Waiting for Grace (28 page)

“They should be helping you, not taking her off you.” He raged. “I can help you, I can be there and pay for everything, go and get her back!”

“No,” I shook my head, “they wouldn’t allow it.”

“She's our baby for fuck’s sake,” he spat.

“Carl,” I stood and walked over to him, pressing myself against his chest and taking his face in my hands, “do you still love me?”

He groaned and could barely meet my eyes, “Yes, God I do, but I hate you right now, too.”

“Then let’s go, I can’t watch them bring her up and just be her sister. I can’t do that.”

“Then go and get her and we’ll all just go together.”

“And what? Live in your car with a baby? I hate it, but she’s better off with them, they have money, they can give her what we can’t, and one day we’ll come back, be parents she can be proud of.”

“Di, I’m not sure I can do this. How can we just leave our baby behind?”

“Because it’s the best thing for her.”

“Then shouldn’t we stay and keep an eye on her.”

“I can’t,” I whimpered, hugging him close to me. “I can’t be here and not be her mum.” Carl finally relented and that night we packed his stuff and I packed a couple of bags, all my things seemed so childish now and I wanted none of it. I just wanted a new life and Carl was a means to that. He left without much fuss, he was used to moving on, and I think he’d had enough of Poulton, anyway. There were too many bad memories. He loved me and was willing to try and make things work even though there was a massive obstacle. I blamed him for making me pregnant and he hated me for the way I dealt with it. When we drove away that night we both had our issues and it didn’t take a psychic to see it would be hard work to get past them. The only thing I left was a note.

Dad,

I’m sorry but I can’t watch you be everything to my daughter when I cannot be. I love you and her and I’ll miss you all. Please make sure that Grace knows who her real Mummy is and when she’s eighteen I’ll be back.

Everyone deserves to know where he or she came from.

Grace is my gift to you but please respect my wishes and make sure she knows how much I loved her. I love her like only a mother can.

Diane xxx

The first year was hard. We had hardly any money and we struggled to get along and also to be adults. We were teenagers. Looking back now, we were babies. We drove south and eventually found some work in Bristol. It wasn’t much but we managed to rent a bedsit and save for a flat. We bickered a lot and I hated him for lowering me to this standard of living. It was in the bedsit one night that we finally had it out after a few drinks with some new friends we had made at work.

“You’ve turned me into a loser,” I shouted. “Look at this shitty bedsit. I was going to be a movie star.”

“The only person keeping you from that is you,” he raged.

“Oh yeah, well you got me pregnant and ruined my life.”

“Oh yeah, well you were there, too, and it takes two to tango.”

“You should have been careful!” I shouted. “You should have known what would happen.”

“Oh really? Well you should have told everyone sooner. Jesus Diane, you hid it for so long that there were no options.”

“What, like abortion?” I shouted. “You would rather Grace be dead?”

“No!” he screamed. “I would have liked to have laid eyes on her at least, or provided a better option than this.” He motioned around the room. “I could have saved, we could have planned; it didn’t need to be like this. You took every choice I had away from me.”

I looked to floor, “You took my life from me,” I whispered.

“No, Diane, you have your life, you could be exactly who you were before, your parents gave you that option, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Spoilt Diane is gone and now you are the woman living with the choices you made. What happened to us was a miracle, but we weren’t ready.” He put his arms around me, “If you want to be famous then let’s go, let’s go to London, you can do whatever you want and I’ll pay the bills.”

“Carl, how can we do that? How can you still want me when you see how much I blame you?”

“This isn’t about me or you Diane, this is about us, okay?” He pulled me close. “You can scream all you want but it’ll always be me and you against the world, okay?” I looked up into his eyes and saw the same boy I fell in love with. These past few months seemed like they were tearing us apart, but in actual fact, they were making us stronger; we were a team.

That night made me realise that we may always have our own blame to take for what happened and that was water under the bridge. It was about how we moved on from that and making the most of our futures that mattered now. We left Grace so she could have a better life and we owed it to ourselves to get that, too.

After a few months we took our savings and moved to London. We managed to get a little flat in Bethnal Green. Carl got a job training to be a butcher again, and I worked as a housemaid at a hotel and studied drama in the daytime. We had a routine, we had dreams, and we had a life finally. I learned that Carl hadn’t destroyed my life, he had given me life, and he supported every dream that I had. In turn, I loved and cared for him. When I was twenty-one I came home from work one night to find the lounge lit by candles and filled with flowers. Carl was on one knee and had a small box in his hand.

“Will you marry me, Diane? We belong together and it’s about time you were Mrs McGregor.” I jumped into his arms; it was a yes.

We married a few months later in a small ceremony with only close friends, and a few months after that I finished my latest course to become a drama teacher. I wasn’t going to be a famous actress, but I was going to be the best drama teacher any kid needed, and I certainly hoped one of my students would be famous one day.

Carl eventually took over the butcher’s shop that he worked in. I became a teacher at the local high school, we bought a house in the suburbs, and we had three boys, Jake, Lucas, and Ben. Every smile, every tear and every snotty nose was cherished as I knew what it was like to be the person who missed out on that. I never said and Carl didn’t mention it, but we did never get another girl. We loved our boys, they were perfect and well-behaved, and little gentlemen like their Dad, but we never managed to make up for the princess we gave away. I wouldn’t be wedding dress shopping with my daughter because I had given her away. I was the mother of sons, football, cricket, mud, bikes and more mud. I didn’t have dolls, butterflies and pink to deal with. I missed my daughter every day and often wondered what she looked like now and if she wondered about me. She never got in touch, I sent cards and addresses and phone numbers, but no one ever replied.

There was one rule though, the stipulation that I wrote in my letter – on the 7
th
November 2005 I would return. My baby would be eighteen and like it or not we would be back in her life.

Twenty-Six

Now

Robert drove away from my childhood home quickly and my life completely flashed before my eyes. Were there any signs? Did she ever slip up? Did she tell me when she was drunk? I couldn’t see anything, no clues, I couldn’t speak; the shock was too real. My head was swimming.

“Please don’t take me to your parent’s house,” I said quietly, “I can’t face a crowd.”

“Okay, we’ll go to a pub, I’ll drive a bit.”

I nodded, but didn’t respond, just stared out of the window. If I had have returned with Robert that fateful day all those years ago, so many things would have been different. I would have been here when Diane came back, met her, she would have told me the truth, and I would have had perhaps some motherly love for the first time in my life. I would have found out I was pregnant, I wouldn’t have been alone, and I wouldn’t have struggled all those years with Maria. I shook those thoughts away. What ifs were not required here and everything that I had lived through thus far made me who I am today.

“You okay?” Robert asked gently after we had driven for about ten minutes.

I sighed, “I suppose so,” I sniffed, the tears welling in my eyes. “I’ve just got no idea who I am anymore.”

“You do know Grace. You’re you no matter who your mum and dad are. You’re amazing and strong and clever.” He stopped and laced his fingers through mine. “And so beautiful that you take my breath away.”

I smiled, but still not to him, turning to look out of the window again, his words were lovely, but they didn’t even scratch the surface. I had seen pictures of Diane. We did look alike and I had been in her room, laid on her bed, gone through her photo albums. I had an idea of who she was, what she liked, and what she looked like, but who was my father? Who was the man that I might be like? I wasn’t the person I always thought and no wonder my mum saw me as a hindrance. I wasn’t her little girl. I wasn’t the angel she carried in her stomach like Devon was to me. She would never love me like she had Jamie. I cried, but struggled to stifle the sob. It escaped from my mouth loudly.

Robert pulled the car over and just grabbed me into his arms. “Shhhh,” he whispered kissing my face as he held me close. What else was there to say?

I sobbed loudly for a little while and then questioned why I was crying. “I’m glad she’s not my mum,” I said, “but why would my mum leave?”

“She was young,” he soothed.

“So was I when I had Devon. Maybe she just wanted to forget that I ever existed. Maybe she wanted to move on.”

“She wouldn’t have come back if that was the case,” he pulled back from me and laid his hand on my face softly, looking into my eyes, “my guess is she wanted you, but thought she was doing the right thing by leaving you. I bet she sees what happened to Irene and regrets that decision every day of her life, if she didn’t already regret it before.”

I sniffed, “Why did no one ever want me?” I sighed. I wrapped my arms around my middle; I felt sick. “Why am I crying, I need to be strong.”

“You don’t need to be anything.”

“Oh God,” I gasped, “It seems to all make sense now, Diane leaving and without a trace, Mum always making her sound like a whore and never having enough love for me. I wasn’t her real child, so she didn’t have anything to keep her together.”

“I’m no expert but Irene’s alcoholism probably had nothing to do with who was left for her to take care of and so much more to do with her ability to cope. It wasn’t you she didn’t want to live for; it was herself. She probably had an addiction before that your dad covered up.”

“You always know what to say.” I sniffed. He held me for a while and I wasn’t sure how long. “I don’t want to go to a pub, and I can’t go back there with everyone.”

“Okay, how about we get a hotel room and I go and get Devon?”

I smiled at him through my tears, “Perfect.”

***

We drove to the edge of the motorway and found a Travelodge. It wasn’t fancy, but it was clean and allowed us to check in at 7 pm on Boxing Day. We walked sombrely to the room, Robert hugging me from behind as we made our way down the corridor. Once in the room I was still quiet and in shock.

“I’ll run you a bath and make you a cup of tea, and then I’ll pop home and be back before you notice I’m gone.” He filled the small travel kettle in the room with water and then went to run the bath. I just sat on the edge of the bed.

“Right,” he said, a few minutes later, the cup of tea in my hands and the bath full. “I’ll be back before you finish in the bath.”
       

I looked up to him and into those amazing blue eyes. My stomach tugged with an overwhelming feeling of love. Robert was my safe haven all along, he knew what to say and what to do, “Thank you.” I breathed. “I don’t deserve you. You’re too good to me.”

He knelt in front of me and took my hands. “You’re welcome and you don’t have to thank me for taking care of you, it’s my pleasure.” I shook my head and grinned.

“I love you,” I said quietly and with that he kissed my forehead and was gone.

Robert

On the way back to my parent’s house I was severely fucked up and my mind was racing. I drove especially fast as I couldn’t leave Grace too long. I was worried that she would fall apart if I weren’t there. I needed to get Devon, get her back to that room, and then we could all just pull together. These past couple of months had made me feel complete after years of searching for something that I couldn’t quite find. Grace gave me that, she gave me a purpose, and she had given me Devon. These last couple of months I’d been walking on air. I was worried that this would ruin all my months of trying to get her back and that this would finally break Grace. I wouldn’t be able to put it all back together. Shit, why did her mum have to be such a fuck up and why did her family decide that not knowing her real mum would be a great idea? As if she hadn’t been through enough?

I made it home in ten minutes and flung through the door. Everyone was in the back room. I could hear the merriment and Devon’s sweet laughter. I felt numb and wasn’t sure how I could face a room full of Christmas cheer. Luckily, Mum came into the hallway, gin and tonic in hand, when she heard the door bang. She took one look at my face and could see that all wasn’t well.

“Robert,” she whispered. “Front room.” She nodded towards the lounge with her head and I followed her in. “Where’s Grace?”

“Oh Mum,” I croaked, tears threatening to fill my eyes. I was so choked with emotion. “Things didn’t go well.”

“They didn’t?” She asked, searching my eyes frantically.

“What happened? Where’s Grace?”

“She,” I shook my head. “She couldn’t come back here, she needs some time alone. I mean with me, but just not here, she’s had some … news.”

“What? God, Robert you’re scaring me.”

“We’ve checked into a hotel, she couldn’t come here and be surrounded by everyone, it’s her mum.”

“What … is she okay?”

“Yes,” I shouted, louder than I wanted to. “Sorry, yes she’s fine, better than fine, kicked the drink, and the house looks amazing but … but she’s not Grace’s real mum.” I sighed.

“Oh,” my Mum said. “Oh.”

“You don’t seem shocked.”

She shook her head and sipped the drink she held in her hand. “I suppose I’m not.”

“You’re not?” I asked angrily. “Why?” I glared at her. “Did you know, what the hell Mum?”

“Look, calm down, Robert. I didn’t know for sure but …”

“Do you know who her Mum is?”

“Does she?” I was seething.

“Yes, do you Mum?”

She sighed and fell back into the nearest armchair, covering her face in her hands, “Diane?” she asked and I nodded. What the hell did she know?

“What the hell, Mum!”

“Imagine Robert, imagine thinking you know a secret. Thinking you know something but never being sure enough to tell, and then it’s been too long and it’s just never your story to tell.”

“Mum, you’re scaring the shit out of me. I don’t need any more reasons for Grace to run away from me.” I shook my head.

“I knew Diane, okay? I was her teacher in high school. She wasn’t an A Level student of mine, but I was pregnant with you and she confided in me.”

“What?” I raged, standing up, “You knew all along.”

“Not quite, please calm down. I knew she was pregnant and advised her to tell her parents and then after that I never saw her again. I was busy, I had you and your brothers, and so I didn’t think of it much really. Until I met Grace …”

I felt sick, how could my mum have known this and not say.

“I didn’t put two and two together at first but after that night at the hospital I asked around town about Irene and found out about her husband, son, and step daughter and I started to wonder. I mean Grace is so much like Diane.”

“And you never thought to say?”

“Robert, I had no proof and this was not my story to share, why did I want to mess with Grace’s head for something that may have all been in my head?”

“So why not tell me?”

“I was never sure,” she shook her head, “until …” she looked up at me, “until Diane came here a few years ago.”

“She was here? What? Where was I?”

“You were at university, she did some digging and found out about you two. She was desperate to trace Grace, showed me pictures, of course I didn’t need them. She wanted to see you, but you were just getting over her and I was too scared that she’d start it all up again. She didn’t say she was her birth mother or anything.”

“Mum!” I barked. “How could you not tell me this?”

“I’m sorry Robert, I was protecting you.”

“You were protecting Irene. Look I’ve no time for this I’ve come to get Devon and we’re going to comfort Grace.”

“What? You can’t take her to a hotel where Grace is clearly falling apart and you’re wired like this it’s not good for a little girl.”

“Grace needs her.”

“No, Grace needs to know she’s safe. She needs you; you’re her rock. Go and let her cry, scream, get it all out, but not in front of Devon. That isn’t fair.” I stopped for a second and thought about what Grace would want for Devon and Mum was right. She wouldn’t want her to see her like this. She may want a cuddle, but I could do that.

“Fine,” I pushed past her. “She can stay, but I’m so angry with you.”

She grabbed my arm. “You may be, Robert, but remember who is the bad person here, who chose to keep that secret and that’s not me. I had no proof and know that I love you more than my own life, and I would never do anything that I thought would hurt you.”

“I know.” I nodded. “But this doesn’t look good.”

She sighed. “Go and kiss Devon, try and look normal and we can talk tomorrow. I love you.” She kissed my cheek.

“I know.” I smiled.

I gave Devon a hug and managed a fake smile, telling her that Grace and I were staying out for the night because the house was a little crowded. She was confused and wanted to see her mummy, but Mum managed to distract her and told her that Grace would be back first thing in the morning. My brothers looked on confused, but I knew my motor mouth mother would fill them in as soon as I left. I grabbed some essentials from our room and raced out of the door.

I motored back to the hotel and had been gone just over an hour. When I pushed open the hotel room door, the room was empty but light streamed through from the bathroom. I stood at the door and shouted, “Grace?”

“Yep,” she said, stifling emotion. “Where’s my baby?” She asked with a heavy voice.

“I thought it best she stay there tonight and maybe best she didn’t see you like this.”

“Oh,” she said. I still stood outside of the door, but I could feel the loss in her voice.

“For you really,” I sighed. “You don’t really want her to see you so upset.”

“Yes,” she sniffed. “I can barely stop crying for one bloody minute.”

“Grace?” I asked, “Can I come in?”

“Yes,” she croaked. I pushed the door open and there in the bath, beautifully naked, was my world and it was broken. I needed to fix this.

Grace

Robert sat on the edge of the bath and I pulled my legs up to my chest. The water was still warm, but I was shivering. “Pass me a towel,” I said to him sombrely. He did and left the bathroom quietly. Both of us were unsure what to say.

“Shall I put the kettle on again?” he shouted.

“I think I could do with something stronger!” I shouted back, tying the towel around me.

“Room service?” he asked as I walked towards him in the bedroom. I nodded and smiled.

“Am I overreacting?” I asked as I looked through the bag he brought for some pyjamas and hopefully a tooth brush. My emotional response had left me worn out.

He shrugged, looking to me. “I don’t think there is any such thing, I mean it’s a massive shock, and it’s going to make you think and wonder and … cry.”

“Yep.” I nodded. “But I need to man up.”