Updrift (21 page)

Her voice confirmed what she had never before acknowledged; they wanted a family-centered life and a child. This line of inquiry was the most threatening of all, because it begged a series of questions challenging all of the values they’d sometimes evangelically espoused. And yet, despite Will’s oft-stated satisfaction with their childlessness, Dana doubted their commitment to forego having children herself, and she was confident Will would reconsider if he felt he could. She’d seen his face fall when he heard news of other couples adopting or having a baby, seen him stare longingly at a playground filled with little ones. She’d also seen his boredom and disappointment, sentiments she shared, in their perfected home and neat routines.

Darling
, she thought sadly,
we no longer have the capacity to care only for ourselves
.

You want to give yourselves to something you find meaningful
, her voice deduced.
You believe having a child would be meaningful, despite the personal and professional sacrifice it would require
. Dana felt proud of herself when her voice told her that this desire was good and right.
Follow this avenue of thought
, she was counseled.

How silly, she mused, as her self-judgment bled away. When she examined her decisions objectively, she saw no reason for resistance. But how had she come to this point, she wondered? How could a lifetime of believing and behaving one way transform from something so absolutely right to something utterly wrong? Their ambition had yielded them the American dream, shiny, whole and unassailable. Why did they no longer want to live this way?

Dana considered herself from what she guessed was her sister’s perspective. Inexplicably, Cara had never seemed impressed with her professional accomplishments or trappings of success. Dana had always assumed she was jealous at some level and just hid her envy to avoid confronting any feelings of inadequacy she harbored. But what if she didn’t value the same things? Even when Cara had an opportunity to train for a job with higher earning potential, she didn’t. What if she hadn’t bought into Dana’s formula for happiness in the first place? Their mother certainly fell into this category but she was from a different generation, one comfortable with backing down. How could Cara come to any conclusion other than the one she had drawn?

The idea she might achieve in a new way would have held no credibility for her up until this moment. As she questioned her own assumptive premise now, however, deliberating a true shift away from it, she reconsidered. Maybe her sister had never believed happiness had but one clear definition, achievement only one path.

Happiness must be bigger
, her voice agreed.
Think of all the evidence you’ve seen
.

Dana did. She thought of family, friends, and coworkers over the years who had helped her and others or performed acts of kindness without a thought to what they might receive back. She recalled classes coworkers had taken, in music or art or writing or spirituality, none of them pursued with the intention of boosting anyone’s career, but all of them studied seriously. She remembered work opportunities passed up in favor of volunteer efforts, extended vacations taken without pay. In her relaxed state, hundreds of examples came to mind, and she allowed herself to feel a new appreciation for their importance.

Such a simple thing to consider these activities in a fresh light and yet such a profound switch in my perspective
, Dana thought.

This brings us to the heart of the matter
, her voice urged.

Dana asked herself deliberately, pointedly about what she would change based on all she had just reviewed. She directed herself in the most loving way to identify a specific course of action to create a more enriching life for her and her husband. She already knew the answer; she just had to think the words.

I want a child
, she thought.
I want to be a mother
. She wanted to be unanchored from their former wants and material desires. She was certain Will wanted what she did, to invest himself in a more enriching home life, to distance himself from the yoke of professional advancement.

Go in this direction
, her voice commanded.

A sense of peace pervaded her. The changes she would make, the love she would seek, would not come from her ambition. She would court happiness by opening herself up to possibilities with outcomes she could not know or control. She would talk to Will, and she knew things would be all right without knowing how they would be. Tears of relief mingled with the water around her and floated away. She had never felt so grateful.

Slowly, she began to perceive the world outside again, light in the underwater cathedral penetrating her awareness and bringing the space around her into focus again.
All that you are is good, and all that you’ve done is good
, her voice promised as she came into consciousness.
Your strong mind and open heart have instructed you, and you will have love and joy from what you undertake
.

When she became fully aware, Xanthe was gone. Her aquatic friends were in a circle around her, attentive and watchful. She did not hesitate to tell them what she needed.

I want to see Will
.

* * * *

“I had fun,” Xanthe told Carmen as she handed her a cup of tea.

Carmen cringed self-consciously as she thanked her. She offered cream and sugar. “I hate to think of what I took you away from to help out my family.”

“No, really. If we’d all do what Dana just did—choose to be more loving and accepting of ourselves and others—I wouldn’t have any other conflicts to solve. I’m glad I was able to help, Carmen.”

“Yes, well, if you ever want to set up a marriage counseling practice, I’m sure you’ll be a smashing success.”

Xanthe laughed. “Let’s see how this one goes, first.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.” Carmen toasted Xanthe with her teacup.

“I think I want a wedding,” Kate mused, lying on her back.

“Mmm-hmm,” Gabe agreed sleepily.

“I definitely do.” She faced her
husband
, and the label gave her a thrill. He was barely awake. She scooted closer to him. “A small wedding,” she insisted. “Just our families and the Wilkes as guests.”

He opened his eyes and shifted to his side as well. “I guess this is pretty important.” His smile was indulgent. “Where? On the beach?”

“How about the library?”

“Reception on the beach?”

“Deal.”

“In that case, I suppose I should have given this to you a few days ago.” Gabe rolled off the bed and complained, “My body feels like it’s filled with cement.” He trudged to the bureau, opened the top drawer, and came back carrying a black velvet box.

She noted the anticipation on his face and felt like dancing. “You are completely adorable. I mean, the gift is for me, and you’re the one squirming with excitement.”

“I know! I know! Hurry up and open it! I’m dyin’ over here!”

She lifted the lid of the box to see an elegant diamond solitaire engagement ring wedged in the center. The stone was a brilliant cut set in white gold with a delicate filigree engraving circling the band. “My mom designed it. Fresh and modern, yet classically beautiful, just like you.” He darted in to kiss her cheek. “Do you like it?”

“Honey…It’s perfect. You’re perfect.” She put the ring on and they both admired it on her hand. “I didn’t realize until this very second that I would care about a rock, but this is gorgeous. How long have you had it?”

“Mom’s had the idea in her head for a while,” he hedged. “But it was part of my backup bribery plan if you were on the fence about committing yourself to me body and soul.

“Actually,” he confessed in an eager rush, “my parents gave it to me when you graduated from high school, as an incentive to stay away from you until you got through college. I’ve been plotting your demise since adolescence.” He hid his smile in her neck.

“So, let me clarify: you were given a ring to give to me, and that was bribery to keep
you
away?” Gabe wrinkled his nose and nodded.

She flopped backwards on the bed. “This can’t be happening to me. I feel like I’m going to wake up in my apartment any minute now, realize this is all a dream, I’m late for work, all my clothes are dirty, and I’m out of mascara. At which point I’ll kill myself.”

“No-no. No dying allowed from here on out. All possibly fatal activities will henceforth require joint approval.”

“Does that include a near-fatal amount of sex?” Kate teased.

Gabe kept a straight face. “No. Death by sex is okay. Speaking of which, I’m exhausted.” He rolled back on his pillow. “Let’s take a nap first and plan the wedding later.” He held his arms out to her.

She smoothed his hair out of his eyes and then snuggled next to him. “All right.” She gave him a quick kiss, and they relaxed into the covers until sleep pulled them under.

* * * *

After several hours of rest and a hot shower, Kate was prepared to face the day, which she fervently hoped would commence with a big breakfast. After taking inventory of the sparsely stocked kitchen, she questioned Gabe on the availability of eggs and milk on the island.

“I’m really hungry, and I want pancakes. So bad I’ll swim back to North Carolina to get them. But if I can get my hands on eggs and milk, I’ll make them here.”

“We have a market down the road. But I think I’ll raid the Mattegins’ cottage first, ’cause that’ll be easier.”

“Is that where my mother and John are staying?” Her desire for breakfast was rivaled only by her desire to see Cara and discuss her recent adventures.

“Yes. Do you want to go?”

“Definitely. I want to catch up with my mother. And maybe grill John a little about lying to me the past five years.”

“He didn’t have any choice, Kate. The penalty for betrayal is pretty severe.”

“Yeah but everyone was in on the plan except me,” she complained lightly. “And what is the penalty for ‘betrayal,’ as you put it?” She thought about this question another few seconds before adding, “In fact, what constitutes betrayal?”

They closed the front door behind them. “Sirens who reveal themselves intentionally, or if they’re deemed a risk to the community because they can’t keep themselves under wraps, are either jailed or exiled. It depends on what the problem is, if it’s a matter of intent or inability.” He grabbed Kate’s hand and swung it between them.

“But if a person is intent on sabotage, why would shunning them stop it?”

“Our bonds with each other are essential to our survival, Kate. It’s not like it is with you people on land, where everyone can more or less keep to themselves. That craving you feel from me when we’re touching?” She gave him a withering glance. “No, not just the physical desire part, but that emotional reaching you feel, especially in the water?”

Kate reflected not just on how she was with Gabe but also with John and Carmen and Michael. Then, she thought of the severe hazing she’d experienced at the hands of Peter Loughlin at Solange’s wedding as well. The constant in all these interactions was the peculiar sensation of being drunk in, either close to them or when these people touched her.

“I see what you mean.”

“That’s not something we choose to do, it’s something we literally
have
to do,” Gabe continued. “We need those connections with each other, the communion. That’s why our society is so peaceful and stable—relative to yours, anyway—because getting sent away is unbearable.”

“And so, when someone is exiled, what happens?”

Gabe closed his eyes. “It’s painful to even consider it. Usually, we die. I’m told it’s something like starving to death.”

She shuddered. “Why the need for secrecy in the first place? Why not just come forth and announce yourselves? You could be like the Chinese or Atlantians and demand your equal rights.”

Gabe’s regard was condescending. “Humans are pure, unadulterated crap when it comes to race assimilation. I mean, look at how long it’s taken Americans to make any real progress, and they’re the most open society on the planet.” He huffed. “Moreover, sirens have a biological need for community the way we define it. We’ve actually tried opening our world to humans in isolated cases, and, without fail, they try to colonize us and capitalize on us. The effect of this oppression is we die. We don’t just take our beleaguered selves off somewhere, we actually die.”

Kate knew he was right and was filled with remorse for what her people were capable of. She couldn’t mount a single defensive argument. Gabe became contrite. “Not with you, honey. Not with your mom or Solange or any of the people you know who’ve married with us. But when it gets to a larger scale, when governments become involved, it doesn’t work. We won’t take the risk.”

She offered the only words she could. “I’m sorry, Gabe.” She was silent the rest of the way.

The aroma of coffee and the sound of Everett giggling greeted them at the Mattegins’ door. “Hey guys!” Gabe called as they stepped in.

“We’re back here!” Cara yelled from the kitchen. She was drying her hands on a dish towel when Kate came to her and hugged her tightly. Her mother held her at arm’s length to inspect her. “And how’s the happy couple this morning? How’s life outside the cocoon?”

“We’re good, Mom.” Kate hugged and greeted everyone in turn, her earlier embarrassment forgotten. She poured herself a cup of coffee and stood behind John’s chair to place a hand on his shoulder. “You’re a sneak,” she chided him but without any real anger. He patted her hand and flashed her a disarming smile.

He winked at Gabe. “You must be hungry.”

“Ravenous,” she complained. “I could eat a horse, but what I really want are pancakes.”

“Gotch-ya covered,” her mother responded, opening the cupboard to take out a mixing bowl. John rose to ready the griddle.

“The Loughlins are on the island,” Carmen announced from behind her newspaper. She set it down and addressed Michael. “We should see if we can catch them while we’re here. I owe them a report, and we could avoid the circus involved in having them come to Griffins Bay if we see them here. What do you think?”