Voyeur Extraordinaire (16 page)

“I know what you’re thinking,” I said even more quietly. “But I felt validated by his interest in me. It’s not like I have guys standing in line for me. At least not guys I’m interested in. You probably think I’m stupid for feeling special when he asked me to come with him. After all, he has a new woman in his bed every night.” I shut my mouth, realizing that I was rambling.

“I don’t think you’re stupid, Nora. I’d never judge you. I’m your friend and I’m worried, so tell me what happened that made you freak out like that. I’ve never seen you like that and I don’t want to ever again.”

I took a deep breath, then peeked over to Jared to make sure he was still ‘reading’. “After he asked me to come up to his apartment, I said no at first. But even then, I wanted to say yes. We’d kissed in the cab and it had felt so good, better than anything I’d ever felt before.” I blushed, realizing how pathetic that made me sound. “So eventually I agreed to go up with him.”

Amy pressed her lips together. “Let me guess, you didn’t tell him you were a virgin, right?”

I closed my eyes for a moment. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want to ruin everything.”
Well, good job.
“I thought I didn’t mind that he probably only wanted me for one night.”

“You thought he’d change for you,” Amy said. “So you slept with him and then he told you to leave?” She was getting impatient. Ah, Amy, I couldn’t help but love her.

I shook my head. “No, I mean, not exactly.” I lowered my head, staring at Bruno who’d fallen asleep in my lap. “In his apartment, we made out. In the hallway. And it all felt so good. I didn’t think straight. I didn’t want to
think
.  Adrian pushed me up against the wall, and well…I cried out because it hurt when he entered me. He pulled out instantly. And he was shocked…and...and disgusted. He said...he said...” I let out a choked laugh. “He said 'I don't do virgins!'”

Amy gasped, eyes widening in horror. “He didn’t!”

Jared looked over his newspaper but I ignored him. I didn’t want to see his expression. “He did,” I whispered. “You should have seen his face, Amy. He looked
repulsed
.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, leaning my head against her shoulder. Amy rested her head on top of mine. “What a bastard. I can’t believe he said that. I can’t believe anyone would even think that. That sick fuck.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. Amy never cursed like that, but then I sobered quickly. “I felt so dirty. I still feel.”

“No, you don’t,” Amy said firmly. “If anything you should feel furious.”

“I do. But…” I trailed off, my throat tightening.

“You wanted something special, I know. But it’s only one time. The first time doesn’t count, especially not
that
first time. It practically didn’t happen and you should forget about it right this second. You’ll have fabulous sex with guys that actually deserve you.”

“It took me 21 years to find a guy willing to sleep with me. Fabulous sex is nothing I’m too hopeful about. And after tonight, after feeling like I was ripped apart, I’m in no rush to have sex again, believe me.”

“The first time is seldom good. But it gets better. So much better,” Amy said the last three words in a conspiratorial whisper. “And honestly, it’s no surprise that it hurt. Your first time shouldn’t happen with an inconsiderate bastard against a wall. Jared took good care of me and my first time still hurt.” Amy and Jared shared a loving look over his newspaper. Tears shot into my eyes so quickly I had barely time to blink them back. I bet Jared whispered sweet nothings into her ear as he made love to her. I bet he held her in his arms afterward. I bet he cherished and loved her even back then. I bet he told her he loved her and actually meant it. High school sweethearts. How must it feel to never have your heart broken?

Suddenly, I felt the walls closing in on me. I couldn’t stay a second longer in a room with Jared and Amy, and their love. I was such an idiot. I jerked to my feet, holding Bruno against my chest, and stumbled toward the door. “I should go to my apartment,” I mumbled. I tore the door open and stepped into the corridor,
then froze. Adrian was standing in front of my apartment.

I
sucked in a breath in surprise. Adrian turned around and stared at me. I backed away into Amy’s apartment and closed the door again, my heart pounding in my chest. I bumped into Amy who’d followed me. “Nora?”

“Adrian. He’s out there.” Bruno whined and I loosened my grip on him. I’d practically been crushing him against me.

Jared appeared at my side. “That guy is in the hall
now
?”

I nodded numbly, staring at the wood of the door. A knock sounded and I flinched. Jared walked past me and put his hand on the door handle, then gave Amy a look over his shoulder. She took my hand and pulled me away from the door and into their bedroom. “Let Jared deal with him.”

I wasn’t sure what that meant and I honestly didn’t care.

We stood right in front of the closed bedroom door, but Jared was talking too quietly for me to make out what he was saying to Adrian and maybe it was for the best. I was about to walk over to the bed and sink down when I heard Adrian's voice. “I don’t owe you anything, least of all an explanation. I need to see Nora.”

“Fuck off,” Jared said loudly. “You better leave and never try to talk to Nora again.”

“Or what?” Adrian snarled. The danger in his voice sent a shiver down my back. Amy shifted nervously beside me. “Maybe I should go out,” I suggested, even though it was the last thing I wanted. I couldn’t face Adrian. Not so soon after what had happened, maybe never.

“No,” Amy said. “Jared has a black belt. He can handle this.” A sudden burst of worry for Adrian filled me, but I squashed it. He deserved to have his ass kicked.

“Or you’ll regret it,” Jared said.

“Is that a threat?”

There was commotion, and Amy took a step toward the door. She gave me an apologetic look, then disappeared into the living room. I hesitated. I needed to get a grip on myself. Taking a deep breath, I followed Amy, bracing myself for the sight of Adrian, but he was gone. Jared was leaning against the closed front door, massaging his wrist. Amy rushed toward him, taking his hand in hers. His knuckles were red, but that didn’t seem to bother Jared. He was rubbing his wrist. “What happened?”

Jared shook his head.

“Jared?”
I asked.

“He wanted to talk to you. I punched him.”

“And you hurt your wrist when you punched him?” Amy asked doubtfully.

“No, in the resulting shoving match. I’m pretty sure that Adrian guy has a black belt, too. Or at least martial arts experience. Quick bastard twist
ed my arm after I punched him.”

My eyes widened and I stared at Jared’s wrist that was turning as red as his knuckles. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your evening.” This day had turned into a nightmare.

“Nonsense,” Amy said, but she didn’t stop prodding Jared’s wrist. “Jared’s wrist has seen worse. You don’t earn a black belt without your fair share of injuries on the way.” But those injuries hadn’t been my fault.

“Amy’s right. And it felt good to punch that asshole. The only thing I’m angry about is that I let down my guard and he got the better of me.”

“Then why did he leave?”

“When he saw me, he left. Maybe he didn’t want to cause a scene in front of a woman,” Amy said.

“He didn’t seem the chivalrous type when he told me he didn’t do virgins.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness from my voice. Jared looked away, probably embarrassed.

“I’m a potential fuck buddy
,” Amy said, her nose wrinkled.

Jared jerked his head around, his eyes practically popping out of his head. “If he touches you, I’ll--” Amy silenced him with a kiss before he could deliver his threat. “Don’t worry, I have standards.” Her widened eyes snapped toward me. “Oh, Nora, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No, you’re right. I should have known better.” All the anger and mortification drained out of me until only tiredness was left.

Amy put her arm around me. “You shouldn’t be alon
e tonight. You can sleep here.”

I gave her an uncertain look and she said firmly. “No objections.” My eyes darted to Jared who’d grabbed a bag of frozen peas from the freezer and was pressing it against his wrist.

“Don’t try to argue. Amy will only chain you to our sofa if you try to leave.”

I smiled gratefully. “Thanks. You’re the best, both of you. I don’t deserve you.”

“Stop talking crazy. Now come on. I’ll give you one of my pajamas for the night.” I’d never seen Amy in anything that came close to pajamas. Babydolls, camisoles, tiny shorts that I filed under lingerie, yes, but not pajamas. If I had a boyfriend to seduce, I’d probably go for sexy too, but as it was comfortable would do. I pushed the bitterness aside. Amy opened the dresser in their bedroom and scanned the pile of nightclothes.

“Maybe you can just give me one of Jared’s shirts?” I said, then wondered if that was something I shouldn’t have suggested. Wearing your best friend’s boyfriend’s shirts was probably a no-go. Amy, however, didn’t seem offended. She was too busy perusing her clothes. “Aha!” she exclaimed and pulled out flannel pajamas with yellow ducks on them. She held them up for my approval and I cracked a smile. “You’re wearing those?”

Amy smiled sheepishly. “Only when Jared’s gone and I need something to keep me warm and snuggly.”

I took the pajamas. They were incr
edibly soft. “They’re perfect.”

She nodded toward their bathroom. “I’ll wait for you to get ready?”

“Are you going to read me a goodnight story too?” Somehow the words sounded more snippy than I’d intended. I shook my head, then smiled apologetically. Amy gave me a little shove. “Get ready while I pick a story.” What would it take to get Amy angry? She was always so considerate and kind. No wonder Jared adored her.

When I stepped into the bathroom, my eyes landed on the shower. For a moment, I considered washing Adrian’s scent off of me, to wash the memories off of me, but I didn’t want to impose on Amy anymore than I already had. Instead I wiggled out of the dress, looking at it with something close to wistfulness. I wouldn’t wear it ever again. I hoped goodwill could use it. I slipped the pajamas on,
then left the bathroom. Amy had already pulled out their sofa and set out a pillow and a blanket for me.

We settled on the couch again and Jared quietly snuck into their bedroom. I leaned my head against the backrest. A headache was hammering in my skull and there was a twinge in my abdomen. “Do you have Tylenol?”

Amy hopped off the couch and returned a couple of minutes later with a glass of water and two pills. I washed them down with the water, then stretched out on the sofa-bed. “Go to Jared. I’ll be fine.”

Amy looked doubtful. “I could sleep on the sofa with you.”

“No,” I said quickly. “I’ll be fine, Amy, honestly. Just like you said, it was only one time. In a few months I’ll probably laugh about everything. It meant nothing. Adrian meant nothing.”

Amy kissed my cheek, then headed off to the bedroom. I extinguished the lamp on the side table and stared into the darkness, my last words replaying in my mind.
It meant nothing. Adrian meant nothing.

LIAR.

Today –
tonight
, those words were lies, but tomorrow, I promised myself they’d be true.

I
awoke with a steady pounding in my head. It felt like my skull was going to burst any second. I sat up, blinking back sleep. For a moment, I was disorientated and confused but then as I shifted and felt the soreness between my legs, everything came crashing back down on me. I'd hoped that maybe I’d had enough wine last night to not remember everything but my memories were as sharp as if I was seeing them on Amy’s iPad. I could remember
every
mortifying moment of last night.

I buried my face in the soft pillow and drew in a deep breath, trying to hold back tears. I’d thought a night’s sleep would dull the ache in my chest. It didn’t. My mortification, my sadness, my anger were as fresh and raw as last night. The anger was the only emotion I was glad to have. Anger was something I could deal with. Maybe. But the rest…

I'd always wondered how my first time was going to be, and now all those silly imaginations had been proven wrong. So very wrong. A long time ago I’d imagined my first time to be with my first love, the guy I’d been pining for from freshman year until graduation. Of course, I’d given up on that fantasy a long time ago. I quickly shoved that thought out of my brain. It led to nothing good. Later, after high school, I’d thought it would happen with someone I met in New York after moving there, someone I loved. Back then I still believed in love at first sight. Then later I’d resigned myself to the fact that I’d lose my virginity in a meaningless fling with a decent guy just to finally lose it. I’d been in that state of mind when I first laid eyes on Adrian and everything would have been perfectly fine if I’d remained in that state of mind (well, Adrian’s words would have stung even then), but somehow along the way of watching Adrian screw other women, I’d inexplicably fallen for him. Fallen in lust, as Amy called it, and maybe it had been just that; until our shared dinner, until I heard him talk about Italy, until I heard him laugh, until I caught the briefest peek behind his mask.