Waiting for Godalming (20 page)

Authors: Robert Rankin

Tags: #sf_humor, #Fiction, #General, #Humorous

BOOK: Waiting for Godalming

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“No,” said Icarus. “I didn’t.
You
did. From the very first time I met you. It was you all along. You helped me at Professor Partington’s. When you opened the shed door and the breeze blew the map pieces conveniently into place. And in the pub, when I threw the tablet into the air and said ‘Let’s leave it to fate’ and the tablet fell straight down my throat. You did it. And you’ve done it again and again. I trusted you. I thought you were my friend. But I was nothing to you. Just another pawn in your game.”

“Hey, kid,” I said. “I’d ease up if I were you. This is God you’re talking to, you know.”

“Hm,” said Icarus, biting his lip.

“Best show a little respect, eh?”

“It’s all right,” said God. “I understand. After all, I understand everything. That’s what being God is all about. It’s just that I’ve never been too good with money. And I did marry a wife who made a
lot
of demands. She never really understood me, you see. But listen, Icarus, I might have helped you out a little. But I did it because I was acting as your Holy Guardian Angel. Lazlo had Barry and you had me.”

“You made a fool of me,” said Icarus.

“No, my boy. I just helped you to achieve your ambitions. Getting all the angels and demons back where they belong, that is the ultimate piece of relocation work. And you played a major role in doing that. Why, if you hadn’t released Lazlo from the psychiatric hospital …”

“
You
talked me into that!”

“Details, details,” said God. “Always details. You played your part and you did your bit and it has brought you and your brother back together again.”

“That kid is no brother of mine,” I told God.

God raised an eyebrow.

“Whatever you say, sir,” said I. “But he ain’t.”

God smiled and tipped me the wink. “Right,” said He. “Well, everything seems to be tied up, with no loose ends. There will be a knock coming on your door in just a few minutes. It will be my, er, widow. And by the by, Mr Woodbine, you did get one thing wrong. She
doesn’t
know. She really thinks I’m dead. Ours wasn’t exactly what you’d call a happy marriage. She’s not a very caring woman, my wife. I gave her the world, literally, but it wasn’t enough. She didn’t care about me and she didn’t care about Colin. Mind you, he was an evil little wretch and he was going to sell the world off to the devil, which really wasn’t playing the game. I wrote my will to implicate him in my murder, but I knew he’d walk free. I thought it would be a good laugh to see him and my wife arguing over who really owned the world. I’m sorry he’s dead, of course, but then accidents will happen.”

Icarus opened his mouth to speak, but then thought better of it.

“So, I’ll be leaving you now,” said God. “I know I can trust you to do the right thing and sell the story of my murder to my wife. We all want the same thing, don’t we? The angels back in Heaven and the demons back in Hell.”

I nodded and Icarus nodded. And Jesus nodded too.

“I’ll be glad to get back to Heaven,” said Jesus. “You can’t get a decent haircut down here.”

“And I did like you, Icarus,” said God. “I do like you. It was great to be your friend.”

“It was great to be yours,” said Icarus. “You were like a brother to me.”

“And it was never dull. I really enjoyed that bit when you used the spectremeter to make it appear that the professor’s Ford Fiesta was still going round and round the multi-storey car park. That was really clever of you. I liked that.”

“Thanks,” said Icarus.

“So, good luck to you, my boy. You’ll do all right for yourself. Although I’d advise you to find yourself a new vocation. Relocation can be a dangerous profession. But you’ll succeed, I know you will. You have my word on that.”

“Thanks again,” said Icarus.

“Well, I must be leaving you now,” said God. “I have a hot date at the Crimson Teacup, and it would be rude to keep a lady waiting. So I’ll say goodbye for now. Goodbye and God bless.”

And with a wink and a wave and a nod and a grin, He vanished.

Just like that.

“I think I’d better be leaving too,” said Jesus. “I’ve never been too good at lying to my step-mum. She doesn’t care too much for me, you know.”

And he gave a nod and a wink and a wave.

And then he vanished too.

I looked at Icarus.

And Icarus looked at me.

“That just leaves the two of us, kid,” said I.

And then there came a knock knock knocking at my office door and I could see a big fat shadow on the frosted glass.

“I think you’d better leave all the talking to me, kid,” I said. “This will be my last bow. I’ve solved my final problem. After I’ve talked to the dame, Lazlo Woodbine Investigations is shutting up shop for good and all. I’ve had enough of this business.”

Icarus smiled and stuck out his hand for a shake.

“You’re a hero,
brother
,” he said. “Put it there.”

I smiled back at the kid in the way that only Woodbine can do.

And then I shook my brother by the hand.

THE END

All Greek barbers wear a truss. It’s a tradition, or an old charter, or something.

n_1

The phrase, “with the corner up”, meaning “you are a lying git” or “in your dreams”, was first coined by the great boxing cornerman Richard Reekie, dubbed in the sporting press as the Cockney in Clay’s corner. Before the now legendary fight between Cassius Clay and “Our ’enry” Cooper, Reekie was told that Cooper felt he could beat Clay. “The only way Cooper will win”, said Reekie, “is with the corner [man] up holding Clay’s arms behind his back.” These things matter.

n_2

Rondo Hatton, legendary Hollywood star of
The Creeper
. It’s a joke, see, Rondo Hat on. Well, please yourself!

n_3

See that, it’s lunchtime, not night at all.

n_4

A Lazlo Woodbine Thriller.

n_5

Opinions are divided regarding which actor gave the best portrayal of Laz in a Hollywood movie. Robert Mitchum, Brian Donleavy and Rondo Hatton are up there in the top three.

n_6

Lobsang Rampa.

n_7

This is true. You can try it yourself if you don’t believe me. It’s a very expensive way to cook an egg, but it’s one of the reasons why I don’t own a mobile phone.

n_8

Plinth is a really wonderful word. It was Simon Kimberlin, the rubber fetish wear designer, who first drew my attention to it. “Get a woman to slowly pronounce the world plinth,” said he, “and watch her mouth, it’s one of the sexiest things you’ll ever see.” And it is. Try it yourself if you don’t believe me.

n_9

A
really
big one!

n_10

A quarter-pounder of prime char-grilled steakburger, done to perfection and served with a crispy salad topping and a choice of dressings, in a golden toasted sesame seed bun. I’ve tried others, but these are the best. Yes siree, by golly.

n_11

Forget it. I have no intention of endorsing Habitat!

n_12

Actually I heard this really good joke about Barbie the other day. So if it’s OK I’ll share it with you now, before the violence gets under way. This guy takes his daughter to a toyshop to buy a Barbie doll. And there’s three of them in the window. There’s sporting Barbie, at £9.99. Disco Barbie, at £9.99. And divorced Barbie, at £500. “Why is divorced Barbie so expensive?” asks the guy. “Because”, says the shop assistant, “divorced Barbie comes complete with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s etc.” Well, I thought it was funny.

n_13

William Burges, the now legendary nineteenth-century architect, notable for such gothic extravaganzas as Castel Coch. Not to be confused with the other Cardinal Cox.

n_14

A Lazlo Woodbine thriller.

n_15

Now available on video.
Workout with Woodbine
is priced at £15.99 at all reputable retail outlets.

n_16

Have you tried that with a woman yet? Yes? Well, I told you it was sexy, didn’t I?

n_17

The secret Bible for the initiated. Not that you’ll get it in W.H. Smith’s.

n_18

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