Up In A Heaval (22 page)

“Eeeek! Fire ants!” she screamed.

Suddenly there was a motion in the ground around her. Four mounds developed, and from each burst a dreadful head. “Dragons!” Umlaut cried, more than alarmed. “Run!”

“Don't be concerned,” Sage said. “That's just Guardian, my four-headed dragon.”

The four heads rose up on four necks. Then the ground between them humped, right under Sage, lifting her up. It was indeed a single dragon, and as the dirt fell away, she was nestled comfortably between the four extended necks. The four heads cast about and soon spotted the encroaching fire ants.

The first head oriented and blasted out a jet of fire. It bathed the ants but did not bother them at all. So that head swung aside and the second one oriented. It blew out a blast of smoke. That didn't stop the ants either; smoke was a natural concomitant of fire. So the third head oriented and issued a shaft of steam. The ants didn't like that, but the heat didn't bother them. Finally the fourth head oriented and gushed pure water. That washed away the ants, and the column retreated. The dragon, satisfied, sank back into the ground, leaving only disturbed earth.

“That will do it,” Umlaut said, pleased. “If Guardian cares to wash out a path for us.”

“He will if I ask him to,” Sage said. “But why should I do that?”

Uh-oh. “You want something.”

She nodded. “At is happens, I have a crush on a handsome young magician, but I haven't told him. So I need someone else until—”

“I'm not available,” Umlaut said quickly.

“Oh, well. In that case, good-bye.” Sage walked away.

Umlaut looked at his friends. They looked back. They weren't blaming him, but somehow he felt blameworthy.

Soon another girl approached. She too seemed ordinary, but Umlaut knew that that was no sign she was. “Hello. I'm Janel. I heard your call. You need help?”

“I'm Umlaut. Yes, we need to get past those fire ants.”

“Why, I could help you do that. My talent is persuading people. I could persuade them to let you through.”

“That would be wonderful. But what would you want in return?”

She looked at him appraisingly. “You seem like a nice boy.”

“I'm spoken for!”

“Oh. Still, perhaps I should persuade you to give her up in favor of—”

“Please don't do that!” Umlaut said desperately. “I love her!”

Janel considered. “I suppose it wouldn't be nice to take you, then.” She walked away.

What was going on here? Every person who came was a girl, and every one of them wanted him as a boyfriend. There might have been a time when he would have loved that, but that was BS: Before Surprise.

Another girl showed up. Umlaut didn't even notice her details, though all of them were in place. “I am Annie Mation. I can make pictures come to life.”

“That's surely a fine talent,” Umlaut said warily, “but will it help us get beyond the fire ants, and what will it cost me?”

“All you have to do is draw a picture of something that will help you, and I can bring it to life so you can use it.”

That seemed promising. Umlaut was not the best at drawing things, but if he drew a package of ant repellent and she made it real, maybe that would help. But she hadn't named her price. Somehow he knew what that would be. “I am already committed to another girl,” he said.

“Oh, pooh!” Annie stalked away.

Yet another girl appeared. That was almost literal; he hadn't seen her approach, but there she was. “Hi! I'm Cindi with an Eye and See.”

Umlaut spelled it out in his mind. “An i at the end and a C at the beginning?”

“That too. I can see whatever I name.”

“I'm Umlaut, so I guess you can see me.”

“Oh, I do. But what I mean is that if I want to see something, like maybe a huge eye scream cone, I can do so. Like this.” She paused, then spoke again. “I see.”

There, hanging in the air before her, was a huge eye scream cone, looking every bit good enough to eat.

Umlaut was impressed and abruptly hungry. He reached for the cone, but his hand passed through it. “Oh—illusion.”

“Well, yes, in that case. But some things don't need to be physical. Like the way to get past those fire ants.”

Something bothered Umlaut, and this time he was lucky enough to catch it. He hadn't told her about their problem yet. “Who are you?” he demanded.

“Are you intimidating I'm not me?”

“Am I what?”

“Citing, referring to, specifying, suggesting, proposing—”

“Intimating?”

“Whatever,” she agreed crossly.

“Hello, Demoness Metria.”

“Oh, bleep! What gave me away?”

“There have been too many girls wanting to make me their boyfriend. They were all you?”

“More or less. They all exist on Ptero, but I borrowed their descriptions for this purpose.”

“The purpose of distracting me from my mission.”

“It could have been a very good distraction. You have no idea what any of those girls could have offered you, but soon you would have found out and thus joined the Adult Conspiracy.”

“I'm not ready to do that, but at such time as I am ready, Surprise Golem is the only girl I want to do it with.”

“But she's only fourteen.”

“I'll wait.”

“You're incorrigible.”

“I'm what?”

“Oh, never mind.” She disappeared into a roiling cloud of smoke. But after three instants it reversed the roiling and re-formed her face. “Anyway, I had it right that time.” She roiled on out of sight.

So he had fathomed that little mystery. The idea of having a number of girls interested in him was appealing, even if he didn't want their company, but he knew he was too ordinary for such attention, so it had been suspicious from the outset. He would have caught on sooner if he hadn't been so eager to find a way past the fire ants. But not for the price they—or, rather, Metria—were demanding.

“Oh, Surprise,” he murmured, longing for her company.

“Here I am,” she said.

He looked around. “Where?”

“Here in your head. Telepathy. It's another talent.”

“You shouldn't waste your talents on me!”

“I can't think of anyone I'd rather waste them on. You were great.”

“I was just trying to find a way across the fire ant column, but I couldn't, uh—”

“You couldn't forget me. I heard. You were so sweet.”

“I suppose. If only you were older.”

“I happen to know where some aging elixir is. I could add two or three years to my age just like that. Then I'd be right for you.”

That was wickedly tempting. “But your parents—”

“They couldn't stop me if I was over sixteen.”

“It's not that, exactly. They love you and want what's best for you.”

“Except true love. I told you, it's the way parents are.”

“Let's wait, anyway. I want them to approve.”

He heard her sigh. “I suppose you're right, though your determined decency can get annoying. Well, let's get you across that ant column before I lose my concentration.”

“You know a way?”

“Yes. When I was casting about for your mind I had a brush with the demoness's mind. She really would have helped you cross, you know, if you had accepted any of her forms. Then she would have—well, I don't know the details, of course, but I gather she had several storks in mind.”

“I don't know why adults are so eager to signal storks. It must be a chore.”

“Well, adults live for chores. That's why they eat wholesome food and make themselves unhappy in so many pointless little ways.” He felt a tear in his eye and realized it was hers. “Oh, Umlaut, I want us to be together before we get abducted into that awful Conspiracy, so we can have some fun.”

“It does seem like irony,” he said. “The moment you get the chance to do whatever you want, you start doing chores instead. But your folks are happy, aren't they?”

“Oh, sure, they love each other. So I guess it's not so bad. Still, I hate waiting several years. I want you now”

And he wanted her now. But he knew it wasn't practical. “We need to deliver that letter.”

“Of course,” she agreed sadly. “Just walk over the hill to the north and you'll find a colony of water ants. Make a deal with them, and they'll open a path through the fire ants.”

“Thank you!”

“Anything,” she said. “I don't know what it is, but I want to give it to you.”

“I'll settle for your kisses.”

“You're so sweet,” she repeated and faded from his mind, leaving the suggestion of a kiss on the inside of his cranium.

He faced the boat. “Surprise was here. She told me there is a water ant colony over the hill.”

The others perked up. They knew that would do it.

Umlaut got back into the boat, and they went over the hill and found the water ant nest. It resembled a hillock of water. Para and the others waited a reasonable distance away while Umlaut sat down beside the mound and emulated an ant as well as he could. First he had to satisfy them that he was not an enemy, lest they sting him and turn parts of his flesh into water.

It took more than nineteen questions, but he finally learned what they wanted: There was a distant watermelon they dearly desired, but it was too heavy for them to carry whole, and it would spoil if they tried to cut it into carryable pieces.

He returned to the boat. “Sammy, find the watermelon. Para, follow him.”

Sammy took off, and Para followed, and soon they found it. Umlaut heaved it into the boat, and they brought it back to the ant mound. He heaved it out and rolled it to the mound. Then the ants formed a column and marched for the fire ant formation.

The moment the fire ants saw the water ants, they backed off, and Para passed across their line with no trouble. They were through, just like that. “Thanks,” Umlaut called to the water ants. He saw a squirt of acknowledgment.

The rest of their trip was uneventful, and soon they reached the ugly little house that Sammy indicated was where Bubbles Dog lived. Umlaut knocked on the door.

It opened to reveal the ugliest woman he had seen. “Yes?” she grated.

“I'm, uh, Umlaut, and I have a letter for Bubbles Dog.”

“A letter for a dog?” she graveled. Her voice was as ugly as her face.

“I know it seems odd, but—”

“Wonderful! Bubbles will love it. I'm Anathe Ma. Come in, you dear boy, and have some gruel.”

Now the dog came to the door, wagging her tail. She seemed to be healthy and happy. She spied Sammy and went to sniff noses; evidently they knew each other. Regardless of the way Anathe looked and sounded, it seemed she was a kind person. They entered her house and shared her gruel, and it was surprisingly good.

It had been a long day, and they wound up spending the night there. This gave Sammy and Bubbles more time to renew their acquaintanceship and catch up on news about their associates. Bubbles had arrived in Xanth in a floating bubble from Mundania. She had been rescued by Kim, a visiting Mundanian, but in time Kim left her with Anathe Ma, because Bubbles could live far longer and better in Xanth. So she was here, and her only regret was that she wasn't able to see Kim more often. Kim had married and settled down in Mundania.

In the evening when cats and dog were conversing and Anathe Ma was putting the house in order, Umlaut and Sesame went outside. The house was in a jungle, but Umlaut had no particular concern when in Sesame's company; she could handle just about anything.

“I keep being surprised by things,” he said. “Today I learned that pretty girls are not necessarily worthwhile for me and that an ugly woman can be an ideal person.”

The girls looked delicious, Sesame agreed in Serpentine. And the old woman would hardly do to clean one's teeth. But it was true: The girls weren't real, and Anathe Ma was. Sesame had the impression nevertheless that they all liked him, or would have, had they had the chance. There was something about him. He was klutzy but appealing.

“I'm appealing? I don't see why.”

There was no why to it. He just was. If she were of his species, she would have trouble being his friend.

He didn't understand that so ignored it. “I'm glad I was loyal to Surprise. I didn't know she was listening.”

She must have been very pleased with him.

“She was. She said she wanted to give me everything, once she found out what it was.”

Sesame glanced sidelong at him. She happened to be of age, for a serpent. She could assure him that not all the secrets of the human Adult Conspiracy were unpleasant.

“She said she could take aging elixir and become of age now, but I thought she should wait.”

That was sensible of him, Sesame felt. Some of the responsibilities of adults took time to appreciate, though children didn't understand this. They needed to achieve an emotional balance before they acquired significant power to influence events.

“I just want to be with her! But I'm not quite sure I even exist. Sometimes I think I'm just a—a little golem made to do something, that can be abolished when it is done. So what good would I ever be to her?”

The night around them assumed an eerie quality, as if some momentous decision was about to be made.

He surely existed, Sesame indicated. He had done so much good for Sammy, and for Sesame herself, and for Surprise, and she thought for others along the way. Maybe he lacked a memory of his past life, but that did not negate his present life.

“Oh, I hope you're right! I must just be imagining things. You're such a wonderful friend.”

They had befriended each other. She was glad it happened. In his company she had had all the adventure she craved and had met Soufflé.

“Let's stay friends after the letters are delivered. I know you will be going to the sea with Soufflé after you figure out how to lift his curse, but we can meet on occasion, can't we?”

Surely they could.

Something bothered him, and again he was lucky enough to figure out what it was before it escaped. “I said you would figure out how to lift the curse, but I should have said we. You're helping me; I want to help you.”

Thank you, she indicated. They could do that next, after the letters were done.

“Yes.” Umlaut looked around. “Was there something funny about the night? I had the oddest feeling for a moment.”