Valentine Wishes (Baxter Academy Book 1) (27 page)

T
he line
of people goes on and on. Where were these friends when Theo was struggling in school? Or, where were they when he needed a friend but they had pushed him away, giving him a hard time and teasing him? I want to ask each and every one of his classmates that question, but I don’t. Let this be a lesson. One they will carry with them forever.

They are kids, which I have to remember, but old enough to have known better.

Well, maybe not when they were thirteen and Theo had changed. But, it’s not like they came around and tried to keep the friendships going.

I’m bitter, very bitter, but it’s not worth the time in effort.

But then a different set of kids start lining up. These are the ones who just spent the last month at camp. The ones who have known Theo for four years. Counselors arranged the trip because these kids wanted to be here. To pay their respects and I nearly loose it when the first one stops in front of me. These kids were Theo’s truest friends. Not that kids he went to school with.

My aunts and uncles are mingling and talking to neighbors, friends, the kids. Their children, my cousins, are just sitting in chairs, looking around, whispering to each other. Each and every one of them uncomfortable and scared. Tyler is standing next to me and grabs my hand on occasion. I showed him the letter. He’s the only one, besides Brett, who will ever know of its existence. Tyler assured me that if what Theo’s plan had happened, he would have come home anyway, despite Theo’s wishes.

I’m not the only one carrying guilt either. Tyler has a fair share of it because he was not here to watch out for his little brother. It didn’t matter that Theo was proud of Tyler for what he was doing, Tyler’s still eaten with guilt for not being around. We both have guilt and it’s something we are going to have to live with.

Ashley has been by the doors, watching. I know she’s looking for Brett and she isn’t the only one. The visitation started three hours ago and he’s still not here. He promised he would be. I got that he might be late if he couldn’t get out early, but he should have been here by now. He should have been here an hour ago, so where the hell was he?

Panic nearly grips my heart and I have visions of his car, off in a ditch somewhere. Or he’s been shot in the line of duty. Or something equally horrifying. He is either unconscious or dead somewhere, otherwise he’d be here.

The faces swarm and names are said, but none of it sticks. I nod, thank them for their condolences and then do the same to the next person, and the next, and the next. By the time the last of the mourners are through the line it’s eight and Brett never came.

Of all the time not to show up, this was not it. And, I sure as hell don’t appreciate having to worry about him at my brother’s visitation.

“Did you check your phone?” Ashley asks as Tyler drives us back home.

I forgot I even had a phone. Right now all I want is a glass of wine and something for the headache that’s been building. “No.”

“Check it. I’m sure he called.”

“It doesn’t matter.” He wasn’t there and that’s all that counts.

“You are so stubborn sometimes.” She grabs my purse and starts going through it.

I should tell her to mind her own business, but I don’t really care at the moment. I’d rather be mad at Brett. It was something I could really focus on and it felt good to be pissed instead of heartbroken and numb.

“Let me see.” She punches in my password, because she’s my best friend and knows everything. “There are about a dozen messages here.”

“He still didn’t show,” I mumble and look out the window.

“Hostage situation. Be there as soon as I can. Situation turned bad, hoping it’s over soon. Hostages harmed. Officers shot. Will be here. I’m so sorry. I love you. Please call. Jackie, call me. I love you. Please call.”

My phone rings.

“Don’t answer!”

“Jackie, I know how you can be.”

“Dammit, don’t answer the phone.”

Ashley sighs and sends it to voicemail. “He’s called three times,” she says after looking at my missed calls.”

“I waited for him all night, he can wait on me.”

Ashley starts typing into my phone.

“What are you doing?”

“Answering him, since you won’t.”

“What are you saying?”

“Thank you for the messages but I can’t talk right now.”

At least she wasn’t being nice for me.

“Aren’t you being a little hard on the guy?” Tyler finally says.

“Thank you,” Ashley pipes up from the back seat.

“He can’t help it that he couldn’t make it. It’s not like he decided to go out for pizza instead.”

“I know. I get it. But, if I can’t count on him to be here now, will I ever be able to count on him?”

“Don’t go down that road, Jackie,” Tyler warns.

“I’m already there. I have rules for dating for a reason.”

“Without giving him a break or trying to understand?” Tyler argues.

“This isn’t the first time it’s happened.”

“And it probably won’t be the last with this line of work.”

I glance back out the window, refusing to have this conversation. They aren’t me. They don’t know what it’s like to wait for someone and they don’t show only to find out they’re dead. Then worry when others don’t show up, afraid they are also dead. I’m not sure I can live like that. Can I date and possibly marry a guy that will be gone when I need him most? Who puts his life in danger because of his job?

I’m not sure I can do it.

S
he’s pissed
. She has every right to be and I don’t blame her, but it’s not like I had any control either. Nobody expected it to go so badly. Two hostages are dead, as well as a cop, and an FBI agent is wounded. We worked the scene through the night. I didn’t even stop to sleep, but went home, showered and dressed and drove to town. By the time I slip into a chair at the back of the room, the funeral is about over.

Jackie is in the front with a tall, dark-headed guy beside her. I assume it’s her brother Tyler. I can’t imagine anyone else would sit there, he doesn’t look familiar and he has a typical Army haircut. That, and he’s in dress uniform from what I can tell. Or, it could be a dark blue suit jacket. I won’t know until he stands and turns.

Ushers start releasing rows, and the people file past the casket and stop to hug Jackie and her brother. That’s when I realize I’ll be the last one. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, though it’s selfish of me to think about my feelings and her reaction when she sees me. We haven’t talked since before her brother arrived, three days ago.

Ashley gives Jackie a hug and starts down the aisle, when she sees me, slips into the seat beside me.

“How is she doing?” I whisper.

“About as good as can be expected.”

“Is she mad?”

“Royally pissed is more like it.”

My stomach tightens. “It’s not like I had any control. My choices were go to the robbery or be shipped to Alaska.”

“Hey, I know that. But, I know Jackie. I told you before you ever met her how she is. You weren’t just late, you were a no show.”

“What the hell was I supposed to do? Quit my job?”

“Hey, I get it. I’m just telling you how it is with her.”

I know how it is, but she’s got to understand and if she can’t, do I want to spend all my time trying to make it up to her, or afraid I’ll be in the dog house if I’m a minute late. I get her being mad because I wasn’t there. And, disappointed. But, there has got to be some understanding on her part too.

“There is some serious groveling in your future, but I’ll keep singing your praises and reminding her that she’s being unreasonable.”

“Thanks.” At least Ashley’s in my corner.

My row is motioned to stand. “See you out front,” Ashley says before ducking out the door. I make my way to the front, wishing I wasn’t the last person, but it’s not like I can cut in line.

Jackie doesn’t even respond when she looks at me. When I try to hug her, she just stiffens up and doesn’t return it. Now is not the time to have any kind of discussion so I kiss her on the cheek. “I’m sorry.” And it’s not just her brother’s death, but for everything.

Then I pause before her brother and hold out my hand. “Brett Robak. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Tyler’s eyes flood with sympathy and get the feeling he’s the one feeling sorry for me right now. That does not bode well for my future with Jackie.

Her family gathers around her, some nodding to me as I walk away.

I don’t even know what the fuck to do right now. Be there even though I couldn’t be last night or this morning? Will she even let me back?

Ashley is waiting by my car, which is the last one in the car line for the funeral procession.

“I pulled my car out of line. I thought we could ride together.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t really want to be alone right now. I’d drive myself nuts with recriminations. I should have fucking walked out of my job. I can work anywhere. Jackie needed me last night.

“Does it at least help that her brother is here?”

“Yeah, they’ve spent a lot of time together. Tyler doesn’t have to fly out until Wednesday so she’s grateful for that. She just wishes he didn’t have to go back at all.”

“Too bad they can’t claim a hardship, but with Jackie being an adult, it’s not like he has to remain stateside to take care of kids or something.”

Jackie and Tyler follow the casket out and watch as it’s loaded into the back of the hearse. Her face is devoid of emotion. Has she completely shut down?

“I worry about her.”

“Me too,” Ashley says.

The graveside service is short. I hang at the back with Ashley. Jackie and her family are in the chairs in front of the grave. Everyone is going to gather at the plantation house at the end, me included. I’m not going anywhere until I have to report back to work, or she kicks me out. Whichever comes first. I just hope she at least talks to me and I can beg her forgiveness.

One of Jackie’s aunts puts an arm around her shoulders when it’s done and begins walking her back to the house. Jackie needs this time with her family, and I follow at a distance. It’s Tyler who makes his way back to me.

“Theo wrote and told me you were a good guy.”

“I try.”

“Hang in there.”

“If she’ll let me.”

“I know my sister. She’s stubborn and pissed.”

“She has a right to be.”

“I also saw the letter.”

The suicide note. “Has anyone else?”

“No. I agree with Jackie that it isn’t anyone business to know what Theo was planning.”

I just nod.

“I’ll remind her of what he said about you, but it might take some time.”

“I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

He stops and looks at me. “Do you love her?”

My heart seizes. “Yeah and I really fucked this one up.”

He gives a small laugh. “She’s stubborn. I just hope she’s not stupid too.”

“You don’t even know me.” I finally say.

“Theo did, and thought highly of you. That’s enough for me.” He pats me on the back. “See you at the house.”

I
t is really
nice that all these people came to the funeral and back to the house for the wake, but I really wish they’d all leave. I’m also tired of trying to dodge Brett. I can’t have any discussion with him right now. My emotions are too raw.

He hasn’t really tried to approach me, but I know he’s lying in wait. He’ll pounce when everyone is gone and then I’ll have to talk to him. It’s not going to be an easy conversation but it’s one that needs to be had. I tried to explain to Ashley but she doesn’t get it and wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t make a hasty decision at a time like this. That I should give it some time.

And then there is my brother, Tyler the traitor. At least to me. He’s talked to Brett a few times. They two were sharing a beer out back earlier. They don’t even know each other, but their conversation appeared interesting enough from a distance. Tyler knows how upset I am. He’s my brother and should be on my side, not befriending Brett.

Tyler asked me last night if I’d write him off if he couldn’t have made it back, or decided to stay in Iraq. Of course I wouldn’t have. It’s totally different. Tyler is my brother and if duty called, he’d have to be there. It is the Army and it’s not like he has any choice.

However, I didn’t like that he pointed out that Brett is basically in service to his country too and couldn’t ignore an armed robbery that we now know had three fatalities.

It’s just different and they don’t understand. Neither Tyler nor Ashley does.

They can’t feel the hurt that I have. I needed Brett and he wasn’t there and I can’t get past it.

People are in the house, in the yard, everywhere. When the hell would they leave?

As if they heard me, and I know I didn’t say anything out loud, family friends start heading for the door. It isn’t a mad rush or anything, just one by one, bidding me goodbye, as if they stayed the prerequisite amount of time.

It took about an hour before everyone was gone except Tyler, Ashley and Brett, who was leaning against the doorjamb to the dining room.

“Take me to get my car,” Ashley tells Tyler instead of asking.

“Sure.” He pushes a Coke into my hand and heads out the door after Ashley, leaving me alone with Brett.

Traitors, both of them.

Brett is watching me. “How are you doing?”

“How do you think?”

I hear dishes clank in the kitchen. I thought everyone had gone.

“It’s your grandmother’s maid. She wanted to be here to clean up so you didn’t need to worry about it.”

“Oh!”

He takes a step forward. “Jackie, you have to know I would have been here if I could have.”

“But you weren’t.”

“The situation was out of my control. I had no say.”

“You couldn’t have just left, shift over.” I know that is unfair, but I have to lash out at someone. Get these damn emotions out of my body. They’ve been building for days. Anger, pain, disappointment, guilt, rage, loss. Unbearable loss.

“It doesn’t work that way and you know it.”

I look up in to his eyes. “The job will always come first.”

“Not always but sometimes it can’t be helped.”

At least he’s honest.

“I want you to know that I do love you. I probably always will on some level, but we can’t be together.” There, I said it, but why don’t I feel relieved.

“What?”

“I’ve been giving it a good deal of thought, even before last night.”

“I don’t think this is the best time to make any decision. You’ve gone through too much. Wait until you can breathe, step back and look at everything from a distance.”

I anticipated his argument, but it all hit me last night and he’ll see it to. “The signs have been there from the beginning. It doesn’t matter what we feel for each other, the universe is against us.”

He blinks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. I haven’t. Of that I’m certain.

“Signs? Universe? What kind of babble is that?”

Now I’m pissed. I wanted to try and make him understand, certain that eventually he would, but how dare he insult me by calling it babble, as if I’m a child. “Flat tire, stalker, my grandmother’s surgery, sent away for six weeks for your job, snake bite, my brother. Every time things are going good for us and we think whatever bad thing that happened is over, something worse happens.”

“Those are coincidences, not fate warning us of anything.”

“I don’t believe in coincidences. Those are signs. We are not meant to be together. It’s better that we realize that now and save us a lot of hurt in the future.”

“So, the fact that I love you, the only woman I have ever loved, means nothing because of signs and weird coincidences?”

He’s yelling now and I’m good with that. Better than good. I need to yell at someone too. Fight with him. Then I’ll feel better. Something has got to make me feel better.

“Yes. I can’t do it and I’m not willing to keep doing this.”

“So you are tossing what we have away?” It’s as if he can’t believe me, like I’m talking some foreign language or something. “That’s it then?”

“Yes. Goodbye Brett.”

He stares at me, studying me and looking into my eyes as if he’s searching my soul.

“What are you afraid of?” he finally asks.

Tears spring to my eyes. The first ones since Tyler came home. I’ve kept a handle on everything until now. “Losing you. Losing my heart and never getting it back. Of hurting.”

“So you decide to run?”

“Yes, I can and I am. I can’t take another loss and I’d rather break now then be destroyed later.”

“You are mourning the loss of your brother. Give it time before we make drastic decisions.”

He doesn’t get it. “I’m not going to stop mourning my brother.”

“Of course not, but you need time.”

“Yes, I do need time. Alone.”

Finally Brett steps back. His eyes harden and jaw tenses. “Find me when you’re ready to live again. But don’t take too long.”

He practically slams the door behind him and I sink down onto the steps in the foyer. The pain in my chest is tight, burning, building until the only way to relieve the pressure is cry. The tears will not stop. I’m curled up in a ball on the floor of by grandmother’s foyer and I can’t stop sobbing. Ugly, loud sobs, and they keep coming like lava erupting from a volcano with no end. I was supposed to feel better after this.

Not like I have just made the biggest mistake of my life.

T
he first week was hard
, but I didn’t call Jackie. I refused. She wanted time so I was giving her time. Plus, her brother was home and it was important that she spend time with Tyler before he flew back to Iraq. The last thing I wanted to do was infringe on what little time she had to spend with him. Plus, I really hoped Jackie would call once Tyler was gone and things began to settle.

She didn’t.

The second week was tougher than the first. Surely that should have been enough time for her to think about everything that happened and maybe look back with clearer eyes. I expected her to want to talk or at least call.

She didn’t.

By the end of the third week I’ve gone from being hurt to being pissed. How dare she throw everything away because of
signs
? I don’t need this kind of crazy in my life. I’ve got to be better off without her. I should just fucking forget her.

I can’t.

Ten times a fool. A full month and I’m still waiting for her to call. She started all of this and should have called by now. Maybe I should call her.

I don’t.

Another month goes by as I wait her out. It’s a test. If I didn’t love her so much this wouldn’t hurt so much. But, I’m just as stubborn as she is. Then again, maybe after all this time she’s afraid to call me. I should call her, make the first move and see what happens.

I don’t.

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around, I decide I can’t do this anymore. I need some kind of closure. Had it just ended without anything else going on, I’d move on. But Jackie ended the same day she buried her brother and that’s what gets me. Is it what she really wanted or was it because of everything that happened? And now that she’s had time to think, changed her mind but thought it was too late? It’s what I hope is the case and I’m not so proud that I won’t take the first step.

Besides, I’m still not over her even though only a fool would still love someone after they were treated the way Jackie treated me. And, it’s not like my life is going to change either and I’ll still be called away, which she hates. We probably aren’t a good match and if I were smart I’d just forget her and find a more reasonable woman to date.

But, I love her. Like I’ve never loved anyone and I have to talk to her at least one more time. Either to mend the break or finally put this all behind me.

Except I don’t call her. I’m not going to give her the option of ignoring my calls and this is not a conversation that should take place over the phone anyway. Instead, I go to the plantation house and my stomach clenches and I bite back panic.

It’s shut up. As in, nobody lives there. I walked around and peek in all the windows. Sheets cover most of the furniture and not one light is lit. Even in the middle of the afternoon in the summer, the inside lights need to be on. It doesn’t get enough natural for it to be bright.

Where the hell did she go?

Had something happened to her grandmother?

I would know if it had. I’d been watching the news from this area, and reading the papers. Even if she would have passed away I would have read the obituary.

As she hadn’t, where the hell were they?

I could go to one of her aunts and uncles, but that just doesn’t feel right. They were nice enough to me but they may not talk now that Jackie broke up with me.

Instead, I go to my source from the beginning. If Ashley isn’t at the club then I’ll call her.

“She moved.” Ashley shrugs.

“Moved?”

“To New York, the city.”

“Why?”

“She didn’t want to live in that big house by herself.”

“What about her grandmother?”

“Still in the assisted living place and she’s not leaving.”

Had she declined? Jackie’s gone through enough that she shouldn’t have to lose her grandmother too.

“Has her own place, friends, more active than she ever was back at the plantation.”

I blow out a breath.

“Jackie wanted her home but when she saw how happy Mrs. Baxter was, she let it go, closed the house, added new classes to her schedule and moved to New York.”

This is not what I was expecting. “Do you have her address?”

Sadness clouds Ashley’s eyes. “I can’t give it to you.”

“Come on, Ashley. I’ve waited for her to call and she hasn’t. I need to talk to her.”

“Brett, I know you two belong together. I called that before you two ever met, but she doesn’t want to see you.”

“So, make it happen.”

“She’s my best friend. I can’t betray her like that.”

“Fine!” You’d think I was an axe murderer or something by the way Ashley is protecting Jackie. I grab my phone and punch in Jackie’s number. Enough is enough.

“I’m sorry. The number you have dialed is no longer in service.”

I hang up and look at Ashley.

“Got a new phone and changed her number.”

“Can you at least give me that?”

“Sorry.”

I should have called sooner. I should have gone to see her. There are all kinds of should haves but none of them are doing me any good now.

“Hey, if it’s any consolation, I don’t think she’s over you.”

This grabs my attention.

“How do you know because she has a funny way of showing it?”

A small smile forms. “Because I may mention your name, a lot.”

“And.” Ashley can’t leave me hanging like this.

“She may or may not get a little teary-eyed and tell me to shut up.”

This is the best news. Well, as long as the tears aren’t because she’s still hurt that I didn’t make it to the visitation.

She leans over the counter. “I’m not the only one who feels that way,” she whispers.

I don’t know why she’s whispering but I do to. “Who?”

“Tyler.” Her grin widens. “He’s writing her more, and emailing when he can. I saw a letter on her table from him last week that asked if she was still being stupid about you.”