Vintage Whispers (A Cozy Retirement Mystery Book 1) (2 page)

“What obvious?” Pearl grabbed the carved wooden banister and leaned over as far as possible. She was bottoms-up before she could save herself. “Don’t just stand there. Help me!”

With her pleated skirt bunched around her hips, Pearl looked like a cartoon character from one of those late night clips. Mary Louise was horrified as Pearl kicked her feet one way or another, trying to right herself.

With Pearl wiggling everywhere, it took Mary Louise and Opal a few extra moments to bring her back to the porch. Her flushed face told the tale as she brushed her hands over wrinkled clothes, dusting off any particles of chipped paint. 

Standing nearby, an elderly man bit a chunk out of his apple. “Nice bloomers.”

“A gentleman would never say such a thing.” Pearl shooed him away. “Go on. Eat your fruit somewhere else.”

The man didn’t budge. To make matters worse, he now eyed Pearl as if she were his next midday snack.

Opal took a step forward. She was the smallest of the three, but quite intimidating when she wanted to be.

Mary Louise quickly reminded Pearl of what she’d worn underneath. The spandex habit was one she’d picked up after discovering slips were old school and spandex shorts were the new age girdles.

“Sweet cheeks, I’m too old to worry about a gentleman’s reputation. In here, you don’t act your age. Behave like a teenager. You’ll have more fun. Besides, that’s how we’re treated.” He tossed the apple core in a nearby garbage can. “We have curfews, room checks, disciplinary procedures, and public humiliation.” He used his fingers to click off each rule one by one. “Yes, they make you think this place is equivalent to summer camp, but don’t let ‘em fool you.” His wide grin suggested true pride in his polished dentures. “And if you ever need a late-night escort, I can find my way from one room to another when no one is looking.”

Another man joined him. “They don’t call him Romantic Rob for nothing.”

As if on cue, they all groaned.

Opal wrinkled her nose. “Dirty old men for neighbors. Just what we need.”

“He looked pretty clean to me,” Pearl said, smiling shyly at Romantic Rob. “And real men wear pink.”

“This one is yours. I don’t have experience with men.”

Mary Louise grunted. “With a name like Romantic Rob, prior knowledge probably isn’t a necessity.”

Pearl chose a rocking chair. “He might be more entertaining than a spell-binding romance from the late fifties.”

Opal fiddled with her shoulder pads. “Well if that’s not the most depressing thing I’ve heard all day.”

“If you think that’s depressing, try relating to one.” Pearl rolled her eyes. “The closest I ever got to living out a fantasy romance would’ve been with Claude. Our story would’ve been titled
Fire and Finance
.”

“Doesn’t sound like a heart-racer to me,” Opal said. “Besides your bedroom always looked like a disorganized CPA’s office during tax season.” 

“Sounds about right,” Pearl said, turning to Mary Louise. “What was so interesting on the other side of the porch?” Apparently the skip down Memory Lane had met its end.

Mary Louise indicated the pool area. “Opal, what do you think? Will Clarence’s oak tree land with a splash?”

Since Opal spent time on various job sites, Mary Louise valued her opinion. She had a good eye for things of this nature.

After a short study, Opal said, “Well, it could take out over half the patio furniture and will definitely cause some pool damage. Until someone stops Paul Bunyan, we should avoid the west wing.”

“Oh I do that anyway.” Pearl fluttered her eyelashes. “I’ve never been one for politics.”

Mary Louise took a deep breath and prayed for patience. “I’m stunned, Pearl.”

“Oh you girls knew
that
. By the way, the managing director mentioned how they like to keep a close eye on their residents. Maybe we should tell her about Mr. Jackson’s project. He acts like he has a reason for swinging that ax.”

Opal stared at her blankly. “Yes, Pearl. He does. I’m guessing he wants to cut down a tree.”

“You know what, I think you’re right.” Pearl winked. “I never would’ve guessed.”

“Residents can’t use the patio until next week due to unpredictable weather. If he keeps this up, I’ll talk with someone in admin.” Mary Louise watched the slow rotation of Clarence’s muscular arms as he swung. He looked mighty determined, but it was a big tree. “We may need a distraction if we can’t come and go as we please.”

“What a wonderful idea,” Pearl said excitedly. “I’ve always wanted to yell ‘timber!’ and run like the whole place is on fire.”

“Or like a tree is coming down?” Opal suggested.

Mary Louise laughed.

Pearl didn’t. In fact, her expression changed suddenly. “If we go AWOL, Catherine will have us picked up by the locals.”

“And the local sheriff’s department would gladly check on our well-being in lieu of catching a criminal? Bristol’s best is swamped. The last thing they want to do is look for us, particularly since more than half of the police force would know where to find us.”

Mary Louise added, “If we didn’t have grandchildren, I would happily skip town and assume a new identity.”

“Tell me about it,” Pearl said, as wishy-washy as a summer afternoon tide or maybe a washing machine on the spin cycle.

Mary Louise didn’t care where they ended up, but they were too young for confinement and she wasn’t ready to admit defeat. Fortunately, the Cozy Retirement Community offered a try-before-buying policy. They wouldn’t need to make a final decision until the end of the month. Thirty days bought them a few weeks to plan their escape, secure their assets, and take back their lives. Opal still wanted to open another tiny house neighborhood. Mary Louise couldn’t just walk away from Vintage Whispers.

The store was practically a Bristol staple.

“Kids must’ve gotten into a scuffle,” Opal said. “Mark’s piece of scrap is still at the entrance.”

“Probably not the kids but the parents.” Mary Louise didn’t dare look. Those two were downright embarrassing when they started bickering.

“They probably don’t know what to do next. They were smart enough to place their mothers and aunt in an aging parent’s concentration camp, but still dumb enough to get caught in the act.”

“Guess you noticed the billboard at the entrance?”

Opal said, “Sort of ended any pretenses of gifted overnight stays during an annual open house. Don’t ‘cha think?”

“Sure enough,” Mary Louise said, recalling the written proof right at the welcome gate. It was a colorful sign with a family room setting. “Smiles abound” was written in italics and slanted next to a roaring fireplace. Next to the hearth, two couples were shown playing cards and drinking wine. Mark and Catherine had lured them to a retirement community under false pretenses.

The Staff and Residents of Cozy Retirement Community Invite You to Enjoy Your Last Days.

It
was the dead giveaway. And thanks to Pearl’s new friend Miss Layla, there may have been an underlying emphasis on dead.

Directly underneath the headline, the bold print read:
Waiting List.
If a waiting list existed, then an open house to recruit residents was unlikely, but the
No Visitors at this Time
added the icing on a well baked caked.

As soon as Mark had spotted the sign, he accelerated and his car nearly went sideways as he raced between the parted security gates. He then came to a screeching halt, hopped out, and gleefully announced, “We’re here!”

He might have remained a jittery somebody if Nurse Waterbury hadn’t been so eager to welcome them. She’d even grabbed a wheelchair which Mary Louise and Opal had politely declined. Pearl, however, enjoyed the free ride.

At that point, Mark stepped into the role of dutiful son, answering all the registration questions while asking a few of his own. On a positive note, his warm and loving theatrics gave Mary Louise a chance to glance over the signed paperwork. She left the office well informed.

Their stay at the old people’s palace would be short-lived if they didn’t like it there. And thanks to her son’s betrayal, she might set a time to meet with her attorney and change a few things on her dated will.

“It was a privilege being your mother.” Pearl began the waving shenanigans again, this time holding her wrist as she waggled her fingers one way or another, a practice they’d recently picked up in a yoga class for seniors. “Visit often! Won’t you?”

Avoiding the long send-off, Mary Louise found a new landing spot on the far end of the farmer’s porch. Wide and inviting, the covered outdoor area housed at least twenty-five rocking chairs. Plastic plants, end tables, and doodads added a hint of country charm.

She wouldn’t embrace her new residence, but the view was nice. The scenery and amenities undoubtedly added to the community’s overall curb appeal. She wouldn’t mind living at Cozy Retirement but her arrival was ten years too soon. Besides, she was seventy-two and hanging on for a venturesome life.

“You’re thinking about staying?” Pearl asked, hopeful.

“You wish,” Opal said. “Staying here is the last thing on her mind.”

“Oh I don’t know. In another decade or so, I could get used to this. We might like it.”

“They have frequent outings and planned activities,” Pearl said. “They visit places like Abrams Falls and Natural Tunnel. They go to Barter Theatre and swanky restaurants.”

“And your point is?”

“My point? Well Opal…my point is…” She stuttered and stammered, trying to find one. “My daughter and son-in-law may have locked us up and thrown away the key but we know a few locksmiths!”

“Funny you should mention that,” Opal said, staring into the distance. “Because your daughter will now have unlimited access which means she can choose where she wants to live. I’m betting she won’t be too interested in my tiny homes.”

Chapter Two

An hour later, another new resident strolled across the porch. With a welcome brochure in hand, he read, “Walk about six hundred feet or so and you’ll find an uphill trail leading to Downtown Bristol.” He took a few steps, counting them off as he paced.

“They have a small bus with four drop-offs each day, you know,” Pearl whispered, leaning sideways as she spoke.

“Shh,” Opal said. “I didn’t get the leaflet. I want to listen.”

As if he’d heard them, the older gentleman smiled and read aloud, “Follow our winding cobblestone paths to a spring fed pond. Located about a half-mile from the main house, the water is surrounded by concrete benches. There are several paddleboats and restroom facilities nearby.”

“Which is important, particularly if you’re wearing adjustable underwear,” Pearl said, nodding her head.

The man sent her a seething glare and Mary Louise halfway expected Pearl to remain tightlipped and wait for Opal to bail her out. Instead, she gave the fellow a kind look. “Don’t worry. Your secrets are our secrets. And besides, they sell them in the supply hall. Underwear, that is. Secrets are shared for free.” As if he needed verification. “But in case you haven’t noticed, you sign your name on an index card right below each product. That way the delivery guys can charge necessities to your account before delivering them to your room.” 

The man turned in a huff and marched away.

“Did I say too much?”

“No, girl,” Opal replied. “Keep getting your ditzy on. Never let them know how intelligent you really are.”

Pearl frowned. “You just handed me the rope and watched me swing.”

“Why should I interrupt? I wasn’t the one presented with a sign-up sheet for disposable panties.”