Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties

The Valentine Present

and
Other Diabolical Liberties

A romantic comedy by

Lynda
Renham

This book is dedicated
to fellow stutterers. I also suffered from a stammer when a little younger and know the frustration. As with all things, laughter is the best medicine.

Lynda Renham

The right of Lynda
Renham to be identified as the author of the work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

ISBN 978-0-9571372-7-1

first edition

Cover Illustration by Gracie Klumpp

www.gracieklumpp.com

Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.

All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or
dead, is purely coincidental.

Copyright © Raucous Publishing 2013

www.raucouspublishing.co.uk

     
Julian slams the door of his Mercedes van, juggling a freshly iced birthday cake in one hand and a card in the other. He pauses for a moment to admire his new vehicle. Spotting a tiny mark on the bonnet he rubs it with the sleeve of his jacket and, after satisfying himself that the mark has gone, rushes to the communal door of the flats. God, he’s so late. Not even time for a shower. He lets himself in and places the cake onto the kitchen table. That will please her. He will hide it on the top shelf of the cupboard and present it to her on her birthday. He saunters into the bedroom and smiles when he sees the morning suit laid out on the bed for him. He is just about to pop on the bow tie when he hears the front door open. Thinking it is his girlfriend he strolls out of the bedroom beaming.

     
‘I thought we were meeting at the ch …’

He stops instantly. The smile freezes on his face and his mouth opens and closes several times with nothing emanating from it. Two burly men stand in his living room. The room normally looks small but now it seems miniature. A smartly dressed man walks between the two men and smiles at Julian. Julian’s eyes lower to the man’s left hand and the missing little finger.

      ‘Ello Julian, ‘appy Valentine’s Day,’ says Jack Diamond. ‘I’ve come to deliver your Valentine’s present,’ he smiles, revealing a gold tooth.

     
‘Yeah, and it ain’t a Valentine’s card either,’ says one of the younger men.

     
‘Ow rude of me,’ continues Jack. ‘Where’s me manners? I didn’t introduce me lads, Babyface Jack and Mad Jack Junior.’

He
smiles while slapping his hand on the shoulder of each son in turn.

     
‘But it’s not Valentine’s Day,’ says Julian.

     
‘I like to be early,’ smiles Diamond.

     
‘Yeah, I like to be early,’ repeats Babyface Jack.

     
‘You needn’t have worried,’ mutters Julian.

     
‘Cat got
your tongue Julian?’ asks Jack as he winks at Mad Jack Junior.

     
‘Of course, we could arrange for you to lose your tongue,’ says Mad Jack.

Julian
struggles to lick his lips, not wanting to expose his tongue for too long so as not to draw attention to it. Oh God, this is a nightmare. His mobile rings and he tries to ignore it but it continues incessantly.

     
‘Someone loves yer,’ laughs Jack Diamond.

     
‘Yeah, someone loves yer,’ repeats Babyface Jack.

     
‘It’s been three months Julian, and you ain’t given me nothin’.’

     
‘Yeah, it’s been three months,’ echoes Babyface Jack, ‘and you ain’t given me nothin’.’

     
‘You’re taking a diabolical liberty you are,’ says Diamond.

     
‘Yeah, a diabolical liberty,’ repeats Babyface Jack.

     
‘It’s just I haven’t had it to give to you Jack …’ Julian looks from one Jack to the other, unsure of which Jack he should be addressing. Christ, how can they all have the same bloody name?

     
‘The restaurant has only just opened and things have been difficult,’ he apologises.

     
‘And yet I still make an effort to come ‘ere and give you a present. With Valentine’s Day coming up, ‘ow could I not? But I thinks you wanna give me your present first don’t yer Jules?’ says Diamond menacingly with a twitch of his shoulders. Julian cringes.

     
‘I, well … The thing is …’ begins Julian, his mouth growing drier.

     
‘That cake looks a bit of awright. Is that for me? I’m touched.’

Julian nods dumbly. Jack sighs.

      ‘Shall I remind yer what your little present should be? And it ain’t a
frigging iced cake.’

He beckons to
Babyface.

     
‘Yeah, shall we remind yer what your little present should be,’ says Babyface, giving Jack the note.

     
‘Will you stop frigging repeating everything I say,’ growls Diamond.

     
‘I’m not frigging
repeating everything you say.’

Jack sighs.

      ‘So Julian, it’s been three months now and …’

     
‘I’m only behind with one month,’ breaks in Julian.

The three Jacks stare at him menacingly.

      ‘You disagreeing with me mate?’

Julian shakes his head,

      ‘So, you owes me, with interest …’ He glances at the piece of paper and Julian holds his breath as Jack reads from the note.

     
‘Two chicken breasts, a tin of tomatoes and a pint of milk?’

Julian looks up questioningly.

      ‘What the hell is this Babyface?’ demands Jack.

     
‘Sorry, that’s Mum’s shopping list, she said …’

     
‘I don’t give a toss what she said.’

Jack slaps him across the head and the man whimpers. Julian winces and takes another
step back. They all wait while Babyface Jack composes himself and produces the right note.

     
‘Kids, you see how I indulge ‘em? Now, you owes me twenty grand plus interest, which is?’ he looks again at Babyface.

     
‘I dunno but I bet it’s a lot,’ says Babyface, turning to Julian. ‘You scumbag, we should cut off your ear and send it to your mother for not paying us.’

Jack
Diamond grunts.

     
‘I’ll cut off
your
sodding ear and send it to
your
bleedin’ mother
if you don’t give me those sodding figures,’ he snarls at Babyface.

Babyface
Jack pulls a mobile from his pocket and punches numbers into a calculator. Jack Diamond fidgets uncomfortably while they wait and Julian wonders if he can make a run for it.

     
‘Well?’ asks Jack.

Babyface
wrinkles his forehead in concentration.

     
‘The creep owes us, with interest, thirty thousand quid and ten pence.’

     
‘We should smash your skull in you tight-fisted loser,’ says Mad Jack, kicking over the coffee table.

Jack Diamond sighs.

      ‘Ave some respect Mad Jack, now pick that up. Sorry about that Jules. I blame their mother. You should see ‘er in a temper. It’s bleedin’ worse than an ‘orror film.’

     
‘That can’t be right,’ says Julian. ‘There is no way it’s that much even with the interest. You’ve calculated it wrong.’

There is silence.

      ‘What I mean is, I don’t owe the ten pence,’ Julian adds quickly.

     
‘You saying you owe us less, you pilchard,’ snarls Babyface. ‘You saying my phone don’t know ‘ow to add up?’

     
‘You saying my son’s an idiot? No one calls my son an idiot, Julian.’

     
‘You do Dad,’ argues Babyface Jack.

     
‘Shut up,’ snarls Jack, clipping him round the ear. ‘That’s different.’

Mad Jack Junior sniggers as Jack Diamond pulls a penknife from his pocket. Julian swallows.

      ‘I’m not calling him an idiot,’ Julian adds frantically, ‘in fact, I think he is a genius.’

     
‘You do, do yer,’ says Babyface, pulling his shoulders back. ‘You got a death wish or something?’

Jack pushes Julian back against the wall and holds the knife to his throat.

      ‘No one calls my son a genius, do you understand? Not even me. And Christ knows if he was one I’d know. So, don’t insult my intelligence.’

     
‘Bloody hell,’ groans Julian quietly. They’re fucking lunatics. He begins to move and Diamond grabs him again.

     
‘I’m giving you twenty-four ‘ours Julian. But I need a present now.’

     
‘Oh God, not my ear, please don’t send my ear to my mother.’

     
‘I was thinking more of that nice shiny motor you’ve got outside and we’ll see what else we can find in this lovely little flat of yours shall we?’

He turns to his sons.

      ‘Trash the joint.’

Mad Jack opens a gym bag and removes a baseball bat.

      ‘Oh Christ,’ groans Julian.

He lifts it high into the air and is about to bring it down onto the glass coffee table.

      ‘Aven’t you forgotten something?’ Jack asks exasperated

     
‘No, I don’t think so,’ replies Mad Jack.

     
‘We don’t wanna upset the neighbours do we?’

     
‘You want me to slit their throats first?’ suggests Mad Jack Junior.

     
‘Oh God,’ groans Julian.

     
‘No, I want you to put on some music so no one will ‘ear you doing the ‘ousework.’

Mad Jack
nods as Diamond pulls a shaky Julian into the kitchen.

     
‘How about a nice cuppa and a piece of that cake you made me Jules? Did I ever tell yer about the nice tea party I ‘ad with Fat Tessie when he owed me money?’

The booming strains of Lady Gaga drown out Jack Diamond’s words
but Julian hears enough to groan
Oh God
one more time.