Waiting for Patrick (21 page)

Elliot was at a loss as to how to interact with Ben. If this had been in his dream, he would have run his hand down Ben’s cheek or brushed the lock of beautiful blond hair out of his face or simply squeezed his knee while they talked. But he couldn’t do any of that. All he could do was answer Ben’s question. “Your however-many-greats-niece told me the story. Apparently your mom was heartsick over losing so many of her kids and took the money she had been saving up for years to buy land. She used it instead to get three headstones placed in the local cemetery, even though she didn’t have any bodies to bury, and purchased a portrait of herself and the remaining children.”

3?

“Samuel died early in the war, as far as anyone could tell—”

Probably in the first year. We hadn’t heard from him at all by the time Patrick and I left.

“Oh, right. I remember that. And of course you died.” Elliot paused, wishing again he could physically interact with Ben, provide some comfort to offset his blunt words. “And Martin ran away and joined the fighting as soon as he turned sixteen. He never came back.”

Martin too?

Ben must be upset at this news, and Elliot wished he could hold him.

I always thought he was safe at home. Grew up. Had kids.

“I know.” Elliot had gotten that sense through either the memories or just a vague feeling. “I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. I wanted to make you happy. Not drag up old memories and information that makes you sad.” The picture of a harried older woman and four children moved slightly in the book. “I wish I could hug you, Ben.”

Me too.

“Tonight?” Elliot wasn’t sure if he was asking Ben’s permission or promising him that he would. Probably a little of both.

Please.

The pages turned slowly and Elliot took the next hour recounting all the stories that Ben’s family had told him behind the pictures in the book. There were pictures of people that Ben had known: his little brothers and sisters all grown up, their spouses, often people from the community Ben had grown up in, and some of Patrick’s relatives. Then the book gave way to pictures of people Ben had never met. Little nieces and nephews he had never held or played with. Their spouses and children. His great nieces and nephews. Some of Patrick’s extended family.

The last page had two pictures. One picture was of a giant oak tree with a rundown old tree house, and a separate picture, a close-up of a heart carved into the trunk that said PC + BM.

:’-(

It was the only way that Ben could let him know that he was crying, and Elliot practically cried as well. “I’m so sorry, Ben. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Good sad though. Thank you.

Elliot wasn’t sure there was such a thing as a good sad, but he thought he knew what Ben meant. “I wanted you to have a little piece of home if you insist on staying.” Elliot had also thought of another spin he could put on this but wasn’t sure now was the time. He fiddled with the edge of the photo album and decided to go ahead and say it. “But, Ben, this just brings up again how many people are waiting for you on the other side. You’re waiting here for one person, but all of those people are waiting there for you.”

Not fair.

Elliot knew it wasn’t. It wasn’t fair for him to bring this up now when Ben had such a limited way to argue his side, but it was important to Elliot that Ben be happy. “I just want you to be happy.” He went back to worrying the corner of the book.

Then stay.

Elliot looked up, willing himself to meet Ben’s gaze even though he couldn’t see him. “I will, for a while. But I can’t stay forever, Ben.” He reached out as though he could touch him. “When I leave, promise me you’ll move on and stop waiting for Patrick?”

I can’t do that. I promised him.

“But you won’t promise me?” Elliot tried not to feel horribly hurt by that, but he didn’t succeed.

Contradicts the first promise.

“Ben, you’re impossible.” Elliot wasn’t sure where the anger was coming from, but he was getting livid. “Why do you insist on waiting for someone who will never come?”

He’s coming. And I promised.

Elliot made an exasperated noise and turned away. When he heard the pages of the photo album turn again, he turned back and reached toward where Ben must be.

“I wish I could touch you,” Elliot said again, all anger gone, just wanting to hold his beautiful, confused, loyal Ben.

We can tonight.

There was a pause, and then the laptop keys clicked again.

Finished being mad?

Elliot had to smile. He laid his hand gently on the keyboard, as though he could cover Ben’s hand with his own. “For now. I still think you’re being silly, but it’s your choice to make. I only want you to be happy.”

You make me happy.

“I’m glad.” Elliot patted the keys and stood up. “Hey, I got you something else. Come over here.” He grabbed the laptop and walked over to the living-room window. The one that opened to the large yard, where Elliot had always thought a tree should be. Malcolm had confirmed that there was once one there but it had to be dug up when a storm partially uprooted the old, dead husk. There, through the window, Elliot saw Ben’s second gift, right where he’d put it. There sat a sapling with its burlap-covered ball of roots. “I have someone coming in the morning to plant it. I was going to do it myself, but Sheri said she’d skin me alive long before I could have a heart attack if I even picked up a shovel.”

She would have had help.

Ben typed on the laptop he’d taken from Elliot, which was now hovering near the window.

Y is the tree for me?

“It’s from the same root system as yours and Patrick’s tree.” Elliot smiled broadly. “I had to talk to a couple of relatives before they even knew what tree house I meant, let alone find someone to actually take me there. The whole area is overgrown.” Elliot gestured toward the book on the coffee table. “I took the pictures of your fort and your heart. I wish I could have found pictures of it in better condition, but no one had any.” He laid his fingertips lightly on the laptop, trying to physically connect with Ben somehow. “But then I got to thinking. If I couldn’t bring you the fort, or at least good pictures of it, maybe I could bring you part of the tree.” Elliot motioned out front. “So there’s one of its babies.” He turned abruptly back to Ben and smiled widely. “And don’t worry, before you yell, your great-great-great-whatever-nephew dug it up for me and put it on the truck I rented.”

:-D

Elliot laughed and laid his hand solidly on the back of the laptop. “I’m glad you like it.”

ELLIOT IS
lying on the bed, playing with Ben’s hair. He loves the feel of it on his fingers, and he tries not to dwell on the fact that this is only a dream. Ben and he can’t have this in the real world, and that more than makes Elliot sad. But he refuses to let it ruin their time in his dreams.

“You know, I still don’t know how this dream stuff works,” Elliot tells Ben as he smooths down the hair he just ruffled. “I mean, how can I know it’s a dream, but it feels so real anyway? Why don’t I have normal dreams anymore? Or do I and I just don’t remember? Do you have control of the dreams or just what you do in them? And how did you give me your memories in the beginning?” Elliot lets his fingers trail down the side of Ben’s face.

Ben smiles and turns into the touch. “I don’t know how it works any more than you do. I just wanted to remind… remember… tell you my memories, and it happened.”

Elliot has to chuckle. He would struggle with which word to use too. How do you describe giving your memories to someone else?

“Why did you even want to?” Elliot asks him. He has wondered about it for a while now. “Did you do that for everyone who lived here? Or just the gorgeous men, like me?”

Ben laughs and playfully nips at Elliot’s fingers where they still rest beside Ben’s head. “No one else. Not even the gorgeous ones. Just you.”

“Why?” Elliot flicks his nose in protest to the nip but seriously wants to know.

“You’re special.” Ben kisses the fingers he’d halfheartedly tried to bite.

As much as Elliot loves hearing that he’s special to Ben, he just can’t make sense out of it. Ben hadn’t even known him when he gave him the memories. How could he have been special to him back then? “Why?”

“You just are.” Ben leans across Elliot, gently pushing him onto his back, and starts nuzzling his neck.

Elliot decides the question might not be as important as he first thought, because right now he wants more of Ben’s attention. This kind of attention. “Because I’m gorgeous?” he suggests softly, then kisses Ben’s hair.

“Mm-hmm.” Ben rains kisses across Elliot’s collarbone, on his shoulder, down his arm.

“Because I’m brilliant?” Elliot manages before giving in to the need to groan his pleasure.

“Mm-hmm,” Ben agrees again as he takes Elliot’s thumb into his mouth and sucks. Elliot doesn’t know why that feels so fantastic, but it’s like there’s a direct connection to his groin. Other parts of his body stand up and wish desperately that they were that thumb.

“Because I’m sexy as hell?” Elliot tries to keep up the game, spouting off all the reasons why he’s so special, but it’s becoming hard to think. Elliot squirms on the bed, giving a little thrust of his hips, trying to redirect Ben’s attention to needier areas.

Ben looks up at Elliot through those gorgeous, thick eyelashes, and Elliot almost forgets his name, let alone the question Ben is answering. “You are definitely that,” he says around Elliot’s thumb before he gives it one more hard suck, then a nip, then he abandons it altogether.

Ben licks and kisses Elliot’s stomach and dips his tongue into his navel. Just when Elliot thinks Ben’s going to take the hint about where Elliot wants his attention, Ben trails his kisses back upward, licking and sucking Elliot’s nipples before planting a kiss on his lips.

“You know, you’re the only one I bottom for. Only one I would ever bottom for.” Elliot doesn’t know why it’s important to say that, and he has no idea why what’s left of his higher brain functions thinks now is a good time to say it.

Ben pulls away enough to see Elliot and gets a shy smile on his face. “I’ve always known that, and have always been honored by it.”

Elliot reaches up and brushes Ben’s hair from his face. “I have never done relationships before. Never wanted to. Why does it feel so right with you?”

His smile turns a little sad and Elliot cannot figure out why, but then Ben kisses Elliot’s nose and moves back down his body. This time he heads straight to where Elliot wants him, and it isn’t long before the rest of his higher brain functions drain out of him with his satisfied moans.

ELLIOT FOUND
that, for the moment at least, he had no desire to take more side trips. He knew that wouldn’t last once all the projects on the house were done. But right now he wanted nothing more than to spend his days, and glorious, sexy nights, with Ben. He still kept up with Sheri and Malcolm, and even Daniel, via text and phone calls. Sheri and Malcolm came by to visit one evening, and Elliot had been to Sheri’s a couple of times, but other than that, Elliot just spent time with Ben. He wasn’t avoiding Daniel, per se, but he hadn’t accepted any of his invitations to go out since that night.

Daniel took exactly two weeks of that. Then one morning, after Daniel texted Elliot six different times to go to lunch with him and Elliot shot him down each time, Elliot found Daniel at his front door.

“I thought you weren’t going to insist that I come out with you anymore.” It was the first thing that Elliot could think of to say as he stepped to one side to let Daniel in.

“Yeah, well, I changed my mind.” Daniel stepped inside but immediately turned to face Elliot, taking the door from him and guiding it closed. “It’s been two weeks since anyone has seen you outside this house, and it’s time that changed.”

“That’s not true,” Elliot countered, crossing his arms. “I’ve been to Sheri’s, and I’ve gone into town to get supplies for the house.”

“Okay, then.” Daniel put his hands on his hips, and Elliot thought he might start tapping his foot to emphasize his next words. “
I
haven’t seen you for weeks. I thought you said we could still be friends.”

“We can.” Elliot stepped forward to move away from the door, but Daniel didn’t follow, so he stopped again. “We are.”

“So come out to lunch.” Daniel did finally start tapping his foot. “I have rope and duct tape in the car if I need to drag you out.”

Elliot chuckled and waved him toward the kitchen. If they were going to argue, they could at least do it sitting down. “I don’t think we really need to go that far. But I told you, Daniel, I—”

“I know.” Daniel stood fast where he was, evidently not the least bit interested in moving from the spot. “I heard. Mr. I Don’t Do Relationships is in a monogamous one with a dead soldier from the Civil War. I get it.” His stance relaxed and Daniel softened his tone. “I’m not asking for sex. I’m not asking for you to cheat on him or break his trust or anything.” Daniel reached out as though he was planning on grasping Elliot’s shoulder or touching his hand, but he looked around the foyer and seemed to think better of it. He dropped his hand awkwardly to his side. “I just want you to come out and eat, show the world you still exist.” He looked at the ceiling in that seemingly universal way of talking to a ghost. “I’ll bring him right back. I promise.”

“I think you’re being melodramatic. The world knows I exist. Or at least the part of the world that gives a shit.” He gestured toward the kitchen again, and this time Daniel followed his prompt. When Elliot got to the table where the laptop was set up, he asked, “What do you think, Ben? Okay if I go out to lunch with Daniel?”

Daniel looked confused and didn’t know how Elliot thought Ben was going to answer, but he apparently decided to play along. “Just for lunch, Ben. I promise. I’ll have him home in a couple of hours.” Daniel looked back toward Elliot, seemingly wondering if that’s what Elliot had wanted.