, Maria
steps away.  Maria says she needs to get Shay home, bathed and in
bed.  They prepare to leave and Steve does, too.  I don’t understand,
but I don’t say anything.  We see them off and I turn to Steve, “What’s
wrong?  I thought you wanted to spend some time with me.  Just us.”

“Sher, I have trouble keeping my
hands off’a you and I want ya to trust me.  So I have to go.  I’ll
see ya at the office Monday.  Thanks for supper.”  He hugs me and
he’s shaking again.  I don’t want to make a fool of myself so when he
kisses me on the temple I step back.  Chief licks my face through the open
window, when I say ‘bye to him.  Steve drives away and I go back in the
house.  I got more affection from Chief than I did Steve.

I try to fill the rest of the
evening, but I’m having a tough time.  I finally get in the truck and go
into town for an ice cream cone.  I run into a couple of friends, but we
only speak in passing.  I drive by Maria’s and find Bob’s not there. 
I stop to talk to her.

She says Bob didn’t stay long,
either.  We start talking about the guys and trying to figure out what’s
going on.  I tell her what Steve said about our being alone and
trust.  She says Bob said almost the same thing.  Strange. 
Maybe, they’ve found someone they’re more interested in and all that was an
excuse to leave.  “But we had fun this afternoon and after supper. 
What’s the problem?”

I have to admit I’m at a loss,
too.  We talk about how we enjoy being around them, but they’re feelings
seem to be changing.  It probably has to do with our not jumping into bed
with them, but we’re not sure that’s it either.  The intense reaction to
kissing says something, but we’re not sure if there’re any other
feelings.  We talk a while then I go home to shower and go to bed.  I
find I’m more confused than ever.

Sunday morning I get to the office
early to let the dogs out.  I’m dressed for church, but decide to go back
home instead.  All the way home I feel guilty for not going to church,
but, I tell myself, it’s not mandatory that I go every Sunday.  I can miss
this once.  I decide to go riding.  Izzie is ready to go and we take
off at full gallop.  I don’t pay attention to where we’re going and we get
away from the creek.  We end up on the east side of the ranch on the ridge
there.  The creek that meanders through the ranch is about two miles below
the ridge.  We rode hard so I have to walk Izzie part way down the ridge
toward the creek.  When we get there, I’m so hot and dusty I take a dip in
the creek.

The water’s cool but it feels
good.  This being Sunday, I can skinny dip without worrying about being
caught.  I relax and swim for what I think is about a half hour. 
When I come out, I have to air dry some before I can put my clothes on, so I
relax, sitting on the bank and watching the dark green algae growing on the rocks
at the banks swaying and rippling in the water.  I guess I became a bit
hypnotized by the motion of it because Izzie getting a drink from the creek
brought my attention back with jerk.  I’m dry so I dress for the ride
home, slower than the ride out.

I don’t know how long I’d been
gone, but it was nice not having to deal with anything.  And I feel
refreshed.  I walk Izzie into the barn from the back door, get her taken
care of and walk over to my house.  Mom and Dad are at here looking for me
and Steve comes outta the barn twenty minutes after me. They’re all here and
concerned about my disappearance.  I tell them what I’d done all morning
and they’re relieved.  Steve’d rode out to make sure I was okay, but other
than my tracks, Steve saw no sign of me.  They were concerned I’d had an
accident since I was gone so long.

I wasn’t gone that long, I’m home
in time for lunch.  “No, you’re home in time for dinner.”

“Dinner?  Oh my god, the
dogs.”  Dad had called Steve to let the dogs out when they couldn’t find me. 
Then he came out to help look for me.

Maria calls to check on me. 
She asks if I can talk and I let her know I have company.  “Did your
disappearance today have anything to do with our talk last night?”

“I don’t know.  I just wanted
a quiet day without any interruptions, so I went riding.  It took longer
than I expected, that’s all.”

“Did ya think about anything while
you were gone?”

“Not really, I just watched the
stuff in the creek float by, kinda dazed.  I just needed some time
away.  I’m sorry I caused you to worry.  We’ll catch up on the books
at work tomorrow.  I’ll bring in my floppy.  Call ya later, ‘bye.”

Mom, Dad and Steve are standing in
the living room waiting for me to get off the phone.  “Okay, I guess you
needed a real day off, but I wish you’d told us.  We wouldn’t have been so
concerned.”  Dad’s still upset about my absence.  I promise I’ll
leave a note on my refrigerator from now on when I go riding and there’s no one
around.  Mom hugs me and she and Dad leave.

Steve stays to let me know
everything’s okay with him.  He didn’t mind tracking me ‘til he lost the
tracks, but he did mind worrying about me.  He didn’t know if I was hurt
or something else had happened.  Now that I’m back and okay, he’s
okay.  He hugs me, tight, and I feel him shaking again.

“Steve what’s wrong?  You’re
shaking again.”

“I guess I was more concerned than
I thought.  I’m glad you’re safe.  Now I have to go, Grams needs me
and Bob to…clean the garage so she can store some carnival supplies in
it.”  He leaves, just like that.

I had to get outta there.  I
lied when I told Sher I didn’t find her.  I watched as she swam and dried
off.  I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t take my eyes off of
her.  And getting close to her afterward was more than I could control, if
I’d stayed.  It’s all against everything I believe of myself.

I call Maria back and we talk for a
few minutes.  We decide to have supper at the Burger Barn and I need to
let the dogs out.  When I get to the office, before meeting Maria, Steve’s
there, letting the dogs out.  “I’d hoped to save you a trip in.  I
guess I should have let you know.”  I thank him and he leaves, giving me
back the key to the office.  I didn’t ask for it, he just gave it
back.  No hugs, no kiss, not even on the head.  He didn’t come near
me.

I stand in the clinic backyard with
the dogs, crying.  I don’t know what I’ve done or what’s wrong. 
Steve’s shying away from me and I don’t know what to do.  The dogs go in
on their own while I stand there, blubbering.  I finally get mad at
myself, wipe my face and tell myself how stupid I am to cry over such
nonsense.  I close the kennel doors, lock the office and leave to meet
Maria at the “Barn.”

We have a nice supper, since I told
Maria when I arrived “I don’t want to talk about it, yet.”  After our
burgers we go over to the Frosty Freeze for ice cream.  As we finish our
ice cream Bob, Steve and Miss Lili came in.  They sit with us, but Steve
is still distant.  I excuse myself, saying I need to check the dogs. 
I leave, going to the office.  I don’t let the dogs out, yet.  I sit
in the office trying to figure out what’s going on.  I sit there for an
hour, ‘till nine o’clock, then I let the dogs out.

I’ve been talking to myself the
whole time.  Starting with Steve’s found another girl.  We’re only friends
that are attracted to each other.  I’ve over reacted to his attentions and
kisses and he thinks I’m a tease because of it, so he doesn’t want anything to
do with me.  Ending with, Okay, you’ve been dumped, except we weren’t a
couple, so I wasn’t dumped.  His interest was just sex, but he was the one
that stopped it, every time.  Obviously, he’s no longer interested in me
as anything other than just a friend.  Okay, I can handle that. 
We’re just friends.  We’re just friends.

Once the office is buttoned up and
locked up, I drive by Maria’s.  Bob’s not there so I stop.  We talk
about the difference in Steve.  She doesn’t know what’s going on and Bob
didn’t come over this evening, either.  Shay was glad to see him at Frosty
Freeze, so she had stayed for a while after I left and Bob had hugged her
‘bye.  Miss Lili did most of the talking after I left, that didn’t change.

“I guess I misunderstood the
attention Steve was giving me and I over reacted.  I guess, we’re just
friends and I thought it was something else.  I have to play it the way he
wants it and back off the attraction completely.  I can do that, but I may
be in a little too deep to play it cool.”

Maria’s curious, “How do you play
it friendly after some of the clenches I’ve seen you two in?  I don’t know
if I could.  It’s starting to look like Bob isn’t far behind Steve in
backing out of what he’s started.  If he does, there’s nothing I can do
about it, anymore than you can.  But I don’t think I’ll be so gracious
about it.  I’d more likely get mad and tell Bob off.  I guess we’ll
have to wait for the guys to show us what they’re doing before we can do
anything.”

“Maybe, they’re just exhausted from
all the stuff Miss Lili has got going on.  They told us she over does
everything and expects them to make it work.  I’m hoping that’s it and
everything will be fine after the carnival is over.”  Maria’s hoping that,
too.  We call it a night and I go home to bed.

After Grams goes to bed, I let
Chief out and go out with him.  Bob comes out shortly after, “Hey, what
was that at the Frosty Freeze?  You didn’t seem happy to see Sher. 
Y’all have a fight this afternoon?”

“No.  I lied to her about
finding her when I went looking for her.  Worse yet, I found her skinny
dippin’ in the creek and I watched ‘til she’d dried and was gettin’
dressed.  Now I can’t get the picture outta my head.  You know how
much I wanted to ride down that hill and join her in that swim?  But I
didn’t.  I stayed where I was and watched, like a peeping Tom.  Then I
had to get away from her as quick as I could.  I couldn’t even get close
to her to kiss her ‘bye before I left.  And I left as soon as her Mom and
Dad did.”

“Hey, you didn’t do anything any
red blooded American man wouldn’t have done.  Don’t feel bad about
watching, or what it did to you.  Most men come across things like that at
some point in their lives.  What I want to know is what scared you so much
you took off like a scalded cat?”

“I don’t want to push her too far
too fast.  You know, like we talked about.  And right then I couldn’t
have stopped myself.  I was in the wrong place to kiss her, if you know
what I mean.”

“You don’t mean her place, do
you?  So, after seeing what you saw, you wanted to take the situation
further, huh?  Now we’re back to red blooded American male.  No man
would say differently.  But I can see your predicament was precarious and
running from Sher was probably the best thing you could do to keep things on
the cool side.  Most men would have stuck around and pushed the
issue.  You did well to leave.”

“Yeah?  How come I feel like
hell?”

“You did the right thing.  I
suppose you feel like hell because you didn’t stick around and take advantage
of her, satisfying yourself.  That’s not the right words, but its better
than saying what the guys at the station would say.  They get a little
crass about these things.”

“Yeah.  I’d been better off
with a visit to Waco this weekend.  We’d better get to bed, four o’clock
is only five hours away.”  I call Chief and we go in.

“You don’t mean that bar that has
all those whores?  You wouldn’t go back there after you found out that’s
all it was.  You said the ‘red light district’ wasn’t your scene.”

“And I meant it.  Look at what
Joe pick up there.  It took him a hundred dollars to get over it. 
That one night cost him a hundred dollars for her and another hundred for the
doctor and the medicine.  It almost cost him his fiancé, too.  He had
to dodge her for a month after that little visit.  Too much work and
discomfort for me.”  We stop talking as we step in the back door, Grams is
in the kitchen getting a drink.

I’m at the office early to let the
dogs out and get things set up so we can catch up on the books.  I want to
get some of the work finished before Maria arrives so there’ll be some free
time.  I look at the appointments and find there are only three.  I
schedule an hour after lunch for Maria and me just in case we don’t get the
books finished.  I’m hoping there won’t be as much to keep up with today.

Maria arrives at eight and we start
on the books before we open.  We get the books almost finished when the
phone starts ringing.  We’re supposed to be open, but there’s an hour
before the first appointment.  We decide not to answer the phone and
continue with the books ’til we’re finished.  Half an hour after opening
hours we start answering the phone.

Most of the phone calls are for
booth reservations.  When Miss Lili arrives at lunch, all the booths are
reserved.  She’s very happy with the participation the carnival is
drawing.  She says the booths are being put together starting today. 
Bob and Steve are on duty right now, but they’ll be working on the booths after
work this week.  Some of the elderly are busy cutting the lumber for the
booths and helping with the awnings.  Others are busy planning refreshments
to sell at the card tournaments.  She continues listing the activities
that are going on.