Vortex (14 page)

“Do you know how many times I’ve gone against orders?” I pointed out.

“Yeah, I know. That’s why I told you. It’s not like you can turn me in without a lot
of shit coming your way. Blackmail is a specialty of mine.”

She was so close now, I could see right down the front of her dress. I lifted my eyes
to avoid the distraction. “I wouldn’t turn you in, even without the blackmail attempt.”

Her constant flip-flop in moods was wearing me out. Senator Healy’s message wasn’t
the only reason I wanted to attempt to crack Stewart’s shell. Part of me had to know
if there was actually a real person in there. I let out an exhausted sigh and backed
away from her. “I don’t get you. I know that’s your goal, but it kinda sucks to be
around you. Like this, anyway.”

She looked a little shocked, but it only lasted a second. “I’m not that much different
from you. Think about it. You can be just as impersonal.”

“Why did you really want me to come over, Stewart?”

Her fingers glided across the mantel, like she was checking for dust. “Parker thinks
I’m denying my feelings for you, and now he’s got Mason on board, and it’s not true.
I don’t like you … Sometimes I even hate you.”

“I never thought you liked me,” I admitted. “Parker’s just screwing with you.”

“So, we’re clear on that?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Yeah, totally.”

Then, in about two seconds, she closed the gap between us and kissed me. Like, really
kissed me. I immediately pushed her away without even thinking about it. “What are
you doing?”

“You don’t like me, I don’t like you,” Stewart said casually. “That’s why this will
work out perfect for both of us.”

“Try not to take this personally, being the sensitive woman that you are, but I’m
having a lot of trouble picturing you and me doing anything remotely romantic together.”

“Okay,” she said slowly, looking completely off her game. “Maybe that’s my fault.
All my covers lately have been on the abrasive side. I could work on something a little
softer or seductive.”

I shook my head immediately. The last thing I needed was a seductive Stewart screwing
with my head. Ninety percent of me was ready to walk out the door. This had been a
big mistake. But then I remembered the aching need I’d had earlier to call Adam and
the fact that it hadn’t faded one bit.
Just stay … distract yourself
. “Why don’t you try telling me something that’s actually true? No cover.”

“I hate black-eyed peas.” She walked away from me, into the kitchen, and returned
a minute later with a bottle of vodka, orange juice, and two glasses. “Secret number
two—I’m a lot more honest while intoxicated. And I’m not quite there yet.”

She set the bottle and glasses down on the coffee table. We both plopped down on opposite
ends of the couch. She nodded toward the coffee table—
an invitation
. I hesitated before picking up the bottle. I hadn’t had hard alcohol in a very long
time and I’d been careful not to overindulge on European beer since the training schedules
were so demanding. The lack of control while being drunk scared me. It did now, anyway.

Stewart watched me closely as I filled both our glasses and then took a big gulp from
mine. She did the same, making a face as she swallowed.

“My parents kicked me out when I was sixteen,” she said, looking down at her hands.
“Actually, they forced me to go to college early.”

“Where did you go to college?” I asked.

“Columbia, then NYU.” She drank an even bigger gulp. “I made it two years and then
I got arrested and sent to prison.”

I groaned and rubbed the blurriness out of my eyes. Now I needed to get drunk just
so I could put up with her bullshit. Assuming I was going to force myself to stay
in her company for a while longer. “I don’t think I’ve heard your prisoner cover yet.
Is that like the ghetto girl?”

“You’re such an ass. You wouldn’t know the truth if it hit you in the face,” she snapped.
“I created a few extra identities at both colleges. Then I messed with the computer
system and made sure the other versions of me had their tuition paid in full. Apparently,
that’s a federal offense, and since I was eighteen…”

“You went to prison,” I finished. “How many identities are we talking about?”

“Ten.” She laughed at the expression on my face. “I did everything right. Went to
all their classes, joined a few campus groups. I just had one minor screwup and the
FBI was able to trace the false tuition payments. Everything happened really quick
after that. My parents wouldn’t respond to any of my calls and I was basically raked
over the coals and thrown in a women’s prison in Virginia. After two months, I met
your dad.”

I sat up straighter. “You met my dad in prison?”

“He came to see me. Said he heard I pulled off quite a stunt. Then he offered to get
me out … give me a spot as an agent, but there was a catch.”

“What?”

She polished off her drink and sank farther into the couch. “I had to change my name,
everything about me. No family contact … ever. I didn’t even think twice about it.
I think that’s why Marshall left me in prison for two months. He was probably watching
even before I got caught.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

I had no idea if she was telling the truth, but the story made sense, in its own unbelievable
way. It explained a lot about how she joined so young, but finding out she was a freak
who liked to pretend she was different people most of her life was a little disturbing.
Mostly that she was undercover before she had to be … before it became her job. “What
was your name, before they changed it?”

“Kathleen Goldman. My mom is very Irish and my dad is half Jewish, half African-American.”
She laughed under her breath. “I have no idea what that makes me.”

“Like every other American, pretty much,” I said with a shrug. “Also, diverse enough
to pull off a lot of different ethnicities as covers … also useful to the CIA.”

She poured herself another glass and refilled mine, which I hadn’t even noticed was
empty. “You just got way more than five minutes, so I’m done for now.”

“Fair enough,” I said before standing up and watching the room spin. I had expected
to feel something more from hearing these personal details, but none of it proved
she was a decent person … except for maybe one thing. “Did you hate my dad for sentencing
you to this life?”

She stood up and adjusted the cushion on the back of the couch. “No, not at all. Since
I know for a fact you’ve never been to prison, you’ll have to take my word for it,
two months in the slammer felt like a decade. I never would have survived without—”

She turned around abruptly, but didn’t finish her sentence.

“Without what?”

“Without being allowed to shoot someone or do something illegal.” She took another
large swig of vodka, straight from the bottle, even though her glass had just been
filled.

I didn’t know what to say. She’d changed her answer. It was obvious. And come to think
of it, Jenni Stewart had never said anything bad about my dad. Never. And I could
see the fear in her eyes. She didn’t want me to figure it out. That there was at least
one person she
didn’t
hate. And I got it … of course I got it. The way Dad had spoken to Kendrick after
the memory gas test … the kindness in his voice … he let himself care about Stewart
the same way he let himself care about me and Courtney. He couldn’t really help it.
Human compassion
 … that was what he had told Thomas in that conversation from 2005.

The awkward silence was way too much for either of us to handle. She stepped closer,
stumbling a little, revealing her already drunken state, and kissed me again. This
time it was slow, giving me a chance to back out, but I didn’t. Hashing out her past
was almost as difficult for me as it was for her. Her hands rested on my face, lightly.
Nothing about her was forceful this time. My heart immediately sped up, but I wasn’t
sure if that was a good thing or … a warning.

It took me a second to realize she was dragging me toward her room. Or at least I
assumed it was her room. The cool air that filled the space between us forced me to
focus despite the spinning in my head, the lack of worry. Right after we stepped into
the bedroom, I stopped moving. “This is a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“It just is. Trust me.”

“I don’t trust you,” she said with a grin. “Tell me why it’s bad.”

Because I don’t love you. I don’t even like you
. “Work … you know? Everything will be really weird and…”

Her hands slid under the back of my shirt and she started lifting it over my head.
I watched the shirt fall to the floor … a symbolic message.
Distractions.
I needed distractions … and if I needed them, maybe she did, too?

Lips were moving up and down my neck and didn’t feel bad. Quite the opposite. “Wait.
Just … stop for a second.”

She dropped her arms and stepped backward, but kept a tight grip on my hand. “What’s
the problem, Jackson?”

“First of all, you’re drunk and I think I might be, too.” I sat down on the side of
the bed and took a deep breath. “This is just another method of manipulation, isn’t
it?”

She shrugged. “What’s the difference? What could I possibly be trying to achieve beyond
tonight? Breaking your heart? Fooling you into a one-night stand?”

Good point.
“Good point.”

She pressed her hands against my chest until I was lying all the way back. A million
doubts were flying through my head, but then she said something that hit me right
in the gut.

“You could always go back to your smelly, empty place …
alone
.”

Just the thought of lying in my bed with Holly memories stuck in my head, worrying
about where my dad was right now.
Holly with Brian
 … his hands all over her … I didn’t want to deal with it. Not tonight.

It’s just sex … meaningless sex
. It wasn’t like I hadn’t done this whole casual thing before. I grabbed Stewart’s
hand and pulled her down next to me before old memories could invade my thoughts.
We both stared at each other for a long moment and then, eventually, I leaned in,
closing the space between us. I didn’t think about anything but this simple formula:

Hot chick
+
Guy trying to forget someone else
+
No future plans
=
The perfect hookup

It was just science. Science and sex …

Her dress fell to the floor beside my shirt and then she crawled on top of me, kissing
my neck, my hands feeling their way around her with much less hesitation.

“I actually thought you would be easier than this,” she said, speaking with her mouth
against my neck. “I know what you have, and more importantly what you
haven’t,
been doing these past three months … Seriously, how long has it been—”

I didn’t even hear the rest of her sentence. With those few words, she had just unlocked
a compartment of my mind I had worked so hard to keep hidden from everyone, including
myself. Unleashing those memories was far more dangerous than the memory gas … and
I could feel it coming like a tidal wave—unstoppable and relentless.

*   *   *

“Just so you know … I haven’t done this in a while.” I dropped Holly onto the bed
and lay down beside her.

“What crazy world are you living in … it’s only been—”

I touched my fingers to her lips. “Let’s pretend it’s been a while … like weeks.”

“Like you were lost at sea?”

“Exactly.”

She stared down at me as she removed her swimsuit top. She was giving me a nice show
of skin, but I couldn’t take my eyes off her face, her smile. That perfect combination
of sweet and bold. I reached out and touched her, traced my fingers over her soft
curves, raising goose bumps on her skin.

“Why are you looking so serious?” she asked.

“Just enjoying looking at you.” I wanted to say so much, tell her what I was feeling,
but I couldn’t form the right words. What else was there to say besides,
I love you
?

I slid my hands onto her hips and rolled her to the right, until I was now the one
looking down at her. If I couldn’t say it, I could at least show it. I kicked off
my shorts and leaned down to kiss Holly, letting my weight drop onto her. Her arms
were tight around me, fingers pressed into my skin. Time seemed to slow and it was
just Holly and me with nothing between us. Exactly how it should be. Always.

*   *   *

A while later, we were stretched out sideways on the bed, both of us still a little
breathless and too hot and tired to turn around and get under the covers. She rolled
on her side to face me, a few inches now separating our bodies.

I stared at her for a long moment, unable to move. Her unyielding trust, the openness
in her expression, it was almost too much. Surely no one was allowed to feel this
happy and complete. It had to be a crime. Finally, she reached over and touched my
hair, breaking the trance I’d been in. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was just thinking how perfect this is. Let’s just stay here forever … move into
the hotel … forget school and everything else. We shouldn’t ever get dressed, either.”

Holly laughed, then placed her hand on the back of my neck, tugging me closer to her.
“Ask me that right now and I’d probably say yes.”

I propped myself up on one elbow, suddenly finding the words I had been searching
for earlier. My fingers slowly trailed up and down her back. “I have a great secret
for you.”

“And I didn’t even ask for one … This is new.”

“A lot of things are new.” I moved my hand to her hair and twirled a long strand around
my finger. “You know the first time we did this … when we were in the shower, after…?”