Vice (17 page)

Kate gazed at him, her cheeks white, her eyes wide. Shit, he was scaring her when he should be comforting her. It seemed the emotion he elicited more than anything in her was fear. This is what came from expressing himself. He didn’t know how to do it properly, like a sane person.

“Liam, I know you’re trying to help, but I’ve lived with this a lot longer than you. I’m usually very careful with my medication.” Her voice dropped almost to a whisper. “It’s been a long time. Please, don’t worry about me.”

Don’t worry about her. Right. He’d never stop now.

When Kate saw Lisa’s number come up on her cell display the next day, she grew excited. She missed her friend and felt badly about not checking in more frequently. They were so out of the loop with each other. Were Georgie and Sarah doing all right? Was Lisa keeping her head above water? God only knew she had her own updates to share, including her whiling away the hours at Vice with Liam. That wouldn’t go over well. Even still, she clicked the keypad, eager to have a good chinwag and determined to bring Lisa up to speed.

“Hey,” she said brightly as Lisa picked up. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“I tried to reach you the other day.”

“You didn’t try very hard. A couple of cryptic ‘don’t worry about me’ messages in a week? All kinds of things went through my head.”

“I wanted to talk to you, not a machine. Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch more, but there’s been a lot going on…”

“Like hanging around with Liam Doyle? Is that what’s keeping you so busy?”

Shit. Donny told her. After avoiding his wife’s presence for weeks, she should have known he would have made an exception so he could run home and tattle like a child. “Lisa, there’s a reason I’m here.”

“And I’m assuming it has nothing to do with your pathetic protest, right? Remember when you had morals?” Lisa’s voice grew with every syllable. Kate knew her friend was in a fragile place, but her tone still stung.

“Lisa.”

“Don’t ‘Lisa’ me. Before Donny told me everything, I was worried sick about you. And all the while, you’re playing footsie in Vice. I heard how Doyle came to your rescue. How he held you in his slimy embrace.”

“Now wait a minute. You’re not even giving me a chance to explain.”

“I don’t want your explanations, Kate. I want your friendship, and your loyalty. I want you to leave that place now, and come home. I want you to tell Liam Doyle he can go to hell.”

“I can’t do that. It’s not what you think.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” she scoffed. “My life is falling apart, and my best friend is fucking the owner of the casinos my husband lost all our money in. What is
wrong
with you? I know it’s been a while since you got laid, but I thought your standards were higher.”

“You’re just being cruel now. You don’t understand.”

“I understand perfectly. I understand you’re no longer my friend. I understand you will stay away from me and my children, and stay out of my life. Do you hear me?”

“Lisa,” she whispered, unable to make her voice any louder. “Don’t do this.”

“I mean it, Kate. I looked up to you.” She let out a sob. “But now, I can’t even bear the thought of looking at you.” She slammed her phone down and the line went dead.

Kate stared, dazed, and listened to the flat noise. That dial tone would forever be the soundtrack of her life spiraling out of control.

“No,” she murmured. “No. She’s just hurt right now.” Donny might be spouting his vitriol in her ear now, but Lisa was a smart woman. She’d see through what he was doing. Like any compulsive gambler worth his salt, he’d pounced on a chance to make someone else look bad in his stead. Her father had done it dozens of times.

Don’t blame me your mother ran out of money to pay the bills. She should have organized the finances better.

It’s not my fault your cousin doesn’t have enough cash to pay for his knee procedure. Yeah, he loaned me some money, but he should have gotten some insurance.

Don’t blame me for going to the casino for a couple of hours of fun. Maybe if the women in my life were more interesting, I’d have stayed home.

Don’t blame me. It’s not my fault.

Always someone else’s problem.

She’d give Lisa some space and try her again in a day or two. It would have to work. The thought of losing her was too much to bear right now.

Thank God she had Liam. He’d been her rock and she wouldn’t let Lisa or anyone else badmouth him. They didn’t know him like she did.

Do you really know him at all?

Oh, she hated her fucking inner voice.

She looked at the clock, wondering when he’d come through the door. He’d gone to work, promising to return in a few hours. She had to admit, she rather enjoyed dwelling in his fantasy suite, but it seemed so empty without him.

When he walked through the door around six, she flew into his arms.

“Hey,” he said, kissing her with a tired chuckle. He pried her off long enough to peer into her face and frown. “What happened?”

She told him what Lisa said and his frown grew deeper. When she finished, he just stared at her.

“After everything you did for her and her kids. That sucks, Kate.”

“It’s been over a week and I didn’t even bother to let her know I was alive or dead. What was I thinking? I’ve been a bad friend.”

He raised her chin, making her look at him. “You wouldn’t know how. Lisa has no idea what you’ve been through. Remember the reason you came here in the first place. Don’t beat yourself up for this. I mean it.”

“Maybe I never should have come here. It’s been like a dream, but I need to get back to reality.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I? Liam, despite everything, despite your generosity, it’s wrong for me to be here.”

His face began to harden. “You’re safe here. I don’t want you to go.”

“But…”

“No buts, Kate.” His eyes took on a possessive gleam. “Stay with me.”

Even though his face was so serious, so set with determination, his voice cracked. When he looked at her like that, she couldn’t say no to him. He was her great vice, her only temptation. People like her dad and Donny might gamble their lives away, but Kate was powerless before Liam’s persuasions. He whittled away all her good sense.

“Liam,” she said. “I can’t hide here with you forever.”

He began to breathe heavily, his gaze hovered near her lips, but unfocused. “Yes, you can. I want you to stay, and you know you want it too.”

Before she could stop him, he dropped to his knees. He pushed up her shirt and kissed her bare waist. His fingers slid up her legs, under her skirt, pushing it up toward her waist. His face, contorted by desire, made the hairs on her arms stand on end, but she didn’t stop him. Dammit, she wanted him even more because of it.

He reached for her panties and dragged them down her legs. Unthinking, she stepped out of them. As she took in the sight of the silky cloth on the floor, Liam pulled her to him and buried his face in her pussy. She cried out as his tongue made hot contact with her skin.

He wasn’t gentle. He sucked and bit and demanded her orgasm with every move. As much as she wanted to fall to the floor, to kick and thrash, he held her upright as he continued his ferocious adoration. There was nothing polite about this lovemaking, nothing sweet. Just Liam, showing her how much he needed her, how badly he needed her to come. She banged on his shoulders, eager for him to stop, only to pull at his hair, desperate for him to continue.

He released her pussy lips for one moment and stared at her from the floor. His lips, swollen and wet, seemed to mirror his bright gaze. “You’ll stay with me. Now come.”

His mouth met with her again, and she reeled under his touch. Heat streaked across her skin, setting her on fire from the inside out. He plunged his tongue into her pussy, staking his claim, and she capitulated. Writhing in his grip, her knees buckled. Horrible, wonderful pressure sliced through her belly, making her ache and squirm. And just when she thought she could take no more, he nibbled on her clit and she exploded into a million pieces. She was sure her head had ended up somewhere in the corner of the room.

Only then did he let her fall to the floor. She lay, dazed, and waited for him to rip at his clothes and fuck her like an animal. But he didn’t.

Liam just sat next to her and ran a gentle hand through her hair, a sad smile on his lips. “I won’t let you go,” he said, pulling her to him.

When she’d first agreed to stay at Vice, Kate had worried he might be a bad influence on her. Now she wondered if she was a bad influence on him. He’d already lost so much. The idea of losing anyone else had turned him into a possessive beast. And she didn’t know how to help him other than give him the raw physicality he craved.

Maybe they were each other’s vice, after all.

And maybe this feral need in him proved he’d be better off without her.

Chapter Fourteen

That evening, Kate decided she needed to get out of Vice altogether. Liam hadn’t been thrilled, still worried about her seizures and Vaughan. However, she accepted his offer of a car and a drive from Wade.

The best medicine for her right now would be to attend a New Horizons meeting. She hadn’t been back since the attack, and she missed her pals, especially in light of Lisa’s comments. As much as she’d shied away recently, she was now eager to attend and just be there.

Of course, she had every expectation Lisa had given them a run-down on her activities at Vice, and her liaison with Liam. She hoped, however, that they’d listen to her and hear the voice of reason, unlike Lisa. After all, she’d spent years listening to them, supporting them through their trials.

Wade parked outside the building and Kate breathed a sigh of relief as she entered the group room. She understood these people, understood their challenges, and they needed her as much as she needed them.

Eager to see some smiles from some friendly faces, she looked for a free chair and sat down, feeling like the new kid entering class for the first time.

Heads turned in her direction, but not with warm welcome. Rather, her old friends regarded her with apparent distrust.

“Hey, guys,” she said quietly, smiling and waving a hand. “I know it’s been a while, but…”

They all looked to Rod now. He clenched his jaw, stood and came over. “Kate, can we speak outside, please?”

She stood and followed him out. “Okay.” She had a bad feeling about this.

Once out of earshot of the other group members, he laid it all out for her. “Look. There’s been some discussion in the group, and most of us don’t feel comfortable with you here right now.”

“What?” They couldn’t have passed judgment on her already, could they? Not without hearing her side first.

Rod turned a bit red. “Kate, are you going to make me go into detail? I was kind of hoping to spare you the embarrassment.”

“Um, too late.”

“All right, I’ll spell it out for you. Lisa told the group how you’ve been socializing with Liam Doyle. At Vice.”

“Socializing? Well, she was more diplomatic with you than she was with me.” As her heart began its sink, she crossed her arms over her chest. “Lisa has the wrong end of the stick, and so do you.”

“Well, you left me in charge of the group, and I still have to think of them and how things appear. We have some very fragile egos here.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m the leader, remember? The one who brought you all together.” Okay, now this was just pissing her off.

“I’m sorry, Kate, but I’m doing what I think is best. Maybe once you sort things out, you can come back.”

“Sort things out?” She squawked in disbelief. “Rod, the only reason I’m staying at Vice is because I was
attacked
. Liam saved me. He offered to help.”

“You were attacked?”

“Yes.” She put up a hand. “You know what? Never mind. I’ve devoted myself to this group and the minute my life goes to pot, I get booted? Well, then I really don’t want to be here.”

“Kate, wait…”

“No. You go back to your precious group. I’m sure they’ll be lost without their new head honcho.” Fleeing before she burst into tears, she raced outside and toward Wade’s waiting car. He opened the back door to the Escalade and she dove inside.

The security guard eyed her warily as he climbed in the driver’s seat. “Where to?”

Where to? She had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to other than the man in whose arms she’d come alive, but with whom she’d also lost part of herself. And as much as she wanted to run away from Liam and from everyone else, she was always drawn back to him, like a boomerang.

“Vice. Where else?”

She sighed, noticing how Wade tried to be stealthy in sending a text, no doubt to Liam.

Liam. As much as she craved him, craved his taste and his touch, this no longer felt right. Maybe it never did. She’d gained a lover, perhaps even someone she could fall in love with, but his acute attentions rattled her. His violent loving made her doubt her sanity. With him, although she’d experienced physical euphoria, it had left her numb and hollow.

He’d lost so much in life, and had made strides, especially by letting go of Michelle. But then he’d transferred those intense needs onto Kate. As much as she was glad she’d helped him with his abandonment issues, she was under no delusion that his demons had been vanquished. Not by a long shot.

He was two men in one. She might have fallen for the owner of those seductive grins, but she was scared of the man behind those dark appetites.

Oh God, I
have
fallen for him.

No. Impossible. She could never fall for anyone so grasping, so needy. In some ways, he reminded her of her father, someone who always needed more. More money, more friends, more attention. That’s what he really got out of his habit, but only for a time. She’d lived with lies and deceit all her life. If this was her new rock bottom, losing her friends, and she had to start over, she owed it to herself to start over in a healthier frame of mind.

What she had with Liam was in no way healthy.

She had to let him go, so they could both let go of the past. It was the only way. They’d been too wrapped up in each other, and it had become too easy to forget the outside world and pretend everything was okay. She couldn’t carry on this way, existing just for Liam.

And yet every time she remembered the way he caressed her, she grew weak in the knees. It was all so wrong. Hell, they’d barely had a real date. The night at Franky’s seemed so long ago. They’d gone from throwing barbs at one another to him throwing her on the nearest surface and fucking her senseless. Not exactly the basis of a stable relationship. How could she love him?

Maybe because she glimpsed something in him that no one else had ever seen. Even though he’d initially held back from her, he’d revealed his heart. She couldn’t forget that moment, as much as he’d walled it back up.

As she expected, by the time they pulled up at Vice, he was standing on the walkway, waiting for them. He was dressed for work, but his pressed shirt was open at the collar with no tie. There were dark circles under his eyes and his handsome face looked strained and pale.

Like an addict.

She slid her compact out of her purse, eyed her reflection, and saw the same qualities in her own face. She’d become a desperate woman, looking for her next fix.

She replaced the mirror in her bag and looked back at him. This wasn’t the same playfully cocky Liam Doyle she’d first met. Had that man ever existed? She wasn’t sure anymore. All she knew was, even though this Liam scared her, he also drew her like a six-foot magnet. She just didn’t know how to relate to him. She had questions he didn’t want to answer, and he wanted to explore carnal depths that made her only question him more.

He opened up the car door for her and she slid out. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Wade tells me you had a rough time. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it isn’t.” He let out a sigh and fiddled with one of the buttons on his shirt. “Listen, do you want to go somewhere and talk?”

Talk. Now he wanted to talk. Her heart walloped her insides in a beat she didn’t recognize. It was too late for talk.

She needed to do this. It was now or never.

This would be her true rock bottom.

“Kate?”

“You know, Liam, I’d say yes if I thought we were actually going to talk to each other, but that’s not going to happen, is it? We’ll go back to your room, or some other random room, and just fuck like we always do.”

He held her gaze, as if wondering where she was going with this.

“I’m checking out of Vice. I can’t be here. Just associating with you, being here in this hotel, has lost me my friends. I was wrong to come in the first place. I got carried away, got tempted by this glitzy world you live in, tempted by you, and now I’m paying for it.” She moved past him toward the lobby door.

He reached for her hand. “You can’t do that. You can’t go.”

“I can and I will.”

“Kate, it’s not safe for you out there.”

She whipped around on him. “Jesus, Liam. It’s not safe for me here! Don’t you get it? I can’t be around you. You make me…want things I can’t have.”

He drew dangerously close. His voice was deep and soft on her ear. “You can have them. You can have anything you want. I’ll get it for you.”

“Don’t you understand? I never
wanted
you to get me things. I just wanted to know you, to see where things might go. But we’ve become addicted to each other. You’ve avoided your work. I’ve avoided my life. I don’t even have a fucking job! We’ve just lived in a bubble with each other. It’s not healthy.”

He grabbed her hand and dragged her into a quiet alcove, away from the main entrance. “I don’t care if it’s healthy or not.”

“Don’t you get it? I’m your new Michelle. I’m your crutch, and you’ve become mine.”

Liam’s mouth fell open.

“I never wanted to be that for you. I want to be something better.”

He pulled her to him and lay his forehead against hers. “You are the best thing I’ve ever known.” His fingers clawed against her back, his nails dug into her clothing. He held on as if he was gripping a life preserver. “I can’t let you go.”

“You’d keep me here against my will?”

He looked at her, eyes tragic yet wild. “What do you think I am? A fucking maniac? I just want to love you,” he cried out. “Kate, I love you.”

Oh. There they were. The words that would echo in her brain and sear her as she walked away. But she had to do this, for both of them.

“You don’t love me, Liam. We don’t know each other well enough. You haven’t let me get close enough to really know you.” There, she said it, even though it made her heart break.

He drew her in and smashed his mouth against hers, thrusting his tongue between her lips and nearly destroyed her resolve.

“I know everything about you,” he said. “I’ve seen your fears and your dreams. I’ve seen your quirks. I know you cover your mouth with your hand when you chew your food. I know you always tie the left shoe before the right. I know how you play with your hair when you’re nervous. I know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. I know how your body curls into mine when we sleep. I know how to make you whimper with need and how to make your body sing with joy. I know all the important things.” He stroked her cheek, his touch more gentle now, but no less desperate. “And the rest I can learn. You’re not my crutch, Kate. You’re my hope.”

Oh, Jesus, keep me strong.
The tears broke free and he took turns wiping and kissing them away. She wanted to believe him, to believe their love wasn’t sick.

Rock bottom
. Her words came back to haunt her. She hated rock fucking bottom.

Who was she kidding? Their affair was doomed from the start. She should never have set foot inside Liam’s office. She’d seen his tattered heart and had wanted to put it back together. He’d glimpsed her bruised soul and had hidden her away. She’d felt like Cinderella with him, but really she was no better than a two-bit Rapunzel, locked away in a tower.

They enabled each other. Their love was like a Vegas casino, bright and lively on the outside, but cloaked in darkness, heedless of time and responsibility. They’d reveled in each other, forgetting the outside world, rather than learning how to function in it.

They couldn’t really love each other unless they learned to stand on their own first. She needed to let him go and stop hiding. She needed to hurt him.

Hopefully it wouldn’t kill her in the process.

“We’re not good for each other, Liam. I can’t be with you.” She waved her hand, indicating the walls of his casino. “This was never the life I wanted. I lost track of my values. I can’t stay. I’ll never be able to separate you from what you do. Every meal we eat, I’ll see it as coming out of someone else’s pocket. Every dollar you spend on me, I’ll see it as draining some poor kid’s college fund.”

“Kate, don’t do this.”

“You think I want to? I can’t look at you and not see Vice. And no matter how much soul-searching I do, I won’t be able to stop it.” When he moved to brush away her fresh tears, she pushed his hand aside and wiped them herself. “It’s time for me to go home.”

His face drained. “I won’t be able… I can’t function without you.”

“I know, but I think we both need to learn how.”

He played with her pinky finger, as if holding onto whatever he could. “What about Vaughan?”

“I’ll manage. I did before.” She pulled her hand out of his. “Goodbye, Liam.”

He didn’t answer, but grew paler. She turned and sprinted for the taxi bay before she flew to him, trying to take everything back. She didn’t have any of her things, only her purse. The rest she’d ask for later. She couldn’t go into his suite to collect them now, or she’d never come out again.

The taxi driver opened the back door and she got inside, barely managing to give the man her address. The driver closed the door and she sat still, waiting for him to start the engine. She didn’t look at Liam, but expected him to run up to the car and bang on the window.

He didn’t.

As the driver pulled away, she gave into temptation and turned to look for him.

Like a dream upon waking, he’d already disappeared.