Veil (53 page)

“Everything is known through logic.
Especially God, because God is everything. The universe, god,
consciousness, truth, everything … they’re all words for the same
thing. They’re discovered through logic,” he proclaimed throughout
the years, in one shape or another.

“Ok, Spock,” was generally Hunter’s reply,
which usually put an end to the conversation. There wasn’t an
existential bone in Hunter’s body.

Hunter described how, as the First Veil Year
wound down, well before people started demarcating time in Veil
Years, Ken already suspected the memory business was going to
flourish. And not only flourish, but become legitimized and
regulated. He described how
,
within the
first few months that Veil took hold, Ken predicted—and Suren had
no trouble believing it—nearly all the ways Veil would permeate and
change society.

“He approached it almost like a plague or a
virus. Like the spreading of an infection. His goal was to apply
Veil to as many different aspects of life, culture, society or what
have you, as he could and imagine what each would look like after
Veil was done with it.”

Hunter explained that Ken knew how valuable
of a commodity memories were going to become, especially specific
memories. From General Coffman’s trial, they already knew the
individual who murdered Jin was a hired gun. It wasn’t much of a
stretch for Ken to assume a person, who was motivated by money to
such an extent they were willing to kill for it, would also jump at
the opportunity to cash in on the memory of Jin’s murder.
Especially once he figured out, if he didn’t already know, that he
killed the Great Jin Tsay.

“Back then
,
only a
handful of memory dealers existed. It was all underground, illegal
stuff. He tracked them all down and offered each some huge reward
if they notified him when someone came knocking to sell a memory of
the murder of Jin Tsay. He told them he wanted to be the Vault for
the memory and the reward for allowing him the first chance would
be immense. They could also never tell anyone, least of all
you
.
”

“But why? Why would he want it?” she asked.
She was pretty sure she already knew the answer but felt compelled
to ask anyway. “Why would he want to Vault that memory? Why would
he do that to himself?”

“He knew when the memory surfaced in the
underground it could take years for any of us to catch wind of it.
By then, the memory could’ve spread and who knew how far and wide?
He couldn’t bear the thought of that. He couldn’t bear the thought
of you finding out that countless people bought the memory of Jin’s
murder from the seedy underbelly of Veil’s infancy.”

Suren listened to Hunter, and she gazed at
Ken’s face. He was still unconscious, but his face indicated pain;
it was frozen in a sweaty grimace. When she first read Ken’s name
on the list and learned he was the Vault
,
she might’ve suspected he’d only do something like that with good
intentions. Suren might’ve known that pretty deep down. However,
any knowledge of it was devoured by the rage she felt over what she
saw as his betrayal. Despite what he might have intended, she felt
she had the right to know. But, that was before she really knew.
Before she really knew exactly what the memory contained. Knowing
that, all she could think about was what it must’ve done to Ken.
How horribly he must’ve suffered for the last six years.

“So … what happened?” she asked with a
tremble.

“He got the call a couple of years later,
from some weird little Mariano fellow. Well, you know. You were at
his store. So he got the call, and he got himself ready. He knew he
would have to be prepared.”

“Prepared?”

“Prepared to have to tell you, mostly. But,
also prepared for having to experience the memory. He knew what
Veils of death experiences did to people. We all knew by then.”

“The Veil Flatliners.”

“Yeah, exactly. That was before the Right To
Veil bill. Not that the RTV bill put a total stop to vFlatliners,
but it was still before most people really knew what kind of damage
vFlatlining could do. What Veiling a death could do. It was before
any official statement was made. For a lot of people, the RTV bill
was like a huge Veil warning label, like the kind they had back
when cigarettes were still around. A big ‘Don’t Say We Didn’t
Fucking Warn You’ sticker.”

“But that only concerned Veiling a person who
was dying. I mean, that’s what the Veil Flatliners did, they would
Veil dying people to experience death, although they knew there was
this huge risk that it could drive them mad. I don’t see how that
applies here.” She babbled on, thinking out loud. “A vFlatliner’s
own mind, after experiencing death, would assume it had died as
well, after their brain experienced the pain of death. Going insane
was almost a guarantee. But … but this was different, this wasn’t a
vFlatline memory. That Ken knew of anyway.”

“True, true. Oh, definitely. But, Ken wasn’t
willing to take any risk. And, well, to be honest, I wasn’t willing
to let him.” Hunter stopped mid-thought and gasped. “Oh god. Oh my
god, I just realized. God, what if he hadn’t? Oh my god.”

“Hadn’t what?”

Hunter pressed the rag against Ken’s forehead
as tears streamed from his eyes.

“Oh my god,” was all he could say.

Her voice lowered an octave.
“
Hunter
.”

He snapped out of it and looked at her. “Oh,
sorry … sorry. Well, we decided it would be best to be safe,
because we didn’t know how it would affect him … like, if it could
damage him. I mean, we didn’t suspect it would be a vFlatline
memory at all, you’re right about that, but we figured witnessing
Jin’s death through the mind of his killer could still damage and
scar Ken’s psyche. So we decided it would be best for him to have
some kind of buffer in place to shield him from any kind of undue
trauma.”

“Buffer?”

“Yeah, that’s the best way to describe it.
What Ken came up with was his own spin on what Jin did to … what he
did … to you. When he Veiled you. What he did to your memory.”

Suren’s eyes darted back to Ken’s face. After
all those years, that one thing was still a sore spot for her. Ken
knew that. A very sore spot.

Hunter went on. “He set up the Veil process
to create markers in his own memory
,
so
afterwards he could chemically target everything between those
markers to keep his brain from accessing the memory. He tweaked it
so he wouldn’t forget the memory altogether. He still needed to
have some kind of access to it, in case he could use it as a way to
track down Jin’s killer. That was before he knew, well, you know …
what it was. Before we knew what the memory was.”

Suren nodded and rubbed Ken’s hand. She
couldn’t begin to imagine how much he must’ve suffered.

“So, he put this buffer in place that would
kind of numb him to the experience. That’s what I meant before,
what I just realized when I said ‘oh god.’ Now that we know whose
memory it was and what kind of memory it is, I mean … had he not
gone in with that shield in place.”

Suren shuddered at that possibility. Had Ken
not been prepared, he wouldn’t have survived. There was no way he
could have, and she knew it for sure just from witnessing how badly
it tore him up. The pain and trauma vFlatliners experienced after
their Veil was unrelenting and permanent. After a couple of days of
torment, they were psychologically and physically exhausted. It was
a torture no one could imagine.

To witness such torture happening to a
vFlatliner, to watch it take hold of them, was almost too much.
Unbearable pain, self-inflicted harm, nonstop blood-curdling
screams. As if their entire existence were eternally reduced to one
single sensation: pain. It was the pain of death without actually
dying, and it never ended. Ever. It continued until the vFlatliner
couldn’t take it anymore and fell over—dead. Death from trauma. It
was the worst kind of nightmare anyone could imagine. If one could
describe the experience of hell, you’d expect it to sound a lot
like how a vFlatliner felt when they got their Witness back and the
memory of dying hit them.

Had that happened to Ken, and because of
Jin’s memory … because he was trying to avenge his friend and
trying to protect her … Suren couldn’t bring herself to think about
it. She closed her eyes and shook her head violently. Hunter
reached across Ken and grabbed her hand to comfort her.

“That first time, it was hell. I’d never seen
anything like it. I’d never seen him like that. The screaming. Fuck
… all the screaming. It was hell. I gave him the pills that he
intended to suppress the memory with, but they didn’t work quickly
enough. I gave him a shot of the same chemical to try to speed it
up
.
I had to be careful not to give him
too much, but it didn’t really help either anyway. All I could do
was sit and wait and watch. Sit with him. Try and comfort him
somehow. I didn’t know if he’d ever get through it. I couldn’t be
sure if the buffer we tried to put up was going to work. I never
imagined it was going to be that bad. If I knew … if I suspected, I
wouldn’t have let him. There’s no way, I hope you know that.”

“Of course. Of course I do. I know.” She put
her hand on top of his hand
,
which was
still resting on top of hers. “Of course I know, Hunter.”

Hunter cried and studied Ken’s face while he
continued. His chin quivered and his voice lowered. “He was in so
much pain. And there was nothing I could do but sit there and hold
him. I’d never really been in love before, not like with Ken, so I
didn’t know what it was like to see someone you love go through so
much pain. I wanted to endure it for him. I wanted it to be me
instead. I couldn’t handle seeing him like that. I wanted to take
all his pain. ”

“I know you did. I know you love him.”

Hunter kept going and let the words pour out
of him. “I didn’t know what he saw, what he experienced, and the
only thing he said, over and over again, was that Jin wasn’t dead.
Finally, the chemical started to kick in, and he began to calm
down. Eventually, he fell asleep. He slept for four days straight.
I was so scared. I almost wished he kept screaming, because at
least then I would’ve known he was still in there. I didn’t know if
I lost him. I didn’t know if he was gone. Really gone.”

He took his hand out from under Suren’s and
unfolded the rag, flipped it, and doubled it over again so that the
blood and sweat were folded up on the inside. He patted Ken’s
forehead with it and continued talking.

“He regained consciousness and he wasn’t
screaming. So that was a good sign. But he wasn’t ok, you know? He
wasn’t himself. Now that I know, I understand why. But he
definitely wasn’t himself.”

“That’s why he was in the hospital, wasn’t
it?”

“Yeah, they classified it as a nervous
breakdown, but only because we didn’t tell them what happened. But
yeah, for two weeks. He got better, but it changed him. It really
shook him, made him raw. And, like I said, now I understand why. I
only wish I knew six years ago. Not that it would’ve helped. It
wouldn’t have changed anything, but at least then I would’ve
understood. It’s like he’s aged twenty-six years in the six years
since he found the memory. I mean, look at his hair for fuck’s
sake. He’s gone through so much. So much pain and stress.”

“Here let me,” she offered and reached for
the rag.

Hunter let it go and put his hands on Ken’s
arm, which rested at his side.

She attempted to reassure Hunter while she
dabbed Ken’s face. “He probably couldn’t put it into words. Or
maybe he was afraid to, like it would conjure up the memory. I
don’t know. But knowing Ken, we both know he did it to protect you
… to protect us.”

“Yeah, I know,” Hunter sighed. “That doesn’t
make it any easier. Knowing he had to suffer alone.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“But, at the very least, we knew the buffer
worked. It was traumatic and painful for him but it eventually wore
off. He never had to face it again until the first time someone
bought the memory. Each time that happens, he has to chemically
remove the buffer, perform the Veil, and then chemically replace
the buffer. Each time he has to live the memory over again. Each
time it happened, it was the same.” He nodded toward Ken. “Just
like this.”

“You poor thing,” Suren whispered at Ken
while she lovingly patted his face with the rag.

“He said he learned enough from the very
existence of the memory itself to approach Jin’s murder from a
different angle. He said—and it was all he said—that the memory
didn’t contain anything he could use but the fact that it existed
meant he, it meant we all, were looking in the wrong places. So, he
started doing some things. He didn’t tell me everything he was
doing, but he did some things.”

“What things?”

“First off, and this was the very first thing
we did after we left the hospital, over my protests, he insisted we
go to your old house.”

“My house? My hou—oh, wait, I remember that.
You two said Ken really wanted to see me. That he missed me.”

“Yeah, yeah. I mean, he did, but he had other
purpose, too. He said he had to, absolutely had to, disable your
vCollar. He was adamant. He had to, and he had to right away.”

“He disabled my Veil?”

“Yes, that very same day. I don’t know how he
did it or what he did to it, but whatever memory you bought last
night, you wouldn’t have been able to get it. It wouldn’t have left
your Veil.”

“Thank God,” she said as she leaned down and
kissed Ken’s forehead.

“Uh, yeah. Totally,” he chuckled. “Especially
now … knowing. Fuck. It would’ve been all … ‘bye-bye Suren’, ya
know?”