Volpone and Other Plays (55 page)

50  meat that is nourishing, and may be longed for, and so consequently eaten; it may be eaten; very exceeding well eaten. But in the fair, and as a Barthol' mew-pig, it cannot be eaten, for the very calling it a Barthol' mew-pig, and to eat it so, is a
spice
of idolatry, and you make the fair no better than one of the
high places
. This, I take it, is the state of the question. A high place.

LITTLE WIT
: Ay, but in state of necessity, place should give place, Master Busy. (I have a conceit left, yet.)

60 
DAME PURECRAFT
: Good Brother Zeal-of-the-Land, think to make it as lawful as you can.

LITTLEWIT
: Yes, sir, and as soon as you can; for it must be, sir; you see the danger my little wife is in, sir.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Truly, I do love my child dearly, and I would not have her miscarry, or hazard her first fruits, if it might be otherwise.

BUSY
: Surely it may be otherwise, but it is subject to construction – subject, and hath a
face
of offence with the weak, a great face, a foul face, but that face may have a veil put over it, and be

70       shadowed, as it were. It may be eaten, and in the fair, I take it, in a booth, the tents of the wicked. The place is not much, not very much; we may be religious in midst of the profane, so it be eaten with a reformed mouth, with sobriety, and humbleness; not gorged in with gluttony or greediness; there's the fear: for, should she go there, as taking pride in the place, or delight in the unclean dressing, to feed the vanity of the eye or the lust of the palate, it were not well, it were not fit, it were abominable, and not good.

LITTLEWIT
: Nay, I knew that afore, and told her on't; but

80       courage, Win, we' ll be humble enough; we' ll seek out the homeliest booth i' the Fair, that's certain. Rather than fail we' ll eat it o' the ground.

DAME PURECRAFT
: Ay, and I' ll go with you myself, Win-the-Fight, and my brother Zeal-of-the-Land shall go with us, too, for our better consolation.

MISTRESS LITTLEWIT
: Uh! Uh!

LITTLEWIT
: Ay, and Solomon, too, Win; the more the merrier. Win – [
Aside to
MISTRESS LITTLEWIT] We' ll leave Rabbi Busy in a booth. – Solomon, my cloak!

[
Enter
SOLOMON
with the cloak
.]

SOLOMON
: Here, Sir.

90  BUST
: In the way of comfort to the weak, I will go and eat. I will eat exceedingly and prophesy; there may be a good use made of it, too, now I think on't: by the public eating of swine's flesh, to profess our hate and loathing of Judaism, whereof the Brethren stand taxed. I will therefore eat, yea, I will eat exceedingly.

LITTLEWIT
: Good, i' faith, I will eat heartily, too, because I will be no Jew; I could never
away with
that stiff-necked generation. And truly, I hope my little one will be like me, that cries for pig so, i' the mother's belly.

100  
BUSY
: Very likely, exceeding likely, very exceeding likely.

[
Exeunt
.]

II, i          [
The Fair
.]

            [
Enter
LANTERN LEATHERHEAD, JOAN TRASH,
and the people of the fair; they begin to erect their booths and stalls
.]

[
Enter
JUSTICE OVERDO,
alone, disguised as a madman
.]

[
OVERDO
(
aside
):] Well, in Justice' name, and the King's, and for the
commonwealth
! defy all the world, Adam Overdo, for a disguise, and all story; for thou hast
fitted
thyself, I swear. Fain would I meet the Lynceus now, that eagle's eye, that piercing Epidaurian serpent (as my Quintus Horace calls him), that could discover a Justice of peace (and lately of the
quorum
) under this covering. They may have seen many a fool in the habit of a Justice; but never till now a justice in the habit of a fool. Thus must we do, though, that wake for the public good; and thus

10       hath the wise magistrate done in all ages. There is a doing of right out of wrong, if the way be found. Never shall I enough commend a worthy worshipful man, sometime a capital member of this City, for his high wisdom in this point, who would take you, now the habit of a porter, now of a carman, now of the
dog-killer
, in this month of August; and in the winter of a seller of tinder-boxes. And what would he do in all these shapes? Marry, go you into every ale-house, and down into every cellar; measure the length of puddings, take the gauge of black pots and cans, ay, and custards, with a stick; and

20       their circumference, with a thread; weigh the loaves of bread on his middle-finger; then would he send for ' em, home; give the puddings to the poor, the bread to the hungry, the custards to his children; break the pots and burn the cans himself; he

           
would not trust his corrupt officers; he would do't himself. Would all men in authority would follow this worthy precedent! For, alas, as we are public persons, what do we know? Nay, what can we know? We hear with other men's ears; we see with other men's eyes. A foolish constable or a sleepy watchman is all our information; he slanders a gentleman by the virtue of his place, as he calls it, and we, by the vice of ours,

30       must believe him. As, a while gone, they made me, yea me, to mistake an honest zealous
pursuivant
for a
seminary
, and a proper young Bachelor of Music for a bawd. This we are subject to, that live in high place; all our
intelligence
is idle, and most of our
intelligencers
knaves; and, by your leave, ourselves thought little better, if not arrant fools, for believing ' em. I, Adam Overdo, am resolved therefore to spare spy-money hereafter, and make mine own discoveries. Many are the yearly enormities of this Fair, in whose courts of
Pie-powders
I have had the honour during the three days sometimes to sit as judge.

40       But this is the special day for detection of those foresaid enormities. Here is my black book for the purpose; this the cloud that hides me; under this covert I shall see and not be seen. On, Junius Brutus! And as I began so I' ll end: in Justice' name, and the King's; and for the commonwealth!

[
LEATHERHEAD
:] The Fair's
pestilence-dead
, methinks; people

II,ii      come not abroad today, whatever the matter is. Do you hear, Sister Trash, Lady o' the Basket? Sit farmer with your gingerbread-progeny there, and hinder not the prospect of my shop, or I' ll ha' it proclaimed I' the Fair what stuff they are made on.

TRASH
: Why, what stuff are they made on, Brother Leatherhead? Nothing but what's wholesome, I assure you.

LEATHERHBAD
: Yes, stale bread, rotten eggs, musty ginger, and dead honey, you know.

10  OVBRDO
[
aside
]: Ay! have I met with enormity so soon?

LEATHERHEAD
: I shall mar your market, old Joan.

TRASH
: Mar my market, thou too-proud pedlar? Do thy worst; I defy thee, I, and thy stable of hobby-horses. I pay for my ground as well as thou dost; an' thou wrong'st me, for all thou art
parcel-poet
and an
inginer
, I' ll find a friend shall right me and make a ballad of thee and thy
cattel
all over. Are you puffed up with the pride of your wares? Your
arsedine
?

LEATHERHBAD
: Go to, old Joan, I' ll talk with you anon; and
take
you down too afore Justice Overdo; he is the man must
charm

20      you. I' ll ha' you i' the Pie-powders.

TRASH
: Charm me? I' ll meet thee face to face afore his worship when thou dar'st; and though I be a little crooked o' my body, I' ll be found as upright in my dealing as any woman in smith field, I. Charm me?

OVERDO
[
aside
]: I am glad to hear my name is their terror, yet; this is doing of justice.

[
Enter
PASSENGERS.]

LEATHBRHEAD
: What do you lack? What is't you buy? What do you lack? Rattles, drums, halberts, horses, babies o' the best? Fiddles o' th' finest?

Enter
COSTER-MONGER [
and
NIGHTINGALE.]

30  
COSTER-MONGBR
: Buy any pears, pears, fine, very fine pears!

TRASH
: Buy any gingerbread,
gilt
gingerbread!

NIGHTINGALE
: Hey, now the fair's a-filling!

                              O, for a tune to startle

                              The birds o' the booths here billing

                              Yearly with old Saint Bartle!

                              
The drunkards they are
wading
,

                              The punks and chapmen trading;

                              Who' d see the Fair without his lading?

       Buy any ballads; new ballads?

[
Exeunt
PASSENGERS
and
COSTER-MONGER
.
Enter
URSULA
from her booth
.]

URSULA
: Fie upon't! Who would wear out their youth and prime

40      thus in roasting of pigs, that had any cooler vocation? Hell's a kind of cold cellar to't, a very fine vault, o' my conscience! What mooncalf!

MOONCALF
[
within
]: Here, Mistress.

NIGHTINGALE
: How, now, Urs' la? In a heat, in a heat?

URSULA
[
to
MOONCALF
]: My chair, you false
faucet
you; and my morning's draught, quickly, a bottle of ale to quench me, rascal–I am all fire and fat, Nightingale; I shall e' en melt away to the first woman, a rib again, I am afraid. I do water the ground in knots as I go, like a great garden-pot; you may follow me by the

50          S's I make.

NIGHTINGALE
: Alas, good Urs; was ' zekiel here this morning?

URSULA
: ' Zekiel? what ' Zekiel?

NIGHTINGALE
: ' Zekiel Edgworth, the civil cutpurse; you know him well enough - he that talks bawdy to you still. I call him my
secretary
.

URSULA
: He promised to be here this morning, I remember.

NIGHTINGALE
: When he comes, bid him stay. I' ll be back again presently.

60  
URSULA
: Best take your morning's dew in your belly, Nightingale.

MOONCALF
brings in the chair
.

           Come, sir, set it here. Did not I bid you should get this chair let out o' the sides for me, that my hips might play? You' ll never think of anything till your dame be rump-galled. 'Tis well,
changeling
; because it can take in your grasshopper's thighs, you
care for no more. Now you look as you had been i' the corner o' the booth, fleaing your breech with a candle's end, and set fire o' the Fair. Fill.
stot
, fill

OVERDO
[
aside
]: This pig-woman do I know, and I will put her

70       in for my second enormity. She hath been before me, punk,
pinnace
, and bawd, any time these two and twenty years, upon record i' the Pie-powders.

URSULA
: Fill again, you unlucky vermin.

MOONCALF
: Pray you be not angry, mistress; I' ll ha' it widened anon.

URSULA
: No, no, I shall e' en dwindle away to't, ere the fair be done, you think, now you ha' heated me! A poor vexed thing I am. I feel myself dropping already, as fast as I can; two stone o' Suet a day is my proportion. I can but hold life and soul together

80          with this (here's to you, Nightingale) and a whiff of tobacco, at most. Where's my pipe now? not filled? Thou arrant
incubee
!

NIGHTINGALE
: Nay, Urs' la, thou' lt gall between the tongue and the teedi with fretting, now.

URSULA
: How can I hope that ever he' ll discharge his place of trust - tapster, a man of reckoning under me - that remembers nothing I say to him?

[
Exit
NIGHTINGALE.]

            But look to't, sirrah, you were best; threepence a pipeful I will ha' made of all my whole half-pound of tobacco, and a quarter of a pound of
colts-foot
mixed with it too, to eke it out. I that

90       have dealt so long in the fire will not
be to seek
in smoke, now. Then, six and twenty shillings a barrel I will
advance
o' my beer, and fifty shillings a hundred o' my bottle-ale; I ha' told you the ways how to raise it. Froth your cans well i' the filling, at length, rogue, and jog your bottles o' the buttock, sirrah, then
skink
out the first glass, ever, and drink with all companies, though you be sure to be drunk; you' ll misreckon the
better, and be less ashamed on't. But your true trick, rascal, must be ever busy, and mis-take away the bottles and cans in haste before they be half drunk off, and never hear anybody call (if they should chance to mark you) till you ha' brought fresh,

100      and be able to forswear ' em. Give me a drink of ale.

OVERDO
[
aside
]: This is the very womb and bed of enormity, gross as herself! This must all down for enormity, all, every whit on't.