Waiting for Grace (29 page)

“Why now?” Robert said, making his way to me, wrapping me in his big strong arms. “Allow yourself to have tonight. Let yourself just cry it out tonight, you don’t always have to be so strong.” As he held me I melted into his body.

“I just,” I gasped, tears taking hold again, “I just thought I was already fucked up enough and now … why can’t I just be normal?”

“You are normal,” he whispered, “it’s your bloody family that aren’t, this should never have happened to you. I’m so sorry.”

“Let’s order a drink.”

***

An hour later we were curled up on the bed, on top of the sheets, drinking wine and eating crisps. “So,” I sighed, “where do I go from here? I can’t face Mum again. God, I’m so angry right now and I’m not sure how I feel about being abandoned in that house with her by Diane.”

“Well I think everyone deserves a fair hearing, and Diane meant well, she meant to give you a good life.”

“You think? Sounds like Jeff and Irene were pretty cuckoo before I was born.”

“True,” he smiled to me, “but you survived; you’re better than all right and you’ve got a great life. You’ve done well for yourself. They didn’t scar you.”

“It feels like they did,” I said quietly. “Any normal girl would have come home with you that day.”

“And any sane guy would never have left you.”

“But look what you have now, you never could have had that if you’d have stayed,” I said.

“The only two things that I’ve got now that I give a damn about are you and Devon, so if I’d have stayed I would have had you for seven years not just the past two months. The job, money, uni, it means nothing, but at seventeen I couldn’t see that. I thought it all meant happiness.”

“You were happy.”

“No I was comfortable.” He put his hand on my face. “This makes me happy, being with you, no matter what we go through and what happens, us being together.”

“You were right, I wasn’t good enough for you, I never fit into that world and I still don’t.”

“What I said that day Grace, I meant none of it, okay? I said those things to hurt you because I wanted you to hurt like I was. My heart was breaking because I knew you weren’t going to come and I felt forced to make a decision, so I said what I thought would make you come and I should never have said that. It wasn’t fair.”

“It was true, Robert. I’m not sure that I’ll ever be the right person for you and I’ll always have this fucked up secret to live with.”

“It’s not a secret anymore and who isn’t fucked up? God,” he sighed, “I don’t want anyone else and you’re perfect for me. I knew that the day I met you and I still know it now. Maybe I’m not good enough for you, some mummy’s boy who abandoned you in a big city, pregnant, and vulnerable when I knew you were hurting. I should have helped you leave Irene earlier.”

I shook my head. “We’ve both got a lot to regret.” I sighed.

“So let’s make up for it now,” he said.
 

I smiled at him and leaned forward for a kiss. “Then why don’t you want me?” I whispered.

“What? Have you not just heard a single word I said?”

“I mean why don’t you want to sleep with me, in all these months you haven’t even tried,” I said quietly.

He gazed into my eyes and smiled. “Lack of opportunity,” he raised an eyebrow, “and I didn’t want to scare you away.”

“Why? Are your skills scary now?” I laughed.

“No, are yours?” He prowled towards me and kissed me gently again.

“I want you Robert, all of you, and I want to know that you’ll never let me walk away from you again.”

“You’ve got me Grace and Jesus, I’d die before you got away from me.” I leaned back into the bed as his kisses became more intense and he gently lay on top of me. “I don’t want you to think that this is all I want.”

“God shut up and get me off.” I laughed.

He kissed me and smiled as he did. “You have a filthy mouth Miss Cooper.”

“Then do something about it.”

He kissed softly down my neck and I groaned. His hand roamed down my body and gently ran under my vest top. I hadn’t worn a bra, and so he quickly accessed my breasts groaning as he settled his hand on my right breast. “I’ve missed this.” He sighed.

He came back to my mouth and kissed me harder, both of us taken over by desire as our tongues tangled and I reached down to his jeans, feeling his need for me through them, already hard. He pulled my top up and leaned down to suck my nipples and I groaned again. I threw my top off over my head and pulled at his t-shirt, which he pulled all the way off. His body was bigger than I remembered, no longer a boy. He had the hard body of a man and it made me want him more. I kissed his chest and ran my hands all over his body. We kissed again and his hands roamed lower into my pants. I unbuttoned his jeans and he helped me by sliding them down with his underwear. He was suddenly completely naked on top of me. I smiled up into his eyes as he looked at me.

“I love you Grace, my brown eyed girl.” We kissed again furiously as he pulled my pants and underwear down with one hand and touched my left breast lightly with the other. He found my most sensitive spot and stroked it gently, and I felt that amazing pressure build as he rubbed and touched me. I took him in my hand and stroked gently, to which he groaned. Then he pulled away from me, reached for his wallet, and pulled out a condom, which he expertly rolled on and then hovered back over me. He kissed me again and was inside me.

It had been a long time since I had slept with anyone, but having Robert back was like being home. “You feel so good,” he crooned. We moved together like we had never been apart. It was slow at first and then harder and faster. He pushed me to the edge and I came apart screaming his name, as he climaxed.

“God Grace, I missed that.”

“It was pretty good wasn’t it?” I said, cuddling into him, our naked bodies tangled in the sheets.

“You, okay?”

“Better than okay.” I smiled, “I needed that to forget the other shit that I’ve had to deal with today. You and Devon are my happy places.”

“I’m glad.” He pulled me tightly to him. “Because that was definitely my favourite place to be.” I shook my head, embarrassed.

“Now tomorrow I need to figure out who the hell I am and how to deal with it.”

“Sounds like a plan.” He nodded, switching the light out and pulling me close again. 

Shepherd’s Bush - Diane

“Carl, phone!” I had my hands full again, this house was filled with people and yet the phone was ringing off the hook. “Carl, I’m doing the paper mache for God’s sake.” Nothing. I ran to the phone, my hands sticky with glue and newspaper.

“Hello?” I said.

“Diane?” I inwardly sighed, my stepmother.

“Hello, Irene, Merry Christmas, but look this is a bad time. I’m in the middle of a project for my Year Tens and …”

“She came back,” she cut me off, and I must have misheard.

“What?”

“Grace was here today, she came here.”

“What?” I stuttered, “She … what?” I almost dropped the phone. I had lost all hope that Grace would ever venture back to that hell hole that she was dragged up in and I had no way of finding her. I had lost my daughter again on her eighteenth birthday. Before that day, I had hope and after that, I had nothing, no leads, no knowledge and no trace. Perhaps Karma had other ideas after all.

“She came with the Banford boy. I suppose they rekindled things.”

“And? Did you get a number? An address? Is she still there?”

Irene cleared her throat. “No, sorry no I didn’t,”

“What?” I almost screamed.

“Well, I told her. I told her the truth and she,” she coughed again, “it didn’t go well, she was very upset.”

“Upset,” I repeated solemnly. Well of course she would be. Anyone would be. She doesn’t know me, her life has been thrown into disarray, and I can’t expect her to be glad about it.

“She ran out of here with the boy and I managed to stop him and give him your number for her to call but,” she sighed, “I doubt she’ll be here again.”         I did feel for the old woman, her life hadn’t been a picnic, and yes she had neglected my only daughter, but she was ill. I knew she still struggled daily with her addictions, all addicts did. She wanted Grace to forgive her and had forgone that to finally tell her the truth. “Thanks for telling her, Irene, and I’m sorry she didn’t take it well.”

“I didn’t expect her to. It was so lovely to see her and then I had to break her heart.” Her voice cracked as she said the final word and I had to recover myself.

“Is she okay? Did she look well?”

“Seemed it, seemed really together and just the same except so grown up.”

“Right, well, I’ll try and get hold of the Banfords, perhaps try the phone book. I’ll try and find her.”

“Maybe let her deal with this and find you.” For some reason that pushed my buttons and I was furious that she felt she could tell me how to handle this, the woman who had lost her in the first place.

“I’m her mother, Irene, and I’m done letting you make decisions for me, twenty-five years is already too long.” I warned.

“Okay then, bye,” she said tightly.

“I appreciate the call,” I said formally, hanging up with my heart beating so fast in my chest.

As I placed the phone receiver down I screamed, “Carl!” The whole house seemed to vibrate with my call. I heard him bumble upstairs and then his feet thud down the stairs to the kitchen where I stood.

“Bloody Hell Diane, what?” He walked to face me, “What’s happened? Was it bad news?”

“Just the opposite,” I said, my face breaking into a grin, “Grace was at Irene’s, she’s been home Carl. Oh my God.” I jumped into his arms and tears began to flow as he held me tightly. “I might finally get my baby back.”

Twenty-Seven

Grace

Now

The next day was a whole new world, I was coming to terms with the information from my mum. I also woke up curled into Robert naked, which hadn’t happened for a very long time.

“Morning.” He smiled contentedly.

“Morning.” I smiled back.

He put the kettle on and I lazed in the sheets.

“Do you want to head home today, then?” Robert asked as I stood to get in the shower.

“I think so, I mean we were only going to stay a couple more days and to be honest I think I just want to be home and talk it through with Maria.” He averted his eyes and I could see that might have hurt. “Not that you’ve not been great.”

“But she’s your best friend,” he smiled up at me, “I get it, it’s fine.”

I showered and so did Robert and then we dressed to face the world. I was desperate to see Devon.

“Before we go, I think I better give you this.” He retrieved a folded piece of paper from his pocket and passed it to me. “It’s Diane’s phone number, Irene gave it to me yesterday as I was following you to the car.”

I took it from him. “Seems weird now holding the one thing that I was so desperate for all those years ago, a connection to my sister. I was so desperate for a family.” I laughed a little. “I wanted anyone to call my own, so much that I became obsessed, didn’t I?”

“So what? You wanted to find her, that’s perfectly normal and it’s a shame we never did or else you would have known her by now.”

“But she’s not just my sister anymore.” I unfolded the paper and stared at my mum’s familiar writing. “I could forgive a sister for fleeing and making a new life for herself, but as my Mother? I don’t know how I feel.” I folded it again and looked to Robert who pulled me into a hug.

“You don’t need to make any decisions today or tomorrow, just think about it and if and when you want to call. We will.”

I hugged him back and breathed him in.

***

We got to the Banford house half an hour later, and I took a deep breath. They would all know my news, but Robert promised me things wouldn’t be weird, and that no one would mention anything. We would just pack, get Devon, say our goodbyes and go home. Hopefully returning again for a less stressful visit next time. I was looking forward to getting back to my own home, sleeping in my own bed, and getting back to my routine so I could make sense of my life. I was still me, I would always be me, I had Devon and she was my life. I loved Robert and at home I would always have Maria. I hadn’t told her about this yet, I was waiting until we were back home and I could really gauge her reaction and take some much-needed advice. I wasn’t sure why I was so upset, not being Irene’s daughter was great news, but being lied to certainly wasn’t. I think I was actually mourning for the big sister who I thought would make everything okay, the one thing that was always such a mystery and that I was sure was the answer to all my problems. She was the sister I daydreamed about, and now she could never be that. Diane wasn’t my saviour, she left me there, and I had been my own saviour, but perhaps now she could be my friend?

“Mummy,” Devon ran to me as we walked in the house and I held her to me closely.

“Hi baby,” I soothed into her hair, “have you had a good time?”       

“Oh yes. We had another party last night.”

“Well just us,” Barbara shook her head, “you’ll think all we do is drink.”

“Well it is Christmas,” Bob said, coming up behind Barbara and giving her a squeeze.

“Right well we better get packed,” Robert said. “You get comfortable down here, I’ll grab our things.” I nodded to him.

“Okay, right, you’re going. I’ll put the kettle on,” Barbara began. “Should I make some bacon sandwiches?”

“That sounds good, thanks,” I said and smiled to Robert.

Robert made his way upstairs and I sat down at the kitchen table with Devon making herself comfortable on my knee. We chatted, she was excited to get home to Max and Maria, and I was glad of her distraction. Barbara sat down after a while, placing steaming mugs of tea in front of me and also a large plate of bacon sandwiches for everyone to share.

“I’m sorry for yesterday,” she whispered to me when Devon was distracted by the sandwiches.

I nodded and looked down, “Thanks. It was a shock.”

“Of course,” she placed her hand on mine, “I know that right now you are confused and it’s a shock, but there is no doubt in my mind that Diane loves you.”

I looked at her confused, “How would you know?” I asked her.

“Oh, did Robert not tell you?”

“What?” he asked from behind me, having entered the room, the bags now dropped at the door.

“How does your mum know Diane?”

“Who’s Diane?” Devon asked, chirping up from her sandwich.

“Erm,” Barbara began, “I was her teacher and …”

“You knew?” I asked incredulously, I shook my head. “Did everyone in this bloody town know? Am I just a joke?” I stood up from the table and glared at Robert.

“It’s not like that, Grace, honestly, but she came here looking for you after that summer and she was desperate.” Barbara stood, looking to Robert who was glaring at her.

“How long have you known this? You couldn’t have said? You couldn’t have told me this two months ago?” I began to breathe heavily. “This town is plagued with secrets and no one seems to know which way is up. Come on Devon, we need to go, we’re better off around people we really know.”

“Grace,” Robert stepped towards me, “honestly I only knew last night and I couldn’t tell you then.” He shook his head and glared at Barbara. She didn’t say another word, and I raced to the front door pulling Devon behind me.

“Say bye to Nana and Grandad,” I seethed, my eyes brimming with more tears caused by lies that I would never understand.

Bob came out of the lounge and looked between us all, confusion written across his face. Then just as I turned to leave my mobile rang, I let go of Devon’s hand and saw Jackie’s name on the screen. I answered and could quickly tell that she was panicked and that something must have happened, my heart dropped.

“What is it Jackie?” I said sharper than I should have, “Just tell me.”

“It’s Maria,” she sighed, her voice faltered as she began again. “She was stabbed last night, attacked at your home, she’s in the hospital.”

“Oh my God,” I whispered. I looked to Robert with pure panic running through my veins. He could see from my face that something serious had happened and stepped towards me.

“Where’s Max? Is she … will she be okay?”

“I’ve just got here now, they won’t tell me anything, but Max is in temporary foster care. He wasn’t hurt; I’m trying to get him back,” Jackie croaked. “He was the one who called the ambulance.” She sniffed again. “Poor kid.”

“Shit, what the hell happened?”

“That’s all I know Grace, but I’m betting …”

“Joe,” I finished for her, eyeing Robert. “I’m on my way, which hospital?”

“Queens.”

“Got it, bye.” I turned back to the hallway full of people. “We need to go now, it’s Maria; she’s in hospital.”

“What?” Devon asked.

“Nothing to worry about,” I said to calm her, catching Robert’s eye and giving him a worried glare. “Just a little accident.”

“Oh Grace,” Barbara pulled me into a hug, “you all better get on the road, keep in touch. I hope everything will be okay and please listen to Robert. I didn’t want to interfere. That’s all. That’s why I didn’t say anything.”

I shook my head. I could only focus on Maria now, and all these secrets and lies were starting to make my head hurt. I should never have left her alone to come here. I betrayed the life that we had made together, where everything made sense to come back here to the land of madness. I ached for home but was petrified of what I might find when I got there, and poor Max must be in hell. He needed me, they needed me, these people didn’t need me they were just liars.

We drove home fast, Robert held my hand periodically and half way Devon fell asleep.

“So what’s happened?” he asked concern etched in his voice.

“She’s been attacked, stabbed at home,” I whispered, looking back to make sure Devon was still asleep. I was a lot calmer than I ought to be, but I couldn’t shout with Devon there even though inside I was screaming.

“Oh shit.”

“Jackie’s there, Max is in temporary care, he called the ambulance and,” my voice broke and I struggled to compose myself, “Jackie’s there, but they haven’t told her anything.”

“We’ll be there soon,” he smiled, “Jesus, and I heard you say Joe, you think?” he asked.

I shrugged. “No idea, I know as much as you, but it’s a coincidence if not, why would anyone break into our home and attack her?” The reality began to seep in and I started to feel overwhelmed by sadness. “It’s horrendous, who would …” I began to quietly sob. “I should never have left her.”

“Oh God, Grace.” He squeezed my hand. “Look, she’s alive and that’s amazing isn’t it? I’m sure she’ll be fine. We just need to think positive. You’ve got to be strong.”

“I’m sick of having to be strong,” I sighed. “I just want something to go right for me for a bloody change. I can’t lose Maria. I just can’t.”

“You won’t.” He shook his head. “You bloody won’t.”

I held my face in my hands.

“About Mum …” Robert began.

“Don’t!” I snapped, “I don’t give a fuck about that stupid drama now, all I want is Maria safe. I don’t care about all those God damn secrets.”

“Okay,” he sighed, “Grace just please … please know that I had no idea what she knew … I would never have kept anything from you.”

I groaned, “Robert please, I really can’t talk about any of that now. Just get me to that hospital, back to my real life.” I could tell that he needed reassurance that this didn’t change anything between us, but I didn’t have it in me to give him that. I had allowed him back in, I had allowed them all back in, and all I felt was let down once again. I needed to get back to the safety of the last seven years and that meant Maria. I couldn’t bear the thought of anything happening to her and even though Robert said we, it was me. Just me. This was my life, my choice, and my friend. He wasn’t a part of this. The rest of the journey I stared out of the window willing the miles away.

***

We got to the hospital through horrendous London traffic at about 2 pm. I had had updates from Jackie who was still waiting for news at the hospital. A doctor had been out to discuss Maria’s condition, but was fairly tight lipped when there wasn’t a next of kin. Jackie was a mess and I could tell that she was pretty fraught and she still hadn’t seen Max. Robert pulled the car up in the short stay car park, directly outside of the hospital doors.

I turned to him, “Right, take Devon out for the day, back to your place, anywhere.”

“But …” he began. I looked back to Devon who was also looking at me with the same eyes, expectantly.

“I don’t want her to see this.”

“I want to be here for you.”

“And I want you to be there for her.” He nodded with a tight smile and then turned to Devon in the back seat with a mega-watt grin.

“Right lady, how about I take you to see Daddy’s new place?”

“Yes,” she nodded eagerly. “But what are you doing Mummy? Is Maria okay?”

“I’m going in here to see her and make sure she gets better, no children allowed.” She nodded.

“Okay, when will we see Max?”

“Soon,” I said, unsure if that was a lie. “Soon.” I looked to Robert and gave him a half-smile. He swallowed hard and gave me a devastating look. I knew he was struggling. I knew I was pushing him away, but I had no idea what else I could do. I didn’t want to be crowded by his presence and this hospital was no place for a child.

I pushed through the doors and raced to reception.

“My friend was brought in last night. She was stabbed, where is she?”

“Name?” The woman asked behind the desk, her face frozen at “can’t be bothered” and her voice as flat as a pancake. I was just another face in a sea of faces to her. I loved this city for that. Anonymity.

“Maria Reyes.”

She pressed some buttons and scrolled her mouse. “Right she’s on the surgical ward, you won’t be able to visit.”

“I need to get there, I need to know what’s happening.”

“Are you family?” She looked up to me. “You said friend.”

“Er, sister …” I lied, and she rolled her eyes.

“Okay head up to the surgical ward, family can wait there for news, it’s in the Blue Zone.”

“Thanks.” I nodded to her, but she was already looking behind me for the next patron.

I found the ward and made my way inside the big, heavy doors and headed to the nurses’ reception. As I walked towards the centre of the corridor I passed a room to my left and Jackie flew out of it.

“Oh Grace, Christ, thank goodness you’re here. They won’t tell me anything.”