Vow of Silence (17 page)

“Suck.”

I suck and lick—giving his finger the treatment I wanted to
give his cock—not because I have to, not because he ordered me to, but because
I want to. I’m driven to this. I need this.

“Invite me to your bed, Lin.”

Taking hold of his hand, I pull his finger from my mouth and
lead him into my bedroom.

My hips flame anew, reminding me of the spanking, and I long
to look, wanting to see if my skin is red. He pushes me down into the center of
an Oriental rug. The nap is scratchy and not at all comfortable. My scorched
skin doesn’t like it and I fidget, thinking this isn’t a good idea as I wait
for him to join me.

“Hold still. Let me look at you.”

My breath stills in my chest with his command. I try to meet
his gaze, but I’m embarrassed. He finally drops to his knees, and I think he
has missionary in mind as he pushes my knees apart, but he doesn’t cover me
with his body, he doesn’t fill me with his cock. He looks at my exposed
genitals. I cover them with my hand. “That’s embarrassing.”

He pushes my hand away. “I want to look.”

He keeps looking way past the point of discomfort before he
finally lowers his mouth to my clit. His tongue glides, circling it, making my
back arch, before allowing me the small pleasure of being sucked. He finds the
most tender, responsive spot and targets it. My hips buck.

“God, George. It’s too good, it’s too much!”

“Not nearly enough,” he whispers against my aching flesh
before going back to his task.

“You’re driving me insane!”

He wraps his hands around my ass, pressing into the tender,
hot spots, and holds me so tight even my wild thrashing and bucking doesn’t
force his lips away. I cry out and immediately worry someone heard, but then I
can’t control my cries. I get louder and louder as the strokes from his tongue
cause pleasure, then painful pleasure, to shoot through my womb. He releases me
only when he is ready to and by then it is pure, blinding pleasure. I can feel
the lifting tug of a vortex.

“Please don’t stop—please don’t.”

His lips descend on command, pressing against my engorged
clitoris. It is caught in agonized limbo between pleasure and pain, ready to be
sucked hard, but George kisses my screaming flesh so tenderly that I pound the
floor with frustration.
I’m so close.
His tongue circles in a light
swirl.

“Oh God, George! I can’t take this!”

“Do you want to come, Lin?”

“God, yes! Lick me. Suck me. Fuck me!”

His breath is hot on my sex. “Say please.”

“Please!”

“Say, please let me come, Master.”

Master?

His hand falls on my thigh, a slap that brings me back to my
senses. My clit is throbbing. I want to come, I need to come. I growl.
What
game is this?

“This is who I am, Lin. Accept me as your Master and I will
make all your fantasies come true.”

I shake my head, but his tongue on my clit holds me in
agony.

“Oh God, oh God!” I lift my hips, trying to force my orgasm
free.

He licks back and forth, side to side, front to back, but
he’s in complete control, holding back from my body the reward, torturing me
with gentleness.

“Please,
Master
, may I come?”

George flicks his tongue faster, pressing harder, and the
vortex lifts me hard and fast. Need climbs higher and…and higher.

“Come now, sweetheart.”

The fall of my orgasm is pure, blinding pleasure that leaves
me writhing and screaming.

He crawls over me and kisses me, his mouth tasting of my
pussy.

He slides his fingers into my vagina, and I am so slick they
glide easily. “That wasn’t so horrible, was it?”

My breasts heaving, I meet his gaze. “I didn’t like that. I
didn’t like saying that.”

“That?” he teases, pure wickedness filling his gaze.

“You know what that.”

He shakes his head.

“I didn’t like calling you Master.”

“Your body did.”

I can’t deny the obvious.

“Say you want me to master you.” He flips me onto my
stomach, pushing my knees under me so that my ass is in the air. He rubs his
hand over my bottom, reminding me that the heat still radiating from my flesh
was caused by the spanking he gave me.

“I can’t.”

“You’re a very naughty girl, Lin.”

God.
I push back into his hand. I want him to spank
me again. I don’t understand it, but I want it.
I need it.

“Spank me if I’m so naughty.”

“That isn’t the way it works.” He cups my ass and pinches.
“I don’t spank you when you want it. I’m not your bitch to tell what to do on a
whim. Accept me for who I am.”

I’m not surprised when he stands up and starts dressing,
leaving my ass in the air waiting to be spanked or fucked. I really wouldn’t
care which. I am shocked that I am devastated he does neither.

Why do you make me so insane, George?

“What time does your flight leave?”

He doesn’t even look at me when he asks. He is in the
process of tying his tie, and I am left feeling self-conscious. I flatten my
body to the ground and watch his every motion. “Eight p.m. I need to finish a
commissioned project this afternoon and deliver it, but I would have time to
meet you for an early dinner and perhaps you can drive me to the airport?”

“I’d planned on both.” He smiles at me when he turns to me. “I’m
going to miss you. You must know that.”

Do I?

Through the closed bedroom door, I hear the squeak of a
floorboard and the soft shuffling sound of Grandmother’s house slippers across
the Berber carpet. I whisper frantically to George, “Grandmother!”

Terrified of her reaction to finding a man in my room, I
hurriedly pull on a robe, tidy my hair and rush into the hallway to meet her
and rapidly greet her. “You’re up so late!”

“I was waiting to hear about your big evening.”

I lead her away from the bedroom. “It was exhausting.”

“You went with a man,” she says, and it isn’t a question,
more like an accusation. “I saw him from my window.”

My heart beats frantically in my chest as I wonder when she
saw him—before we left or when we returned. I pray it was earlier in the
evening.

“You will bring shame upon the ancestors,” she accuses as
she walks back to the door that connects our living spaces.

“Because he isn’t Chinese?” She doesn’t have to agree. I can
see the disappointment in her expression. “He’s a very nice man. He’s a
doctor.”

“A doctor?” she repeats, and then her lips press tightly
together as she considers this bit of information. “Wealthy?”

“Yes, Grandmother. He lives in a mansion overlooking the
bay.”

“He isn’t Chinese. The ancestors would have to be appeased,
but I can see you wouldn’t have to work so hard. You could stay home and raise
babies.”

“Yes,” I agree, almost choking on the word. I’ve fought so
hard, for so many years to be seen as an accomplished sculptor. I’m bright,
intelligent and capable of so much more than breeding, but didn’t I say the
exact same thing to George? That I could bear his children? I don’t even know
if I truly want children—I just want
more
. There has to be more to life.
Something I am missing.

“I am not happy about this,” she tells me. “But if you are
intent on pursuing this man as a husband and father for your children, you
shouldn’t allow him here after dark. There is no reason for him to wed you if
you behave like a whore.”

I gasp, realizing she knows he’s in my bedroom but she
departs without another word.

“She seems very intense.”

George’s voice startles me and I spin to face him. “Did you
hear everything?”

“Just from the part where you told her I was a doctor.”

“Did you expect me to tell her the truth?”

“You don’t think she’ll find out on her own?”

I slump into a chair. This is my worst nightmare. I’ve spent
so much time worrying that someone I know will recognize him from the
billboards and blow my secret, I haven’t considered that Grandmother might
discover the truth by seeing him herself. Burying my face in my hands, I cry.
“I lied because I don’t know what else to do, George. There is no other man I
want to be with—no one, just you—and I don’t want her to forbid me from seeing
you.”

George

I regret telling Gigi I would visit her today when I kiss
Lin goodbye even though I promise to see her later. Lin and I made so much
progress last night, and now it will be a month before I have any real time
with her to build on what we started.

Gigi is in therapy when I arrive and I watch from the
sidelines. She is trying to relearn how to swallow. As she sputters and chokes,
grabbing her throat, the therapist assures her, “Water is the hardest.”

Seeing me, she waves and smiles.

After several more tries, she finally masters the difficult
liquid.

“Think you are up to sherbet?” her therapist asks.

We share a look, and I guess she too is remembering a cold
treat enjoyed overlooking the bay.

Sherbet turns out to be only slightly easier to swallow than
water but she makes a game of it, holding the frozen concoction on her tongue
until I command, “Swallow.”

The therapist is oblivious of the game we’re playing.

She swallows, immediately making panting huffs, her mouth
wide. The therapist reacts, believing she is gasping. “She’s choking.”

“No, look at her face. She’s laughing.”

Eventually therapy is over and we have a few moments alone
together. There are so many questions I want to ask her. I wonder what she has
been doing. Did she go to college? Where does she work? Does she enjoy hobbies?
Honestly I just want to hear that she is having a good life, that she is happy,
but I fear I would not find that answer no matter how deeply I delved into her
privacy.

She saves me by asking, “How have you been?”

“Good.”

“You’re no longer practicing psychiatry?”

Her question sounds more like an accusation. I answer
casually, “I needed a change.”

“Meaning, I ruined your life?”

I meet her gaze. I’m shaking my head when I answer, “No, you
didn’t,” but my assurance sounds like a lie even to me.

“So? What are you doing to earn your keep? You don’t look
homeless.”

I chuckle despite the dark mood settling between us. “I
changed vocations.”

She cocks her head, waiting for me to give it up. Why am I
so reluctant to tell her the truth?

“I’m not going to stalk you, if that’s why you’re worried
about divulging details.”

“You might,” I say, my words too short to be the tease I
meant. “I own a fetish fantasy club for BDSMers and the lifestyle curious.”

Her eyes widen.

I clarify, “You may have heard of the place—Lewd Larry’s?”

“You own Lewd Larry’s?”

“Recently. I’m the new owner. Garrett Lawrence bequeathed it
to me.”

“Bequeathed? As in he’s dead?”

She sounds shocked, and a slow nod is all I can muster
before saying, “We were close friends. I’ve been an employee there since the
doors opened.”

She looks saddened and at a loss for what to say. I save her
from any more discomfort by standing and making my intention to leave clear. I
should have left before now, having stayed longer than I intended.

“Will you visit me again?”

“I’d like that,” I answer with a smile and give her a quick
kiss on the cheek. I’m immediately left feeling wrong.

I wish Lin wasn’t leaving so soon—for purely selfish
reasons. I need to find normal, whatever that is, because allowing myself to
drift around in the past is too dangerous. My thoughts are confused, obviously
clouded by emotion. I know what I was feeling when I was with Gigi before—or at
least what I’ve been telling myself what I’d felt since the day I was
arrested—and I don’t have to feel guilty about any of it because my feelings
weren’t inappropriate.

Have I been lying to myself?

Were my actions inappropriate?

Did I lead her on?

I knew she had a crush on me, but I didn’t flirt back.
I
didn’t.

I’ve blamed her for destroying what had been my world, when
maybe I should have been pointing the finger at myself, taking full blame,
being accountable—

Kapow.

I’ve dropped to my knees before it dawns on me what is
happening. I’m being attacked.
God, where was he? I didn’t even see him
coming.
I clutch my spinning head, seeing stars. I know I should be trying
to get away.

Still doubled over, I pull my wallet from my pocket and hold
it out to my attacker. “Take it. There’s a couple hundred in cash.”

“We don’t want your money.” Two pairs of feet came into
view, both shod in expensive shoes.

I look up and my gaze goes immediately to one of the men’s
hands. He is wearing leather gloves and pounding one fist into the other palm,
like a ballplayer might glove a ball. I see the punch coming, but there isn’t
anything I can do to stop it. “Ummmph!”

I take three solid kicks to my ribs and one to my face
before the attack stops.

“This is a message. Stay away from Giselle Marconi.”

The second man kicks me from behind, square over my kidney,
and it feels like my spine snaps under the force. Pain arcs through my body,
leaving me writhing on the dirty concrete lot.

“Hey, you there! I’m calling the police!” The voice seems
far away, but the two men flee.
Thank God.

“They’re gone.” Someone shakes me. “Are you all right?”

Everything fades black and I can’t stop that from happening
either.

“Hang in there, help is coming.”

* * * * *

I regain consciousness in the emergency room and several
hours of observation later am preparing to be discharged when a rap on the wall
draws my attention to Detectives Robbins and Carr. I’d been expecting a city
police officer, since I needed to fill out a report and try to give them a
description. “This is a surprise, gentlemen.”

“When we heard you were attacked, we thought we’d save a
step—just in case your attack and Ms. Marconi’s attack are related.” Detective
Robbins gives me a very direct look. “Do you have a shared enemy that either of
you failed to mention in the earlier report?”

“Not that I know of. Did the business card provide a lead?”

“The investigation is ongoing,” Detective Carr informs me,
which I take to mean he isn’t going to tell me anything. “Can you identify who
did this to you?”

“It was dark.”

“Isn’t the parking garage very well lit, Dr. Kirkpatrick?”

“Usually it is. The area seemed more dim than normal. I
didn’t really see anything.” Except expensive shoes. Do I really want to open a
can of worms and tell these men that I think Gigi’s father either did this or
ordered this done to me?

“Do you have any known enemies, Dr. Kirkpatrick?”

I take a deep breath. “I was advised to stay away from Gigi
Marconi.”

“And you haven’t followed that advice?” Detective Carr
guesses.

I shake my head.

“Perhaps you might reconsider any future visits until we
figure all of this out?” Carr suggests.

I nod but don’t comment one way or the other.

“No point sending out a sketch artist?”

“No.”

“I guess we’re done here,” Detective Carr says curtly.

“As long as you are here, I’ve been thinking about Gigi’s
injuries. I don’t think a sadist from the community did this. I wouldn’t be so
quick to sweep her attack under the rug.” I think about the years wasted when
Tony was murdered because the police assumed it was a hate crime, when the
actual killer turned out to be someone in the community…and that was
disregarded.

“Leave the investigation to us…and ah, try to stay out of
dangerous situations.”

* * * * *

Lin answers the door wearing her flame-retardant overalls.
Her face is smudged with dark grit. She’s obviously still working on her commission
piece even though the hour is growing late. She covers her mouth with her hands
in reaction to my appearance. “What happened?”

I didn’t think my black eye looked
that
horrific.

“There was an incident.”

She drags me inside and forces me to sit in a softly
upholstered chair. “You’ve been beaten.”

“Yes.” There isn’t any denying the obvious.

“Who did this to you?”

“Two men. I’m not certain who they were.” It’s the truth,
but it feels like a lie.

“Why?”

“I think it was because I went to the hospital.”

“This happened to you because of
her
? Retaliation for
the accusations so long ago?”

“I don’t know. The two men warned me to stay away from her.”

Lin stands and paces. “You mustn’t go back then.”

I let out a long sigh, and it sounds full of frustration and
desperation. It’s surprising. I didn’t think I had any emotion left.

“How can I leave now, knowing I have to worry about your
safety?” Lin sits back down, and I hate the worried look I see etched into her
face.

“I’ll be fine,” I assure her.

“If I beg you not to go to the hospital or contact Gigi in
any way while I am gone will I be wasting my breath?”

Swallowing hard, I shrug. Two men beat me senseless and
could have easily killed me if they wanted, but that does not seem deterrent
enough.
Gigi needs me.
I close my eyes at the arrogance of my thoughts.
What she needs is medical professionals—physical therapists, psychologists—not
me. I fall forward, hugging myself and allowing myself to cry. “I don’t know
what’s wrong with me. I ache as badly as I did ten years ago.”

“George, you must release your guilt. You must forgive
yourself. That is the only way you will begin to heal. You must put Gigi back
into your past—that is where she belongs—only then will you have a future.”

She’s right. I know she’s right, but how can I ever push
Gigi back into my past?

“You were in love with her,” she guesses.

“Not inappropriately so. Not sexually.” I try to keep my
voice calm and even.
Why do I doubt my words?
“She just needed someone
to give a damn about her.”

“A noble quest.” She meets my gaze. “You were a good man to
try to help a troubled teenager. You are still a very good man. You care about
people. That is why you went to the hospital even though it was never a wise
thing to do.”

“Why not wise?”

“Because she has already broken your heart once. She has a
power over you that I pray you will be able to escape.”

Her calm, rational demeanor irritates me. I suddenly realize
that I want her to be angry with me. I want her to rant and rave. I want her to
force me to see my own stupidity.

“Do not let her destroy your soul.”

Her request makes me shudder.

“I am not an innocent.” Strong emotions cross Lin’s face as
she purses her lips. “I can tell you think about her even when you are with me.
You still want to save the lost girl, the injured girl. In her you saw the
tender young growth of a budding masochist, and you wanted to be the one to
mold her into something more, but the laws of society forced you to bide your
time until she was of a legal age. Only she couldn’t wait. She tried to force
your hand and the resulting scandal destroyed you—I’m not talking about your
career, I’m talking about you the man—because your mind couldn’t wrap around
the truth of it. You wanted her then and you still want her now. In time I have
no doubt you will fuck her.”

“You are definitely not an innocent, but I don’t think your
theory is as on target as you’d like to believe.” I stand and take Lin’s hands.
I pull her to her feet. “Come to the bedroom. I want nothing more than to spend
the time we have left making love to you over and over again.”

She pulls away from me though I still hold her hands.

“You’re being irrational. Before she was admitted to the
hospital I hadn’t seen her for a decade, because I hadn’t wanted to see her.
You are going to have to trust me.”

“I trust that you have already declared yourself polyamorous
and while I am away, you will indulge yourself. Will you be okay with me seeing
others as well?”

What?
Of course,
fair is fair
wars with
no
way
. “Do you want to see others?”

Lin smiles as mischievously as a Cheshire cat. “You have
said that you are capable of loving many people. That every human being is
capable of very deep emotional and sexual bonds with a multitude of lovers. As
I become more accustomed to the ways and rules of your world, I have to assume
I will have equal opportunity to put your theories to test.”

Exactly. Why place unreasonable limits on our relationship?
I should be thrilled that she has grasped the basics so easily.

“I’ve been researching the modern polyamorous movement.”

Funny, I thought it was a lifestyle…

“And I believe now is a good time to discuss if I am to be
your primary partner with all of the benefits that go with having that
distinction. It only seems right that my needs rise above others.”

I blink at her. “I’m surprised we’re having this
discussion.”

“Yet it is an important one to have, do you not agree?” She
kisses me. “If you are my primary and I am your primary, it only seems right
that we approve each other’s sexual partners. Not all of your clients of
course, but those men and women who will be significant in our lives. I should
be given the opportunity to approve or deny whether you take a relationship
with Gigi to the next level.”

Ah, there’s the crux of it.

“I do not want you to have sex with this woman who has
twisted something in your mind. You didn’t get to have sex with her when she
was a child and now that she is a woman you want her, and saying that you are
poly makes it okay for you to fuck her.”

“Don’t be ugly, Lin.”

“Ugly? You think what I say is ugly?”

“I need to figure out what I’m feeling for Gigi, and I need
you to understand that. You want me to say that I want only you and no one
else, and I can’t say that. I will never be able to say that.”