Vivienne's Guilt (15 page)

I watch him walk off through the bedroom to the bathroom, and his absence is overwhelming. I feel like I could burst into tears. What the hell? He is coming right back, Vivienne, chill!

“I wish you would have told me,” Abbott says as he walks toward me. “I could’ve prepared better...taken things slower for you.”

I shake my head as I take the warm, wet towel from his hands. “That’s precisely why I didn’t want to tell you. Abbott, you couldn’t have planned this any better if you’d known. It just would have been more awkward for me, and if you’d taken it any slower, I might have joined the nunnery for fear that something was wrong with me,” I joke.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Viv.” He rakes his eyes over my body. “I’ve never seen a more beautiful sight. It would be such a shame to waste it on a life of nunhood,” he says as he lies down behind me and pulls me into his chest.

I scoff, “Seriously, dude? You’ve seen half the female student body naked. And ‘nunhood’...is that even a word? I don’t think that’s a word, Webster.”

I feel his chest vibrate with silent laughter. “I haven’t been with as many girls as you think.”

“No? You care to share a number?”

Abbott coughs. “Uh, no, not really. I didn’t exactly keep track. Those girls meant nothing, Viv. They were just fun.”

I turn over in his arms and meet his eyes with my own. “Is that what I am, Abbott? Am I just fun?”

“You,” Abbott says, meeting my gaze, “are forever. Mark my words, Vivienne Anderson; I’m going to marry you someday.”

“Awful sure of yourself, aren’t you, cocky?” I tease while sending up a silent prayer to the heavens that he is speaking the truth. Could I actually be lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with this Adonis?

He shuts me up with a kiss that leaves me breathless. “You can’t tell me you didn’t feel that, Viv. This,” he says, grasping my chin and rubbing the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip, “this doesn’t come along every day. We have something special. This is what forever feels like. It has to be.”

“Forever, huh? I like the sound of that,” I say, smiling against his lips.

I smile against trembling fingertips as warm tears pool in my eyes.
Forever.
Forever seems like an infinite amount of time...until it’s ripped away...gone in an instant. My boy kept his word, though. He gave me forever, and what a beautiful forever it was.

After drying my tears with the backs of my hands, I take my pill and then pad down the hall to check on Matilda.

When I reach her room, I stand in the doorway for a moment, just watching the slow rise and fall of her chest as she sleeps so peacefully. In the silence, I can hear the soft purr of her little snores, and I watch as the morning sunlight bounces off her bed-tangled hair. My heart fills to bursting every time I look at our baby. We
made
this perfect little angel. She’s a living, breathing representation of our love. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful and a love more perfect has never existed...of this I’m certain.

Our girl.

Careful not to wake her, I climb in and curl my body around hers. Burying my nose in strawberry-scented hair, I fall asleep holding what’s left of forever in my arms.

I miss you, Abbott.

Vivienne

As I French braid my long hair, I can’t help but take notice of the washed out reflection staring back at me.
Ugh.
I look as exhausted as I feel. I try to disguise puffy, tear-swollen eyes with a little makeup, but I’m not sure why I even bother. We’re going tubing with Cassie and Sierra, and makeup won’t last five minutes in the water.

The past few days have been spent swimming in the pool and fishing on the lake with Reid and Tillie. It’s been nice, if not a little weird. Reid seems a bit off, and I can’t help but wonder what I may have said or done to cause his change in mood. I can’t remember a thing past the dildo episode.
God
, how I wish I could erase that embarrassment from my memory. Maybe it made him more uncomfortable than he let on. Ugh, I don’t know. I could just be imagining the whole thing. I guess I should be happy that I’ve been so preoccupied with what I may have done to push Reid away that I haven’t had time to have any major breakdowns.

Cassie thinks that I’m worrying over nothing. She swears that I was no more than drunk and silly, and unless she’s hiding something, I can’t see why that would make him pull away. I could just be oversensitive. He hasn’t said or done anything all that obvious. It’s more the little things he
isn’t
doing that have my mind wandering.

He still shows up for all of his meals and is polite and extremely attentive to Tillie. That girl is smitten with Prince Reid. But, he leaves after dinner and hasn’t asked about his pool lesson again. He spends a lot of time on his phone, more than he did when he first got here for sure, and when Tillie goes to take her nap; he excuses himself back to the pool house.

I just feel like he’s avoiding spending any time alone with me specifically, and to be honest, I miss the attention. It sounds stupid, but he made me feel beautiful and desired...all of the things that Abbott always made me feel. Even though I know it was only his southern charm, I miss it. I miss him and the friendship we were building. I miss feeling like a real woman again for those brief moments.

Whatever, I don’t have time to dwell on it anymore today
.

I take one last glance in the mirror before heading downstairs to join the rest of the gang.

Reid’s laughter booms down the hall as I make my way to the kitchen. It takes me back for a moment. I miss Abbott’s laugh. I miss the way it filled my heart so completely just to see him smile. Our house was always filled with happy sounds. The silence that threatens now is deafening.

I walk into the room and am so grateful for the people in it. Without Cassie and Reid breathing some life into this place, it would be one dreary day after another. And I can’t forget Tillie. That sweet girl saves me every single day. She gives me a reason to wake up each morning and a billion reasons to keep smiling.

“Hey, guys,” I call out. “Y’all just about ready to go?”

Reid turns to answer, and I notice him check me out in my light pink bikini and lace cover-up. It’s not the first time he’s seen me in a bathing suit, but it’s definitely the first time I’ve noticed that hunger in his eyes.

I answer his look by raising my brows. Reid scrubs at his face with his hands and looks down in embarrassment. “Hey,” he mumbles to the floor before turning to grab the ice chest and keys. “Yeah...I’m ready,” he calls over his shoulder as he pushes out of the door, letting it slam shut behind him.

Why is he being so weird?

“I’m ready, too, Mommy,” Tillie answers, never one to be outdone.

“Come here so I can get some sunscreen on those white arms of yours, Princess.”

“Hey, hooch!” Cassie shouts as she crosses the room. She tilts her head back toward the door. “I see he’s still acting special...” She throws a thumb over her shoulder. “What’d you do?”

Laughing, I answer, “You probably shouldn’t be calling me that in front of the kids...And, yeah...see what I mean?” I ask, shaking my head. “I knew I wasn’t imagining things.”

“Pffft. Whatevs!” she says, hugging me from behind. “I’ve missed your sexy ass this week,” she whispers into my ear before tracing her tongue lightly along the edge.

Choking, I swat her away. “Yeah? Thanks for whispering. You’re hopeless! I can’t believe
you
work with
children
for a living.”

She gasps loudly, placing a hand on her chest. “I’m a wonderful role model. The picture of a lady. The epitome of what these girls should strive to be,” she says, grinning back and forth between the girls. “You two start taking notes if you haven’t already.”

“Slow down, woman. Let’s not get carried away,” I tease, knowing full and well that I would love nothing more than for Tillie to be just like her godmother.

“Girl, Tillie is used to me. She knows not to repeat the things Auntie says, doncha, baby girl?” she asks, ruffling her hair.

Tillie smirks. “I’m gonna be just like Auntie when I’m all growed up.”

Narrowing her eyes into slits, Cassie glares at my baby. “You little traitor!” she shouts, taking a step forward, and pretending that she’s going to chase Tillie. Tillie takes off screaming, and Cassie waves Sierra over. “Sierra, do you remember my friend, Vivienne?”

“Yeah, I do. Hi, Mrs. Vivienne,” she answers a little hesitantly.

My answering smile is an attempt to set her at ease. “Hey, Sierra. I’m so glad you’re coming with us today.”

She chews on the inside of her lip...a nervous habit. “Me too. Thanks for inviting me. I hate it at the Clawsons’ house.”

How does Cassie do this and not have a house full of kids? This girl is breaking my heart after only five minutes. If I hadn’t just lost Abbott, I’d be tempted to keep her myself. I swallow hard, trying not to show the emotion I feel. “I’m sorry to hear that, Sierra. I hope things get better for you really soon, sweetie.”

Pushing a lock of raven hair behind her ear, she nods. “Thank you. You too...I hope things are better for you soon, too.” I know that she is referring to Abbott, and I can tell how hard it was for her to get those words out. I can’t imagine how such a sweet and shy girl could be the same child that Cassie has described mouthing off and running away from the Clawsons.

As they do anytime someone offers their condolences, my eyes well up. I offer a strained “Thank you” and start gathering my things. “Let’s go, girls, before Prince Reid leaves us behind,” I say, clearing my throat to disguise the hurt.

Reid

Fuck! I had to get out of that house. The sight of Vivienne in that little bikini had me ready to nut in my shorts. I can’t get the woman out of my head. Holding her the other night and not being able to really
touch
her was brutal. I want her...and I can’t want her. I can’t have her. I can’t do anything about the feelings I am developing for her, and it’s fucking with my head.

She
’s fucking with my head. Why would she invite me into bed with her? I get that she’s lonely and needs someone to comfort her, but that felt...it felt
wrong
. When I ran into her the following morning, she acted as if nothing had happened at all...and maybe to her nothing had. But for me...for me it was excruciating. She has no idea how close I was to doing very dirty things to her in that black lingerie. I’m not this guy...but, fuck...I’m no saint either. I can only take so much temptation.